How to survive an affair

[Raini2]

Has anyone heard of, or had any experience with the system by Dr. Frank Gunzburg, called How to Survive an Affair? It's a Step-by-Step System for Saving Your Relationship after It's Been Shattered by an Affair.
This only seems to be available on the internet. I am considering this rather than going to Relate.

OP - can I ask if you have found out any more about the step by step programme that you talk about in your original post? I would be interested to know more about this.

Apologies also for taking over this thread with my own issues but I have found it so helpful to vent on here.

Today has not been great. DC are out at friends and I have been obsessing again - going through old email accounts and looking as his old mobile phone bills which are full of texts and calls to OW. Why do I do this? H went mad saying that he is trying his best to move on, make me happy etc... He insists that he never wants to see or speak to her again and only be with me and DC. I would really love to believe this but I am so so fearful of being hurt again that I am just finding it hard to let go.

I totally sympathise re the obsessing. Is there any way you could remove these accounts etc? This is what I did - I allowed myself one last look and then got H to delete everything and that really helped stop me obsessing so much. I still have days when I just want to obsess but there is nothing left for me to look at so its easier for me to do something else.

I would like to raise the point about moving on - naturally your H wants to move on quickly and forget it all (just like my H!) but unless you both understand what happened, how and why, this is going to be very hard.

As well as Beyondaffairs.com this is another good website with relevant articles:
katie-lersch-articles.com/how-do-i-begin-to-understand-my-husbands-affair/

madabout - yes, he has deleted all email accounts now and we only have a joint one so I can look at that anytime. He also had some spread sheets that had OW and her H's personal contact details on them - H and OW met through both helping at a locally organised kids activity thing. He has now deleted these as he has resigned from this position. I am shocked that she has not resigned - claiming she has done nothing wrong - I truly do not understand her. Really need to stop obsessing about her and what makes her tick.

Talked to H quite calmly this evening and I think he is starting to understand that things need to go at my pace and not his. He says he understands that I am angry and hurt and that I need to shout and cry. He still struggles to talk about the how and why which I feel are so important. He says he feels mortified and embarrassed by what he has done. Will definitely look at the articles you mention. Thank you x

Agree with the deleting of all their emails,etc.
Two years on and I occasionally look at the 'ugly bint' on facebook! (not proud ).
Also I really wanted to know what made/what type of woman behaves the way she did. She was completly convinced she was in the 'love story' of the century, meant to be, connected, etc. Yet, all it was was a selfish little sordid affair. The thread 'No contacting/emailing' (something like that) has answered a lot of my questions, quite a few of the posters are simply self deluded with very low self esteem.No idea or concept of female solidarity.
Worth a look, did post on it once and upset one of them (aw...!) . Not for us to post on, I suppose, but gives some insight to their warped self justification!

H and I both deleted our Facebook accounts when I found out. They had been friends on there and I was also getting emails from her H who wanted to know what I knew compared to what he knew etc... I simply couldn't deal with his pain as well as my own.

My feelings towards OW are that she is a crap wife, a neglectful mother (she stuck her DC in nursery so she could see my H), a liar, a cheat, someone who is ugly inside and out and just lacking in female solidarity. When I saw her in the town the other day she looked lonely as hell while I was surrounded by my dear female friends. very telling I thought.

In a way, I pity her for the sordid, pointless life that she leads and the web of lies and deceit that she has told to hang on to her marriage. I truly believe that this will eat away at her.

...have to add, there appears to be an absence of guilt, jealousy of the om's wife and a general lack of empathy, but support and comfort for each other! Facinating insight to a type of mentality I have never encountered in my social circle, thankfully.

I posted there once myself Aisliing, but I quickly realised that it was the wrong thread for me, having been the one who's stbx was betraying me with OW.

I do agree that even the most ardent of pc men and 'feminist' women will dump their solidarity in the pursuit of their own interests. It's action which tell you what people are thinking, not words.

I agree Wise. It's the 'self delusion' they (almost all of them) display that amuses me. But, at least, they recognise their lack of self esteem.Some of them behave like teenagers when they get a text from their ex mm!

I found it breathtaking that there was no sense of their destructiveness to whole families, completely narcissistic thread which was an excuse to revel in each other's shittiness.

I think you mean the thread I started? I think you'll find that actually most (if not all) of the posters on there feel incredibly guilty which is why they are trying to stop contact. Some of the posters on there are trying to break contact with single men. Not everyone is a homewrecker. And nobody on there threw themselves at a married man and tried to break up a marriage.
I hope you all on here can find some way to rebuild your marriages and find happiness again, whether through that very good Glass book or from counselling.
Personally I would never revel in somebody else's shittiness :(

You are all right about that thread - whilst I hold H ultimately responsible for the affair because he was the one who made a committment to me - I really struggle to understand how OW could behave in that way and not see what she was doing. That thread is full of justifications and neutralizations for their vile behaviour.

It's not the posters who are trying to break contact with single men I'm referring to.

The timing of the appearance of the thread and it's dominance by affair partners was what I found personally abhorrent.

In case you're interested ohmygod, the OW in my case shares responsibility with my xh for destroying not just a marriage, but a whole network of relationships which will never recover, including those of her now partner, my xh. I'm sure she'd describe herself as a responsible and caring woman, and I'm sure in certain contexts she is. But when she knew she was overstepping the line with my DP, she made the choice to walk right in to our lives.

We can't help how we feel, but we sure as hell can choose what to do about them.

I'm sorry you found the timing of the thread wrong for your situation and totally agree about the sharing of responsibility but for myself and others on that thread we are trying to break contact not continue the destructiveness. I don't know the OW in your life was responsible or caring, she might be a complete bitch. She ruined your life and as such you are totally justified in your feelings towards her.
I really do apologise if you found the thread so hurtful, I am happy to ask to have it deleted if you want? I have no desire to cause distress to anyone on here.

If one really wants to do the right thing and break contact, they should just do it, stop answering his/her texts, etc.be responsible for your own actions ( and leave him/her to sort themselves out).
My DH broke contact with his ex ow and simply kept to it, she tried to re-establish contact several times but he never responded simply because he didn't want to.
We are all adults and should be able to control ourselves. As Wiseup said '' wa can't help how we feel, but we sure as hell can choose what to do about them''.

It's ok actually OMG. What I'd like to delete is the last 4 years of my life - oh but if I could.

OMG - the women posting on the thread who are having relationships with married men did make me angry but I know that those feelings are heightened due to what I have experienced recently. In some ways, that thread has given me insight in to OW and her behaviour - I pity some of those women in that position - they are all, often, just a dirty little secret - self respect and self worth all gone. This is really how I am starting to think about OW in my own situation - though I am trying not to think of her at all.

Tonight I have to take my DD to the kids activity where H and OW both helped and this is how they met. Whilst H has resigned from his position, OW has not. I did consider removing DD but she enjoys going and being with her friends and I feel that I have not done anything wrong and should be able to hold my head up high. I don't think H or OW ever considered how this would implode.

You're right broken you haven't done anything wrong.

I think you're a brave woman to do that, much braver than I'd have been.

Good luck and don't give an inch of yourself to either of them, they don't deserve it.

WIsedupwoman no one can control any one elses timing for posting a thread and it is ridiculous to complain about it. The women who post on that thread are in pain and have made mistakes. The point of the thread is to post and talk there rather than make contact with the man in question.

*Aislingorla" - you talk of no empathy with other women a total lack of irony. You clearly haven't read all the thread.

omg - absolutely no need to get the thread deleted. It is a support thread for women who have made mistakes and are trying to find a way through their pain.

Fab, true empathy and solidarity with other women means not sleeping with their husbands.
I think you're confused as to what thread you're posting on.
On this one we are supporting women (and men) whose other halves have had affairs and are re building their relationships.
The NC thread is a different kettle of fish altogether .

I'm not complaining Original merely stating how the thread personally affected me in my situation. As you may have also noticed I have also stated here that it is not necessary for anyone to ask to have it deleted.

You may think it ridiculous, that's your view and I respect that entirely.

I am not confused. You are being mean towards women who are hurting. And most of the women who are posting there have not had sex with the men in question.

But THIS thread is for women 'who are hurting' because of what another woman and their husband did! Don't you see the difference?
You really can't expect women who have been cheated on to empathise with the ow ! !
Now, we need to get back to why the thread was started.

I do know that. I was responding to you over your comments on the other thread which you were discussing on here.

Agree completely with Aisling. Those of us posting in this thread are going to find it very difficult to understand, or have sympathy for, those posting in NC thread. I am sure most posters will understand that. I started posting in this thread because I am in need of support right now and I am so grateful to those who have responded to me here - it means more than they will ever know.

Original you say that the women posting in NC thread have not had sex with the men in question - like that makes everything OK? H insists that he and OW did not have sex - he admits that they kissed, met up for the odd coffee but that largely it was texting and phoning. Do I feel any less betrayed? Any less lied to? Any less cheated? Any less neglected?

I read a couple of posts on the NC thread where OW were talking about weeping as they deleted messages from OM. How I found out that H was having an affair was because a I found a second phone. Reading the messages between them destroyed me. I hope this makes the point that emotional affairs are just as damaging, if not more so, than sexual affairs.

Now I will get back to what this thread is really about. Last night I took DD to her activity and was faced with OW when I went to collect her. Again I was able to handle the situation well - basically I just ignore her and look right through her. It has been just about a month now since I found out about her and finally I am starting to feel stronger.

Can I ask people how long it took you to be able to look forward again without looking back, if that makes sense. Whilst I have said to H I want us to try and work things out and move forwards, I am struggling with this. My thoughts are still consumed by what they did and I keep raking over details. Also lots of if buts and maybes which I know are pointless.

I didn't say it made it okay, I was making the point that is wasn't as bad as a sexual affair in some peoples eyes but also that there are different types of affairs/relationships. I posted on this thread as you were discussing our thread on here so it was right to answer you on here.