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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Now that you are OUT of a bad relationship, do you ever kick yourself for stuff that you put up with?

81 replies

sundayrose10 · 28/06/2011 09:46

I find I am so angry with myself for wasting so many years with such a douche bag loser. Now I can think clearly, it stuns me what what 'I allowed'. I'm so not that person.

Just thinking out loud.

It's been so many years but I still wonder why did i put up with it?

OP posts:

Mouseface · 28/06/2011 16:34

Sunday - sorry he's got to you today sweets. Sometimes you don't even need contact from them.

I now live miles and miles away from mine but when I first met DH, we lived 2 roads away from him and I would feel sick and shaky just driving past the end of his road, there was no other route.

I would shake for hours if I saw his car, if I saw him I'd usually puke.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 28/06/2011 16:51

All of those reactions sound very healthy (if unpleasant) : your bodies saying "Danger! Avoid."

I'm certainly glad my experience with stbxh has kickstarted my self-preservation instinct. That's one thing gained from it.

Madreamer · 28/06/2011 17:14

Lost 10 plus yrs in an abusive relationship. Still susceptible to them hence can't trust myself to get into another. I'm so scared as my self esteem issue originate from my DF.

Saffysmum · 28/06/2011 19:44

I can't say I regret marrying him, because of the wonderful children that resulted from the marriage.

I do wish I'd kicked him out over a year ago, after he first said he didn't love me anymore. Then my daughters and sons wouldn't have witnessed their mum being controlled and belittled and put-down. He didn't treat them well either. So on a bad day I blame myself that I didn't kick him out then. But on a good day I'm so proud of myself because I did somehow find the guts to do it this April, and I've never looked back.

I sometimes look back on the person I became and curl up inside: how he would be very rude and hurtful to my parents, and I'd make excuses for him, and cover up for him, and how I'd tip-toe around him and ask him to be nice to my friends....I was pathetic.

BertieBotts · 28/06/2011 19:50

I don't really think "Why did I end up in that situation?" or "Why did I put up with that?" because I know why, now. I'm not really sure what I ever found attractive about him though.

I think the wanting to change them thing might come from some kind of mothering instinct or drive?

BertieBotts · 28/06/2011 19:51

But realising I didn't have to mother someone for them to be a good partner was a revelation

BertieBotts · 29/06/2011 09:38

Kind of rushed this reply last night as I was taking DS up to bed.

SundayRose I know what you mean about having DC from the relationship not making it better. Of course I love DS and I wouldn't want to change him, but if he'd come along later with someone else, it would have been better for him. I feel like I let him down, I wish someone could have told me how that feels before I got pregnant. I remember thinking really clearly oh well, if it doesn't work out I'll just raise him on my own, no big deal.

DS told me the other day that bf (of 8 months) is "like a mummy". He doesn't even have a word for daddy, at least not as a concept of what one should be.

Jaytobe · 29/06/2011 09:58

EricNorthmansMistress - thank you, I can do doable :-)

crispyseaweed · 29/06/2011 10:01

Yes i kick myself..... he treated me badly, threw things at me, dragged me over, put me in a head lock and i just stomached it for years....
he was a total bully and treated me like shite. Still wish I could go round there and smack him ones in the nose.

Jaytobe · 29/06/2011 10:11

has anyone actually ended up believing the lies that spill out of their mouths!? but somewhere in the back of your mind your thinking, that is complete bullshit? but I'll put up and shut up til the next time... thing is there is ALWAYS a next time... can another person manipulate another to the point of believing black is white and white is black? uhm....

Anniegetyourgun · 29/06/2011 10:13

The lies that spill out such as "I love you", you mean?

SuePurblybilt · 29/06/2011 10:20

Oh yes. Tbh I am ashamed to have been such a fuckwit, putting up with it all for so long.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 29/06/2011 10:32

The lies such as "It's your fault, you made me do it?". I did actually balk at that one, saying to him "Come on, that's a wife-beater's excuse!". Still stayed, though. Couldn't even believe the words coming out of my own mouth, when I spake the truth!

nickelbabe · 29/06/2011 10:32

Saffysmum - a lot of that resonates with me.
I now look back and think how he treated my parents, and how he spoke about them.
For a while, I even believed him on it, and after I left, and when I went back to my parents to visit with DH (before he was DH), they even made a lot of comments about how I was around them when I was with him, and how much a twat he was. (and how very rude in their company too)

in fact, the first thing my dad said when I left him, was "good! does that mean you're allowed to wear trousers now?"
the first comment that made me think "wow, other people could see how comtrolling he was"

(the worst part about this whole thing was that my parents had told me for a long while that i should leave him)

kaluki · 29/06/2011 10:52

When I tell DP about how my life was with ex he is . Little things, like how I wasn't allowed to be friends with people he didn't like, I wasn't allowed to read a book if he was in the room as it was 'rude', I never ever chose what to watch on TV and used to record everything I wanted to watch for when he went out on one of his binges. I wasn't allowed friends, and he barely tolerated my family.

The sad thing is that now I find myself asking DP if I can do things, out of habit and he laughs at me and says "I'm not your father you know - you don't have to ask!!"

EricNorthmansMistress · 29/06/2011 11:29

Yes Jaytobe I have just sorted my finances - I get tax credits towards nursery fees, I get CB and I also get some housing benefit as they deduct what you pay in nursery fees (or a % of it) from your income - so my income for their purposes is a lot smaller than it actually is. I also have the 25% off council tax and it's all manageable. Not much spare but I never had much spare anyway.

kaluki · 29/06/2011 12:11

EMN is right - it is doable.
I was a lot worse off financially when we split, and still am.

But it is worth every penny to be rid of him and have my freedom again.

Mouseface · 29/06/2011 13:21

Jaytobe - yes.

Jaytobe · 29/06/2011 15:13

thanks to all who have posted, makes me stronger, he is still spinning his web of lies... hope he goes but he won't he will refuse to leave... and then start getting nasty last night he said to DD "mummy wants me to leave and get a flat" I mean who does that to 5 yearold. wanker.

Trestired · 29/06/2011 15:52

Jaytobe, I can sympathise with you entirely.

Mouseface · 29/06/2011 16:11

Jay - what a selfish bastard putting that onto you.

Spineless to say the least, even now he can't take any blame for what he's done to you.

I hope he goes sooner rather than later for you and your DD.

You need him out of there

Jaytobe · 29/06/2011 16:12

trestierd, thanks :-) you see after a while a have a moment, i quibble with myself that if i really wanted him gone there is plenty i can do to get him gone, the house is in my name! but he wears me down, with the I love you, you don't want to split up,... its horrible, then I take the easy option..I need to work out why I keep letting this happen, other women, dating sites, god i found out that he had started communicating with a COUPLE in essex for a 3some! what and I have just brushed it under the carpet! wtf? i need therapy!

nickelbabe · 29/06/2011 16:14

shame you can't get your DD to reply "well, good, it's time you left her to be happy" :(

Jaytobe · 29/06/2011 16:15

No blame, never can see what he does is wrong, somehow in his strange liittle head its never his responsbility.. i have put up with so much shit over the years.. .I actually get excited when i think of me and just DD (and the bump) but he drains me!

Jaytobe · 29/06/2011 16:16

nickelbabe hehe.. that would be fun. one day she bloody well will ;-)

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