Now that you are OUT of a bad relationship, do you ever kick yourself for stuff that you put up with?

[sundayrose10]

I find I am so angry with myself for wasting so many years with such a douche bag loser. Now I can think clearly, it stuns me what what 'I allowed'. I'm so not that person.

Just thinking out loud.

It's been so many years but I still wonder why did i put up with it?

I've got to go and see my dissertation supervisor now! Can I come back and rant later?!

(aurgh, my timing!)

hey! i need those!

yes, you can rant later.
we'll still be here (fighting over the s and s )

that I gave up all my friends and my social life for a sad controlling twunt.

that I put my DS through seeing me constantly shouted at.

that I took him back time after time even though I knew he'd cheated and would do again.

worst 18 months ever, I used to really really hate him, now I just think he's a big loser! It was 10 years ago but I could still punch his smug stupid face.

I know for a fact he is still with the woman he was cheating on me with (and she was cheating on her DH too), they have a daughter....and I have seen him with someone else more than once!

(I will be soaking wet on my return and desperate for a nice cup of tea and a moan.......!)

Well, here's my expletive-laden rant:

He's a piece of shit, a weak bastard, who preferred to be cruel and dominating to me in order to feel better about himself, rather than respect the woman who loved him. It cost him his marriage, and his dream life.

It cost me my dream life too, but at least I have the capacity to be happy, to be kind, to be giving. He doesn't. Most likely never will.

12 years I wasted. Not that this is a competition or anything. Because I was so goddamned good, so eager to please, and so fucking afraid of being alone.

I can't believe some of the stuff I put up with and accepted as normal.

I remembered the other day one time I was coming down with flu and had a temp of 41 by the time he got back from work. I asked him if he could pop out to get me some paracetamol and then feed the dc and put them to bed. He went out, I waited, and waited and waited some more. The dc were starving and tired so eventually dragged my(dizzy and hallucinating) self off the sofa and made them some toast before bundling them into pjs and bed. Passed out myself, woke up a bit later, still no xh. Tried calling him, no answer. he eventually came home at 11.30pm, over 6 hours later, told me I was a control freak for daring to ask where he'd been and for having tried to get hold of him while he was out and then told me I was a shit mother as well as a shit wife because I hadn't fed the dc properly or bathed them. Then he made me have sex with him to say thank you for the paracetamol.

At the time I didn't think that was particularly bad...

Oh yes. What was I thinking?

Life was crap and now I'm in heaven. My girlfriend is wonderful and makes me wonder what the hell I've done to deserve her.

Did you ever get to a point where it was like the spell had been lifted and you could clearly see what was going on? Still here but I've at least stopped making excuses or thinking I can 'change' him.

I wasted, if you count the time we were dating, nearly 24 years.

Is that the record for this thread then?

So far fmpink

That's just it isn't it? They make it all seem so normal

You get so used to the abuse that you desensitise (sp?) yourself, it becomes expected.

do they ever change? i gave my dickhead another go, we have 1 DD now 5yrs and just found out i am pregnant, found other girls numbers in his phone, i know as i called the bitches. What to do? its not like he aint done it before! how stupid can 1 woman be! i am 39 and expecting baby 2, would leave the bastard but how to cope financially, work with good salary but maternity pay will cripple me...can it be done? help.....

I've said it before on here, but because they isolate you and you end up with no friends left (or mine did anyway) their normal becomes your normal iyswim?

Plus as my Granny would've said "you can't live in Rome and fight with the Pope" in other words, you have to live with them so you do what they want, you compromise and you do what it takes to make life run smoothly.

Spot on fmpink - mine was the same re the losing of friends.....

yes a few years wasted here too but my xh changed after an event and I spent a decade or so waiting for him to "return" to himself as he had been fantastic for a long time before

luckily he put me out of my misery by ditching me and I try and look at all the positives that came out of my marriage to him to not see it as a waste and all the negatives of the way he ended up to not feel sad about losing him

Jaytobe benefits will pick up the slack. It will be hard but doable.

Sat here nodding my head in agreement. I started living again 7.5 years ago, if someone had told me I would have put up with the shite I did for 13 years I would have laughed in their face.

But your self esteem is destroyed and you believe you can never manage on your own, financially etc but you SO CAN. I walked way with nothing but my 3 kids (then 8,5 and 3 weeks) am now in a rented house, I work, I have amazing kids and I do it alone.

Life too short for regrets but my heart breaks for those that haven't managed to escape yet.

I remember thinking it all normal until I started a job where I wasn't working out and about on my own anymore. As soon as I saw that other people didn't put up with what I did, she tried to make me change jobs.

Justlurking - I'm 7 years free too

I can spot a NP a mile off now...! orangina so can I!

Those type of men are such a waste. It pains and shames me that not not only did I waste so much of my youth with him, but also the amount of 'recovery' time I needed once I got out of the relationship. They change your perception of everything in life for ever. I used to be so carefree and dare I say it, innocent, not afraid to try anything...now I'm pretty cautious with people, always looking out for nutters.

God help you if you have DC with them. The bad whiff of smell never goes (as I only know too well for myself) they will use ANY given situation to communicate their bullshit to you. Receiving a text message from the ex makes me feel dirty. Like argh just piss off! his typical message goes like this...
Him: Morning. thanks for ignoring my calls and texts This is about our DC nothing else!. You have always been like this and it's your fault! I always treated you nice and did things for you, but you took advantage! somebody said you're naked on facebook and guys are looking at you!!! is that what DC's mother is like? a hoe? we can never be! call me! you're the only one I have ever loved but you ruined it!!!!! call me regarding our child!!!! this is not about you!!! you're so immature!!!!
Me: No comment:

2nd text after 10 mins.
Him: I'm not paying for DC now I know you're looking for men on FB!!!!!!!
Me: (thinking) but you've NEVER ever paid maintenance or anything for that matter. No comment:
Me: fights the urge to text fuck off.

Dude it's been FIVE years - move on and leave me the F alone. I always know when he is ready for his N feed...he will text constantly after a period of silence on his end hoping I text back so we can have a 'banter' going.

Seriously, this guy can turn my moods into very dark thoughts. Even the sound of his voice revolts me.

Even keeping away from them they still make their presence felt. Yeah I got a beautiful DC from that relationship but that reasoning does not make it better for me. I love my child but I was robbed from actually enjoying her early years due to so much stress. Big chunks of my memory seem foggy.

I'm glad he is gone but I know without child I would NEVER need to see/speak to him again. I hate the fact he in some way still around (no matter how small) in my life.

Today has just been shit. I'm not normally this pessimistic, I actually love life. He just unbalances it that's all.

he thinks you're a garden implement?!

i know what you mean about "Seriously, this guy can turn my moods into very dark thoughts. Even the sound of his voice revolts me."
I feel the same about my ex - every now and then he has a reason to come into the shop, and i just think "uuuuuurrrrggghhh" whenever i have to look at him.