Please help me see that this isn't all my fault!

[icanttakealltheblame]

Three years ago my DH had an affair, whilst I was pregnant with DC2, and we were in process of moving to another part of the country. It started with emails, facebook, and phonecalls/texts, then they slept together about 4 times before we moved. He continued to be in contact with her via email after we moved (he set up a new email account just for her and she did the same), but her husband found out and started contacting my DH. I got suspicious and eventually found out thanks to OW's DH, who sent me all their messages to each other. Affair lasted about 6 months and probably would have carried on were it not that they got found out.

Anyway, as I'd just had DC2 when I found it all out we agreed to try again, things were great for a while but then I realised that my feelings for him had changed, he had destroyed all my trust in him. I now no longer believe anything he says. I told him all this a few months ago, he was devastated, and refused to move into spare room to give me some space to think, so I gave in and told him we'd try again. Last month I realised its not working, and he has been in the spare room since. As soon as he moved into spare room he looked up OW on facebook and discovered she now lives in the next town to us! He has since set up another hotmail and facebook account, which I managed to hack into, to discover that they have been meeting up, she has told her husband that they are back in touch so he is not happy and her marriage is now under strain. DH has suggested that once all this dies down maybe they can make a proper go of it, and yet he is telling me that he only wants me, he is destroyed by this, and that his initial affair was due to him being neglected by me. He has since admitted he is too needy, but I feel its too late and I am getting more angry with him by the day.

Am I being too harsh on him? He's making me feel really bad that I am hurting him and he will lose me and the kids, but I am trying to be reasonable and make sure that he will see the kids a lot and have enough money for decent housing. I am feeling really guilty and need some objective non biased views on this as obviously all my family/friends (those that I've told) all think I should just kick him out.

Thanks

Thank you HerHissyness and WYLI, just reading your replies is hugely reassuring. I'm surprised at how much I am doubting myself recently but I think because this has been so awful, it's making me determined that it's not done in vain. And I will and have re-read the posts, both mine and others, which helps enormously when I am having wobbles!
Weirdly this evening he's been quite chirpy and both flat and job hunting, but I am waiting for the doom to set in again in a few days. Am beginning to wonder if he's a little bipolar?

'WRT the emotional crutch, I'd be tempted to put it to good use and beat him to a pulp with it. '

Just made me smile and have you got a spare one?

I'm no expert on bipolar OP, but I can't say your description of his behaviour strikes me that way. If anything, I'd lean more to sociopath (again, I'm no expert) due to his self-centredness and his toying with the lives and emotions of other people for what looks to be no more than his own entertainment (as sociopaths broadly speaking lack empathy).

His chirpyness - I'd say that's what he actually feels. He was 'on stage' Monday night and is feeling pleased with his performance. "The doom" will set in, but that will because he's bored and wants to stir up 'excitement' again. It will be time for his next fix.