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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need advice even can you help?

22 replies

Ambers123 · 25/06/2011 18:03

Hi I have been seeing a lovley man for 7 months , everything going really great talk of me relocating and moving in together, even had job interview.
The only obstacle is .......HE has met all my family and work colleagues, I have never met any of his, his excuse being he needs to sort out his finances with his ex-wife of 9 years!, said he is protecting me by not telling me all this in the first place, he is not hard up has good job and nice old property in the country.He also wanted me to buy a place on my own near him so I could rent it out and we could live in his house all year round, at first I though this was a good idea but now i think it is just lack of commitment on all sides and this has made me feel wary and sad, as I really fell for him. Please can anyone advise thanks.

OP posts:

Hassled · 25/06/2011 18:06

I should tread very carefully indeed. He may not be stringing you along, but please don't go through a huge upheaval for someone who's still sorting out finances with an ex and whose family/friends you haven't met. There's no rush - 7 months is no time at all. Bide your time - move when you're confident and secure about it all.

squeakytoy · 25/06/2011 18:07

Have you been to his house?

Sounds to me like he is married or certainly not quite as free as he has made you think he is...

buzzsore · 25/06/2011 18:10

I don't think it's good news that you haven't met any of his friends or family - that's odd if you're talking about living together.

It's also odd that he still has things he needs to sort out with an ex-wife after 9 years.

It's only 7 months in, things were moving quite quickly, no?

I think you're right to be wary. I don't think it's just commitment he lacks but honesty somewhere.

fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 25/06/2011 18:14

I think it's a bit odd that you've not met his friends or family.

I would be a bit suspicious - things are certainly moving very fast.

Could he still be married?

snicker · 25/06/2011 18:16

I don't see why you can't meet his friends/colleagues because he is sorting out finances with his ex. Its not logical.

If I had to guess I would say he is married and is either secretly renting the nice old property in the country or borrowing it. He gets you to buy a shag pad and when it comes for you to move in with him something will happen with the nice old property, probably involving the evil ex wife, and he will end up living in your house and working away a lot. I watch a lot of TV.

I think 7 months is too soon to uproot yourself, even for someone who isn't shady.

strawberryjelly · 25/06/2011 18:18

when you see him where do you meet to go?
have you been to his house?

what exactly is he protecting you from? sorry but your post is confusing.
what does meeting his friends etc have to do with sorting out finances for his ex wife ?

and why is he sorting out finances anyway for an ex wife? presume it's maintainance but that shouldn't affect you, where you live, or meeting his friends.
very

Original poster

Ambers123 · 25/06/2011 18:23

Thanks for the advise and i will defintely been taking it more slowly he also lives 100 miles away just to complicate matters, many thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ambers123 · 25/06/2011 18:26

Sorry no i stay at his house and he stays at mine , his ex lived in marital home until 2 weeks ago as youngest kid now 18 , so they have to split the proceeds from the selling of the house.
He also lives 100 miles away to complicte matters, thanks so much for your input a huge help makes me realise my gut instinct was right that he was keeping something from me or may be more.

OP posts:

strawberryjelly · 25/06/2011 18:26

have you been to his house?

are you sure it IS his house?

strawberryjelly · 25/06/2011 18:28

sorry x posted.

Is he very rich? to have a big house in the country and a marital home too?
Possible- but maybe not.

Original poster

Ambers123 · 25/06/2011 18:30

The house was his grannies and he moved into it when he split from his wife , no not rich but okay as he has money from martial home to renovate now, thanks again for your interest big help and make me realise i am not being suspicous for no reason.

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Original poster

Ambers123 · 25/06/2011 18:32

thanks my feelings exactly .

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Icelollycraving · 25/06/2011 18:44

I wish I had listened to my gut feeling with regard to not meeting friends or family. Tread carefully.

Original poster

Ambers123 · 25/06/2011 18:49

thanks for that sorry it did not work out for you , hindsight can be an awful thing. but really i appreciate your helpful comments good luck for next time.

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lazarusb · 25/06/2011 18:59

It's only 7 months. Tell him you need to meet his family and friends before this goes any further. Take it easy. If your best friend was in this situation what would you say to her?

Original poster

Ambers123 · 25/06/2011 19:03

Thanks yes i agree i need to tell him that, and I would say exactly the same to my best friend ! thank-you for your thoughts.Why is it guys play these stupid mind games , as you say I would never treat anyone like that .

OP posts:

lazarusb · 25/06/2011 19:11

He probably doesn't realise he's doing it. He isn't looking at it from your viewpoint...explain it to him

Original poster

Ambers123 · 25/06/2011 19:16

yes i have several times, he said he did not do it intentionally , dont know what to think at times to be honest , i find it hard to trust when people can not just honest and tell me where they are coming from , am i being too hard?

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strawberryjelly · 25/06/2011 19:53

I'd say it all depends on HOW you say this- maybe along the lines of "It's a big step to move closer to you- and it feels a bit odd when I've never met XYZ...."

But you know him best.
I was duped once- an ex boyfriend- his wife HAD left him for another man when we met- i was okay about that and said i would never date him if she was around. Anyway- she came back. He never told me and because of the distance, we always met in my neck of the woods. he met my parents- they loved him despite always hating all my BFs!!!!
He began cancelling too many dates so one weekend I decided to pay a visit - he once sent a letter or a card with his address on it- lo and behold- who was back? you've guesssed.

Original poster

Ambers123 · 25/06/2011 20:09

yea I agree it is how you say it , and that is exactly how i said it bout moving closer and not meeting his family, ho hum will see how it goes really feel i dont want to go or do anything in regards to the situation , bide my time and see what happens this summer .
Sorry 4u in your break up not nice for u what happened, and your right my partner has told me his ex would have him back, but he says he is not up for that but as you say you never can tell , specially when there is all that history and kids between them.

Thanks for the info and hope you meet someone really nice next time take care x

OP posts:

strawberryjelly · 25/06/2011 20:29

Thanks- hope it works out.

It was ages ago for me- I've been married for ages now.

Original poster

Ambers123 · 25/06/2011 20:36

oh right glad for you and thanks again you were a great help , i appreciate it.
Take care

OP posts:

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