Feel like I am drowning while DH is oblivious

[sickfeelinginthepitofstomach]

Recently I told DH I wanted to get fit and restart exercising and asked please support me, pay attention, give me a kick up the bum etc. I know the responsibility is mine but I was asking for a little support. Instead, as usual, what has happened is that he carried on with it almost obsessively while I gave up due to the usual reasons - difficult to find time, no energy due to depression, DC both off school sick blah blah.

He now gets up and goes to the gym before work, does his triathlon stuff. He never ever once said, hey I'm going to the gym. He just did it. If I left the house at 6am without telling anyone, there would be no one to look after the DC, he would probably not notice I was out and go to work oblivious.

A few times before I found out that he was not going straight to work I have bumped into him on my way back from the school run and he looked very guilty - I did wonder if he was having an affair (almost with a sense of relief actually) but he was coming back from the gym and lied about it. He later said he lied because he thought I would get pissed off with him having that time to himself and ask him to take the DC to school or something. I'd even noticed his muscles changing and his hands had callouses from gripping the weights, so I know it was the gym rather than an affair. He's become very fit over the last year, while I am a blimp with zero self esteem.

He has tailored suits and handmade shirts because of his important job, while I have old T shirts and jeans. I don't want to buy new clothes in a size 18 because I want to lose the weight, so I buy crap in the sales that I don't wear and always end up back in the jeans and T shirts.

I'm fucking miserable. I gave up my job gave to be a mum, I wanted to. But now I'm a wreck. I'm worried about the unspoken lessons I am giving my DC. I feel I'm subsumed in (usually not done yet) washing, cleaning, sorting mudane boring shite. Remembering all his family birthdays, sending cards, doing the bills, doing the shopping, making sure we have dishwasher tablets, taking DC to school, reading, checking homework etc. When all that is done I feel like there is nothing of me left.

DH works every night. He sits at the PC or laptop working away, phone conferencing. He does have a very all consuming job and I accept that, it is part of the deal for the moment.

But I am so very pissed off that he never gave any time to me or DC, that time that he has now magically been able to produce out of nowhere for his fitness regimes. He never took paternity leave. He has never got up in the night with the DC. He does not do any housework - but he will wash his own clothes, iron his own shirts (his clothes are special and they need special care etc and I'm not consistent enough to be entrusted with it )

I feel like he is living a separate life within our family. I just don't know what to do about it. I think I'm a bit depressed - I have a history of it due to terrible family background. But he isn't noticing, he is just picking his way though the debris and ignoring it.

I feel like I'm in a dissociative state and I'm losing my fucking mind.

I guess there is other stuff (financial control elements etc) but when I start to think about it I get the sick feeling in my stomach. Not sure I can take all that just now

I am not planning on going back to work immediately - I am eventually but I'm retraining and have only done 1 year of my second degree in career change direction so it will be a while before I can work.

DC2 is starting preschool in Sept though so things will change then in terms of childcare.

WHat he's doing is getting everything done for him and a wife who he can feel superior to. He might encourage you to do things that will make you feel better, but he also engineers the situation so you don't get to do them or they just don't happen, or he 'forgets' that his help and input might be needed because after all he is the important person in the household and whatever you want or need doesn't matter. You say that if you are not up to completing the housework, he picks his way through the mess to make sure his clothes are cleaned. So housework is not that big a deal to him, you knowing your place is.

Springydaffs - well that's what I mean when I said codependent complementary.

I mean, for someone whose very thoughts have been invaded time and again, someone who is the the opposite of that is very attractive. He's the strong silent type, you know.

I'm the brains and he's the brawn. In fact, he calls me "the brains of the operation". Jokes that he wants to retire and I can be the breadwinner once my new career gets off the ground.

I know he's not abusive. He's just not that sort. The clothes etc don't come naturally to him, it's a facade he has had to build up over the last 15 years for his career. Before that he was such a scruffy git.

I feel safe and secure on a general level. I'm not frightened of him or threatened by him. Just pissed off at the way things have been going, and too depressed to do anything about it.

It's a bit like that thing about drowning - the wavers are never the drowners, the drowners sink silently because they have no energy to raise their arms, and therefore don't get noticed.

Sorry he is not oblivious as per your title.

He knows exactly what is going on or he wouldn't have secretly sloped off to the gym without you knowing.

He knows exactly what a mess you are in right now.

He has decided he is more important.

SGB it's just not like that.

There's a difference between doing twattish things because you're temporarily being thoughtless or selfish, and doing twattish things because you've targeted someone and you get a kick out of making them feel bad.

I feel my dh also gets to spend a lot of time doing what he wants to do and I had begun to feel resentful of this. So I hired a nanny for a couple of hours a week. My dh was delighted as I stopped being so grumpy. Now I have 3 hours a week which really are totally time for myself and as a result it's much easier to motivate myself to do things like exercise.

I think when you are a SAHM you can often feel like there is no slack in the system, or rather you are the slack in the system. You are the one that adapts so that others can do what they want to do. It's a very easy trap to fall into. But I think it really is important for you to have some time for yourself, or you will end up slightly unhinged (or maybe that's just me!)

From what you have said OP, I would agree with you that your DH doesn't seem abusive, rather he seems a bit immature and more than a bit selfish. He can see that you're struggling but he's avoiding doing anything about it.

To be fair to him, seeing your partner decline into depression is very very hard and many people do tend to be helpless in the face of it. I hope I'm not being harsh but would it be fair to say that he has made suggestions about how you could improve things as you've shot them down? I know that when I was depressed everyone and his dog was telling me 400 000 things I could do to make myself feel better. I knew none of them would work (for me the only thing that did work was ADs and time) so I rejected the suggestions and my family in particular just lost interest. In their minds they had "done all they could" (by not listening to a word I said and just heaping useless advice on me) and so they just carried on as if I wasn't sick at all. It sounds a bit like that's what your DH is doing.

My only suggestion would be to sit down with him and tell him that you're ill. Very ill. He needs to imagine how he would help you if you had cancer - he would take the load off you, make sure you had treatment (in this case, plenty of exercise), encourage you to do things that improve your health (such as time away from the children). Tell him that if he doesn't make this extra effort now then you might never get better and in fact you might get a lot worse. He needs to put his own needs aside for a while and really put himself out for you, as that is what loving spouses do when the other one is ill. Tell him all the things he needs to do - housework, giving you time to exercise, letting you talk (if you need it), and anything else that you feel might help. You need to do this for yourself and your children. You need to lean on him and he has to be there to support you.

wow, you're getting some excellent advice here OP - great post, Writer.

If you think it may be a codependent relationship (see, I didn't strike it through!) then perhaps do some studying about codependence. It happens to the best of us. I went to CODA for a while (codependence support group) which was a real eye-opener: show me someone who has been abused who isn't codependent and I'll call you a liar. Abuse destroys personal boundaries, even before they got the chance to be properly formed and, unfortunately, if you missed the boat the first time - when they should've been built and maintained by y/our caregivers - you have to do it the long way, brick by brick, yourself. Codependent relationships are often a natural progression after an abusive childhood - nothing to be ashamed of imo. Better to get it named and addressed than thinking it's a guilty secret.

Slightly alarmed at the 'strong, silent type' (yikes) as ex fitted that bill to a T (). I'm also a bit confused that he is the 'brawn' if he is wearing swish clothes for work?? Obviously, I'm not suggesting he's a builder but 'brawn-ish' professions don't require chic designer clothes - or Bond St clothing anyway. Anyway, that is possibly by the by...

It could be that your marriage is depressed - which stands to reason if one half is, particularly if you have a symbiotic/codependent dynamic going on... (welcome to the club)

Excellent post Writer.

A bit of praise is always nice, thanks springy and encyclogirl

Hello, and thanks for the replies.

springydaffs - I actually don't think it's a codependent relationship at all, hence me being able to joke about it. Codependent in the sense of enabling each other in negative and destructive behavioural traits - no, having come from a family where I see codependent behaviour in action from the flagrant alcoholic/enabler right down to the lesser version of living in each others pockets...that is not us.

Yesterday was a low point for me, hence me posting for a rant/advice under a name change (am a regular, if not prolific poster).

In a way I feel that I did DH or rather, our marriage, a bit of a disservice by telling you the negative things that were foremost in my mind because I was really in a negative frame of mind, and painting a more joyless picture than the reality. That's depression for you I'm afraid.

Yes, all those things I told you did happen, and there are actually several similar things that have happened that I haven't mentioned so it's not a total bed of roses and there are definitely things that need to change.

The only thing is, reading some of the other threads on this topic, I also know that despite being depressed, I have some very irritating behaviours that if they were done by the man, and moaned about on here, would elicit the same "selfish cock" comments. For eg. I'm very messy, and I do just drop socks and clothes on the floor, I start projects and leave them half finished, I say I will do things then I forget, yadda yadda.

As for "strong silent type" - he's from a Yorkshire sheep farming family (they don't talk much about their feelings!) and tall and big, but he's warm and affectionate underneath that.

The "brawn" is a joke I suppose - I read voraciously and watch BBC4 documentaries, he'll watch sport and not finish a book from year to year. But he has a mathmatical brain and his job involves calculating risk and investments etc, and it does require Saville Row tailoring!

Writer, you have a point. When I have told him about my problems in the past he has tried to "solve" them. That would make me retreat, because I didn't want them to be solved, or at least not in the gung ho way he was suggesting as that seemed too threatening, I just wanted my experience to be validated and heard.

this horse may be dead but there are degrees of 'codependence' - just as people think eg an alcoholic means someone lying smelly in the gutter, when there are any number of functioning but true alcoholics. imo we're all codependent up to a point.

Glad the thread has made you think though OP. ah, this site is great sometimes isn't it?

No, I totally understand. I agree. It's a spectrum isn't it? We're all on there somewhere. What I mean is that I don't believe in the scheme of things that we're in the unhealthy/damaging part of the spectrum. Especially as I'm working on fixing the things that are wrong.

Would post longer, had talk with DH with some surprising results, but have to take DC out now.

Thanks for the replies it's been really really helpful.

He does not strike me as an abusive or controlling person.

But, you are an adult, and he cant mother you. If you want to get into shape, you make it happen. Not him. You find out about gyms with creches, you can take brisk walks with child in pushchair, etc. You can sit down with him and say "Right, there is a spinning class on wednesday evenings I would like to go to. Please be home. Otherwise I have increase our budget to include babysitters". You cannot rely on him to make decisions, to make allocations, to manage your time. Only you can do that. And then you tell him what is going to happen.

He cannot take responsibility for how your manage your time, your life, to incorporate an exercise regime. Frankly, if he did that, that would be patronizing and controlling.

Yes, but that's the least part of it as I said earlier. I also said I realise that keeping fith and healthy is my responsibility, but I was asking for some support, which is something I don't normally do. I'm normally a suck it up kind of person. I wasn't expecting him to wake me up at 6am and hand me my trainers, cycling alongside me with the DC in the bike trailer shouting encouragement.

I did ask him to look after DC while I went out for a run, and sometimes he did it. Eventually it fell by the wayside, meetings ran on, business trips abroad happened, my depression got worse, DH was too busy too notice, I was too depressed to push the matter.

You know it's very easy to neatly make arch suggestions about responsibility and organisation. If was that easy, I'd have done it by now.The problem is when you are depressed and you can't make a phone call to the nursery, or you can't face having a shower or saying good morning to the neighbours who are gardening outside and thus you feel trapped indoors, and you feel half dead inside, and guilty about not being normal. Or when you get a cleaner but you let her go because you can't face some stranger coming into your safe zone.

Alongside all this you're ferrying DC to and from school and playgroup, playdates and parties, trying to keep everything going and keep a mask of coping to the external world.

I never felt that either my physical or mental health was DH's responsibilty. But I do want him to notice if I'm not coping or ill. I do want him to ask how it's going or express an interest if he has said that he will.

sickfeelinginthepitofstomach ,

I've read & re-read your posts & it seems that you are really suffering.

I can't offer any help about this particual issue, but having been in (& survived) an abusive relationship, please, please, please speak to a professional.

I suggest somewhere like MIND & womens aid.

www.mind.org.uk

www.womensaid.org.uk/default.asp

These places offer invaluable assistance/help/comfort/advice for situations just like yours... they are run by women who have been there & are totally non-judgemantal & brilliant.

I really wish you all the best x

ps - I'm not suggesting that you are in an abusive relationship (just suffering) , & that these places can help lots of people.

Get a local teen to come in for a few hours over the summer and have some time off. My dh is good but seldom here so ive taken control of my needs and I organise time off and started to do the couch to 5k. Its 30 mins 3 times a week and I genuinely feel like a new woman(mind and body)
I get down over things like my weight,weather,bored kids.....then Im mean to dh cause he's not here to help.
Sounds like you just'gave up' when you gave up your job,try to remember what made you want to be a sahm,your allowed to change your mind if its not for you.
Dh won't be changing,he's going to sit tight and let your figure it out yourself-if you don't know whats wrong with you how is he to know.......your in a rut.

We have 1 account and 2 cards each-id insist on full disclosure of bank accounts/money.........
The kids/house,do what you can and out source the rest,tell him its his time or his money.

crje - your post has made me think back. Actually it wasn't when I gave up my job that I "gave up". I remember the years of the DCs babyhood as the golden years, I don't think I've ever been happier. I found it much easier looking after babies and toddlers as opposed to small children despite the sleepless nights and constant demands. I was happy in my role and was always out and about doing stuff and pushing the buggy/buggy board combo from park to park. It was freeing not to have to think about myself as the focus point of my life anymore, I enjoyed not being "important in my own right" in relation to family and the world. Hard to explain.

I found the 3-4 age difficult, and have found it difficult since DC1 started school, I don't like having to face the school gates and all the forced social contact between mums and then the fallings out with schoolfriends etc. I always feel so anxious and responsible for what other people think or feel.

I suppose the focus is coming back onto me now, with DC2 starting preschool and therefore me faced with "finding something to do with my life".

Anyway it's a bit of a chicken/egg situation as which came first, being fed and getting depressed, or gradually getting depressed and then getting fed up as a result.

"being fed and getting depressed" freudian slip there. Obviously meant fed up.