Feel like I am drowning while DH is oblivious

[sickfeelinginthepitofstomach]

Recently I told DH I wanted to get fit and restart exercising and asked please support me, pay attention, give me a kick up the bum etc. I know the responsibility is mine but I was asking for a little support. Instead, as usual, what has happened is that he carried on with it almost obsessively while I gave up due to the usual reasons - difficult to find time, no energy due to depression, DC both off school sick blah blah.

He now gets up and goes to the gym before work, does his triathlon stuff. He never ever once said, hey I'm going to the gym. He just did it. If I left the house at 6am without telling anyone, there would be no one to look after the DC, he would probably not notice I was out and go to work oblivious.

A few times before I found out that he was not going straight to work I have bumped into him on my way back from the school run and he looked very guilty - I did wonder if he was having an affair (almost with a sense of relief actually) but he was coming back from the gym and lied about it. He later said he lied because he thought I would get pissed off with him having that time to himself and ask him to take the DC to school or something. I'd even noticed his muscles changing and his hands had callouses from gripping the weights, so I know it was the gym rather than an affair. He's become very fit over the last year, while I am a blimp with zero self esteem.

He has tailored suits and handmade shirts because of his important job, while I have old T shirts and jeans. I don't want to buy new clothes in a size 18 because I want to lose the weight, so I buy crap in the sales that I don't wear and always end up back in the jeans and T shirts.

I'm fucking miserable. I gave up my job gave to be a mum, I wanted to. But now I'm a wreck. I'm worried about the unspoken lessons I am giving my DC. I feel I'm subsumed in (usually not done yet) washing, cleaning, sorting mudane boring shite. Remembering all his family birthdays, sending cards, doing the bills, doing the shopping, making sure we have dishwasher tablets, taking DC to school, reading, checking homework etc. When all that is done I feel like there is nothing of me left.

DH works every night. He sits at the PC or laptop working away, phone conferencing. He does have a very all consuming job and I accept that, it is part of the deal for the moment.

But I am so very pissed off that he never gave any time to me or DC, that time that he has now magically been able to produce out of nowhere for his fitness regimes. He never took paternity leave. He has never got up in the night with the DC. He does not do any housework - but he will wash his own clothes, iron his own shirts (his clothes are special and they need special care etc and I'm not consistent enough to be entrusted with it )

I feel like he is living a separate life within our family. I just don't know what to do about it. I think I'm a bit depressed - I have a history of it due to terrible family background. But he isn't noticing, he is just picking his way though the debris and ignoring it.

I feel like I'm in a dissociative state and I'm losing my fucking mind.

I guess there is other stuff (financial control elements etc) but when I start to think about it I get the sick feeling in my stomach. Not sure I can take all that just now

SGB

I know just the type of man you mean, my grandfather was one.

DH can be a bit of a dick, but he's not manipulative. I'm pretty sensitive to those types, I think.

Don't worry about whose name is on what - you're married, which gives you rights over the assets.

Sorry Sickfeeling but this man knows bloody well what he is doing.

The list is a great place to start. He knows he's been swinging the lead with the gym time, and is only waiting for you to call him on it.

Exercise might alleviate some of the symptoms of depression, but I totally appreciate the vicious circle you find yourself in.

Need to exercise - too depressed/lethargic to go - if only I could drag my arse out to exercise I'd feel less depressed/lethargic - but I'm far too depressed/lethargic for any of that - God I need to exercise. I suck.

It's a grim claw out of that cycle for sure. And if your dh is slyly obstructing you too, then it's doubly hard.

I wonder what he'd think if he saw this thread?

I still think he's basically a good guy, he needs a (metaphoric) slap though!

Well what is he doing SGB?

It's not like I'm running around after him.

I mean, I fail to see what he is getting out of the situation. I'm depressed. I'm not a doormat.

Sweetie.

He's getting someone who is doing ALL THE HOUSEWORK - except oh yes his own handmade clothes and all the childcare. He can get up at 6.30 and go to the gym, because he knows someone else is doing that. He can work for two hours on a Saturday.

You listed, in your first post, all the stuff you're doing.

He gets to be entirely selfish out of it.

But the house is a tip! I'm not doing the housework either, at the moment. I've just had end of year exams and so on. I'm not there at the door when he gets in holding a G&T and giving him a lovely homecooked meal.

Well OK, I do cook most nights, but sometimes, like this week, while I have been stuck indoors with 2 DC with D&V, I've just said, sorry, no dinner, can't be arsed, too stressed and knackered, sort it yourself if you're hungry.

No OK, fair enough.

There definitely is a fundamental thing here about what the roles of SAHP and WOHP are in our household.

DH definitely thinks he works, and everything else is my responsibility.

I definitely don't think this! Although if I don't do it, it just doesn't get done, so it amounts to the same thing.

When I get depressed, the wheels come the wagon, and instead of helping, he is, like I said, picking his way through the debris making sure he has clean shirts but not washing any of DCs clothes or loading the dishwasher.

I agree it's not helpful and it is selfish.

I still don't think he is an abusive, manipulative prick though.

he knows how you bad you feel

he has the power to make you feel much better

and he chooses not to

Have you seen your GP for antidepressants?

If you feel too depressed to exercise, how about starting with babysteps (e.g. Going for a walk for 5 minutes everyday) and building up? The same approach might be helpful for building pleasurable activities into your life (e.g. start with a 5 min break everyday for a cup of tea with your feet up). Flylady.com is good for making housework seem more managable. You might also want to google "behavioural activation" or "activity scheduling" for ways of getting over depression that are "doing" based, rather than "talking" based. When your mood is better you may be in a stronger position to assess what's going on in your relationship and what you want to do about it.

Bejeezus, that's thing. I don't think he chooses not to help me. I think he just doesn't help me because he doesn't know what he can do, or because it is easier not to think about it. I think if it was brought home to him, he would do the right thing. No one is perfect. I have a lot of bad habits that I am sure are frustrating to live with.

I think he's pretty much a simple soul with limited emotional literacy that unless given specifics that he can carry out, finds it easier to bury his head rather than face what he probably experiences as some kind of emotional black hole that he can't begin to deal with (depression can seem like that).

I mean, the stuff about money is priggish and a PITA, but he has a kind of puritannical streak that comes from his parents. He's not mean. Maybe he does have a kind of resentment about working so hard and the money all "disappearing", but basically get over it mate and grow a pair, this is family life. Ditto the fact I can't be trusted, which does come out now and then. It's churlish and unacceptable but it's not abusive. And to a certain extent, it's kind of true, I am not good with money. He says things like that when he himself is getting stressed about the responsibility on him to bring home the bacon.

However, the balance of power has to change. I do have to get assertive. He has to do more and make more of an effort with me and DC. No question.

But I don't get all this "divorce" talk.

We're in a rough patch, I'm in a rough patch. I feel confident that it can be resolved though.

Thanks lizzie - no I don't want to go down the AD route. Been there, found it very hard to find one I could put up with the side effects of.

Your doing not talking idea is good. In my head, I'm pretty lucid and sorted. I just can't DO anything. Like the muscle that is the WILL is completely atrophied or something. Babysteps is the way forward. Yes.

he was stealing time from you to go to the gym in secret.
he doesnt help out with house work or child care- he KNOWS it needs doing

and I presume you have told him how you feel- you have- because you talked to him about going to the gym and getting into shape, which is VERY important to mental well-being

suggests that he IS choosing, at least to some extent

Re yr husband, he sounds like a typical bloke who has switched off from you and the children because he doesn't know how to deal with you being down /doesn't understand and its easier for him to escape into his work or excersice reigime. Aka a selfish arsehole - but there's not a lot you can do about that unfortunately.

You can do something about how you feel though... my doctor once recommended...

moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

... could help you to feel more positive to take on the things you feel you're missing out on and to face the things that are sh** and mundane with a different outlook: I hate the washing / cleaning / food shopping but it needs to be done and I may as well just get on with it and realise it's not your life, just maintenance that will get easier the less you focus on how boring it is

Next time your DH is home and the kids are more or less occupied just say "nipping out for half an hour, watch the kids" and go. Wherever you want, it doesn't even matter - it's about saying "I am an independent woman and can occassionally also do as I please with little regard for how it effects you"

Sorry haven't read whole thread (phone dying and stuck under sleeping toddler!) - but wow that sounds utterly shit. I get the history of depression thing (DH and I are both abuse survivors) but IMO some of your depressive state is probably due to your selfish git of a husband. I hope you can find your own identity, it's very all consuming being a mum, but it doesn't have to be the only side to you. It is horrible that your DH isn't supporting you to be yourself, you're just his servant, sounds like :(

I've only read your op and I think he is an

ARSE

A big fat selfish arse

I would die from hurt if my dh carried on like that

And rage

Are you planning on going back to work? MN seems to be full of SAHMs whose DHs use money to control them / don't think being a SAHM is as worthy as their job, and therefore don't want to share the money they earn.

I have a partner like this - house in his name, spends what he likes on clubs,sportsgear,churchs shoes,ysl suits etc while I was trawling Asda for discounts - I have also gone from a sixe 10/12 to a 16. I couldn't face the gym as I was too "fat" to be seen IYKWIM.My Partner also goes out to do a sport every morning and every evening (at tea time)apart from weekends usually. I feel like his housekeeper and that he acts more like a headmaster to me or stern Victorian employer- not to be annoyed.I felt crushed and not me.

I decided to take control a few months back - I bought a mat, some weights and 2 Jillian Michael DVD's and do them 5 times a week - I've not lost much weight but I am a lot more toned and I do feel stronger (and more kick ass) - I've even started a pilates class and the women are all shapes and lumpy like me!not the svelte nymphs I had imagined ( the teacher is).

I just told him a needed a much bigger allowance and a few details of why and he arranged it! He had no idea how much food and household bills were costing.I order my food online - whatever we need and have it delivered and when I go back to work will hire a cleaner. I ordered some new clothes and shoes and had an expensive cut and colour. I told him that I felt he spent too much on his sports clubs and he has agreed to stop the most expensive one. He has also agreed to take the kids to school 2 mornings a week in return for doing his sport. He has put the house in joint names.

I know its hard - but he won't want to lose you and the children. He may also be doing an ostrich (sticking his head in the sand) about the situation - especially if he likes order and calm - a house full of kids isn't that. Write down precisely what you want to change - spend time with the family at weekend,watch a film together every thursday night with pc and phone off etc and negoiate compromises.He needs it in clear language - my partner gets his act together and then slips - so every 5 years or so we end up having a sit down and I have learnt to spell out exactly what I need - he is the sort of guy who even needs post it notes left on the door to buy a pint of milk, put out rubbish etc.

Good luck and stay strong -but you do need to sit down and talk (prepare in advance)and be clear

It's weird, so many times on relationships I've seen people deny what is happening to them...now this thread seems to be going the same way.

I mean I don't deny that he's been an arse about stuff, but it's just not as black and white as that.

x posts javo.

Well, relationships when you've been fucked up in the past aren't necessarily straightforward. I also have an abusive past and find it hard to gauge if I'm in an abusive relationship - tbh sometimes I wonder if it's as simple as that. For those who have not had their world entirely tilted it may not be easy to see why or how some peoples' relationships are the way they are. I'm rambling now!

However, one thing is concerning: that he joined you in the getting fit thing, then took off with it. That was your thing and he ended up being the champion at it - obsessively so, as you say. Hmm. I know a few women in relationships where the husband (sorry, these are controlling husbands to varying degrees) take over the wife's project and not only do it but do it with bells on.

Only you can really know OP if he is maliciously doing you over. He also wouldn't have got where he is professionally if he didn't have a killer side to him ie competitive. How did you meet? Were you in the same/similar field ie a high flyer? If so, that's what he married, he didn't sign up for the flopping about no direction wife and perhaps doesn't know how to deal with it.

the chances, too, when you've had an abusive past is that you will choose someone dysfunctional (gosh, I'm running out of words here) ie not straightforward. The 'obsessive' exercising could also been an indication of someone who naturally finds things to block out the reality of life and in this case, maybe it caught on? As everyone is saying here, exercising produces its own natural high, which is not frowned on but, on contrary, lauded.

btw I've also had a lot of therapy and tbh avoid it now. I talked so much I felt I was just a mouth yakking away from the bottom of a pit - drove me nuts. I wonder if there is a different approach that doesn't involve so much talking