I'm going to try and get this out in one go, I'll keep it as short and to the point as possible without leaving anything major out so if you can bear with me I'd be really grateful.
Been with my husband for 15 years, married almost three. I'm not so much asking for advice - just a bottom line opinion of the situation as you, neutral people see it.
He's extremely insecure, at the moment more so than ever after I slept with another man last year. Yeah, sounding really fab so far aren't I? It was a mistake, one I regretted immediately. Couldn't handle the guilt so fessed up. It was an horrific time and I can honestly say it hurt more to be the cheater and to see the damage I caused than it did to be the cheated on (a few years ago he had a fling) I'm on strong anti depressants because of acute anxiety, mainly brought on by what I did.
He always has been insecure, though he'd deny it. Noticeably offish with male friends of mine, sometimes to the point said friends have walked away for good because they must have felt really uncomfortable with the atmosphere it created. About two years ago we had a rough patch, I don't think he'd describe it as one but he took the pressures of his job out on me, criticised me constantly to the point I dreaded him coming home from work because if I did a thousand things in a day he'd notice the one thing I hadn't and criticise. I just never felt good enough. He's a sulker, and his record for basically ignoring me was six weeks. Can't recall what I did, probably just a general argument. Sulking and witholding affection. It drove me to distraction and was a horrible thing to live with, made me thoroughly miserable. He can go to town on me, listing my faults and failings for hour upon hour.
At this point an old friend started paying me attention, I got my head turned, I was hearing all the good things about myself rather than the bad. Long story short it culminated in me having sex with him...and here we are. There is an approved list of friends I can go out with, an approved list of places. I've had to delete male friends from my FB on his say so (because he feels they are too close to the man I slept with even though this isn't neccesarily the case) he denies it is on his say so, but I get "I'm only asking and if you cared about my feelings, you'd do it for me" - the result if I didn't do it would be more being sent to Coventry and rows etc...so for an easy life I have done so. In fact the only male friends he doesn't mind me having are gay. He denies it is because they are gay, he just "likes" them and finds a hundred reasons why he doesn't like the straight ones.
The other day I went for a couple of drinks with a friend who isn't on the approved list (I'm not saying there is a physical list but there is definitely a group of people he doesn't like me interacting with...if you loved me/cared about me you wouldn't) and the meeting point was down a certain road where at times the OM drinks, it was highly unlikely I'd see him as it was a Tuesday night and this particular pub isn't one of his regulars. Before I went I got grief about it and the whole if you loved me/cared about my feelings spiel...I went regardless, I'm a grown woman with the right to make decisions for myself and how can I ever prove I can be trusted not to make the same mistake if I'm put on such a short lead? When I got back he verbally laid into me again. Listing men I have spoken to on FB and grilling me abut my intentions towards them.
He actually apologised to me but he never, ever apologises without some sort of "but if you hadn't done XYZ" - caveat - I'd not have said/done what I did. He never takes personal responsibility for his actions, it's always because someone else (usually me) did such and such that made him do it.
I feel like I'm having the life sucked out of me, that I have very little freedom as an adult to make choices and decisions for myself. I fear if I left him he'd do something stupid. There were suicide threats after what happened last year, his family and my own just turned on me completely, nobody was interested in why it might have happened. The fact he'd done it to me completely dismissed as irrelevent when I pointed out he'd done it to me more than once and I forgave. My family think he's the dogs bollocks because he's a good dad and works hard and as my mum tells me when I have tried to talk to her about this "he's not a drinker and he doesn't hit you so be grateful".
I'm at breaking point with it, I refuse invitations to go out despite being a SAHM who sometimes just needs a break from the house because it's not worth the grief I have to endure if I go and I'm beginning to really resent him. I've suggested counselling but I'm getting to the point I don't even care about that. I just want out. This hasn't ALL come abut because of what did, he's pretty much always been like this about male friends. In fact we ended up getting married because he found out I'd been chatting (just that) to an old ex on FB. He went nuts, smashing cups and glass panels in the door and then he began the talk of marriage. I got swept up in it.