Can't take much more and scared.

[Onelasttry]

I'm going to try and get this out in one go, I'll keep it as short and to the point as possible without leaving anything major out so if you can bear with me I'd be really grateful.

Been with my husband for 15 years, married almost three. I'm not so much asking for advice - just a bottom line opinion of the situation as you, neutral people see it.

He's extremely insecure, at the moment more so than ever after I slept with another man last year. Yeah, sounding really fab so far aren't I? It was a mistake, one I regretted immediately. Couldn't handle the guilt so fessed up. It was an horrific time and I can honestly say it hurt more to be the cheater and to see the damage I caused than it did to be the cheated on (a few years ago he had a fling) I'm on strong anti depressants because of acute anxiety, mainly brought on by what I did.

He always has been insecure, though he'd deny it. Noticeably offish with male friends of mine, sometimes to the point said friends have walked away for good because they must have felt really uncomfortable with the atmosphere it created. About two years ago we had a rough patch, I don't think he'd describe it as one but he took the pressures of his job out on me, criticised me constantly to the point I dreaded him coming home from work because if I did a thousand things in a day he'd notice the one thing I hadn't and criticise. I just never felt good enough. He's a sulker, and his record for basically ignoring me was six weeks. Can't recall what I did, probably just a general argument. Sulking and witholding affection. It drove me to distraction and was a horrible thing to live with, made me thoroughly miserable. He can go to town on me, listing my faults and failings for hour upon hour.

At this point an old friend started paying me attention, I got my head turned, I was hearing all the good things about myself rather than the bad. Long story short it culminated in me having sex with him...and here we are. There is an approved list of friends I can go out with, an approved list of places. I've had to delete male friends from my FB on his say so (because he feels they are too close to the man I slept with even though this isn't neccesarily the case) he denies it is on his say so, but I get "I'm only asking and if you cared about my feelings, you'd do it for me" - the result if I didn't do it would be more being sent to Coventry and rows etc...so for an easy life I have done so. In fact the only male friends he doesn't mind me having are gay. He denies it is because they are gay, he just "likes" them and finds a hundred reasons why he doesn't like the straight ones.

The other day I went for a couple of drinks with a friend who isn't on the approved list (I'm not saying there is a physical list but there is definitely a group of people he doesn't like me interacting with...if you loved me/cared about me you wouldn't) and the meeting point was down a certain road where at times the OM drinks, it was highly unlikely I'd see him as it was a Tuesday night and this particular pub isn't one of his regulars. Before I went I got grief about it and the whole if you loved me/cared about my feelings spiel...I went regardless, I'm a grown woman with the right to make decisions for myself and how can I ever prove I can be trusted not to make the same mistake if I'm put on such a short lead? When I got back he verbally laid into me again. Listing men I have spoken to on FB and grilling me abut my intentions towards them.

He actually apologised to me but he never, ever apologises without some sort of "but if you hadn't done XYZ" - caveat - I'd not have said/done what I did. He never takes personal responsibility for his actions, it's always because someone else (usually me) did such and such that made him do it.

I feel like I'm having the life sucked out of me, that I have very little freedom as an adult to make choices and decisions for myself. I fear if I left him he'd do something stupid. There were suicide threats after what happened last year, his family and my own just turned on me completely, nobody was interested in why it might have happened. The fact he'd done it to me completely dismissed as irrelevent when I pointed out he'd done it to me more than once and I forgave. My family think he's the dogs bollocks because he's a good dad and works hard and as my mum tells me when I have tried to talk to her about this "he's not a drinker and he doesn't hit you so be grateful".

I'm at breaking point with it, I refuse invitations to go out despite being a SAHM who sometimes just needs a break from the house because it's not worth the grief I have to endure if I go and I'm beginning to really resent him. I've suggested counselling but I'm getting to the point I don't even care about that. I just want out. This hasn't ALL come abut because of what did, he's pretty much always been like this about male friends. In fact we ended up getting married because he found out I'd been chatting (just that) to an old ex on FB. He went nuts, smashing cups and glass panels in the door and then he began the talk of marriage. I got swept up in it.

I've suggested counselling many times, as a couple and for himself to try and help him move on. I admit an ulterior motive in that I've been so sure his behaviour isn't right that a counsellor could help him see this and modify it.

He's not interested. This is why I genuinely believe he sees it as a normal reaction to what happened. When questioned in the past about other events I've mentioned he's always got some reason which he believes justifies it completely. He asks me how I'd feel if he went out for a drink with a female, and tbh I'd bloody love it because I'm sick of being his whole world. I see nothing at all wrong in friends of either sex providing it's platonic.

I had a recent conversation with my SIL and she's been told things by his brother that really don't surprise me. His mum is very speak when you're spoken to with her husband (IE she speaks when she's spoken to) his dad often talks right over her and belittles her opinions, he's always got to be right to the point I've heard him have entirely different opinions on the same subject just so he can tell you that you're wrong - even if you're agreeing with his previous opinion on said subject. VERY traditional upbringing with dad working and mum at home, happy to devote her entire being to the home, husband and kids.

Although this has always been there, just under the surface, it became a real problem when I tried to pursue my own interests.

Do NOT feel responsible for this dickhead any more. Please bear in mind that he is NOT a poor wickled victim who can't help acting out his traumas: he's a fucked up nasty predator.
Look, he targeted you. He picked on you deliberately, as men like this always do - you were a single mum with a useless woman-despising mother of your own, who has clearly tried to teach you that a proper woman should be desperate and grateful for a man, any man, to enter into a relationship with her.
Men like your STBX can smell this on a woman, this vulnerability and anxiety, and that's what they look for: a woman they can bully into being permanently obedient and submissive and who they feel entitled to push around and hurt.
Honestly, get in touch with Women's Aid, get them to recommend a solicitor, make your plans quickly and in secret and get you and your DC the hell out. Unfortunately this is a dangerous time for you, you are wise to what a bad person this man is, and he may detect this, detect you are getting stronger and escalate quickly to physical violence. If there has ever been any physical violence from him in the past then you are in more danger as he's done it once and not been arrested or divorced so he will feel it's fine to do it again.
But you can get out. You can get rid. Very best of luck.

SGB speaks solid gold sense, as usual!

The LAST thing you do is take an abuser to counselling, it gives them MORE weapons to throw at you, trust me!

Get Why Does He Do that and bone up on what you are married to, asap. Your life will change immediately for the better once you see what is really going on!

I second the Lundy Bancroft book by the way.

Do you think you could get the courage to leave him? His behaviour is so abusive and you and your DC's would be so much better off. But I do understand it'd be a massive undertaking to up and leave him.

Keep posting. I really hope you can get through this. You would manage on your own. I wish I could help you more x

I'm not physically scared of him, I think if there was ever a time he'd hit me is when I fessed up last year. He did smash the kitchen up but told me it was to prevent himself taking it out, physically, on me.

He did fight with this man, tried to gouge his eyes out. Still talks about how he's pissed off he didn't manage that because his mate pulled him off.

When we were first together he used to pick fights out of nothing (one time because I wasn't sympathetic enough about his grandad dying, yet I didn't know because he hadn't told me because it was none of my business) but I began to wonder as far back as then if he did it to test my reactions. Once I was suitably distraught enough he'd forgive me for whatever I'd 'done'.

Like the pathetic twat I am I'd just feel eternally grateful that he'd forgiven me, even though I would be struggling to understand what I'd done in the first place.

I'd buy the book but it all goes through his account, we don't have a joint one.

You're not a pathetic twat - HE is.

Can you see if you can get a copy at the library? Or get a friend to buy it for you?

Yeah I could do that, tbh I don't think I need to understand what's going on. I kind of already know. It's why I've not tried to paint myself in a good light and been totally upfront about what I did.

re: the leaving him thing. One main reason it's always been so hard yet so easy to slip back into 'normal life' is that it feels unfair to make him a pt dad.

He's the one that would lose the home he's worked hard for. And on other occassions he's simply refused to leave and told me to fuck off then. I'm the stay at home parent, I'm going nowhere. Not that it's even feasible considetring he works full time.

You don't have access to money of your own? There's another indicator, if any more were needed, that you are in an excessively controlling relationship.

That smashing inanimate objects to demonstrate his capability for violence is also a well documented control technique btw.

onelasttry. you only get one life - you do not have to spend it in misery. People break up and they make new lives and find a way forward. He will too. He has clearly abused you emotionally for years - I can hear the alarm bells, when you say male friends walked away because of what you describe as 'insecurity'. Far too kind a word - what it reall is is controlling unpleasant behaviour.

Of course you ended up having an affair - in life, when we stay in unsustainable situations they implode in a dramatic way. That is the consequence of keeping enormous pressure inside - you can't live in that way.

Stop waiting for him to come to counselling and start going on your own. I hope you can see, that while you dislike your mothers attitude (ie ignore it, dont rock the boat) - you have sadly inherited it from her. We all do - and you need to go back to basics with a therapist and talk about how you learned to put up with being treated appallingly.

Please, please get out - you deserve to be happy - in a few years you will look back with horror at what you put up with.

I get the tax credits which frankly are pathetic. He expects me to pick up the tab for every other bill that doesn't come out of his bank account. I basically account for every penny. I simply do not get enough to buy a weekly food shop, gas, electric and the thousand other little things a family of 6 needs in a week. It's constant pressure to make it last and with the best will in the world it just doesn't. So I asked him recently if we could buy a one off big food shop with his wage and I'd pick up the bits and bobs with my money as and when it was needed.

Yesterday that became a problem and he told me it was all so I could keep all the tax credits to myself so I could I quote: have even more of a social life without him. Huh? I go out once every six weeks at most. I'm always the one to spend less, the one who comes home early. I've really tried, had 'date nights' with him but in all honesty? it's forced because he bores me.

I didn't really realise until recently that I was being treated badly. People sing his praises so much I always thought I was kind of lucky.

Let me guess: people who don't live with him, right?

Another thing you'll find in the Gospel According to Saint Lundy is how often abusers appear absolutely lovely to anyone other than their partner. "You never know what goes on behind closed doors" is a cliché but it's true.

I tried to tell my mum before, she's just really not interested. Yet she moans about my dad constantly. I'm her emotional crutch but bother her with my problems? nah.

I just want to be free of this anxiety I feel if I ever want to do anything for myself.

Sod it, bite the bullet and tell you.

Last Sat we had 'approved' friends to stay. We all went out and got a bit drunk. They went up to bed and I had fallen asleep on the couch. I woke up and he had removed my underwear and was taking pics on his phone. When I asked him what he was doing and why hadn;t he asked he said it's ok because I'm his wife.

That's about as far from OK as it gets.

It gets worse :(

Do you want to live like this? Because you don't have to

You can leave him and be happy and financially independent, and make your own decisions, and live free from the fear of sexual assault while you are sleeping. Any obstacle you think is too big to get past - it isn't. WomensAid can advise you, and they will, he is abusive.

Please contact Women's Aid.

have you any friends that could help you move out the sooner the better bye the sounds of it

I think I already knew all of this, just needed to have it affirmed. Because on some level I really do feel like I brought this all on myself and surely it's ok to ask me (but without any real choice) not to go anywhere he might be, or see anybody he is also friends with?

He tells me it's because he's so scared I'll do it again, or even be friends with him. That it's all because I've mentally scarred him so badly he's always anxious whenever I go out, that I did this to him, and that yes, he knows it's out of order to have a go at me for going out to an unapproved place but he wouldn't be like this if I didn't cheat.

On a lot of levels it's like I agree with him.

But he was jealous and controlling before you cheated, hold onto that. Even your mother recognised that in the early days.

And even if he did have the right to choose who you're friends with (which he doesn't), he is still keeping you financially dependent, is verbally/emotionally abusive, and has sexually assaulted you in your sleep. There are no excuses for what he has done, there are no possible justifications.

I think it's just so hardwired into him that wife = some sort of ownership.

He uses the word 'marriage' so much it makes me teeth itch with irritation.

Like the second I signed that register he owned the rights to me, though he strenously denies he feels that way.

So um, to what extent did he curtail his social life after he cheated on you?

You have to leave this relationship. You have to.

You only get one life. Make the most of it.