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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD?? Told DP not to come home...long

29 replies

kiesmommy · 22/06/2011 14:54

So last night DP came home from work early, about 3pm, went out at 5 to meet his mates for a drink. He came home about 8 a little tipsy. To cut a long story short we ended up having a row about nothing and made up, it felt like he just wanted to start an arguement and he went to bed. I followed half hour later when he was asleep, i turned the tv off which he always has on, put my radio on ( next to me) very quietly an lay down. Next thing I know he is shouting, f-ing this an that because i had woken him up, told me not to speak to him etc at this point i got up and went to sleep in the spare room, admittedly i slammed the door behind me. He came storming in, litrally screaming at me he slammed the door then opened it to carry on shouting at me, i went to walk past him ( still not having said anything) when he grabbed both my arms an pushed me backwards.
I retailiated by pushing him out of my way, an i did slap his face, i have never done this to anyone before, and feel so terrible about it. I went into DS's room and sat against the door while he carried on shouting.
DP drinks too much, i told him today that i cannot live like this, an its either me or drink. He responded by saying i must be seeing someone else....
I have asked him not to come home until DS is asleep, when i will have his bags packed and he can make his choice then, me or drink.
Am i doing the right thing???

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/06/2011 14:57

In a word yes. You and your DS do not need such a person in your lives.

The only acceptable level of violence within a relationship is NONE.

Do talk to Womens Aid; they can help you as well.

Who however, owns the property, are you named also on the mortgage or title deeds?.

StewieGriffinsMom · 22/06/2011 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cheesesarnie · 22/06/2011 14:59

yes you are doing the right thing.has he contacted you at all today?

Original poster
kiesmommy · 22/06/2011 15:29

I live in a private rented house, in my name, he moved in with me about a year ago. He is saying everythings my fault, i started arguing for no reason, but i know i didnt. I have been in an abusive relationship many years ago, before DS was born, an i swore i wouldnt end up in one again. I have told DP what went on in that relationship, an how there are little trigger signals which cause me to panic ie; shouting in my face, i was sat in my DS - who is only 3 - bedroom feeling like i couldnt breathe trying to calm myself down. I have never hit anyone before, i dont know where it came from other than panic. He has just said he will be home after work, at 5, he said if i want him gone he will get the bargin pages an start looking.

OP posts:
EverSoLagom · 22/06/2011 15:35

Can you get someone to come over and sit with you in case he shows up unannounced? Do call womens aid as well, just for a chat if nothing else. You have lots of options.

PhilipJFry · 22/06/2011 15:43

Yes yes yes you are doing the right thing. About this "he said if i want him gone he will get the bargin pages an start looking."

TheProvincialLady · 22/06/2011 15:52

If he is threatening to refuse to leave your house, or if you are worried he is going to cause another scene, you could phone the police now and tell them - they might send someone over to be present when he arrives to collect his bags. I don't think you should let him in at all.

You are certainly doing the right thing.

AnyFucker · 22/06/2011 16:12

yes

and get yourself some RL help and support, pronto

I suspect you are in for a very rocky ride Sad

failedmother · 22/06/2011 16:17

Yes you are doing the right thing!

cheesesarnie · 22/06/2011 16:23

agree with anyfucker.you need a rl friend or someone to be with you.
let us know that your ok.

veritythebrave · 22/06/2011 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
kiesmommy · 22/06/2011 19:53

This is going to sound really sad, i dont have any friends, other than his sister, she has said she will come round if i need her too, or take my DS out of the house. He hasn't been back yet, he said he is out finding somewhere to live, which means he is with his mates ( this man is 35!! )I just needed to hear other people say it, just to reasure me im not going over the top an it is an abusive relationship. Thank you everyone who replied

OP posts:
PhilipJFry · 22/06/2011 20:04

You are being far from over the top- you are managing the situation splendidly. I think it's entirely normal to have doubts and need an outside opinion to bolster the fact you are doing the right thing.

I don't want to sound dramatic but do you think he will be drinking at the moment with his friends? If that's the case then I think you should ask him not to come home tonight if there's the possibility of him being tipsy, since from what you said it seems as if alcohol is a problem for him and he is more likely to be belligerent and abusive after having drank. It's not fair on you to be waiting into the night for him to come back. He could stay somewhere else and you could meet to give over his things at a safe time.

If not I think it would be well worth having his sister at yours because there will hopefully be less chance of a confrontation.

FabbyChic · 22/06/2011 20:07

It is abusive, you are just as abusive as he is.

If you think someone who drinks and is an alcoholic can just give up drink just like that you kid yourself.

Those why depend on drink to survive need medical intervention to give up. You telling him to just give up won't work.

wearenotinkansas · 22/06/2011 20:08

You are definitely doing the right thing - and being v. strong.

DandyGilver · 22/06/2011 20:50

You are right. If drink makes him belligerent then he needs to stop drinking. That needs to come from him, right enough but no need for your DS to be in the house with him whilst he continues drinking.

GettingOutOfIt · 22/06/2011 20:51

FabbyChic, he has been through detox over a year ago, i have stuck with him through all of it. I have my own keyworker etc i know all the facts. He is no longer alcohol relient, he now CHOSES to have a drink. Which is different to having to have one.

GettingOutOfIt · 22/06/2011 20:52

An yes, he is out drinking, i just had a call of his mum letting me know he is sleeping in the car tonight.

FabbyChic · 22/06/2011 20:55

You would know then that drinking can kill him, are you supportive or do you just moan at him?

Life is a two way street you get out of it what you put in, we all have issues it is how we deal with them that matters.

He has already got dry once, it wouldn't take him long to become addicted again, its a vicious circle.

DandyGilver · 22/06/2011 21:03

If he has made the choice to go out drinking, its out of your hands GettingOutOfIt. You have made the right choice to put your DS first. If he has done detox, he knows he has a problem and he knows that he will make his problems worse by choosing to drink again.

GettingOutOfIt · 22/06/2011 21:04

I have been very supportive, he has said himself that without me he couldnt have done it. When he chose to go through with the detox, after 18 years of drinking, he wanted to an he really tried. I knew that there prob would be slips, and he has had a few. I was always supportive, when he tried and when it seemed like he wasnt. I went to all the meetings he asked me to, i went to them on my own, i got his family involved in meeting etc i did everything he said he needed me to and more. I have been told by a proffesional alcohol councilor that i need to set boundries, if he wanted a drink thats fine, but not in the house, then its his choice then, either my company or a drink. He always chose the drink,. Now though he is drinking because he wants to, i cannot discribe how this man changes with a drink in him. I have tried and tried and tried, if he doesnt want to change there is nothing more i can do. No matter how much i love or support him.

AnyFucker · 22/06/2011 21:05

name change fail ?

fabby, although I would never condone enabling an alcoholic to continue drinking (and been rounded on for having that opinion), I think your accusation that OP is just as abusive as him is way off mark

GettingOutOfIt · 22/06/2011 21:06

Thanks Dandy, i'm unsure what to do now, i thought he would come back, DS would be in bed an we could talk about things but seeing as he hasn't i feel like throwing his stuff in black bags for when he finally decides to come home. I just dont know what to do.

GettingOutOfIt · 22/06/2011 21:07

Ha! yes, he knows my msname, have to change it again now!

LauraIngallsWilder · 22/06/2011 21:11

Just to add to the choir
"yes you are doing the right thing"

I would get out of a relationship like that - quickly
It sounds awful for both you and your child, who is relying on you to make good decisions :(

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