Taking my DS out of the country tomorrow for 2 weeks, M still refusing to talk to me because of it - Long

[ImpyCelyn]

On Sunday DH told me that he'd got me and DS (8m) plane tickets to go to USA to stay with my BF and her family for 2 weeks.

My mother has taken this really badly (classic). She seems to think DS is actually hers, she hates me, and she really hates my BF and her family.

I called her on Sunday evening to let her know and she was obviously pissed off, no "oh how lovely for you both". Then it was "so am I even going to see DS before you leave". I told her I'd bring him down one evening and asked when she was free "I'm busy every day this week".

So I arranged to pop in quickly on Monday. She basically said nothing to me, said nothing at all about our trip, and took it personally when a very tired DS didn't want to be picked up and taken away from me. On the way out I suggested I pop in again tonight and got told "don't bother, you'll be busy", so I said it was no problem and she should let me know.

I work very very hard at trying to be ultra civil to M, as anything but the sweetest treatment has her raging that I'm rude, aggressive and ungrateful - while she screams in my face and calls me names.

Anyway, about 30mins after I got home she called, very tearful. Apparently DH had mentioned to Dad that he was going to suggest to me that I had DS chrismated while I'm over there. It's the church I was chrismated in (with no family, just BF and hers), and it's the one we planned to have DS's in in September (before my friend's fiancé called off their wedding; BF had suggested we do it the week before). After their wedding was cancelled DH and I had many discussions over what to do about DS because I was really against having him baptised RC, whereas DH doesn't mind him being chrismated.

So M threw a massive fit and guilt trip about how awful it was that it would be done with no family (she didn't care about mine), how they desperately wanted to see him baptised (Dad is an atheist, M hasn't been to church since our wedding and only went a few times before that to prove her credentials in competition with DMIL), how my grandparents would be so upset not to see their first great-grandchild baptised (my parents didn't do it for us, and they survived not seeing their first grandchildren baptised) etc etc

Then how awful it was to do it without DH (it was his idea) and how stupid it was to do it without his godfather (if we do it elsewhere it'll be without the godmother).

On and on, until finally "and I suppose it'll be that awful Mr X who does it" (BF's father who is a deacon) - which I think is the real issue. Especially as apparently the first thing my Dad said to DH about it was "I'm upset that Mr X will be doing it, because I hate him". They hate him and his wife because when I got married they wrote a lovely letter to my parents in which they described me as their second daughter - this apparently deeply offended my parents because they , and only they, are my family. (Overlooking my bro's BF who they constantly refer to as their second son). Also, I think, because my parents destroyed our relationship and I think they think that I love BF's lovely parents more than them, they're not wrong, but I've never mentioned it.

Anyway, Mr X may well be deaconing that day, but he will not be doing a Chrismation because he is not a priest.

DH's parents, who are deeply religious, are very supportive of it being done, and just want to hold a little party for their friends and family when we next go to France to welcome him to the community.

Ultimately DH and I think that as it's a religious sacrament what matters for us and DS is that we do it in a way we're happy with. We know that what matters to my mum is showing him off in his white gown, being complimented on how lovely he is, and demonstrating what a generous and kind GM and hostess she is.

Anyway, the upshot is, I'm being ignored, again.

And I don't know whether I should just take DS to see M tonight, or whether I should just leave her to wallow in her self-created misery. I'd like to do the latter, but I'm fairly certain that if I do I will be the evil bitch who didn't even bring DS to say goodbye.

Sorry for the essay, but I am so so sick of all the hassle and grief that I get from her, and I'm so pissed off that she is trying to control what we do with DS.

When I was a child family was me, bro, M&D, she cut her own parents and sisters out of it. Now that I have a DS she makes sure to stress at every available opportunity that family is me, bro, M&D and DS - DH until he started helping me stand up to them, and she also likes to tell me that when it comes to raising DS they only opinions that matter are ours and theirs.

She finished on the phone with "well, it's your choice. Goodbye" and hung up.

DH is telling Dad today that we're going ahead as planned.

Aaargh.

Thanks for reading this, if you got this far, I really needed to offload.

the baptism

Is there some urgency?

Like I said above - we always planned (before DS was born) to have him baptised at the church in America. My friend was due to get married in September and we agreed that we would do it when we were over for that.

Then her fiancé called it off, a month after DS was born, and we hadn't booked tickets yet.

We've been in discussion over what to do. I don't want DS to be baptised RC, and I also want him to have the Chrismation afterwards as I'd like him to be in full communion. DH doesn't mind any of this, which is why that was our original plan. But I don't know the community at the church in Marseille, so we couldn't organise anything until we go down there this summer, and then we have to negotiate with a priest we don't know, who may not want to do it.

After he arranged for me to go over there he thought that it would be a good opportunity to have DS baptised, in the church we wanted, and by a priest we know and like, who'll do it with pleasure.

So as much as he would like to be there, he'd rather have DS baptised.

Impy - brilliant - well done, well done on keeping your cool in that situation, not ranting back, but most of all STANDING UP TO THEM.

This is in every sense the best thing that could have happened. In fact (unless you and your DH planned on having a fairly miserable life all round) it's the ONLY thing that could have happened, the ONLY way in which there might even be a faint chance that you could one day have a functioning relationship with them, complete with normal boundaries. I have to say, it's highly unlikely to ever happen, but what you've done here is make the first vital break, set the first boundary.

Now you need to build on that. Your plan to go to France is a good one I think, and in the immediate future, to maintain the 'pushing back' at them. Maintain the FURY at their treatment of your family, and don't give an inch.

You've already seen that your Dad is a more complex part of all this than maybe you'd realised. I think one of your big challenges might be to maintain your boundaries with regard to him - because once your mother sees that her bulldozing bullying style has lost its power, she's going to change tack - she's going to become the victim, and your Dad her 'reasonable' mouthpiece - so much more difficult to harden against that kind of subtle control. It's happening already - she's putting him on the phone to do her dirty work. He comes out of this with no glory at all, I'm afraid. You need to challenge him too. Why the hell does he think it is AT ALL appropriate to have an opinion of who YOUR son should see or not see? Make it clear that the only bad influence you are curently worried about is that of these TWO controlling, spiteful people. Pull no punches. Right now, you'd be happy to swap your so-called parents for people as calm, supportive and kind as your BF's dad. Tell them that. Make your Dad THINK what he's doing by being your mother's willing stirrer. Right now, he's getting to sit on the fence... he wants to control you too, but is only too happy to let your mother be the ugly face of that, while he plays Mr. Nice. I don't know which is worse to be honest...

Wishing you ALL the best and your DH and DS too, Impy - you can do this, I'm sure. Hurrah for Showdown Wednesday and a brighter, happier future!!!

PS HerHissyness :) I predict that one day we shall meet, declare ourselves lost twin souls, and open a pub called The Hissing Hamster. 10% off for MNers at the bar.

to that Shouty! Will we sell cup cakes? nice ham? oh definitely s!

I was going to bring up the dad angle too.. I'd be tearing a strip off him for the repercussions, and the DS will not meet comments. Who the jeff does this guy think he IS?

Places large order for "I agree with Shouty" badges, available at the bar for a small donation

Seriously, why is your DH still talking to your dad on the phone?! I thought you had made your decision.

I also find it slightly strange that your DH and your dad are negotiating about you and your plans, and you don't really seem to be involved. I realise this may be so that you don't have to take your parents' aggro directly, but surely it would be easiest not to answer the phone for a while?

I know from experience how awful these situations can be, so you have my sympathy.