Taking my DS out of the country tomorrow for 2 weeks, M still refusing to talk to me because of it - Long

[ImpyCelyn]

On Sunday DH told me that he'd got me and DS (8m) plane tickets to go to USA to stay with my BF and her family for 2 weeks.

My mother has taken this really badly (classic). She seems to think DS is actually hers, she hates me, and she really hates my BF and her family.

I called her on Sunday evening to let her know and she was obviously pissed off, no "oh how lovely for you both". Then it was "so am I even going to see DS before you leave". I told her I'd bring him down one evening and asked when she was free "I'm busy every day this week".

So I arranged to pop in quickly on Monday. She basically said nothing to me, said nothing at all about our trip, and took it personally when a very tired DS didn't want to be picked up and taken away from me. On the way out I suggested I pop in again tonight and got told "don't bother, you'll be busy", so I said it was no problem and she should let me know.

I work very very hard at trying to be ultra civil to M, as anything but the sweetest treatment has her raging that I'm rude, aggressive and ungrateful - while she screams in my face and calls me names.

Anyway, about 30mins after I got home she called, very tearful. Apparently DH had mentioned to Dad that he was going to suggest to me that I had DS chrismated while I'm over there. It's the church I was chrismated in (with no family, just BF and hers), and it's the one we planned to have DS's in in September (before my friend's fiancé called off their wedding; BF had suggested we do it the week before). After their wedding was cancelled DH and I had many discussions over what to do about DS because I was really against having him baptised RC, whereas DH doesn't mind him being chrismated.

So M threw a massive fit and guilt trip about how awful it was that it would be done with no family (she didn't care about mine), how they desperately wanted to see him baptised (Dad is an atheist, M hasn't been to church since our wedding and only went a few times before that to prove her credentials in competition with DMIL), how my grandparents would be so upset not to see their first great-grandchild baptised (my parents didn't do it for us, and they survived not seeing their first grandchildren baptised) etc etc

Then how awful it was to do it without DH (it was his idea) and how stupid it was to do it without his godfather (if we do it elsewhere it'll be without the godmother).

On and on, until finally "and I suppose it'll be that awful Mr X who does it" (BF's father who is a deacon) - which I think is the real issue. Especially as apparently the first thing my Dad said to DH about it was "I'm upset that Mr X will be doing it, because I hate him". They hate him and his wife because when I got married they wrote a lovely letter to my parents in which they described me as their second daughter - this apparently deeply offended my parents because they , and only they, are my family. (Overlooking my bro's BF who they constantly refer to as their second son). Also, I think, because my parents destroyed our relationship and I think they think that I love BF's lovely parents more than them, they're not wrong, but I've never mentioned it.

Anyway, Mr X may well be deaconing that day, but he will not be doing a Chrismation because he is not a priest.

DH's parents, who are deeply religious, are very supportive of it being done, and just want to hold a little party for their friends and family when we next go to France to welcome him to the community.

Ultimately DH and I think that as it's a religious sacrament what matters for us and DS is that we do it in a way we're happy with. We know that what matters to my mum is showing him off in his white gown, being complimented on how lovely he is, and demonstrating what a generous and kind GM and hostess she is.

Anyway, the upshot is, I'm being ignored, again.

And I don't know whether I should just take DS to see M tonight, or whether I should just leave her to wallow in her self-created misery. I'd like to do the latter, but I'm fairly certain that if I do I will be the evil bitch who didn't even bring DS to say goodbye.

Sorry for the essay, but I am so so sick of all the hassle and grief that I get from her, and I'm so pissed off that she is trying to control what we do with DS.

When I was a child family was me, bro, M&D, she cut her own parents and sisters out of it. Now that I have a DS she makes sure to stress at every available opportunity that family is me, bro, M&D and DS - DH until he started helping me stand up to them, and she also likes to tell me that when it comes to raising DS they only opinions that matter are ours and theirs.

She finished on the phone with "well, it's your choice. Goodbye" and hung up.

DH is telling Dad today that we're going ahead as planned.

Aaargh.

Thanks for reading this, if you got this far, I really needed to offload.

You weren't terse although if you were it'd be understandable! The extra info threw a lot more light on it. I'm really big on family occasions, hence my defence of her over the chrismation. I forget sometimes that not everyone feels the same.

Thanks :) It sounded terse in my head as I typed it :o

Normally I love big family events too. So we probably will have a little party when we get back.

I would stop telling your mother anything about you life.

Why do you tell her anything when she´s likely to cry/argue?

When she said she was too busy to see you you should have left it at that tbh.

It´s only 2 weeks-same as many families take as their annual Sumer holiday!

Narcissistic personality disorder may be the root cause of your mother's behaviour. Its actually typical of them.

Google Daughters of narcissistic mothers and see if that rings any bells with you.

I told her we were going because we were meant to be going to her aunt's birthday party the second weekend we're away, so I needed to let her know we can't make it.

And DH told them abou the Baptism/Chrismation because he doesn't come from a messed up family and is politer than I am, so thought it would be nicer to tell them in advance.

I normally try not to tell them anything they don't need to know.

Thanks Attila, I'll look at that

DH just got home. He and dad work at the same school, so they saw each other today.

Apparently it's all because my parents hate BF's family. Dad said outright that they really, really hate them. When BF's dad and brother came over for our wedding BF's dad and BF stayed with my parents. Her brother had been married for a couple of months and it turned out she had serious mental health problems, in that short time she'd attempted suicide twice, attacked him, quit her job, spent all their savings and a few other things. Understandably therefore the family was a bit tense. M&D decided they were rude and foul. When BF's dad got home he sent them a letter apologising, but in it he had the audacity to say that they considered me to be one of their family. Dad told DH this "infuriated" him, apparently how dare they "appropriate his daughter". And as long as I see them there will be trouble with my parents. DH said nothing on this one as he thinks it's unwinnable, but he thinks my parents are wrong.

So that's why they're so angry I'm going to America.

RE the baptism/Chrismation - the same issue, they can't bear that BF's family will be there for it.

Dad said it's our choice, but that if we go ahead with it there will be repercussions.

At this point DH had had enough, so he said that his family are a loving family and while they're upset, they support us. He told my dad that he doesn't think they are loving parents because loving parents don't threaten their children.

Dad did accept that threatening us isn't very nice.

He also said the timing was bad because he was hoping that we'd have made it to one full year without trouble between me and my mum, and implied that I have yet again caused trouble.

He also said it would upset the "the family" - DH pointed out that none of them are churchgoers, and dad conceded this also. DH also pointed out that they wouldn't have bothered coming to France for it either, also conceded.

They want to see us this evening. DH told me I'm not allowed to argue. I should just let them say it, and then we'll tell them we're doing it anyway and leave.

Oh, and dad also asked if we, me and DH, were having problems. So I assume my mum thinks I'm going because of that and that's why DH won't be at the baptism.

DH pointed out again that it was his idea.

I feel really sick at the thought of having to see them. I don't want to go. I'd rather DH just phoned to say that I'm not prepared to go and be civil to people who threaten me with "repercussions".

And if I have to choose, I'll take BF's family any day.

Oh I'm actually having palpitations, I can't really breathe properly.

How awful :(

You don't have to see them tonight if you don't want to. Get your DH to tell them why not, or make up an excuse if that's easier.

Don´t go-why should you answer the "summons"?

poor you.
don't go if you don't want to.
what would the repercussion be? that they give you notice on the flat? that they quit contact (would not be sooo bad?)?

Also, are your parents jealous that you have so much to do with your bfs family or do they think that they influence you too much?

I think DH is going to call and say if they want to see the baby DH will take him down, but if they're planning to argue with us we're not going at all.

I have no idea what the repercussions would be, I don't see what they can threaten us with - we've got the baby after all and that's what they really want.

I hardly ever see BF's family. I haven't seen any of them apart from her for 2 years, and I've seen BF a handful of times in that period. The only influence they have on me is that I think BF's mum in particular is a lovely person and an excellent mother, and I'd like to be more like her - but I've never said anything remotely like that to my parents. I suppose BF herself influenced my choice of church, but that's it. I really think it's because I love them and I'm happy with them.

why can't they come if they want to see their grandchild?
put the ball in their court.

OMG, I think you are my double.
This is EXACTLY how my parents behaved when I got married five years ago.
I still haven't got over how angry they made me. Their selfishness was unbelievable.
It always has to be about them and everything is twisted to make you the bad person.
I still haven't worked out how to handle my parents. I wish you luck in doing so.

If she is a narcissist then your mum will not want you to hang out with normal families as this will only highlight what a nut job she is. Hence the anger - she knows she is losing control over you.

My dad used exactly the same phrase: "It's up to you, but if you go ahead, there will be repercussions".

Why put yourself through this.

What wold you say if this were a friend of your telling you about her family.

You've already said that you think your mother is foul (and I have to say from what you've said I agree with you).

First things first - you will not change her. She will never be the mother you want her to be. Accept this and you may be able to move on.

Your son is your son and whilst usually I will say its important for a child to have the whole family involved in their life, sometimes it isn't. My grandmother was a lovely woman and nan when I was growing up but now she just isn't there anymore. I won;t go into the whole story as its all rather boring but I've accepted that the nan I had has gone and I'm not prepared to have my girls feel like second best, we no longer see her and I am much happier for it.

I have the same with my natural dad (again another long boring story) he's not the dad I want, he never will be. I've moved on, I have no expectations from him and my children aren;t constantly disappointed. Don't get me wrong, I still get upset by it all and would love for him to know how I feel, but ultimately it won't change things.

Have a fab holiday, enjoy seeing your friends and quite frankly your mother can fuck off!

DH just called and said we'll come to see you, but not for a heated discussion. Dad said he can't guarantee it but he'll try. DH said we'd bring DS. I then cut in and said I wouldn't come if there was going to be an argument. So dad said he'd have to call us back - so as I thought my mum is the driving force.

Dad called back and said they just want to ask us some questions. And DH has agreed, although I guarantee right now that whatever I say my mum will accuse me of being unsympathetic, unfeeling, rude and ungrateful. I'll let you know.

Im a combination of terrified and furious.

Hi - I answered one of your other threads and reading this account of your mother she really does sound like a narcissist. She will never, ever, ever behave appropriately and will never be the mother you need her to be. It truly sucks, but accepting that is one of the first steps you can take to living your own life, not one spent looking over your shoulder.

Do you think you're brave enough to tell them you're not going over to their summons? If DH does it they will bitch and moan about him forever (my husband and my sister's husband are persona non grata where my mother is concerned). Just a simple "Hi Dad, I don't think I'm going to make it tonight. See you when I'm back from the States" - even do it by text message if you want and then turn off your phone so they don't drag you into an argument.

It isn't normal for a family to dictate who their adult children spend time with, just like it isn't normal to hate people for no obvious reason/an imagined slight. My mother loathes one of my aunts because we've only been invited to their house once. We've never been to plenty of other people's houses and she's fine with them, but you point this out and you get an earful. My father now parrots the same reasons to dislike people, just like your dad seems to. I cite this as an example of how ludicrous it is for adults to take against people for imagined slights.

I know this really sucks, but with time and distance (and it sounds like you have the opportunity for distance going to France) you'll get through it.

dollius - so sorry you had/are having the same problems. I hope you can find a way to deal with it. I think I'll be leaving the country this summer and not coming back.

needanewname - quite right, if this was a friend I'd be telling her to disengage and ideally get rid. I know she'll never be what I want, but I haven't got to the "move on" stage yet, I'm still upset by it. Sorry to hear you have family problems too. DH has always said he doesn't want to cut out DS's family, but I think he's starting to contemplate it.

You are adults-you do not have to answer to them.

Impy, you have recognised what she is, that is a start. When you need support come on here, we'll tell you you're not being mad, rude ignorant etc etc (unless of course you are )

I'd like to say I don;t have family problems now but I know it still gets to me everynow and then (Fathers day for example) I don;t think it will ever go away completely, but at least its taught me how to be with my family.

Good luck and enjoy the States

Oh there'll be repercussions, will there? Ooh you naughty girl. Time for Mummy's punishment...

Think it's time to take back the control here. As you say, you have what they want. Also - crucially - you are just about at the point where you're so sick of their crap that for two pins you'd walk away from them for good. So you hold all the cards here. As a result, it really shouldn't be you feeling sick and angry and apprehensive. It should be them - if only they knew on what absolutely shaky ground they are.

I'd get in touch either via your DH or by something like text (i.e don't speak with them directly if you'd rather not... why the hell should you?) Something like:

'I've heard via DH that you've now started making threats of 'repercussions' over this matter. You say you want to ask us some questions this evening. That's fine, we can discuss things like adults with you anytime you want.
I thought it fair to let you know, though, that we'll also be asking some questions... and we'll expect some straight answers. We're sick to death of your attitude towards us. You have no right at all to dictate anything about our lives, and we're getting to the point where we're beginning to think, sadly, that we and DS would be better off without having you in our lives. So tonight, we're going to be asking exactly what your idea of 'repercussions' is, and why the hell you think you've got the right to threaten us in this way. Think carefully about your answers, because it's very likely we'll use those answers to decide whether we want to stay in this house, and to stay in contact with you. Be warned. We have really had enough.'

:)