Taking my DS out of the country tomorrow for 2 weeks, M still refusing to talk to me because of it - Long

[ImpyCelyn]

On Sunday DH told me that he'd got me and DS (8m) plane tickets to go to USA to stay with my BF and her family for 2 weeks.

My mother has taken this really badly (classic). She seems to think DS is actually hers, she hates me, and she really hates my BF and her family.

I called her on Sunday evening to let her know and she was obviously pissed off, no "oh how lovely for you both". Then it was "so am I even going to see DS before you leave". I told her I'd bring him down one evening and asked when she was free "I'm busy every day this week".

So I arranged to pop in quickly on Monday. She basically said nothing to me, said nothing at all about our trip, and took it personally when a very tired DS didn't want to be picked up and taken away from me. On the way out I suggested I pop in again tonight and got told "don't bother, you'll be busy", so I said it was no problem and she should let me know.

I work very very hard at trying to be ultra civil to M, as anything but the sweetest treatment has her raging that I'm rude, aggressive and ungrateful - while she screams in my face and calls me names.

Anyway, about 30mins after I got home she called, very tearful. Apparently DH had mentioned to Dad that he was going to suggest to me that I had DS chrismated while I'm over there. It's the church I was chrismated in (with no family, just BF and hers), and it's the one we planned to have DS's in in September (before my friend's fiancé called off their wedding; BF had suggested we do it the week before). After their wedding was cancelled DH and I had many discussions over what to do about DS because I was really against having him baptised RC, whereas DH doesn't mind him being chrismated.

So M threw a massive fit and guilt trip about how awful it was that it would be done with no family (she didn't care about mine), how they desperately wanted to see him baptised (Dad is an atheist, M hasn't been to church since our wedding and only went a few times before that to prove her credentials in competition with DMIL), how my grandparents would be so upset not to see their first great-grandchild baptised (my parents didn't do it for us, and they survived not seeing their first grandchildren baptised) etc etc

Then how awful it was to do it without DH (it was his idea) and how stupid it was to do it without his godfather (if we do it elsewhere it'll be without the godmother).

On and on, until finally "and I suppose it'll be that awful Mr X who does it" (BF's father who is a deacon) - which I think is the real issue. Especially as apparently the first thing my Dad said to DH about it was "I'm upset that Mr X will be doing it, because I hate him". They hate him and his wife because when I got married they wrote a lovely letter to my parents in which they described me as their second daughter - this apparently deeply offended my parents because they , and only they, are my family. (Overlooking my bro's BF who they constantly refer to as their second son). Also, I think, because my parents destroyed our relationship and I think they think that I love BF's lovely parents more than them, they're not wrong, but I've never mentioned it.

Anyway, Mr X may well be deaconing that day, but he will not be doing a Chrismation because he is not a priest.

DH's parents, who are deeply religious, are very supportive of it being done, and just want to hold a little party for their friends and family when we next go to France to welcome him to the community.

Ultimately DH and I think that as it's a religious sacrament what matters for us and DS is that we do it in a way we're happy with. We know that what matters to my mum is showing him off in his white gown, being complimented on how lovely he is, and demonstrating what a generous and kind GM and hostess she is.

Anyway, the upshot is, I'm being ignored, again.

And I don't know whether I should just take DS to see M tonight, or whether I should just leave her to wallow in her self-created misery. I'd like to do the latter, but I'm fairly certain that if I do I will be the evil bitch who didn't even bring DS to say goodbye.

Sorry for the essay, but I am so so sick of all the hassle and grief that I get from her, and I'm so pissed off that she is trying to control what we do with DS.

When I was a child family was me, bro, M&D, she cut her own parents and sisters out of it. Now that I have a DS she makes sure to stress at every available opportunity that family is me, bro, M&D and DS - DH until he started helping me stand up to them, and she also likes to tell me that when it comes to raising DS they only opinions that matter are ours and theirs.

She finished on the phone with "well, it's your choice. Goodbye" and hung up.

DH is telling Dad today that we're going ahead as planned.

Aaargh.

Thanks for reading this, if you got this far, I really needed to offload.

Oh how I love Shouty [swoon]

"It's up to you, but if you go ahead, there will be repercussions".

The ONLY reply to this is as follows:

It's actually up to YOU, DM, if you carry on with this manipulation, terrorism of me, my H, my family and my dear, dear friends who have never willingly done anything wrong to you, nor me, and infact DO treat me as a proper member of their family... If you carry on with this iinsane behaviour, I think the one that will be forced to live with repercussions love, is YOU.

This is your final warning, this insane control and irrational jealousy of a good family is stopping today. Do you really think I won't choose decent people over nasty bitter and manipulative ones? Do you? care to test it out? Do you dare?

Then turn on your heel and leave.

Don't EVER take this shit. If this were a H or a P, you could be down women's aid quick as a flash, as this is hideous abuse of you, and has to stop.

Ultimately, you need to understand that there is a chance she won't stop, and the only answer to that is to cut back on seeing her.

As she is, she is no loss to you, your DS, your DH, your BF, no-body. NOT having her in your life would improve it. dramatically.

I shuddered every time I heard abusive X key in the door, to feel sick and not answer in case it's your own mother calling is unfathomable.

This is YOUR life, let your DH help you through this, and refuse to engage in any arguements at all. leave if you are there, or hang up every single time she gets shitty with you. DH can do the same.

What HerHissyness said.

They are only your parents, just normal people, not some God like person you must obey.

Well it was short, and a disaster.

To start with M kept us waiting and then came down red eyed.

They asked why we'd decided to do it now, well we explained that it was when the opportunity presented itself.

Why were we doing it so that no family could come. Mum then claimed that she would have flown over. Well she had as much notice as I did, so she still could.

DH said "seriously, you keep telling us how much you hate them, would you really have stayed with them".

"Do you know why we hate them?" then followed a massive rant about exactly why she hates BF's dad. Mainly bollocks. And said that he'd referred to me as "Myfirstname Theirsurname" - not true, she showed me the letter when she got it and it didn't say that, he just said I was one of the family. He also referred to my parents are my first family, apparently they're not my first family, they're my actual family - I think this is only an issue because of the hatred.

When I defended this I got accused of being aggressive and argumentative.

So I said that was because I'd had enough after D had threatened DH with "repercussions". D said "don't you dare, I retracted that". So I pointed out that nonetheless his first thought had been to threaten us. D said "it wasn't my first thought, I had many thoughts", so I said that the one he'd chosen to articulate to DH was to threaten us.

At which point D told me I should leave. I said I should and picked up DS.

As I was walking out the room M said "if you walk out that door..."

"Oh, is that another threat"

D- "No, no it's not"

Me -"yes, it is"

And I walked out.

DH came after me and we went home.

And I cried hysterically.

And we haven't heard anything.

But DH's parents called, and said we'd done the right thing.

DH said he regrets that I didn't stay and fight, but I don't see why I should fight. There's nothing to fight about. We've made the decision.

They weren't prepared to accept the answers to their questions, and then they ranted at us.

oh . I think you did the right thing by leaving. Enjoy your trip and I'd be thinking seriously about how much/what kind of contact you have with your parents from now on.

Why do you involve them so much in your life? Disengage. Your mother sounds awful and will do her best to poison your relationship with your son.

Well done Impy for standing up to her! You fucking rock!

Take the time to let all the upset out, because you are entitled to feel upset by this all - your mother has been vile to you again. Enjoy your holiday and take the opportunity to have a break from her and when you come back to the UK decide what to do next.

Your response to your DH that there's nothing to fight about is so right. There isn't - there's no point in banging your head against a brick wall!

Re your mother saying your BF's father had called you their surname - this is a standard narcissistic tactic known as gaslighting. They'll distort the truth and swear blind it's true. I'd expect she's done it a number of times before and had one of her tantrums if you have disagreed with her version of events. She sounds perfectly horrid.

Once more, well done for standing your ground. Have a glass or two of wine tonight and relax.

jees you poor things even now as you were walking out the door she is still threatening you . I do this with my just 12 yr old . I wont be doing it much longer . You are an adult do they not realise you are a grown up . Stay strong this trip away is a good thing .

Shouty and HerHissyness - thanks so much for your messages. I think we've just tipped over the edge into arranging our escape.

DH is going to speak to a colleague about a spare room for next academic year and I'll go out to France.

I think they'll leave us where we are for now, I don't think we'll be evicted.

And we're going to toughen up about just not engaging with them.

"he just said I was one of the family. He also referred to my parents are my first family, apparently they're not my first family, they're my actual family"

Well I will say that that does sound odd to me & I´m tempted to see your parents POV on that.

But that aside, I´m not surprised that the meeting went as it did.

Good for you. This is your life and she is making it a miserable.

(((HUGS))))

diddl - if I remember correctly he said something along the lines of "we think of Impy as a member of the X family, like our second daughter, and she is a credit to you, her first family", which may have been clumsily written, but I don't think needed my parents to start shrieking about not being a first family, but being the only family.

Thanks everyone!

cremeeggs - yes, apparently M never smacked us, and she certainly never slapped me in the face when I was a teenager. She also never told me I'd be cut off if I did the degree I wanted God I should just have left then and never come back.

I would say goodbye to your M.for the way she has acted and treated you and give your Dgg a hug for sorting out tickets go enjoy your break .And btw your Bf family sound lovely as does your dh

verytellytubby - because I don't know any other way to live my life. I've always lived with a control freak mother who demanded to know everything, and now I live in her flat, and it's hard to change the habits of, literally, a lifetime.

It does sound clumsy-I think to think of someone else as "part of the family" is OK but "first family" sounds really odd.

But as you say, I think that your parents just wanted to use it as a reason to nitpick, well, tbh to argue.

If your friends family were asking you to go & live with them, that might be something!

I also think that you were right to leave.

Whatever you say they wouldn´t listen/wouldn´t see your point at all imo.

It has helped you make your decision about where to live, that´s for sure.

Any chance of them not having your details in France so that if you want contact it is on your terms only?

Sadly not, they know where the house is. But they won't get the number. And if they turn up uninvited they'll be told to sod off.

^phone number

Not much practical advice to add, I'm sorry, just read this thread with utter disgust at your mother's behaviour. I cannot even begin to fathom what the ACTUAL PROBLEM is... (I mean, I understand what it is, but honestly, wtf? How can people be so childish?)

I feel so sorry for you having such an unbelievable crap mother. You sound like you get on well with your PIL? Anything that's further away from her and closer to people who actually mean well and take care of you is a good thing.

I'd get her out of my life completely if I were you, of course, I understand that such a thing is easier said than done. I read on the other thread you're in therapy, which I was definitely going to suggest, so that's good! I'm sure that in time you'll find it easier and easier to ignore her stupidity and focus on the things and people that actually add something to your life. Just wanted to wish you the best of luck, and most importantly, a great holiday - sounds like it'll be tons of fun! hug

Well done for not engaging in an argument, you should be proud of yourself

The first family comment isn't actually that bad. Your mother just took it as an insult as she hates them. You have to feel sorry for someone with such huge issues.

I am a bit confused about all the religious aspect to this. Presumably your mother is a Catholic and your DH, and BF and now you seem to be entangled with Eastern Orthodoxy. These religious rites can only take place either in the US, or in France? It all sounds a bit strange to me.

Is the reason behind your mother's hatred of this family more do to with the fact that they seem to have indoctrinated you into their religion?

Oddly enough FAB I struggle to raise much sympathy for her :) But in principle I agree, her own life must be a misery to live.

According to them I did argue also classic

Thanks NeonGolden - I would love to cut her out, but I'd lose my dad (actually I'm not sure that's so bad anymore), my brother, and almost certainly my extended family (although maybe not my aunts, I don't think they like their sister that much). It's just such a huge step to take.

And hence her huge concern of you flying to the US to do the same with your son? A surprise of flights for you and ds to go spend time with a friend sounds odd to me. Would your dh not want to be at any chrismation ceremony? Especially if his religion is so important to him.

It does strike me from your posts that this family has a lot of inflluence over you. Please forgive me if I am wrong.

I wasn't indoctrinated into a religion, nor am I entangled.

I'm a member of a Greek Catholic church, that is in communion with Rome. They're part of the Catholic church, but have differences in a few of the areas that prevented me from wanting to be RC.

My mother is nominally a Catholic, but raised me and my brother with no religion. She was originally quite happy to be Chrismated, but not that bothered by it. She now hates it because she's decided to hate my friend's family. The issue with religion came up after the letter from BF's dad.

The church isn't very large, and as such they don't have many actual churches. There is one in Paris and one in Marseille. There is a different Eastern Catholic church in London, but the bishop for England is based in France.

They can of course take place in many other countries, but not the UK.

As we are in communion with Rome, but also a Greek church, we can take communion in either RC or GO churches.

I approached my friend about being baptised in her church, as I knew I wanted to be Eastern rite.

Oh OK - so this is your cultural background then. Please ignore me. I am just trying to understand what the problem is.