What's this behaviour called?

[TotallyLovely]

I was wondering if this has a name. My DHs dad is always jumping on the things he (and me) say and criticising. He does it in a jokey way so it's hard to be openly annoyed.

For eg, he will comment every time my DH mentions buying something as he says my DH is stingey. This isn't true at all, we are just very skint so it's actually quite a mean thing to do.

Or when we say we have seen a new program on telly and how good it is he'll say "oh do you watch (add in something crap) as well?" If we don't react he'll say it again. It's a bit like he's a little kid after attention sometimes.

Or he'll correct us and seem to get great pleasure out of pointing out we have said something factually incorrect.

Or call my DH a wimp if he is unwell which is cruel as he has health problems.

When we go to see them it feels as though I am constantly deflecting the comments and it's exhausting. My DH has low self-esteem (wonder why eh) so doesn't really stick up for himself enough. I just used to let it go over my head as they are my DHs family and felt it was for him to deal with, but something has changed lately. I think I have just had enough and now try not to let a single comment go by!

Is there a name for this sort of behaviour or is he just a wanker?

how will naming it improve the situation? can't you just stop seeing them?

its called ignorant old git syndrome.

Does that make it easier to deal with?

Yeah, annoying old git.

You need to develop thick skin syndrome and how to 'jokingly' ask someone to leave if they don't stop talking like an arse.

No its the "I've got to make a clever comment/put someone down to make me feel good about myself" syndrome.

Unfortunately it is caused initially by a lack of self esteem.

So beware

Yes it's just bullying isn't it. What an arse hole!

I have tried to get DH to stick up for himself but he's dad is an extremely spikey person. You can't say anything in response without that being followed by a barrage of further comments of the "It was a joke", "there's something wrong with you", "you got PMT (to my DH)" variety. He just goes on and on and on until you wished you have never said anything. He won't be told he is wrong and can be a bit scary faced at times. He is also one of those people who have an answer and a comeback for everything. Unfortuneatley I am not!

So at the moment I deflect the comments with humor but I'm not as quick as him!

PredictableDullard No we can't just stop seeing them, not without dividing the whole family, and over a "joke" as well!

oldwomaninashoe It's funny you should say that as my DH can't help himself when I say something wrong (pronounce a word weirdly or something) and has to mention it. I tell him he is like his dad and that seems to have an effect!

oldwomaninashoe is absolutely right. He is trying to score points because of his own inadequacy/insecurity/fragile ego - only losers try to score points. Maybe you could tell him that! I think men or women for that matter who behave like that should be countered, though it sounds like this would lead to a big argument that he would have to win. To preserve your energy why bother to enter into this "game" he is playing....."ok ok you win - happy now" or somesuch. I think your use of humour is a good tactic. It probably annoys him as well!

Ime, naming it does help. Identify as many of his individual tactics as you can, then start naming them back to him. Not smiling, of course! Recent examples I have done [proud]: "Please don't belittle what I'm saying"; "Please don't make out I'm lying"; "Don't take the piss"; "Please stop bullying me"; "That wasn't funny, it was rude". You get the picture. He will hate it, and will try to turn the conversation round to be all about HIM and how OK he is ( = how not-OK you are). Don't play along, keep bringing it back to whatever you were discussing.

For motivation - once you start doing this, his other victims will be very relieved somebody's finally pulled him on it, and will back you up as soon as they get over the shock

NanaNina I think the humor does annoy him yes. When he kept repeating that same insult over and over recently I commented that "it was impossible for us to take in what he was saying due to his monotonous voice!"

(committing to memory the "why are you trying to score points, only insecure/inadequate/losers try to score points" thing, although may get a black eye for it!)

garlicnutter That's what I thought, that if I start naming it I can fling it right back at him.