How to i stop MIL Bitching & judging me...

[Vix1980]

Sorry if this turns into more rant than question, just so sick of it... she has an opinion on everything, knows everything better than the experts etc... Its been building up for quite some years but recently bought a house and have been renovating it since Nov, every weekend without fail her and her husband turn up without asking (its literally like a building site, were not even living there at the moment) so obviously its going to be dusty, were digging up floors for gods sake, the final straw came today when she barged past me to go put the kettle on and i heard her scream god the state of this kitchen (id finished grouting the floors yesterday, the tiles on the work surface are half done)

After walking away i came back to find her scrubbing the kitchen clean, i told her it was pointless, its just going to get dirty again, but she insisted i should have done it myself cos it was a show, i said yes what do you expect, look around we have no plaster on walls, no floors in some rooms and my main concern is meant to be getting the flash out for the kitchen, so she cleaned it all anyway, scratched a load of dirt into the tops and doesnt see any wrong, this all happened around half 2, by 4 i had a phone call from my SIL, Asking how it went today, she'd heard from her mum about the state of the house, so she had obviously gone straight back to call her and bitch as she usually does, thing is sil knows what shes like.

My partner sees no wrong in this, the fact ive never done anything to please her, yet i have to put up with her opinions on everything, im not cleaning/painting/driving anything right to her.... soooo sick of it, and i also want to stop this coming round every weekend, itdid stop for a while but has suddenly started up again!

I find it amazing that DP sees nothing wrong with this. You need to get clear with him that his loyalty lies with his family now, not his mum, his own family (i.e. you!). And you need to ignore her or answer her back. I think as long as you explain your problems to DH then you should strike a balance between the two.

Vix, as hard as this may seem, your MIL has clear issues, problems, baggage, whatever you want to call it. Everything she is doing, it runs deeper than any issue she may have with you. It is not about You. It's not about your home, it's not about your DP and it's not about ANYTHING you have done, or will do for that matter.

It gets under your skin, of course it does, it's your home. BUT, if you and her are going to find any peace, or any sort of equal ground, then see past it. It's not about you.

Sorry if this post seems abrupt and unsupportive to your cause, but this MIL of yours is so typical of how my own Mum behaves. You'd do so much better to recognise and humour her 'ways', even talk about them with her. Turning her into your ally instead of an enemy, will be so much better for you in the long run.

Let her clean your kitchen, if it makes her feel better... what's the harm? Logic says that of course you are right - but she's clearly an illogical, irrational person that 'needs' to do these odd things. Humour her. Get her on board. Talk to her. It's so easy to make enemies of people when they are so different from us. Get her on board and you'll probably have a friend for life.

It's taken me 30 years to get to this point, so this may seem ludicrous to you. I don't blame you. But MIL or not, she's just another person with clearly a few problems.

You won't stop her it is who she is

Hi and thanks... I also think that he should say something to her, it runs much further than this, i recently took her shopping with me as she doesnt drive, i had her telling me what to buy, in the end i just told her straight as ive started doing now in a jokey kind of way and it works, but i can tell shes seething she has no control. In some ways i feel like its me whos at wrong as the whole family just let her behave this way but i guess they just see it as normal cos they had it for so long.

As it stands no though id be truly happy if she never came to my house again, but will definatly take theadvice on board of making her an ally instead of an enemy, just seems so hard to get on with her and i dreadto think what she'd be like when we havekids as were already trying, so god only knows whats in store for me, theres only so much i will put up with then i tend to snap.

Vix,

Your partner seems to be in complete thrall to his mother as many of these completely domineered men are. Also a lifetime of such conditioning makes it very hard for such men to actually stand up to these disordered women.
It is down to the two of you to present a united front with regards to his parents, she is a person that needs to be spoken to jointly.

What's FIL like; he seems to be playing out the bystander role here (i.e acting out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. I would not let him off the hook either).

You may well want to read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as this gives examples as to why dysfunctional families operate as they do.

This woman will not apologise nor take any responsibility for their actions.
Humouring such people by backing down could possibly make such situations worse in the long run (her own family have done that already and look where they are now) and won't make things any easier for you. You can try to be her friend but I think your overtures could well be rejected because she does not really want friendship and I don't think you will ever get her on board. This is about power and control, she is very controlling. Cleaning your own kitchen was another way of exerting such control and her behaviour is very unhealthy, infact controlling behaviour is seen as abusive.

You would not put up with it from a friend, this woman is no different in that regard. You need boundaries re her with regards to acceptable behaviour, "normal" methods do not work here.

It is not your fault she is this way, her own birth family did that.

I think you should learn a way of speaking to her when she is like this, which is very firm and puts an end to the discussions. For eg "No you won't clean my kitchen" in a very firm way and then just usher her out of the room.

Do you think that would help?

Hi, No i dont think it would help, already tried it and she plays the poor me, im only trying to help out, which everyone else falls for but i see straight through.

I find her smothering at times if im honest, im very much a loner in the respect i dont need people to be around fussing constantly, i hardly see my own mother as it is so certainly dont need a substitute to come around trying to "look after us" as she puts it.
Her eldest is my partner at 31, she also has a son and a daughter, the daughter now lives in spain and the other son who is 31 only moved out last year, up until then she was still cleaning his room, making the beds etc, you get the picture she just wont stop, so now it seems she is very much stuck with empty nest syndrome, she drinks on a daily basis, usually rings us up at 10 some nights to talk about nothing repeating herself. Thing is though i can handle her better when she is drunk cos i can just tell her straight, to which she laughs about it with me.
I just wish she had other interests, i know it must be upsetting to see your children leave home, but my mum went through it and managed just fie along with other people too. Ive tried to explain this to my partner, he agrees with it as everything she does describes it perfectly, but he wont do anything about it.
If it was just the cleaning i could live with it but the other thing is, she thinks she knows best but nearly always ends up breaking/ruining/scratching something along the way. She has already broke some of the items id bought for when we move back in, Id rather she just butted out, moved to spain to be near her daughter and everything would be fine.

Her husband is the only 1 who speaks sense actually and will tell her straight, when she started cleaning he rightly told her it wasnt her place to do it, and to leave us alone, i get on with him fine and we have a little joke about her doing such things.

You have to KEEP telling her NO, this is your kitchen, her cleaning is destroying the work tops, it's not the right thing to do at the moment.

If she says anything, say to her 'Look, not being funny, but if we had invited you over, we would do our best to manage the building works accordingly, but we haven't. we are in the middle of major works and this is how it is.' You are not prepared to have someone come into your domain and damage your hard earned new kitchen.

Say that you are offended that she is not more considerate, and telling your SIL that your house is (understanably) in a state is unfair and uncalled for. The house will be like this for the next few months, until then, she doesn't have to turn up unannounced if it so offends her.

You will INVITE her when the house is ready for inspection.

Don't put up with this shit. Prime your DH and tell him that he agrees with you and backs you to the hilt, or he can move back in where his baby brother left.

Stand up for yourself! don't let people walk over you. Sure it's hard the first time, but she's like a toddler, she'll keep pushing boundaries, until you put your foot down.

*understandably sorry!

I agree with herhissyness. Next time she comes, if she says she wants to help give her a real shit job to do. Best not to let her past the front door if possible! She is a right bitch.

It's sad that she has a drink problem. Has anyone talked to her about that? I can see that she might be trying to cling onto her role of looking after (bossing about) and cleaning for her children but you need to put up boundaries as you and your DH are not children!

Ha ha i think thats what she thinks, we are her children, the other brother lives an hour away so as were only 15 mins were closer to annoy help!

Thought it was just me being nasty with pmt i can be a total bitch but after reading these its just making me more convinced if i dont stop it now this will be the way it is.... as fathers day today my partner rang to speak to his dad, i heard her announce that she had done dinner for us both, this was the 1st i had heard, so i said cant make it sorry going to see my own dad, she apparently had a huge gob on her all day, he ended up going out the pub with them after dinner and there he stays now, ive been to see my dad, a few friends, now get some time to myself away form his family... Winner!!