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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he giving mixed messages - or am i thick?

80 replies

veryconfusing · 17/06/2011 13:45

Had a first date from a guy 10 days ago and it went well.

Then after a few days i saw him on facebook and said hi and he ignored me. Then the following day he said he could do something again, but both of us have been a little busy.
Some days i get ignored, and then i get contacted.. and although hes said about doing something, nothing has been said.

On wednesday i asked if he wanted to do something over the weekend and got no reply for 5 hours ( sent a text) so thought id but a closure on it and sent a message saying, not to worry and it had been nice meeting him. He replied within seconds saying i was being foolish and was over reacting, and he did want to. texting went on all evening.

Thursday hes been very flirty on my facebook page, so i sent a text, to which i got no reply. Today we have so far been in a poke war.

Im bloody confused.

last weekend before we were both busy we had said about doing something tonight, but nothiing has been said since, and he didnt reply when i asked if he wanted to do something.

Ive now made other plans, but i dont know if i am indeed being foolish and inpatient, or hes just messing me about.

OP posts:
SingOut · 17/06/2011 15:50

As dittany pointed out, this bit: "He replied within seconds saying i was being foolish and was over reacting" should tell you all you need to know.

I personally wouldn't have sent the message that elicited this response. If you're giving up, just give up - don't feel the need to tell them, otherwise it looks like your angling for a reaction. That said, I think his response was totally unacceptable, so put it down to learning experience, and don't chase them as hard next time. If someone REALLY wants to spend time with you, they will find the time and very soon! They will not dick you about, and if they have unavoidable commitments that prevent them from seeing you again and soon, they will be very anxious to explain this lest you lose interest.

So in summary, he sounds like an knob and not that bothered. You sound like you need to allow the person to show if they like you and respect if they don't rather than trying to pin them down. And don't FB someone in future until you know them better :)

Renaissance227 · 17/06/2011 16:16

You won't have that you were hassling a little because of his slow responses will you?! Have you not picked up that nearly all of us have posted that you were coming on a bit strong and being a bit much?
If you won't listen to advice given and will continue to think what you think then just move on.
I have to say that even I (who loves texting sad as that is!) would run a mile from a "just forget it" text!!!

fizzfiend · 17/06/2011 16:21

don't write it off. Texting is a dating minefield. Sometimes people just aren't able to respond immediately.

You have nothing to lose by seeing him again. No reason why he should be full-on when things are so early days. But keep your antenna alert for red flags.

I suggest backing off and letting him do the running completely. It's tough, and you want to make plans, but try it.

Hullygully · 17/06/2011 16:24

shit bum arse-face

pinkytheshrinky · 17/06/2011 16:31

Erm sounds to me like you are being put on the subs bench - not interested enough to make a move or arrange anything but not letting you off completely - he is not interested enough and that is not good enough. I suspect you will get a call if he has nothing better to do............... (I used to do this with men when I was younger and more morally bankrupt)Blush

give him the elbow

next!

MediumPretty · 17/06/2011 16:37

What is a "poke war"? Confused

strawberryjelly · 17/06/2011 16:51

Why do you think that if someone does not reply to a text for 5 hours that they deserve a "okay, that's it " kind of response?

If that's not over reacting, what is it?

You were provoking him for a reply. No?

Can't you see that- you asked him if he wanted to meet again- you tried to pin him down- the guy hesitated ( maybe has other irons in the fire, maybe he wasn't sure....you don't own him after 1 date) - so instead of sitting back and waiting to see what happens, you come over all petulant and say "That's it then".

No surprises you got a snappy text back.

Just don't chase so much- if they are interested- really interested- you will know.

kallima · 17/06/2011 16:55

no way. a man who texts constantly before the date does not just stop texting after the date because he has 'work' or 'is busy'. he's playing a game and making you run after him. and you are running after him arent you, so you're playing straight into his hands and giving his ego a HUGE boost. if he was keen, he'd still be texting all the time. fact.

if you can, leave him. he sounds like a twat and definitely not worth the hassle. you want a man who is keen on you!

Zanette · 17/06/2011 17:18

Hmmm, I think you should say 'goodbye' to this bloke.

As others have said, if he was really interested he'd be back in touch and finalising that second date.

I think him not replying after 5hrs is a bit of a pain but maybe he didn't see his phone. Your post has reminded me to look at my phone and there's a text there I didn't hear come in and I haven't replied. I met my guy online and there is a fair bit of text flirting before the first date where you imagine many a scenario, but honestly, if he wanted to see you, he would.

Good luck with the next one!

ducati · 17/06/2011 17:43

I think the world of romance has taken a wrong turn because of txting, facebook and all the rest. It is quite conceivable that a fledgling relationship can burn out within days because of the ease of communication and finding out info on one another, and how easily messages and lack of messages can be misconstrued.

It seems to have undermined the tried and tested "can I see you again?" at the end of a first date. I know this sounds old and crusty but it's true.

I had a burn out with someone i really liked after a few months because it just went too far too fast due to electronic communcations. After a long break it has recently been rekindled but we never txt or email, instead (shock) talk on the phone and meet. It means no damaging running commentary on our own lives and there is not too much information.....
I would so recommend saying at end of the date "I'm not much of a txter. Shall we chat in a couple of days?"

strawberryjelly · 17/06/2011 17:50

oh for the voice of reason ducati- BUT how many times have we sat by t he phone waiting for a guy to fulfil his promise of "I'll call you in a couple of days"? I'm still waiting for one from 40 years back! (and I didn't have his number!)

I think the clue to the OP's question is in her first line:
Had a first date from a guy 10 days ago and it went well.

In whose opinion did it go wel? hers, sure. But his? maybe not quite so certain.

she made the contact afterwards via FB the proceeded to keep up the contact.

dittany · 17/06/2011 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gawdonbennett · 17/06/2011 17:57

I'm a bloke and I do a bit of online dating so here's my take:

I don't get into texting too much with someone I haven't met yet.
A couple of messages, and maybe a phone conversation to arrange a meet.
After the first date, if I am interested, I'll send them one text and see what the response is.
If I get no response I'll move on. If I get a positive then I'll arrange another date.
I have done the substitutes bench thing if I'm honest. If he was really interested he'd have lined up another date with you quite quickly. The problem with online dating is that a person can have lots of options, and it does sound like he's keeping his open.

AnyFucker · 17/06/2011 18:04

I think this bloke set her up

ignored her messages for hours and then was extremely quick in answering her distressed reply with "you are crazy" or the equivalent

that could be designed to put her on the back foot and doubting herself

but I said at the beginning of the thread she should get shut of him

gawdonbennett · 17/06/2011 18:15

Mind you...she does sound like a bit of a bunny boiler. Wink

dittany · 17/06/2011 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 17/06/2011 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gawdonbennett · 17/06/2011 18:56

Yep Dittany.....I am a tool at times I admit.
Probably qualifies me to comment on the little game he's playing though.

dittany · 17/06/2011 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trestired · 17/06/2011 19:20

(waits to be shot down in flames)

Let him chase you. It's not game playing...it's romance! Get on with some other things, don't let him be your number one focus. Thrill of the chase init?

(ducks)

Trestired · 17/06/2011 19:22

'Wht Men Love Bitches'...sad I know, but it's a good read and will help.

gawdonbennett · 17/06/2011 19:29

Oh believe me Dittany.....I'm sadly more then qualified to spot a bunny boiler slightly neurotic, needy woman when I see one.

Trestired · 17/06/2011 19:50

gawdonbennett is highlighting what we all know. Men can sniff us out if we look a bit too keen. 'Why men love bitches' will help you show, without saying it in so many word why they can fuck off. And then they want to marry you. Tada!

MakeYerOwnDamnDinner · 17/06/2011 19:50

Oh it's frigging annoying when men behave like this. Do yourself a favour and let him go. He'll soon find someone else to mess around and you'll free yourself up to find someone who knows how to treat people decently.

MittzyTheVixen · 17/06/2011 19:52

veryconfusing, you summed it up for me when you said you don't need the headfuck.
If it was part of the usual game, and some of it is a bit of a game, it still wouldn't leave you feeling unsettled and uncertain.

There is a bunting of little red flags here I think so you move on.