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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

trying to reestablsih a relationship with ex while he is still with OW

84 replies

morepositive · 16/06/2011 08:59

I have loitered in the back ground since joining after my husband left for OW a few months ago. I have gained great strength from reading the posts and the fantastic advice form others.
I am on AD which are starting to work .My EH and I had a complex relationship with lots of ups and downs etc.
I was beyond shocked when he left and for the first time in our volatile history I do believe it is over. He has never as far as I know had an affair before.
However I have had a few counseling session and have decided despite what he?s done and the fact he is with OW I am going to quietly fight for my man
I?m sure most of you will think I am mad .But in my sessions we talked about what would I find easier to deal with

  • him out of my life and no contact other than odd text about children , who are old enough to see their dad without intervention fom m

OR
-to maintain a relationship with him of some sorts, which may or may not over time lead to more

I decide being with him makes me happier even now than not being with him.We still laugh together, talk together, he says he loves me but can?t be with me

My therapist believes it is worth a try
We had not bees speaking for a couple of weeks after a series of awful arguments and I was trying to detach.
However when he arrived to pick upDS I went outside to speak to him. He said he hates us rowing, wants us to be friends, better for all of us especially DS
When he comes tonight to pick up DS , he has said he will fix a problem with computer. I feel with no pressure on him, no mentioning of OW who will be insane if she finds out we are reestablishing a relationship, we can bit by bit restore our friendship and see where that leads us.
I?m sure lots of people will think I?m mad but I?m really interested to know if anyone else absolutely though it was over, no going back and has been able to turn it around
And if any one has any GOOD advice
Thanks so much

OP posts:
Saffysmum · 18/06/2011 06:19

Sorry, I got my wires crossed about the GP - I didn't read it slowly enough, and thought that the OW had phoned the GP, and the GP may have entered into dialogue about the patient to the GP - then jumped to the wrong conclusion that the GP had questioned the OP based on the convo....just ignore me, I won't be anymore trouble! Sorry op!

Saffysmum · 18/06/2011 06:20

can't even apologise properly - "GP may have entered into dialogue about the patient to the OW".

(Goes and sits on naughty step, twiddles hair and sulks).

Wisedupwoman · 18/06/2011 07:22

Come back Saff, you've done your time.

Actually I applaud the GP for getting her/his priorities right. Clearly he/she saw right through the game and acted in the OP's best interests. In these situations it's vital to know what you're dealing with, and it'll only reflect badly on the H and his OW in the end. They're a bit thick aren't they?

Aislingorla · 18/06/2011 09:32

Yes I think the GP is doing his job.
OP, I really hope you have other support too, family, friends? Because these two sound nasty! I cannot believe the ow wrote to your GP about you! Where will she stop?

chipmonkey · 18/06/2011 10:00

Don't worry, Saffy!Grin I am relieved, though. I would think that the GP would be duty-bound to tell the OP.

OP, you can do much, much better than this guy.

Original poster
morepositive · 18/06/2011 12:00

Thank you so much for the support everyone. My Gp is wonderful and he had had the letter at our previous consultation but took advice from the trust about disclosing it to me but more importantly would it become part of my medical records which any letters written to a gp do (I?m a nurse)
The letter will be treated as a malicious correspondence and not be part of my record.So I am really very grateful to him for that
I was on the ceiling about her having the nerve to write to my GP but having read some of your comments I can?t believe that she was actually requesting that the GP write back to her and I am beyond furious.
She had said words to the effect of I?m harassing my ex partner ( he doesn?t seem to have a problem with it as on the whole he wants to stay friends, admittedly some of my texts are nasty but then so are his and I?ve texted her x4) since finding out about her
Now I am the first to admit that finding out about OW , relationship ending and some other stuff has taken it?s toll and I most definitely need mental health support at the moment but she doesn?t know that.
The letter was informing him I am mentally ill, harassing my ex and could he comment on any effects on my mental health if she goes to the police to report me for harassment.
Ex partner thought it was a letter to make sure GP knew how down I was and that I was getting support and there?s me thinking she is a nasty piece of work.
Even GP said he can?t see their relationship lasting
I am still so mad so betrayed by EP as she would have had no idea where my Gp was
But detach I will, I want nothing more to do with him, his breakdown which is on it?s way , well she can deal with it

OP posts:
buzzsore · 18/06/2011 12:17

I would not trust that he was telling the truth when he said he thought the OW was writing to express concern about you. He is capable of lying & deceiving you, you know this from the affair. He's trying to keep you sweet while supporting his OW in doing this sort of thing.

I think you need to stop texting and communicating with both of them, apart from absolutely necessary stuff, such as access arrangements/finances, and keep it very civil/emotion-free.

If they're/she's trying to paint you as unfit, you'll play into their hands by verbally abusing them or physically attacking him. Rage to us and your friends & family (and a different counsellor) but keep very calm with them.

Diggs · 18/06/2011 16:04

The Ow sounds a total arsehole , but in a way , this will turn out to be a positive for you . Her stupid actions have unwittingly saved you months and months of heartache and greif .Shes accidently told you whats really going on with your ex and what his silly agenda about being freinds really is .

TotalChaos · 18/06/2011 19:24

agree with buzzsore. I'ld be very careful indeed from now on. A v bad idea to send unpleasant texts or hit your ex, as it could make you look very bad indeed if your split ever results in court hearings.

DontGoCurly · 18/06/2011 19:39

OP, he is thick and rotton but you can't be punching him in the head, what if he presses charges for assault. You'd be in trouble. For your own sake never let it come to that again.

The law is on your side re the OW writing to the GP but you are only giving this pair (ex and OW) ammunition against you by hitting him.

It's messy but you need stability, have you got someone who could come and stay with you and help/support you.....

MrsDmamee · 18/06/2011 22:48

Why do you want him back? if you already know we don't work as a couple.
Do you want him back because he left you?

speaking as someone who left my ex... I didnt want to be with him anymore no matter how many times he begged and pleaded and wished we were back together. I wanted less and less to do with him as I had mentally and emotionally left the relationship long before the actual break up and if your EX-H left you for OW then he had given up on you & him together long before he actually left. So why would he come back?

He has what he wants: OW and hassle free pick ups when he has the kids.

He doesnt really want to be best buds just not argue for the few short minutes he is around you.
Which is exactly what I wanted on the rare occasion my ex collected our DS.

Your therapist really should'nt be giving you false hope as he/she was never in this relationship with you& Ex?
How would s/he then know whats best for YOUR romantic life tbh!!Hmm

Make your own decisions based on what you know.
You have already had a past with this man.
you know who he is and what he is capable of...and why he left you in the 1st place.
Whats changed? Are you a different person now? What would you get out of a relationship with him again other then feeling less hurt?

You dont need him to ease your pain.
You can move on to a better life a different life that doesnt include someone who didn't consider your feeling when he started a life with OW.
He was thinking of himself and maybe you need to wipe him from your thoughts too and think of yourself.

MrsDmamee · 18/06/2011 22:51

crossed posts..stay away i think from him and OW cease texts etc. Cant believe ow wrote to your gp..Stay well away for your own sake.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 18/06/2011 23:54

Look, Morepositive, let go of this man. You are not doing yourself any favours even if he and his new partner are horrible people - by sending aggressive texts, insisting that you can 'get him back' and then beating him up, you are pretty much behaving like a nutter, to the extent where it's possible this man's new partner wrote to the GP because she was genuinely concerned that you might be a danger to yourself, your XP, your DC or indeed her.

expatinscotland · 18/06/2011 23:56

Listen to SpringChicken, please.

This guy is not worth it. No partner in the world is.

Original poster
morepositive · 20/06/2011 16:14

You will never believe this. Called a solictor that i knew from way back as i used to be a paralegal.Told him the story and he said it will turn into table tennis if i involve solictior and drag on, best thing is to ignore them both,His wife left 2 years ago so guess what he asked me on a date !!!!
and i said yes omg what have i done!!!
He's quite good looking a v v rich

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 20/06/2011 16:40

Take it slow morepositive. take it slow.

he's right about ignoring them though!

Aislingorla · 20/06/2011 16:42

Go out with him 'as a friend', make that clear. It will give your self esteem a boost.

HerHissyness · 20/06/2011 16:43

good advice Aisling!

Anniegetyourgun · 20/06/2011 18:38

Erm, this solicitor is not being very professional, is he?

AnyFucker · 20/06/2011 18:40

eh ? the solicitor is sniffing around ?

what a skank !

Xales · 20/06/2011 18:48

Four days you were going to quietly fight for my man.

Now you are lining up dates with a solicitor!

Why can you not just take some time to be alone, heal and be happy with yourself?

buzzsore · 20/06/2011 18:53

Take it as a flattering offer and ego boost, I think, and nothing more. Only a day or two ago you were beating your ex around the head - with the best will in the world, I don't think you're quite ready for dating.

Or do you want to go to prove to your ex that you can pull? I doubt you'll get the reaction you're hoping for if that's what is in your mind.

chipmonkey · 20/06/2011 21:33

morepositive please be careful. That solicitor sounds incredibly unprofessional and possibly the sort who preys on vulnerable women. Also be wary of thinking that you have to have a man in your life. Why not take some time out from relationships to build up your own self-esteem and see how it feels to be strong and single?

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 20/06/2011 23:03

What chipmonkey said, particularly about taking some time off dating and men. Though if you consulted the solicitor as an old mate rather than professionally, I don't think he was overstepping the mark to ask you out, and his advice (to ignore your XP) was far better than the advice your therapist gave you. But that doesn't mean you owe him a date, or sex or anything like that.

Wisedupwoman · 22/06/2011 13:18

Your last post worries me too, MP. Merely changing your table-tennis texting behaviour with bringing in a new man (to even up the score, sounds like) will only be more of the same, and it won't make a jot of difference to your EX.

Tit-for-tat behaviours never work, they only accelarate the bad stuff out of control. It's too soon MP for another bloke in your life, good god woman, it's all going to end in (even more) tears!