trying to reestablsih a relationship with ex while he is still with OW

[morepositive]

I have loitered in the back ground since joining after my husband left for OW a few months ago. I have gained great strength from reading the posts and the fantastic advice form others.
I am on AD which are starting to work .My EH and I had a complex relationship with lots of ups and downs etc.
I was beyond shocked when he left and for the first time in our volatile history I do believe it is over. He has never as far as I know had an affair before.
However I have had a few counseling session and have decided despite what he?s done and the fact he is with OW I am going to quietly fight for my man
I?m sure most of you will think I am mad .But in my sessions we talked about what would I find easier to deal with

• him out of my life and no contact other than odd text about children , who are old enough to see their dad without intervention fom m

OR
-to maintain a relationship with him of some sorts, which may or may not over time lead to more

I decide being with him makes me happier even now than not being with him.We still laugh together, talk together, he says he loves me but can?t be with me

My therapist believes it is worth a try
We had not bees speaking for a couple of weeks after a series of awful arguments and I was trying to detach.
However when he arrived to pick upDS I went outside to speak to him. He said he hates us rowing, wants us to be friends, better for all of us especially DS
When he comes tonight to pick up DS , he has said he will fix a problem with computer. I feel with no pressure on him, no mentioning of OW who will be insane if she finds out we are reestablishing a relationship, we can bit by bit restore our friendship and see where that leads us.
I?m sure lots of people will think I?m mad but I?m really interested to know if anyone else absolutely though it was over, no going back and has been able to turn it around
And if any one has any GOOD advice
Thanks so much

So - you want to be with a man who cares so little about you that he screwed around behind your back and took off with the other woman and is playing happy families with her now?

Really? You want to fight for a man who treated you with such contempt?

Why?

Don't you want someone who loves you and respects you and would never treat you like dirt?

Do you want him or do you want to 'win' - beat the OW by 'stealing him back'

I put '' because, of course, you cannot steal a person. And neither did she. He chose to fuck her and fuck off with her.

I wish that you would want more than to be with someone who would treat you so shabbily.

I know of quite a few ex-wives who've slept with their H's even though they're with the OW. Part of it is a power thing, they like knowing they could have him if they wanted, partly is a revenge thing on the OW, plus also there is physical comfort of, for a brief time, rediscovering that intimacy that has been lost & for some just of course missing sex.

However, in every case, the H didn't come back. Sex was on offer, they took it, bit like slipping on a comfy pair of old slippers.

And then either the exW ended up feeling hurt and used or they realised they didn't want this man anymore who betrayed them, he wasn't the man who they had been married to.

And let me ask you a question, if you do manage to get him back, what are you going to do with him once you've got him? I think you won't want him. He's not to be trusted. You won't respect such a weak man. And that, more than the act of being unfaithful, is going to erode your relationship. Lack of trust and respect is the killer.

It's not even guaranteed that the man will have sex with the OP at all. Reading her posts, he doesn't sound like that much of a villain, more someone who has been trying to leave a relationship that isn't working, but also trying not to cause more pain than necessary.
It's actually very hard to leave someone who is determined to hang on to you, without messing up some aspects of it. The more the person clings and refuses to listen to the fact that they are being dumped, the harsher you sometimes have to be.

Admittedly, was assuming that sex was going to be a tactic! Sorry OP.

He's binned you.
Move on.
Sack the therapist

I was about to say the same as revolution...it does seem like people are being harsh, but sometimes that is what it takes to get a wake up call. I suggest you read the no contact/texting/email thread....different situations but basically the same thing. It's about women learning to love themselves and realise that chasing a tosser is just a waste of your time. But also about how hard it is to cut free.

It's going to take time, but you will be free from this heartache one day...promise.

well you have all been proved right and i am an idiot
i am seeing my GP and counsellor for regular mental health support, since he left ( it really has hit me hard) have v good relationship with GP, he informd me he had recieved a letter from OW sayin i had severe mental health problems and could he get back to her and tell her what thay were.
when twat came to mend omputer we had the nastiest row ever and can you believe this
she is really nice and worried about you and just wants to help yu how stupid is he
it became ver unpleassent and even while he was cyin and screaming that i am ruining his life he kept saying i want us to be friends i can't not have you in my life
how dare that german bitch write to my GP i feel i could go round and beyond throttle the bitch
i gave him a good few punches in the head though

(((((((HUGS))))))))

OK, take a breath. it's OK, to be expected at times. proves that YOU were not the wrong person here. You are most definitely NOT an idiot.

Ask yourself this: How would she know that you have 'sever mental health problems'? Where has she got this impression? Let me help you on this one - from HIM. HE has misled her, given the impression, filtered information to give her the impression.

Her going to your GP is actually laughable - or will be once you have recovered from the shock. Your GP will no more write to her than he would to Santa Claus. What she has done is a gross intrusion in your life and for him to even go any way to condone it shows what an idiot HE is. Where are his bollocks? why can he not say, "leave it, don't do that, morepositive has been through enough, of course she is upset, struggling mentally, I left her FGS"

Now at least you know where the land lies. You also know his weakness, in that he wants you to stay pally with him to help ease his guilt. Tell him that you are not ruining his life, he's doing that all by himself, but funny enough, you know that your own life will get better, eventually (cos it bloody well will!) Say that you don't have anyone in your life that you would consider a friend and allow them to betray you as he has.

Tell him that if he wanted to be friends. fucking someone else wasn't ever going to be a good way of achieving it. You want to dish some pain back? cutting him dead out of your life will be a good start. You'll enjoy getting your own back for a while and it'll give you the space you need to see how capable you are and how much better your life will be.

Tell him to stay the hell away from you, that you need him to be as far away as possible from you until you decide otherwise.

Take back the power, get rid of this circus in your life and concentrate on you and yours. nothing else matters.

What HerHissyness said - spot on.

Op many men come to their senses and go snivelling back to their wives , but they usually do this because theyve experienced the harsh reality of what a divorce actually means . If you are sheliding him from the reality of a divorce he will not fear it . If he can still see you and spend time with you he will not miss you one bit and doesnt have to fear not seeing you anymore . He therefore has the ow to shag , you to spend time with , and there are no consequences or no reasons not to continue as he is .

If you are insistant on trying to win him back i would suggest you distance yourself from him . Communicate only about your dcs , do not spend time with him , become business like . I would also spoil yourself a bit , start going out and make sure he knows it . I know its the opposite of what you want , but i would start divorce proceedings based on his adultry ( that you can cancel at any time ) and i would get real about maintenance and property and everything else that goes with a divorce .

I think this is your only hope of getting him to wake up to what he stands to lose long term .

Personally I would contact the police about this. It is verging on stalkerish and I sure must be illegal for someone to try to gain access to someones medical records. What a fucking pair of twats!

Can't not have you in his life? Is that right? Well its not really up to him now is it? Seriously these two have caused your "mental health issues" and will continue to aggravate them if you allow them to be involved with you. You have to establish some iron clad boundaries now.

Sorry - but there is no way a GP should tell you that he has been contacted by OW. He's not allowed to. Very surprised to hear this.

Saffy, i know what you mean, but actually, better that OP knows what she is dealing with.

GP didn't comply with the letter, and OP knows now to what lengths her XH and the OW will go.

There needs to be some serious pruning back of your life OP, cut this pair out for a start.

Now, someone said once about the errant H and the OW is that their relationship was created in secret, had theatre etc, so now that they are an item, the drama, secrecy etc have gone, they are still craving that buzz though.

OP, while you allow these people to run rough shod over your feelings, you are allowing him to gain support from both you and the OW.

Cut him off and isolate his supply, force him to get all the support at once from his OW. If anything will jolt him into his senses, being given a swift hard kick into reality, losing the unstinting support you have given him all this time will be a real eye-opener. If he doesn't realise what he's lost, then tbh, he's not worth keeping on anyway. I know it may not look like it, but you could perhaps one day see this as a win-win situation.

I didn't know that a doctor couldn't tell a patient that someone else had asked for their medical information? Why not?

The ONLY person who needs to know IS the patient tbh.

I think it put the GP in a difficult position. He did the right thing telling the OP , his 'duty of care' is to his patient.

No man is worth this

No man in the world

Now you know what everyone else sees, OP. This guy is a major loser. You are well shot of him.

Call me paranoid, but I find OW trying to get written information on OP's mental health from her GP very worrying.

If obtained, such written documentation of her mental health problems could prove very valuable in a custody battle, for example.

I would tell them nothing from now on.

'Personally I would contact the police about this. It is verging on stalkerish and I sure must be illegal for someone to try to gain access to someones medical records. What a fucking pair of twats!'

I would, too.

I thought that too CoteDAzur , i hope that isnt the case .

Op i think you are on dodgy ground trying to be freinds with him . He isnt your freind and many men will play the freindly husband while they empty your bank account and screw you over . Please dont let him near your computer .

I think you need to see a soliciter asap to protect yourself financially and to agree contact with your dcs . The fact she feels entitled to contact your gp is very very worrying and your husband has obviously supported her in this . Please dont buy this shit about her wanting to help , why would she, and why would you accept it anyway ?

Shes crossed quite a line in doing this , neither him or her are interested in being your freind , they are interested in getting information about you . Your husband has sadly betrayed your trust by discussing your health with her and has supported this violation . He has now become , quite literally , the enemy

I would tell the sol what the OW has tried to do too.

What a despicable pair they are.

Well, yes, this is dodgy, and it is certainly illegal for a GP to give out information about a patient to someone who is not a relative (unless a court order is involved eg someone who is claiming sickness benefit for a bad back while taking part in cage fighting contests or whatever).
But physically attacking your XP wasn't a good move. You clearly do have MH issues as you say you are under the care of the local MH team - not that this is anything to be ashamed of, of course. What did your GP advise you to do when he told you about this woman's letter?

She wrote to your GP asking for information about you? And thought she would get it? She sounds unhinged!
Why isn't the GP supposed to tell OP, Saffy? the OW is not his patient so it doesn't breach patient confidentiality does it?[confused}