I need to get this off my chest.

[InNeedOfAChat]

I am a regular who has name changed.

I will call my partner S.

I have been with S for almost 6yrs. We have 2 children, 1 is mine from a previous relationship and 1 is ours together. S is great with DS1 but not so great with DS2. He is still a toddler and very much a mummys boy, So really S could be good with him when DS2 stops being so.

At the end of January this year S and I had a big row it started over me asking a question and him replying in such a way that I was devastated. I don't want to repeat what he said but lets say it hurt me deeply and has in my eyes all but killed us. I have continued plodding along beside him in the home making all ok for the childrens sake. We have no relationship.

Last night we had sex for the first time in 5m and afterwards I felt awful to the point I got up - it was nothing he had done he was his usual attentative (sp) self, it was just me.

Saturday last week I was going to a club with my friend and he didn't want me to go to this particular club, we had a bit of a row and he said "I hope you get raped tonight", as he said it he immediatly apologised because he realised what he had said and that he had touched a subject below the belt for me as I was once raped.

We are not arguing all the time as we hardly have anything to say to eachother. We have become so distant from one another.

HOWEVER and this is where I have the problem not him.

At the end of 2010 I met someone, I will call him A, while out, just a friend and we shared many laughs, we ended up sharing a kiss just a week before I had the row with S. S did not and still doesn't know about this as it was a mistake at the time and we both regretted it immensly.

However here we are 6m on. A and I see eachother every week and we have fallen for eachother, He is a lot older than me and has children. He has been single for 6yrs. We have been talking a lot about things and he has urged me to work on the relationship in the past. Last week we sat at the bottom of where I live talking into the small hours about all sorts of things.

I am going away this month with a female friend for a couple of nights, he and I would both like for him to join us. But he said "I would love to wake up with you but it would not be fair to either of us as I would have to go back to work and we wouldn't see eachother the next night, which we would both want" - So he is being sensible about things.

There has been a big problem within his sons lives which has meant he is now staying with them and will have to continue to do so.

We spoke today on the phone for 45 minutes and he is coming back to the area this weekend when we see eachother so that he can see me as in his words he misses me.

When I got off the phone from him I sat and cried because I realised just how much he means to me. Bear in mind we have shared a few kisses but thats it, nothing more. But we just rub along together so well, we are so similar in so many ways. except the obvious he is male and I am female.

I know you are all going to tell me to work on what I have but with what has been said I am finding it very hard. I don't know if A and I have a future or whether it is the excitement of the flirting, and the few kisses but I know in my heart of hearts I do love him in a way a woman in a relationship should not love another man.

So now I am meeting him this week, nothing will change that. S knows I am going to where A is working and that A will bring me home as usual - which is the truth, he never asks anything else and I never tell him anything else.

Do I front it and tell A how I feel or do I ignore it and just enjoy our nights out, which are not always just the 2 of us there are 8 friends we all go out with within a group.

Because at my age I know the difference between a crush and love.

No I am listening, I didn't play it because I have heard it a million times before lol.

S, won't accept anything is wrong his "fixing it" is a holiday, new things for the home etc.

A has gone back to look after his sons as their mum died.

Is your real question whether you can trust A?

You know, we can't answer that. the only sure thing is to be in a place psychologically (and ideally, economically, too) where you can survive it if it does go pear-shaped.

Here's a thing to think about: suppose you have an affair with A. Suppose the pressure of it being an affair causes it to end - or maybe he turns out to be awful - or anything really - it just ends. And you're still with S.

What then?

I am going to go to bed and think things through as I know I won't sleep. I will be back tomorrow.

Animula. these are the reasons I have said nothing.

you would be foolish i think to go from one failed relationship straight into another.

you need to stand on your own two feet. maintain your friendship with A by all means and see how things pan out but you have finish things with your current partner S. what is stopping you? this relationship clearly has run its course, there is no knight in shining armour going to come to the rescue, the decisions rest with you im afraid.
you seem to have a warped sense of what not hurting someone is - so dragging out a lingering loveless abusive relationship is ok because you think the children wont notice?
while carrying on an affair behind the scenes is ok and not going to hurt anyone?
you are being very deluded.

Vicar, I have said I would forget A for the childrens sake and happiness. My children are my priority. My feelings - well I have hidden them so far and just got on with it.

I am going to have my weekend away and clear my head, think things through etc. There is nothing else I can do.

I am also going to talk to S about things. See what his view is.

Good night.

for what it's worth I think a loveless marriage kills the soul, inch by inch. Just i.m.o.

But I hope tomorrow is a good one for you.

so you go away with your other man and then decide?

i am losing sympathy with you. im sorry but you are using your children to justify an affair.

i am all for you leaving your current partner and starting a new life, with your other man, but to keep seeing other man, have weekends away with other man, all behind your current partners back, is wrong.

of course you will come back and have your future decided. because you have been discussing it with people with an agenda - not impartial.

you are being very very blinkered. you will forget A for the childrens sake? call off your weekend then and stop seeing him until you have finsihed with your current partner. somehow i dont think you will.

yes your current partner has treated you terribly. but you cannot possibly justfy an affair, or say you are not hurting your children by staying in a loveless relationship, while seeing someone else.

i suspect you posted to win sympathy for an affair. and most people will say go for it, you deserve it etc.
i think if you have any respect for yourself, your children, your once loved partner and your other man you will do this the right way.

goodnight.

Vicar, no I go away with my female friend away from them both.

As I already said Vicar

InNeedOfAChatThu 16-Jun-11 00:14:03

Maybe this break away will do me good to get a few nights away from both and the DC to clear it all up.

hang on....whats this then?

"I am going away this month with a female friend for a couple of nights, he and I would both like for him to join us. But he said "I would love to wake up with you but it would not be fair to either of us as I would have to go back to work and we wouldn't see eachother the next night, which we would both want" - So he is being sensible about things. So now I am meeting him this week, nothing will change that. S knows I am going to where A is working and that A will bring me home as usual - which is the truth, he never asks anything else and I never tell him anything else. "

sorry but take the rose tinted specs off, and that halo. i am not blaming you. i am really not, but you sound young and silly and in the first flush of being in love and not acting too rationally with it, ive no idea about your life other than what you posted, but i do know that what you are doing is wrong. you are doing all this arse about tit.
why are you seeing your OM without finishing a relationship which from your description is dead in the water?
what are you waiting for?

good luck op i am bowing out, you have made up your mind about what you are doiing and i think you are looking for validation. im sure you will get it in spades, i am being a fly in the ointment. hope it works out for you and your children.

Vicar, that was in the OP and in my later post you I said I would be going with my female friend and getting my head sorted.

Leave S. He sounds like a weak, lying character who clearly has no respect for you... and the rape comment? Good God. That tells you all you want to know.

Forget the situation with A at the moment. All it's doing, right now, is distracting you into mooning around over song lyrics and teenagery soppy chat about waking up together - YOU DON'T NEED THIS RIGHT NOW! WAKE UP!! You have REAL LIFE things to sort out. Can't you see - what the A situation is doing right now is distracting you so that you carry on plodding on with a soppy smile to yourself, while all around you is crumbling. For your childrens' sake, you need to wake up, and start making big decisions. I would say the first of these needs to be to end this rubbish relationship. Believe me, the children will be happier in the long term, because all there is here is lies and resentment. And it doesn't sound like your fault, either.

Once you have sorted out the REAL parts of your life, then think about A. It sounds as if he also has a lot on his plate at the moment. Be his friend - he does not need a rebound relationship any more than you do. His children need his emotional attention right now FAR more than you do. Maybe it will develop, maybe not. I hope it goes well. But really, sort out the realities FIRST.

OP, you said earlier "he was not nasty until this last 7m or so" - I beg to differ. He was being utterly deceitful and leading you up the garden path. How long ago did you get 'engaged'? You have been together for 6 years and if there hadn't been a good time to mention he was married, any decent person would at the very least have come clean at that point.

There is no future in that relationship, I am as certain of that as I can be from reading someone's online posts. However you seem to be clinging on and looking to A to give you an 'out'. This is very unfair and unrealistic given what he and his family are going through (I have made a guess as to what I think it could be).

IMO neither you or A have the headspace to start a new relationship right now, but either way

Oh actually, I don't know why I am posting TBH.

What do you actually want to do? What do you want other posters to say to you? How do you want things to turn out?

If you think your children are not being affected by the atmosphere at home with S, then think again. Children absorb everything. They are like little sponges. They don't see the detains clearly, but they feel it all.

You seem to be seeking some sort of permission from somewhere the children? A? the Universe? S? to move on and do what is best for you. All you need is the OK in your own head. You don't need to consult with S to see how he feels. You don't need to wait for a sign from A. You don't need to wait until one of the children comes up to you and tells you he is miserable.

S has let you down very badly and has hurt you horribly with the rape comment. You had sex with him after a long hiatus and felt that you had betrayed yourself. Listen to your instincts. Listen again to what he has already said about how he feels. The relationship with S is over. You don't need anyone's permission to announce that fact and make plans to move one without S.

I can't believe you think your feelings for another man are more serious than your partner hoping you get raped.

You need to put the new relationship totally on hold. Kisses and emotional 'support' and being in 'lurve' and sending soppy song lyrics - that's an affair.

And fine, you think you love him and he loves you...so it will wait. It will wait until he has got over the shock of his (ex?)wife's death and has put his time and energy into helping his sons cope instead of snogging a woman in a relationship.

It should also wait until after you have sorted out your current relationship one way or another. Putting your kids first certainly doesn't mean staying in a loveless relationship with someone who sounds like a creep, but it does mean that you act responsibly to deal with those feelings, including making the break-up as smooth and dignified and conflict-free as possible. Your children will need you as they come to terms with not living with their Dad anymore and you will need to sort out housing, money, contact.

It could also wait while you work out why you have got into two abusive relationships with men who don't actually love you and stayed much longer than is healthy for you or the children. (Not that you shouldn't be proud of yourself for getting out of the first relationship)

You may have met the man of your dreams, but having an affair (albeit currently non-sexual) is a shitty thing to do to everyone.

Reality please do come and shake me! my head is all over the place.

I am putting my sons first. They love their dad and maybe part of me is worried about DS2 growing up without his father like ds1 has, and DS1 losing another dad.

Maybe part of me is also hoping that S will sort his ass out and make it all right again, or rather I was until last week when he made that comment.

forgot to name change ffs

it doesnt matter really does it? if your concerned get hq to pull it so your ID is still protected, though i cant see it really matters. people are being supportive, and giving honest advice, nothing more.

Vicar, no it doens't really matter.

I am going away in a fortnight with my friend she and I are booking a spa for a weekend. Hopefully it will give me time to clear my head. I won't be going out tonight to my usual place as it is my other friends birthday party and I have been invited there.

For whoever asked I knew he was married when we got together, we both were. My divorce came through shortly after we got together and he told me he was dealing with his - I believed him. He asked me to marry him about a yr ago and I went all out to get things arranged - with him helping. I then found he had not dealt with his divorce and asked him why considering the church was booked etc and he replied "I don't love you enough to marry you"

That was the start of our relationship falling apart.

In answer to why I have gone from one abusive relationship to another. I didn't jump into this relationship I had been on my own for the best part of 5 yrs when we met. I knew him before we got together.

I decided last night I won't say anything to A as considering the circumstances atm it would be unfair to him and I. In reality it wouldn't work as he has got to move away from where we are as he is now going to be raising his sons.

I am going to keep as much distance between us as possible and see what happens in the future.

I have also given S an opportunity for us to go to counselling and see if we can save our relationship. I don't really in my heart of hearts want to throw away what we HAD. If there is any chance of saving it then I have to take it and grab it with both hands.

The problem with me is I get hurt and can't let go of it.

I need to go out now as I have an appointment at DS1's school and need to get ready.

Thanks for virtually shaking me.

I've p.m.'d you. And then I realised that your p.m didn't arrive the other night, so ... just saying.