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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to get this off my chest.

82 replies

InNeedOfAChat · 15/06/2011 23:14

I am a regular who has name changed.

I will call my partner S.

I have been with S for almost 6yrs. We have 2 children, 1 is mine from a previous relationship and 1 is ours together. S is great with DS1 but not so great with DS2. He is still a toddler and very much a mummys boy, So really S could be good with him when DS2 stops being so.

At the end of January this year S and I had a big row it started over me asking a question and him replying in such a way that I was devastated. I don't want to repeat what he said but lets say it hurt me deeply and has in my eyes all but killed us. I have continued plodding along beside him in the home making all ok for the childrens sake. We have no relationship.

Last night we had sex for the first time in 5m and afterwards I felt awful to the point I got up - it was nothing he had done he was his usual attentative (sp) self, it was just me.

Saturday last week I was going to a club with my friend and he didn't want me to go to this particular club, we had a bit of a row and he said "I hope you get raped tonight", as he said it he immediatly apologised because he realised what he had said and that he had touched a subject below the belt for me as I was once raped.

We are not arguing all the time as we hardly have anything to say to eachother. We have become so distant from one another.

HOWEVER and this is where I have the problem not him.

At the end of 2010 I met someone, I will call him A, while out, just a friend and we shared many laughs, we ended up sharing a kiss just a week before I had the row with S. S did not and still doesn't know about this as it was a mistake at the time and we both regretted it immensly.

However here we are 6m on. A and I see eachother every week and we have fallen for eachother, He is a lot older than me and has children. He has been single for 6yrs. We have been talking a lot about things and he has urged me to work on the relationship in the past. Last week we sat at the bottom of where I live talking into the small hours about all sorts of things.

I am going away this month with a female friend for a couple of nights, he and I would both like for him to join us. But he said "I would love to wake up with you but it would not be fair to either of us as I would have to go back to work and we wouldn't see eachother the next night, which we would both want" - So he is being sensible about things.

There has been a big problem within his sons lives which has meant he is now staying with them and will have to continue to do so.

We spoke today on the phone for 45 minutes and he is coming back to the area this weekend when we see eachother so that he can see me as in his words he misses me.

When I got off the phone from him I sat and cried because I realised just how much he means to me. Bear in mind we have shared a few kisses but thats it, nothing more. But we just rub along together so well, we are so similar in so many ways. except the obvious he is male and I am female.

I know you are all going to tell me to work on what I have but with what has been said I am finding it very hard. I don't know if A and I have a future or whether it is the excitement of the flirting, and the few kisses but I know in my heart of hearts I do love him in a way a woman in a relationship should not love another man.

So now I am meeting him this week, nothing will change that. S knows I am going to where A is working and that A will bring me home as usual - which is the truth, he never asks anything else and I never tell him anything else.

Do I front it and tell A how I feel or do I ignore it and just enjoy our nights out, which are not always just the 2 of us there are 8 friends we all go out with within a group.

Because at my age I know the difference between a crush and love.

OP posts:
sungirltan · 16/06/2011 00:00

a sounds like a valid escape from s. get the hell rid of a - what is the point when he makes you feel so awful? only time can tell if there is a future with a but put yourself first and get shot of a.

Original poster
InNeedOfAChat · 16/06/2011 00:00

Vicar, I would agree IF i had given him any reason to be threatened. He has lied to me many times over our relationship and only since the end of January have I become distant. Because he shattered all my dreams in one go. I will have to tell all.

We were meant to be getting married on JUNE 4TH 2011, he told me in Jan he was still married and didn't love me enough to marry me although he asked me and by then I had everything bought and the church booked.

OP posts:
Xales · 16/06/2011 00:01

No thank you. I do not need to know the reason. You just said he moved in and so I made an assumption based on that.

I still think you need to stay away from A and sort your current relationship one way or another first after all you were in love with S once too.

You may just have feelings fot A because of the mess with S. Sort that and yourself before jumping into another relationship for yourself and both sets of children.

Original poster
InNeedOfAChat · 16/06/2011 00:04

Xales I already sent yu the reason he had to go back and if you read my last post you may understand a bit more.

OP posts:
FriggFRIGG · 16/06/2011 00:04

utter,utter bastard.
im so sorry.ive been in a similar position,although,not nearly as bad really.

((hug))

you need to get away from him.

animula · 16/06/2011 00:06

Inneedofachat - I still don't have the pm but ... that is so incredibly awful. Are there any excuses for that? (Genuine question)

I have to ask you this - isn't your bigger question, surely, about what you are going to do about your relationship with S?

FriggFRIGG · 16/06/2011 00:06

but NOT into the arms of another man.not any man.including A.

Original poster
InNeedOfAChat · 16/06/2011 00:08

Animula, in my eyes it is over. I cannot see any way forward tbh. I wish for the sake of the dc there was. Which is why we are still in the same home and keeping it all smiles for them.

OP posts:
animula · 16/06/2011 00:08

I'm a bit worried my PM function isn;t working ... is it just that it's slow at night? Or is it just me?

You know, that revelation about still being married, when he must have noticed you were planning the marriage and the rape comment - this is not adding up to a very kind man.

ThatVikRinA22 · 16/06/2011 00:08

oh my god.

why are you still there? but - dont see A as your get out....do this properly. No bloody wonder you are distant. distant??!!! ha!

sorry but this is a no brainer.
and that was a serious question - what is keeping you there? why are you still with S? what is stopping you from calling time on this relationship?

finish it and then see how you feel about A.

Xales · 16/06/2011 00:11

Sorry typing on phone so slooow.

S sounds like a nasty wanker who you would be well shot of. That is your decision. You need to sort yourself to find out why you went from a violent relationship to a nasty twat who pulls a stunt like letting you happily arrange a marriage he has no intention of going through with. So get yourself some counseling and be happy with yourself.

If A is the man for you he will still be there in a few months. If he is just an escape time may save you jumping into another relationship.

Original poster
InNeedOfAChat · 16/06/2011 00:14

because the children love him and although I am distant i do love him - dont ask me why but I do I am not in love with him and for the last 6m have looked for a solution. He just brushes it under the carpet. And we just get on with our lives. Him and I doing our own thing. But putting on a face for my children, who believe everything is ok and that we just changed our minds about getting married.

The problem is the love I have for A is stronger than any I have ever felt for S. Maybe this break away will do me good to get a few nights away from both and the DC to clear it all up.

OP posts:
animula · 16/06/2011 00:14

OK - I'm not a counsellor, so I can throw a tuppence or two.

You are clearly a capable, together woman. You left an abusive relationship and managed with you and your child for 5 years.

On the other hand, an abusive relationship is a traumatic thing.

What worries me in this is that you're not saying what you want. You talk about wanting to stay for the children, and not telling this A because of his feelings ....

I guess I'm worried (probably like most of the other posters) that a. you are attracted to A because he seems vulnerable to you, maybe mirrors a need of care you feel in need of yourself. b. you're using this relationship with A - however unintentionally - as a kind of heroin, to blunt feelings of despair, loss and lack of love. But, like heroin, it's actually keeping you in your present situation and not helping you act.

I can't believe your relationship with S is giving you a lot of love.

Original poster
InNeedOfAChat · 16/06/2011 00:15

Xales, he was not nasty until this last 7m or so. he changed, he blames his job and being tired all the time. I just think it has run its course.

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 16/06/2011 00:18

if its run its course then sort it. dont let it linger on. dont hurt people more than you need to.

how ever you dress it up - you are about to embark on an affair. yes your husband may well be the worlds biggest bastard going - but you are about to have an affair. stop. take a step back and sort this properly.

you are not saving your children any grief in having an affair you know. you know that dont you?

animula · 16/06/2011 00:18

A parent's self-sacrifice for their children is (often) a beautiful thing but I am really worried that you don't value yourself and your right to love and happiness (or even believe that life offers those things to you) enough to really have a drive for them.

ThatVikRinA22 · 16/06/2011 00:19

sorry - mistake there. i realise he is not your husband....sorry.

Original poster
InNeedOfAChat · 16/06/2011 00:19

Animula, when I met A, he was a strong jovial person and we hit it off straight away. I have had feelings for him for a couple of months now, the problems he is having have only started in the last week. So he was never vunerable to me.

I am not using it as an emotional crutch as I have fought against it being more previously but last week he told me how he felt and it got me to thinking whether I should tell him how I feel, which I could have done easily at the time BUT I didn't.

What do I want? well I want A, I have wanted him for a while now. First I wanted him sexually now I want more than that.

I want my children to be happy therefore I will sacrifice A if I have to as much as it will break me.

OP posts:
Original poster
InNeedOfAChat · 16/06/2011 00:22

i didn't tell him because having been hurt by ex and by S so badly I am afraid of being hurt again.

In an ideal world I would not feel like this, I would not love him but i do.

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 16/06/2011 00:22

your children will not be happy with a miserable mother and father.

If you can sort this, with time, they could be happy, and so could both of you.

stop being a martyr. sorry if thats harsh but i think you need some blunt speaking.

an affair is not going to make you, your partner, your other man or you children happy you daft bint.

ThatVikRinA22 · 16/06/2011 00:23

*daft bint said with affection obviously. sort of. but i mean it.

Original poster
InNeedOfAChat · 16/06/2011 00:28

FFS it doesnt help when songs like this are sent to me does it!!!!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 16/06/2011 00:30

The thing with A may be a grass is greener thing. Either way, you don't need to know for sure before finishing with S. You need to finish it off with S.

Your DCs will survive the loss of S, and may actually thrive without him. You may not realise how much life with all the strain and stress has got you down and sapped your energy, but you might be surprised at how much more you have to give them once free from S. Of course they will seem to be attached to someone who has done something that is water off a duck's back to him while it has devastated you by comparison. Get away from him and get strong. Your children will eventually appreciate what you have done.

A lie of that magnitude, with the truth spat out at you, is a huge lie. To set up house with you without benefit of a divorce beforehand, bespeaks a complete lack of respect for you and for your children and lack of concern about your security or theirs.

ThatVikRinA22 · 16/06/2011 00:33

no. it doesnt help at all. i take it from your OM?

are you listening, or are you just caught up in the romanticism of having sappy song lyrics sent to you?

animula · 16/06/2011 00:34

Still no PM. Sad

OK. I think A knows how you feel. I really do. And that his question, and your answer, is really about an affair-physical.

If I were your RL friend I would be worried because

-- it would start without A having had to make a commitment of firm emotional involvement

-- he's (another) unavailable man (even if that is only temporary. And the "affairness" kind of makes him unavailable. And you, too, for that matter.)

-- it keeps you (at least for now) in a really not lovely situation with S.

I'm guessing you discussed the wedding awfulness on your other thread, but that is a major act of untrustworthiness, and incredibly damaging - to your belief that you can "know" people (and reality generally), to your self-esteem, and to you relationship. It just seems a really big thing.

If you are, technically, still together, and you are still (here on this thread) talking about staying together for the children, what things have you put in place to heal the relationship after that? Or are you (both) ignoring it (with you, i guess, disengaging)?