My marriage is in a crisis.

[kyria]

Hi everybody, Ive been married for nearly 20 years and for the last couple of years it has been slowly going down hill..My husband will not come to bed with me anymore and always sleeps down stairs. I really dont know what I have done wrong. I believe ive been a good wife to him. I havent really changed and still have my figure..I asked him the other day if he loves me and he wouldnt say if he does..he is still a good husband at times (when he is in the mood) He also doesnt talk to our oldest son who is nearly 20 he finds him lazy and it irritates him, both of them havent spoken for nearly 2 years properly and it really breaks my heart as my son is a quiet boy yes he is lazy but alot of teenagers are.. My son is going to uni soon and his father will not help him financially either. My husband has changed alot since he started up his own business I know he is under alot of strain but why has he gone so cold towards me..I wont leave him as ive got 2 younger children and no where to go I really dont want to leave my husband or my home and he seems quite happy to carry on the way we are..Do you think it would be really wrong off me to start seeing other men..If ever I do get asked out on a date again?. I feel so lost and unhappy I just want my husband to love me again.. Thanks guys for any replies or any ideas as to what is happening with him. Kyria.

I didn't want to leave this unanswered. My suspicion is that the stress of his own business is affecting him badly. Can you tell him how you feel? Perhaps he's worried about not feeling any desire for you (because of stress) so he wants to avoid being in bed with you. That is, he's avoiding the problem.
You must talk to him when your son is out.

As for the second question, yes it would be wrong for you to see other men at least until you have talked to your husband and probebly gone to counselling.
I will write more later, but I'm supposed to be working now.

Taghain,
Thankyou so much for your help. I think that what you say is a possibility. But what I cant understand is why he is unloving towards me, for example when he is sitting watching TV (which is a very rare occurence) if I sit next to him and put my arms round his tummy he sits there like stone wont even touch me..Ive asked him so many times what is wrong with him and he just wont answer me..I asked him in a drunken rage on Saturday night I begged him to tell me if he still loves me but he just sat staring at me....and after a few minutes he said..oh ok I love you...it was so cold and unfeeling..Yes I believe he is under alot of stress as you say but why treat me so badly. I have nobody in this world apart from him and my children...I really cant believe how strong ive been over this I just think im actually worn out over it all Ive had alot of troubles and upset over the last ten years (not with my marriage but other things loosing my mum etc.,) and it just seems to be never ending for me at the moment...Thankyou again Taghain for your reply...Kyria.

Sorry to say this but shouldn't your son, at nearly 20, be coming out of the lazy phasse? If your husband is under stress then no wonder if winds him up.
When your DH first started sleeping in another room to you what reason did he give?
Have you soberly asked him whether he loves you or not and talked to him ahout how you are feeling?

your son can't be that lazy if he has managed to get a place at university! he must have been working at his A levels and have reasonable predicted grades.

Him not talking to your son is childish IMO, and he is supposed to be the adult in that relationship.

You say he is a good husband when he is in the mood!

I don't think you should see other men, but I do think you need to start thinking about your future, have some plans in place for life without him, get information, be informed and suggest you go to Relate - you clearly can't go on like this so you need to fix it or move on with your life. Good luck!

Hi guys thanks for the replies..
My son is 20 in July yes he has been studying for his A levels but its taken him a long time to get to this point, he was extremely lazy in school and has for the past year been doing a private home course for his A levels but this is still not good enough for my husband as he is a very academic man and a workaholic. The best thing will be for my son to leave home and go to uni I think than maybe it will give my husband some joy to see him leave home. I have actually asked him if he loves me I dont usually get drunk as im on tablets for my health. I asked him months ago but he will say I love you than turn away which for me and the way he is I find it quite hard to believe. I cant think about leaving him now as ive got 2 younger children my daughter is just doing her GCSE I know if I won the lottery I would probably leave him but deep in my heart I still love him..Its all a big mess...I will take on board what you both have said and thankyou so much for your help..Kyria.

No, definitely don't start seeing anyone else. Focus on sorting your relationship. Feeling unloved and unwanted can have serious impacts on your self esteem over time, so don't just ignore this.

I wonder if it might be useful for you to have some counselling, either with your DH or separately.

And, I'm sorry to suggest this, but you don't think there could be someone else involved where your husband is concerned, do you? If you've been thinking this way, it's possible he has been too. I really hope that's not the case though.

You need to communicate again.

It sounds as though you've drifted apart through no fault of your own but the business of obviously having some impact on your husbands time.

My DH runs his own business and at times, he can really shut down to anything other than work. It's hard because he is the only one working (I'm a full-time carer for our son) so the pressure is on him.

I should imagine that he sees your son as lazy because of how hard he works IYSWIM?

I think that they key for the two of you is to have it out as it were. Get it all out in the open, how you feel, how he feels.

Counselling could help if you both want that, an affair really won't.

Hi there guys, Thanks so much for your replies..I must say that this whole saga is making me feel very unloved and unwanted and heaps of other things too. Yes I think you are right about sitting and actually talking to each other about what is happening with our relationship we are, I suppose like ships in the night he comes home from work, he sits down does the paper work etc., Im dealing with the kids they go to bed than I go to bed this is how life is even when he is here he doesnt chat with me alot its hard to squeeze a conversation out of him lately, he is very obsessed with his work it totally consumes him and takes up all his time. even when it really doesnt need to he will sit there fiddling about with his web shop changing things for hours and hours whilst kids and I are forgotten about..For his birthday for instance he didnt even want to take the children and I out for a meal this time we usually always do something on birthdays this obviously upset not only me but the kids too. They see their dad as a man that just works or sits working at his computer with no time for them. In regard to another women I cant see that myself as he wouldnt have the time apart from anything else. I do wonder at times though how he gets by with no sex he is only 42 how can he go without sex for so long I wonder about the internet as he is up working sometimes to 2 or 3 in the morning. The counselling probably he wouldnt do I could never in a million years see him chatting to a stranger about our relationship, but maybe its something I should think of doing myself. I really appreciate your replys and help thankyou so much..Kyria

He wouldn't have time for another woman?!!! Do you know exactly where he is at every given minute? Does he interact with no women at all? I'm not saying he is having an affair but the time can always be found if need be!
Have you looked at the computer history?
Maybe your husband is just stressed and/or bored! How much "us" time do you make for eachother? Maybe you should make sure you both set time aside for this at least once a week.
Please talk to him!

Perhaps your son could do some work experience in his father's business or somewhere else? I know my nieces took my brother completely for granted till they spent a week with him as he did his work and even sat in conferences. IT really opened their eyes as to what their father did. I also know my brother was very frustrated at his two very idle, self obsessed daughters and his wife as he felt none of them understood what he did and he would stay with me as he knew he could discuss business with me and DH and we could offer advice/context but at home he felt ignored and resented how hard he was working to provide for people who he felt took him for granted. He also felt very lonely having no one at home to talk to.

Your DH may also be withdrawing due to worry, it sounds like the two of you should take a break. Currently he is seeking solace in work, not his relationships, which will make you feel unloved.

Maybe he should have a chance to talk things through with his wife before they take a break.
As far as I know things have not been discussed openly yet!

Kyria

I don't think from what you've said another woman is involved.

I do believe that this is all about work and the business. It's a massive weight around his next. I bet he's terrified of failing and lettin gyou all down.

That's not excuse for ignoring you and the children but to some degree I can see why he's so intense with work and not really bothered by the rest of his life.

Do you know what I do when life gets like this with my DH (who's also 42 ), we have a date night. He 'finishes work' at 6pm. Showers to wash the day away, gets changed out of his suit, opens a beer and we cook dinner together.

Something nice. And it's all planned in advance so he knows about it.

Would he go for something like that do you think? You just need to connect for a while.

It's so hard for both of you. I guess to some degree we're the same. I do the children and house, food, laundry etc and DH does work, the garden and the dog

Talk to him. Gently and calmly. Just try to break the cycle.

Hi again guys and thankyou again for your replies.
Yes I have looked at my husbands computer history but to be honest with you apart from having two big computers that my husband uses for work..(husband is a computer genius) he could hide anything he wanted from me or the children on it in files etc..I dont know where he is every moment of the day but he goes to work in his work clothes and works with my friends son so they are usually always together. My husband doesnt socialise with friends, eg pub etc., so he is usually here at home apart from when he is working this is why I dont believe a women is involved with things going wrong. My son would never work with my husband as unfortunately they really dont get on its a bit of a long story but they both harbor alot of bad feelings towards each other. He has always been hard on my eldest son I dont know whether its because he was away for the first 3 years of his life abroad (my husband is greek) he had things to tie up over there and had to do army service. He has never been as close to him as he has our two younger children so this has been going on for many years it has just got worse as my son has got older. In regard to having nights together. I really dont think he would be interested in cooking with me as ive said before he comes home and starts work on the computer he does absolutely nothing around the house not even the gardening. I have a fairly big garden so I do it all he isnt interested in anything apart from work. you are probably at a loss as to what to say to me now, but I truly appreciate all your help Im new here I only joined last week as I needed some answers and you all have given me some..The business bit I think you have hit it on the head I do believe he feels I dont give him enough support I dont think I actually have given him enough help with it all, and I think maybe he resents me for it..He showed me the ropes a few months ago and I started to help with the paperwork than all of a sudden he didnt want me to do it and he started doing it again himself and ive left it like that.. Since than Ive become unwell and am under the doctors and really cant get my brain around paper work I just cant do it and I truly wish I could. maybe in a few months when I feel better I can start again...could this be the reason he is the way he is..he feels I havent supported him maybe..I think im going to have to think deeply about this, but if this is true surely you just cant stop loving someone because of not doing the paperwork for you...sounds crazy I do everything else around here....Guys thankyou again I take everything on board you have all said. First thing Im going to do though is talk to him when everyone is out of the house...Kyria.

Kyria, from a man's perspective, who owns his own business, this is my take.

Being involved in your company (it belongs to both of you) is very important, my wife wants nothing to do with mine and this is difficult because we cannot relate to each other regarding issues of stress and problems that occur. Anything that you do is better than doing nothing at all.

I'm sorry to hear that he does nothing around the house, this is unforgivable as in the company it's his house too isn't it ?

Does he have any health issues ?, do you see him undress ? if there isn't another person involved then there has to be something else.

People do not just fall out of love for no reason, if this is what it is.

I don't recommend this but if you are relatively computer literate, there is a program called sspro you can google it. It logs key presses, screen shots and logs websites.

As for seeing anyone else, forget it, this will be the road to hell, if it gets to this point then you should leave.

Remember if your married you are entitled to 50% of the family wealth.

"As for seeing anyone else, forget it, this will be the road to hell, if it gets to this point then you should leave."

Great advice there.

You do need to talk. This might sound daft but what about making a list of your thoughts? I know that sometimes you have yourself all ready and then when it comes to it, you go blank. Maybe a list would help you to think more clearly.

I'm sorry to hear, but not surprised, that you DH and son have a history, it's not uncommon. But tbh, that's not your problem.

I hope you can find the time for one another and just talk.

Hi guys,
Thanks so much again for replies..In regard to seeing him undress, no I dont as he sleeps downstairs we dont sleep together anymore he stopped all of a sudden coming to bed. He doesnt have any health problems. Unfortunately im not very computer literate, obviously I can come on here and do other bits and pieces but what you suggested I could never do and knowing my luck my husband would find out. We dont really have any wealth as such just living day by most of our money goes on the children, we have a mortgate on the house he has a large farmily over in Greece and I have nobody here apart from my children I have no parents they both died years ago. It was a good idea about making a list as I do go blank alot lol..when it comes to saying things to him so that is what I shall do..All I can say is thankyou again for all your kindness in trying to help me. Kyria.

Would you husband not put aside some time once a week to just spend with you? You don't have to cook togther but it could be as little as an hour together just doing something together. It sounds like the closeness has gone out the window but you can still try to bring it back gradually.
Surely he wouldn't begrudge you some time together?

kyria,
Your DH might be totally obsessed by his work or he might not want to be in this marriage and is lookig for ways to avoid spending time with you (see his reaction to you when you asked him if he loves you).

He might ressent you not understanding what his work involves, not being able to discuss his work with you but then my H woud not be able to understand what my job is either. I have found other people to talk to about it and I speak to him about other subjects.

What you are not talking about is what else is going on? How has this happened, was everything Ok before he strated to sleep dowstairs or did yu have some arguments?
How did you react to your H attitude towards your ds?
I thik you would benefit from going to see a cunsellor on your own to try and uderstand what has taken you both where you are. Then you will be able to have a discussion with him with more precise/appropriate questions.

Hi again, Because my husband works very long hours it would be difficult for us to have time together, do things together, especially during the week but yes at weekends we could go for a meal, which I have in the past suggested but he always says he doesnt feel like it I havent asked him for ages apart from the other week when it was his birthday but even than he didnt want to go even with the children. We did have a lovely day out all together on Saturday (first time in absolute ages) we went to London and I was looking at my husband and watching him enjoying himself with my younger son, I found myself feeling very sad and wishing days could always be like that. I have not been able to find time yet to have a chat with him without anyone here..I really cant remember what started him sleeping downstairs it wasnt through us arguing or anything he often would sit up late doing paperwork etc and I would leave him to it and find him asleep at 2 or 3 in the morning on the sofa, wake him and he would come up. Since than he just doesnt bother atall and when Ive asked him to come to bed he says he doesnt want to even though a year ago he bought us a king size memory foam bed and even had bedroom decorated he told me he would start to come back to bed at night again but he didnt he hasnt once slept in this new bed! In regard to my son I can honestly say this is one of the biggest problems and causes us to argue I cant really go into it all but my husband is and has been totally unfair to my son and it absolutely breaks my heart my son is very quiet and lacks self esteem out of all our children he is most like me, I can totally relate to him. My husband now wont even allow his girlfriend to stay over anymore because he says its a bad influence on the other two children..that is rubbish they both understand he is not a child and boys his age have girlfriends stay over ..We ended up having a dreadful argument over that and in the end I had to tell my son not to let his girlfriend stay over anymore Saturday night.. He does alot of things to our son out of malice at times I really dont think he likes him alot because he didnt turn out the way he wanted him to but my son has learnt his lesson and is as ive said before off to uni soon. .All I want is for them to have a relationship, my son has massive hangups over his father he feels his dad doesnt love him and because of this and the hurt it has caused me at times, I have felt resentment towards my husband. He is and can be the most lovely man in the world (everyone loves him) but has a side to him that even after 20years of marriage I dont understand at times. Thanks again guys for your help ive got lots to think about..Kyria