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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He has given his mother all our savings

100 replies

westernshores · 13/06/2011 11:54

Hi everyone. I wasn't sure if I should add to my previous thread here or make a new one. It's a new issue (or is it?) so here goes.

We've had one conselling session, which wasn't especially productive but I was glad we did it. We had a nice night out together - he arranged it, got a babysitter etc - where we did a lot of chatting and had a good time as a couple. This weekend just gone we did lovely things as a family - again, his idea (daytrip etc). He didn't touch alcohol, get snarky, do/say anything snide. I was really hopeful that I'd shocked him into assessing his behaviour.

This morning he told me he'd given his mother his inheritance from his grandmother (£60,000), instead of paying it into the mortgage as he'd told me. His mother said that grandmother would've left it to her anyway had she known about MIL's financial situation and H thought that was reasonable. MIL used the money to repay business debts and a huge tax bil of FILs.

This was 'some months ago' (must be a year plus). He did not consult me at any point and although he says he was intending to tell me and looking for the right time, I just can't believe that. I suspect something has happened which means it would be obvious that the money was not used as he said - perhaps the mortgage deal has run out? H is the only name on the mortgage and is in finance so I - stupidly - haven't done anything other than take his word for it over the years.

He said "essentially it was my money and I felt this was the best use for it".

We'll never get it back as MIL is remortgaged to the hilt and retiring and BIL has disabilities which will need supporting once MIL and FIL pass away. Not that them repaying us was ever mentioned.

MIL and FIL have clearly colluded in this as nothing has ever been said to me.

Is this why he was so keen to live abroad and sell the house/rent it out?

I was almost speechless as he was telling me - and then he fucked off to work and said we'd talk later. I can't stop thinking about what a difference that money was supposed to make to the DCs.

I am literally torn - is this why he's been so aggressive and horrible? The stress of covering up this situation? Does he deserve compassion here? Or is it proof that he doesn't think me worth considering at all?

I feel like... actually I don't feel like anything, I just feel sick.

OP posts:

jesuswhatnext · 13/06/2011 14:45

i feel so sorry for you - this would be an absloute deal breaker for me, he is decietful and underhand and i would have no respect for him - i have to respect my dh as much as i love him in equal degrees - i couldnt even look at my dh if he had done this to me. in my book all our money is OURS, we signed up for a partnership!

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 13/06/2011 14:46

No, he can't if it's the marital home I'm fairly sure. It'd be different if they weren't legally married; then she'd just have an equitable claim, and they're never easy to prove.

So the mortgage payments went down around the time that he claimed to have paid 60K into the mortgage. By an amount that would seem logical? You must have a ballpark idea of how big the mortgage is - does 60K represent a drop in the ocean, or would it have paid off a substantial amount?

Original poster

westernshores · 13/06/2011 14:46

My biggest fear is that he's run up debts to disguise what he's done, or the house is in danger - that this secondment abroad was a last-ditch attempt to run away from all that.

I can well see that a situation like that could contribute to his drinking more and acting like a twat. I'm so sad. I have bottomless compassion for people who dig themselves holes and get caught up in despair. But I just don't feel any of that for H. I'm not even angry right now. I'm concerned but... tired, mostly.

Me and the DCs will be okay no matter what, I know we will, I'll happily do anything - benefits, shelf-stacking, anything - and live anywhere. But it seems so unfair on them. I've been blithely going about my business for the past couple of years enjoying being a SAHM, getting our food from waitrose, buying bits and bobs for the home. Sure their uni educations (if that's what they wanted to do), were paid for.

If there's a situation which has become critical, and I could've helped - could've got evening work, could've cut back our spending, could've asked for help from relatives etc - or we could've done something (sold up, moved)... I couldn't ever forgive H for robbing me - us - of that opportunity.

OP posts:

DamselInDisarray · 13/06/2011 14:47

It's odd that he sees it as his mother's money, or money that should have gone to her. As far as I can tell from the details, his grandmother purposefully disinherited his mother (but not your DH's uncle). From that I'd guess that his grandmother really did not want his mother to get the money, whatever she may claim. It all sounds like a dreadful, guilt-ridden mother-son relationship. Not at all healthy.

That is, of course, no excuse for lying to you and doing something that may well disadvantage his own children. You, and they, deserve far better.

Original poster

westernshores · 13/06/2011 15:01

tortoise, is it okay if I PM you? Not sure about putting mortgage etc details here.

OP posts:

Original poster

westernshores · 13/06/2011 15:03

Damsel, I agree 100%. H says (well, MIL said to him), that she didn't tell her mother about MIL and FIL's financial problems and that if they HAD, she would've left them the money directly. H's grandmother was always very concerned about BIL and I can sort of believe that, actually, especially if their problems were such that they could lose their home (BIL needs a stable environment).

OP posts:

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 13/06/2011 15:36

I worry that he has not thought of your own children in all this.

DamselInDisarray · 13/06/2011 15:45

It speaks volumes about your MIL that she would manipulate your DH in this way. However, he is a grown man and should be putting his own family before his mother.

I'd imagine that your DH's grandmother left the money to him and his brother (in trust) because she was fully aware of your MIL and FIL's attitude to (and problems with) money. She was probably (rightfully) concerned that your BIL would be left with nothing if she left it to your MIL.

All you can really do is to try to protect yourself and your kids. You obviously can't rely on your DH. Now is probably a very good time to see a lawyer to discuss your options and what you need to do now. If nothing else, understanding where you stand and having a plan will put you in a more powerful position to resolve these issues in a way that suits you and the kids.

oldwomaninashoe · 13/06/2011 15:56

A friend of mine inherited from her Mother after she had been seperated from her H for about a year (he had left her for another woman) Her inheritance had to go in the "pool" of marital assets to be divided up, and yes her H got some of it (not sure how much or what proportion) under the terms of the financial settlement.
So him giving it all to his Mum IS a big deal especially as you were unaware. See if you can print off a paper trail of the £60K and get some legal advice asap before you confront him further.

DamselInDisarray · 13/06/2011 16:00

To be honest, the transferring it into two separate accounts to stay under a certain threshold sounds somewhat dodgy to me. This isn't helped when the FIL has a massive tax bill to pay (and hadn't put money aside for it like all sensible self-assessed people) and the MIL has too-expensive mortgage(s) obtained through creative and purposefully misleading accounting practices. I'd be wondering if it was all entirely above board (and if it could come back to bit me in future).

It's probably best to find out what's really going on.

Lox · 13/06/2011 16:05

When the Icelandic bank collapsed it was all over the media that only money up to £30K was protected in UK banks held by one institution. To second guess that is missing the point DamselInDisarray .

Sorry you are having to deal with this OP.

MrsTittleMouse · 13/06/2011 16:09

The two separate bank accounts is to keep it under the limit in case the bank goes bust. There were a lot of people who were in trouble when the Icelandic banks went bust, because only the first £50,000 (?) is covered by the bank's insurance, so they lost everything over the £50,000. The limit used to be lower IIRC.

So that isn't dodgy, but everything else is.

Really glad that you are getting legal advice.

ShoutyHamster · 13/06/2011 16:10

Print off proof of the transactions NOW - and anything else. Goodness knows where all this will end up going, but the facts are - if you split, you want the option of pursuing this as part of the settlement. Consult a lawyer about the whole shebang - including how to find out the exact state of your finances (before you tell him anything about your intentions).

I would have said I hope you work it out, but your husband sounds so profoundly dishonest as well as weak and selfish, that I'm not sure that this would be the option I'd take. The only thing that you can count on is that you don't know the half of it yet, by the sound of things.

As you are married I don't think it matters whether your name is on the house - others might correct this. I would also understand that his giving away the money without your consent might be pursuable as fraud, or at least pursued so that your share of this is reflected in a settlement.

Sorry that it's come to this for you.

EdwardorEricCantDecide · 13/06/2011 16:15

i agree with shoutyhamster make sure he is NOT aware of your intentions until you are fully aware of how much money/debt there is, where it is & where it came from, and get paper copies of all this info and keep in a safe place.

the mortgage could also have come down because an expensive fixed rate ended or because of switching to interest only.

Original poster

westernshores · 13/06/2011 16:36

If this was the only thing, and didn't come after years of him acting increasingly worse when drunk and behaving contemptuously towards me, I might be prepared to try and work through it. Divorce would leave me and the DCs considerably more than 60k worse off over the DCs childhoods iyswim.

But it's not just the money, it's not even mainly the money.

OP posts:

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 13/06/2011 16:47

I have read through this thread, and skimmed through the other one that you linked to, OP. I don't have any advice to give you, but just wanted to tell you that I'm thinking of you, and hoping that you will be able to see the best way forward for you and your dc.

Seabright · 13/06/2011 19:01

WS - go an see a solicitor tomorrow; there's a restriction you can have placed on the title to your home, to protect your interest in it, even though you aren't married. This is a link to the Land Registry guide that sets out what can be done. You need to do this asap.

Seabright · 13/06/2011 19:02

Sorry, I meant, even though you aren't named on the title.

Original poster

westernshores · 13/06/2011 19:13

He owned the house before we were married, will that make a difference?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 13/06/2011 19:17

He's a real piece of work, western. You know you need to get rid.

Original poster

westernshores · 13/06/2011 19:18

Have appointment (£80!), for consultation with solicitor tomorrow afternoon.

H came home briefly and said we could talk once DCs in bed. He didn't say if he has the evidence I asked for. He's now out at (weekly), football thing with friends. I usually go out at 9pm with a friend who does a class down our road - tempted to go as usual and say we'll talk tomorrow, give me longer to think/plan/find stuff out?

OP posts:

HansieMom · 13/06/2011 19:41

I think you need the services of a forensic accountant to see what has/is happening to all your money. Who knows what all your DP has been up to.

It's possible you have to pay income tax on the 60K.

His grandmother wanted him to have the money, not her daughter.

It might be good for you to say we will talk later, as he has been tossing out orders re when you will talk. It would give him something to think about!

AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 20:07

it won't make any difference that he owned the house before you were married

Xales · 13/06/2011 20:12

Go as usual.

Part of the problem appears to be him saying his opinion/decisions are important.

Him saying he can have his time out and then you will talk during what should be your time out clearly shows that in his opinion he is more important than you.

Seabright · 13/06/2011 20:26

That'll probably be the best £80 you'll spend in a long time! No, it won't make a difference he owned it before the marriage.

Have you paid anything towards the house at any time? Paid for specific repairs? Renovations? If you can think of things like that, make a list, your solicitor will find it useful as it could all add to a claim that you have a beneficial interest in the house (Legal term, meaning you already own a share, but not shown on the title)

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