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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Tactics to deal with a Water Torturer please

101 replies

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 13/06/2011 09:38

I know my ex is a water torturer, as defined by Lundy Bancroft.

I'm struggling to deal with him and I'd appreciate any tactics you lot have developed to deal with him?

It's hard to get someone who hasn't been through it to understand (I've an AIBU going at the moment that proves it) and I'd like to have the benefit of the wisdom and experience of you wise MNetters.

OP posts:

Original poster

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 13/06/2011 11:26

Mindy - from my earlier post :

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie Mon 13-Jun-11 09:40:18

The Water Torturer (the title and extract are taken from 'Why Does He do That?' by Lundy Bancroft, in my opinion this description suits best). The text is written about his/her partner as that was the purpose of the book, however, it is any human that he/she choses as their victim.

OP posts:

barbiegrows · 13/06/2011 11:59

Beverly Engel alternates 'he' and 'she' use, which is very confusing but it makes you think it through more carefully and look at your own behaviour as well (which has been altered by his).

OP Don't school have an 'alternative contact' for him? He should line someone up for emergencies too. Outsmart him. People that think they are intelligent usually aren't - they are just sneaky. You are more intelligent because you actually care about your own children. Bastard. Am I allowed to say that?

SingOut · 13/06/2011 12:07

I agree that you have to emotionally disengage. My ex is just like this and I agree it is crazymaking. But for your own sanity you MUST take a step back mentally. Be aware that others would be able to shrug and not give a shit when he behaves like that again and again. It is annoying and rude of course, but your reaction is out of proportion to each incident, because when it happens again, it's NOT each specific incident but every incident that ever occurred and your despair about all of it added together. Whatever it takes, you have to let go so that you just don't give a shit anymore. I know how hard it is. But if he still has you seething and/or in tears, you haven't really fully left the relationship.
I'm a hypocrite saying all this because my ex had me sobbing with fury (not in front of him) recently after a particularly frustrating week in which he badmouthed me to everyone in our mutual group of friends while we were both attending a camping event, and then refused to look after his DS or make any concrete plans to do so, so that I was left hanging for a week and exhausted with very little respite. I wanted to run away too. But really the running away you have to do is in your mind, so he has no emotional power over you anymore. I'm a year post-spit and in a similar situation, with a similar ex. I've just realised how much more disengaged I need to be than I currently am. So if you ever need to PM me for a bit of moral support, feel free.

Original poster

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 13/06/2011 12:13

Thanks guys. I know I need to emotionally disengage. And you're right Sing - it's the combination of the 20 years of crap every time, not just the one incident.

OP posts:

bejeezus · 13/06/2011 12:29

hmmmm...I'm not convinced you feel like this because you are still emotionally engaged/ you need to disengage?

thinking about the example you have given with your dd in afterschool club...youre emotionally involved because it is your child that might be left behind when her dad 'forgets' to pick her up, not because of your feelings for him IMO...

not sure I have any useful suggestions though. I havent got as far as 'the Waer Torturer' in The Book..still digesting and contemplating 'The Demand Man', but it all rings true . I am coping with it by just not relying on him for anything. I do all the child care or ask friends/ family..so thta I am not left in impossible situations at the last minute anymore. We are still lving together though. It probably wouldnt work once seperated? How about saying something like 'dd has after school club and so will be finishing at Xpm so suchandsuch will pick her up'. Then you know your dd will be relyably picked up and if your XP wants to pick her up, he is going to have to respond with something like 'oh no, I'll get her, what time is it?' then; you havent tried to 'control him' or nagged him-he has offered to get her (or not- and suchandsuch can get her!)

bejeezus · 13/06/2011 12:31

sorry--- 'dd hasnt got after school club...'

Original poster

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 13/06/2011 12:33

After school club isn't a big deal this week, I can pick her up but that's not really the point iyswim?

OP posts:

Original poster

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 13/06/2011 12:34

If I texted him he wouldn't respond, so I wouldn't know if he got the text. And it's his day, which is set in stone, so if I organised anyone else to do the pick up then I'm interfering in his access to his children.

It's so hard to explain how difficult it is to fight against.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 12:45

mindy...take your pedantry and stick it up your arse

HTH

AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 12:46

OP, you certainly don't have to explain to me how hard it is, but I see how normal, rational people (who have never had to deal with this kinda stuff) just don't get it

Original poster

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 13/06/2011 12:48

AnyFucker- thanks. It's just hard when people don't get it, I feel really defensive

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 12:50

I know, love

Have you had a look at the "Narcissism" thread

There are many similarities in this behaviour, and you would be preaching to the converted on there. Although, it seems there are a few on this thread, unfortunately, who get you

barbiegrows · 13/06/2011 13:02

As I said OP, it's not about disengaging, he's just trying to hook you cos he knows you'll not be able to leave dcs at school gates. So make sure he has an alternative contact at school - give school two alternatives for him and suggest he changes them if he doesn't like your choice. That takes you out of the equation. Sounds harsh on DCs, but OH is doing NEGLECT here, and you are picking up the pieces. You watch, when you give them a different alternative contact he will be down the school gates like a shot so he doesn't look bad to those he has probably convinced he is the shining innocent.

I've had to do that (I'm still in the crap relationship) and you feel selfish, but then finally he got it, realised that I wouldn't take the bait and did the right thing (although was late, blablabla). In the end it's his loss if he wants to appear a crap dad to the kids. It's not going to scar them for life to sit in the office for an hour while he farts about. It will damage them far more, in ways that you will have no control over however, if they see Dad deliberately upsets Mum and learn that when they grow up, if they mess people around they get their own way.

Sorry to overload this with significance, but it's THEM that make out it's insignificant to US and it really is NOT.

Diggs · 13/06/2011 15:24

So what if he says your controlling ?
I dont think you are still in the relationship at all , but i do think your possibly trying to apease him which is understandable . You will gradually care less what he thinks , but while you do care , he can maintain some power over you .

If he is not reliable re school pick ups , put a stop to them , you collect and he can pick up from you . If he doesnt like it tough tooty. Whats he going to do ?

Original poster

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 13/06/2011 15:32

But if he picks up from me Diggs then he's late. Hours and hours.

OP posts:

Diggs · 13/06/2011 15:52

Then go out . If he doesnt show or ring within half an hour just go out . Im not being flippant , i know how it is , these people do not stop until it starts to inconvenience them.

I would inform him via email that if he doesnt show or ring within half an hour youll assume hes not coming . Id also inform him that if he cant stick to the routine then you will make a new one that is mutually more convenient . Expect him not to come. Expect him to bring them back early too . Expect him to do anything he can to maintain some control over you .

When hes turned up a few hours late to find no ones home he wont be in a hurry to repeat it . Id tell him also that theyll be no more reminder texts , he either comes or he doesnt and he alone is responsible for his contact with the children . Does he threaten to stop maintenance ? Does he say horrible things about you to your children ?

Original poster

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 13/06/2011 15:55

So, he's dropping the kids here at 7pm and I am supposed to go out and leave them to an empty house??

He used to say horrible things, and his mother used to be worse but I got a stop put to that by my solicitor.

OP posts:

Diggs · 13/06/2011 15:57

I assumed he was late with the pick up op , not the drop off .

Original poster

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 13/06/2011 15:58

He is late with both, all, every time anything he's always bloody late!

OP posts:

theDudesmummy · 13/06/2011 16:01

I was married to one of these for 17 years (didn't know this terminology though). Well, he was like this most of the time, although there were intermittent anger outbursts and infrequent physical violence. It was very very difficult to get away and tok a long time, but I did it in the end.

I only realised when I got into a relationship with a normal nice person what I had been putting up with...

theDudesmummy · 13/06/2011 16:02

PS no contact whatsoever with my XH for past 6 years, the best thing I hve ever done, but of course that would not be possible if we had had children together, so I really feel for those who did, in this kind of relationship.

Original poster

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 13/06/2011 16:11

thedudesmummy - that's exactly what mine was like

OP posts:

MindyMacready · 13/06/2011 16:17

Apologies for my earlier ignorant post, (mutters, must read more...)

Diggs · 13/06/2011 16:28

How do your kids feel about this op ? Do they want to see him this much ?

AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 16:49

Good girl, Mindy

are you a girl, btw ?

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