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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found evidence of infedelity...shaking with rage... what's the intelligent thing to do?

52 replies

OnTheRampage · 11/06/2011 20:29

Ok short background.

DH walked out a couple of months ago. Usual 'I'm not in love with you anymore', 'we've changed' blah, blah, cliche but no solid reason. I've been doing everything that I can to keep us together as a couple and a family but have been met with total indifference the whole way along. Nevertheless I have persevered inspite of very difficult circumstances because I know of people who have made a success of their marriages when at one stage it looked impossible.

I've always had my suspicions about one of his colleagues - she has 'predator' stamped all over her. Now I've found a document that he left on our shared computer from her, joking about having sex in a car. I cannot explain how livid I am. The whole way through this he has always said there is no-one else. Bloody f'ing liar.

My options:
a) confront him in the heat of the moment
b) ask him directly when I have cooled down
c) say nothing and see if he leaves further evidence (not sure if I should tip him off that I can still see some of his electronic stuff)
d) revenge - share the document with his bosses and see what the fallout is - (maybe teachers can advise me what the consequences of two members of the senior management team having an affair is?)
d) forget about it and continue in my pragmatic do everything I can to make the marriage work, and hope he grows out of this mid-life crisis soon.

Thanks for reading. For very obvious reasons I can't share any of this with any of my real-life friends. x

OP posts:
AnyFuleKno · 11/06/2011 20:31

You said he walked out, are you separated at the moment?

AnyFuleKno · 11/06/2011 20:32

Erk, that sounded cold...didn't mean it to. I'm so sorry this is happening

squeakytoy · 11/06/2011 20:32

I think (f) accept that it is over, and he doesnt want to come back, has to be an option you also need to consider.

:( It does sound like he has made his choice and is going to stick with it.

Original poster
OnTheRampage · 11/06/2011 20:36

Yes he walked... inspite of my best efforts

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 11/06/2011 20:36

You don't need further evidence, do you? Sad

He has walked out, you have now found out why.

IMHO, you may be best served to just try and sit for a while, calmly process it, and do nothing for now. In time you will see what approach you need to take.

You are entitled to be livid, but I'd advise that to do nothing - for now - is the best course.

An opportunity may yet present itself where you can calmly serve up cold revenge. You will achieve nothing by raging.

Rant and vent here if it helps, but you need to maintain your dignity throughout this.

If there is evil needing to be doing back to this bastard, you have come to the right place, we're bloody brilliant at thinking of nasty stuff to do... Grin

(((hugs)))

Original poster
OnTheRampage · 11/06/2011 20:37

Sorry to clarify we are separated but its not public - only a few close friends and 'colleages' (don't get me started) know

OP posts:
Original poster
OnTheRampage · 11/06/2011 20:42

I think I know the right answer is to sit it out, but oh my goodness, the desire to drive round to his funky new flat and say and do all manner of bad things is almost overwhelming. Angry

Good job I have small children in the house who need at least one of their parents to be here, be responsible and put them first.

OP posts:
Slambang · 11/06/2011 20:46

AFAIK what 2 members of senior management get up to in their own private lives and time is nothing to do with a teacher's employers. Providing they are not doing it when they should be in the classroom or their affair is affecting their judgement then reporting them to the school would make you look vindictive and would probably have no repercussions except embarrass them (may be worth it just for that ??)

ohmyfucksy · 11/06/2011 20:49

I don't think it makes any difference from a work point of view. At my school two members of the senior management were shagging each other and no one cared. It was a private school though. Lots of stuff got brushed over.

I think you have to just accept it's over. He was lying to you all the time anyway, why would you want to get back with someone like that?

squeakytoy · 11/06/2011 20:49

Rampage, I would bet that it probably is more public than you think. :(

Surely people have noticed he has a new flat, and is going out and about without you.

Do you have a close friend who you can come and help you through this?

Original poster
OnTheRampage · 11/06/2011 20:54

Yes he is acting like a total bastard, he has broken vows and my heart.

I don't want to be like that. I don't want to write off our marriage because the vows aren't convenient. This is definitely the 'worse' in the for better or worse bit.

I know in my heart I won't do anything vengeful. But just for tonight I'll allow myself the luxury of thinking of all the spiteful things that I could do. For example I have a guaranteed anonymous way of making sure that document got into the hands of other members of staff ... not that I will ... but it is fun to fantisise (sp)!

OP posts:
partnerleft · 11/06/2011 20:55

this is excatly how my 25 year relationship broke down. I was wprking really hard to make things work too then i found am email about a table for 2 on valentines day and immediately confroneted him like a mad women, he admitted to seeing a work colleague for several months - devestating. He alos said he ould never have told me, In all honealy i wiash i did not know because t least i was happy and maybe we could have worked things out but not no. make your decision slowly, not in haste and i hope things turn out well

Original poster
OnTheRampage · 11/06/2011 20:56

Ps thank you all for clarity. I have never before been so angry that I have seen my heart pounding through my chest. Bloody love Mumsnetters x x x

OP posts:
Saffysmum · 11/06/2011 20:57

The school won't care what two of their staff are doing in their private time; as long as they are both doing their job properly.

Print off the evidence. Say nothing. Name her in the divorce proceedings.
Feel for you. You tried really hard, but it sounds like you've got the missing piece of the jigsaw. Focus on yourself, and try to move on.

ohmyfucksy · 11/06/2011 20:58

Everyone at work probably already knows. Sorry Sad

Original poster
OnTheRampage · 11/06/2011 21:00

Thank you partnerleft and so sorry to hear that you've gone through this too x

OP posts:
Original poster
OnTheRampage · 11/06/2011 21:04

you're probably right ohmy, double :(
What a fool I must look to them!

And I can't tell you how sad it makes me that it is contractually 'okay' for teachers or any professionals who should be setting a good example to carry on like this. I found this message on a work computer, so i think that shows how well their getting on with the job.

OP posts:
buzzsore · 11/06/2011 21:05

For c, I don't know why you need more evidence. It's pretty clear now why he's done what he's done.

For d, no point and easily casts you as the stereotypical "loopy ex" and loses the highground.

For e, I can't see what there is to make work. He's left. You can't do all the running and make a relationship work without effort/input from him too.

I prefer b of the two other options you give, but I honestly think squeakytoy's f is your best bet.

Original poster
OnTheRampage · 11/06/2011 21:05

should have read ... good example to our children...

OP posts:
ohmyfucksy · 11/06/2011 21:06

People are entitled to private lives though. No employer can really say anything about what people get up to in their own lives, as long as it isn't illegal. Feel for you though

DuelingFanjo · 11/06/2011 21:10

Feel for you but I would be seeking legal advice and pressing for a divorce.

anothermum92 · 11/06/2011 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
OnTheRampage · 11/06/2011 22:04

Seeing him on Monday. Friend on the way with box of tissues and a shoulder to cry on. Should have it together by then. Countless texts, emails and letters written in my head but nothing sent. Lucky him.

OP posts:
Wisedupwoman · 11/06/2011 22:56

What a shit. Sorry OTR

Don't send them, write all you want to but don't send. If you feel the urge is irresistable, come on MN first, someone will talk you down. I know, this happens to me all the time!

HerHissyness · 12/06/2011 13:15

Ok peeps who have walked this path, now is the time to recall whatever you recall posters like WWIFN said. Cos I don't think we can say 'She'll be along soon enough' any more.

Stay strong OTR, dignity above everything. Knowledge is power, you can look at this bloke in a new light now, you may find that when you see him you feel less hurt, and more angry, contain it for now. observe him and see him in his true guise. You'll find your calm, and you will start to feel stronger.

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