Found evidence of infedelity...shaking with rage... what's the intelligent thing to do?

[OnTheRampage]

Ok short background.

DH walked out a couple of months ago. Usual 'I'm not in love with you anymore', 'we've changed' blah, blah, cliche but no solid reason. I've been doing everything that I can to keep us together as a couple and a family but have been met with total indifference the whole way along. Nevertheless I have persevered inspite of very difficult circumstances because I know of people who have made a success of their marriages when at one stage it looked impossible.

I've always had my suspicions about one of his colleagues - she has 'predator' stamped all over her. Now I've found a document that he left on our shared computer from her, joking about having sex in a car. I cannot explain how livid I am. The whole way through this he has always said there is no-one else. Bloody f'ing liar.

My options:
a) confront him in the heat of the moment
b) ask him directly when I have cooled down
c) say nothing and see if he leaves further evidence (not sure if I should tip him off that I can still see some of his electronic stuff)
d) revenge - share the document with his bosses and see what the fallout is - (maybe teachers can advise me what the consequences of two members of the senior management team having an affair is?)
d) forget about it and continue in my pragmatic do everything I can to make the marriage work, and hope he grows out of this mid-life crisis soon.

Thanks for reading. For very obvious reasons I can't share any of this with any of my real-life friends. x

You are hurt and angry and you have every right to feel the way you do.

Try to think of it as a grieving process. You are after all grieving for the marriage you thought you had that has been cruely taken from you. The death of this relationship if you like.

You may have heard people talk abut the 7 stages of grief. I think they apply very well to a relationship breakdown as well.

here are those stages -

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-

You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

1. PAIN & GUILT-

As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

1. ANGER & BARGAINING-

Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

1. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-

Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

7 Stages of Grief...

1. THE UPWARD TURN-

As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

1. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-

As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

1. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-

During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

7 stages of grief...

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

Now those stages should be considered losely of course, but to know where you are on that process is sometimes helpful. to see that you are processing this massivly shocking incident in a perfectly "normal" way, that the next stage is to be expected, to know that actually you are just getting nearer and nearer "stage 7"

This place is an awesome treasure chest of advice and support so do please carry on posting. You are being very strong, I hope you continue to do so.

f, get to a solicitor and see where you stand legally.

He has at present made it clear to you that as far as he is concerned the marriage is over.

Make it official and make all the necessary arrangements to separate and end your marriage. Keep it a secret no longer.

Even a divorce does not have to be final he may come back to you. Just don't hold your breath as he may never. However you cannot fix your marriage on your own it will not work and he will just take and take until you have nothing left to give and are an empty hollow shell.

Agree 100% with Xales - at th emoment your head will be in a different place ever day, and your feelings will go from one extreme to another. Sit tight and let it all wash over you if you can, not a time to act in haste.

Thanks everyone. Today the rage has given way to sheer disappointment. He is a good person who is making very, very bad decisions and I know he will live to regret them. He always prided himself on his integrity and now he has blown that to bits.

I am dealing with each emotion as it surfaces and just getting on with the day to day stuff with the kids.

I know that most people will think I'm deluded but I spoke to someone this morning who was in exactly the same position 10 years ago. Her DH had an affair for 2 years. She was incredibly gracious and forgiving and when he did eventually come back they restarted their relationship and haven't looked back. They're one of those couples that everyone wants to be like and extremely happy and honest with each other.

I believe in miracles - and I know that is what is needed here x

I think that you need to take back some control. He chose to have an affair, he chose to walk out, he continues to choose to stay away in his "funky new flat". All his decisions, consequences he controls.

I understand you want him back. Maybe he needs to see the stark reality of having some decisions made for him, so that he can see how his life is really going to pan out if you divorce. So maybe making things official (legal separation or divorce), fixed access times and dates for the children, you detaching from him (as WWIFN would say), would make his little adventure seem a little less appealing?

Oh, and making it public. Why should his tawdry behaviour be kept private?

I think if you go down the sharing the email with work you will come off worse than him. People would unfortunately assume you were vengeful and a bit unstable and then justify (wrongly) his affair in their heads. Also if you have dc's you will need to ensure he stays in work to pay his CSa.

The greatest revenge you can have is looking like your not bothered. Do not let him keep the power over you emotionally.

You are going through hell and I urge you to tell your support group

First of all, you need to accept that you will be on a rollercoaster of emotions over the next few days/weeks. So, you must be kind to yourself, and try and accept how you feel. Some days you'll feel strong, other days you'll want to hide under the duvet and weep all day. All of this is normal. And it will take as long as it takes.

Secondly, only you know your marriage; my marriage broke down 2 years ago, but we lived together and ran separate lives until April this year, when I kicked him out. I went through a lot of the hurt and anger when H was still here - so for me it was a relief when he went, and I've coped well since then. But this is different for you, because you're dealing with shock as well.

You don't have to make any decisions about the future today, tomorrow or next week. You need time to catch up emotionally and physically with what has happened.

Thirdly, you must not in any way blame yourself for this. Don't ever look back and think "if only I did this, or that". You could have morphed into a super model, domestic goddess, sexbomb and it wouldn't stopped him doing what he did. He had choices. The grown up thing would have been to tell you that he was unhappy, and to talk about it. He allowed himself to have an affair. He wanted to have an affair. He is responsible for this - not you.

He has to have the space to screw this up: what I mean is, don't give him the best of both worlds. Don't talk to him, text him, contact him at all. This will be hard, but it will be the best for YOU. You need to detach, and have emotional space to heal, and calm down in, and get yourself and your thoughts together. Contacting him will do you no good at all. It is far too early to talk to him (and after a week or so, you may not want to). If you engage with him now, you will hurt yourself more, he will lie, or he will be honest - either way, it won't help you now. You need space.

When the time is right, (for me it was before H left), go to CAB and get some advice. They should give you a list of local solicitors that do a free initial session. I found this gave me a focus, and a sense of control.

If you have time on your own, you will gather strength and be able to focus on what you want. And it might just surprise you - but you need the time to decide this.

Take things at your own speed, and don't have contact with him. Keep posting on here, because some of the posters here got me through the early weeks, and for that I will always be grateful. Also, and this is imperative, tell a close friend or two, or trusted family member. You need their help and support - it will be invaluable.

Good luck

I know how this feels. I am very sorry for your situation.

Depends on what you want to do. If you want to get your marriage back, you will have to confront him calmly. Once the "secret" part of the affair is exposed, it will become slightly less fun. It will become a bit shameful, but that may not stop him doing it.

If you want to get divorced, keep quiet and get more evidence.

IME they never admit it until faced with 100% hard evidence. My DH lied and lied until it was preposterous to do so any more.

Re the professional aspect. I actually know someone who sent an anonomous letter to her cheating husband's boss enclosing proof of his affair with a colleague. The company totally swept it under the carpet and it did not make an iota of difference to anything. At the end of the day, employers don't care about that sort of thing. You mention teaching - plenty of teachers are married to eachother etc - 2 of my DS's teachers are married to eachother. I honestly don't think a school would care and it would again be swept under the carpet. Also, if you end up divorced, it will be better for your DC if your H is employed so that he can pay a proper amount of child maintenance. There is no real point in contacting his employer. To be brutal as well, people could just have a laugh and gossip about it as they are sweeping it under the carpet. That's what happened in the case I have described above .

Were you happy before all this came out and he left? Did you laugh together, love together, go out and have fun?

If you were not happy, why do you want him back? Is it the fear of the unknown?

You describe him as a good man....what did he do to deserve this praise?

When my ex wife had an affair and left me for another man (who subsequently stayed with his wife but continued to write to my ex confessing his true love and he was only with his wife for the love of his kids- be warned this can happen!) I was very hurt but when I reflected on things I then decided that I hadn't been really happy for years and it was for the best.

I find it odd that so many people are prepared to take back errant partners when they have done the one thing that hurts you more than anything else.

Thanks for the continuing advice. It's really good to hear different opinions and not just what is whirring through my head.

I have told a couple of close friends and they have been amazing. I'm so blessed to have people who will literally drop everything and come running to pick me up off the floor. And I think I will be venting on here just to get subjective opinions too.

I've looked into legal advice. I don't want to let on that I know anything until I know where I stand with the mortgage (which I'm paying alone right now), child support, etc. But the one that really freaks me out is that he is officially my next of kin. I don't want him to be the one to make the decision about whether or not my (theoretical) life support stays on!

I meant objective opinions

You can change your next of kin in an instant! Don't give that a second thought. Glad you're leaning on a couple of close friends.

Hello OTR

Just want to share what I did, don't know if it applies to your situation but if it helps:

If the mortgage is in joint names, alert the mortgage provider and they should put a dispute on the mortgage - this protects you (and H) from either of you drawing down extra funds or taking out personal loans against it (which you would jointly be responsible for).

If you work and have a 'death in service' pension, you can nominate another person (or persons) to receive this rather than your spouse if you die (sorry, not being morbid but these are all considerations) whilst still married. (assuming you won't reconcile).

You can get the joint tenancy severed on the mortgage which removes the right to challenge your estate, which you can leave to whomever you want.

Don't know who pays the bills but if you're staying in the marital home with the DC's change the bills into your name if they're in his - but tell them the date he left. Utilities should then start a new account in your name and any outstanding debts on bills should fall to him, if he was paying them (but check this out, utilities are not good at volunteering information which may make it harder for them to get paid).

Apply for child tax/working tax credits and Council tax reduction if you are the sole adult in the home.

The sooner you start the CSA application, the better it seems. Unless you're on benefits, they don't start the claim until they have made contact with the non-resident parent.

And most important, be nice to yourself and let your RL friends and family make a fuss of you. They want to, it helps them feel useful.

Dump anything I've said which isn't helpful, it's fine.

Had friends in this situation and always thought the most important thing is to be able to look your kids in the eye when they are older and say "I did everything I could". (Sounds a bit pious written down- don't mean you should be sacrificing your self respect!)
Good luck.

Thank you very wise wisedupwoman.

I want to be sensible and protect the children from my DH's irresponsible decision making and everything you have suggested points to that. I have been left with the mortgage, bills and everything that 'we' had committed to financially.

He thinks that he's being reasonable by 'giving' me £300 a month, completely missing the point that we have always shared everything financially and 'we' made the decision that he should focus on his career and bigger salary while I had a lower salary and put my energies into the kids. So financially I am screwed and left with all our committments, while he swans off with his big fat pay check, new everything and her

I'm so disappointed in him. I have given him the benefit of the doubt for months but I think I need to draw the line when it comes to finances and legal stuff. I just can't trust him. He is not the man I married who protected and cared for me. He just doesn't give a damn. humph.

Yes helilly - yes, yes, yes!

Could not agree more. No matter what the outcome I will get through this knowing that I did everything in my power to make this work. IF it gets us back into a good place I will be here encouraging everyone to do the same.

If not I will still be able to hold my head high and the children will know that this is 100% his doing.

That said - I do need to protect our finances. Not to be venegful or separate us any more, but just because he is acting so irrationally I can't predict what madness may follow next.

And he used to be my best friend. Ouch... it still really hurts. blub.

BTW, do you have your own bank account? If not, get one quickly and get your salary paid into it. Then, if you have any joint bank or savings accounts you can get a dispute on those which stops him using them irresponsibly and freezes them (although if you need them too, you need to consider how you can access enough money to live on. I put all the bills onto my account and then I froze the joint account until stbx was forced to take my name off it, leaving him with the huge overdraft on an account I'd never spent a penny from).

get statements for at least the last 6 months on all accounts.

Get to a solicitor fast, if you haven't already. This doesn't mean automatic divorce but you'll know where you stand and that gives you back some control.

It hurts like hell when your best friend suddenly acts like the enemy. But at least you know who you're dealing with now and you don't have to give him the benefit of anything - he's lost the right to that.

One of the problems here is that to some extent hes moved on , and you havent as he hasnt had the decency to tell you . Theres a reason he hasnt told you and it might be that he isnt quite done with your marriage yet and wont end it until hes positive . Something very similiar happened to me , and i wish i had done things differantly . I wish i had kept my mouth shut for a start as the knowledge put me in a good position and at this point there was still some commitment to the family . Once he knew i knew i think he felt there was no point in continuing any further commitment and ceased it abruptly .

Get some legal advice asap about protecting yourself financially . They can and will screw you over as ive found out to my cost . I wish i had kept quiet and took some control back . I wish id had a conversation clamly and said that he was right , things werent right any more , that there was no point trying to recue it and it was time to start divorce proceedings . I wish id hinted at having met someone else myself and started going out ect . I wish id insisted he had the kids every weekend so he got a realistic idea of what a divorce would be like .

Sometimes theres a lot to be said for giving people what they aparently want . They often dont want it once theyve got it .

diggs - that all sounds really painful and I'm sorry you have regrets about what you did / didn't do. It's so sad that there are so many people who have been through this. I'm still dealing with the utter betrayal... and I can't believe how common it is.
It's amazing that anyone commits to a relationship or gets married at all :(

wisedup - thanks for sound advice. I'm going to open my own bank account now. Everything that we had went into and came out of a joint account. He's now taking a huge chunk out every month but those bills have still got to be paid.
Urggh - I really didn't want to go down this route of doing everything formally but it is foolish to think he is going to do anything that acts in my best interest any time soon.

He gives you £300 a month to cover mortgage, bills and child support? You need to get him in the real world! Right now he thinks he can try out his new life and as you are none the wiser about her he can decide to end that and come back as long as you are still 'doing everything you can'.

Shake it up a bit - get some legal advice re money. Tell him you can't see how you are going to make ends meet so you had to get some advice. I know nothing about how much you are entitled to but I thought he should be paying half of everything you have committed to together plus child support. Also ask him how much his pension is worth - aren't you entitled to half of that?

Also next time you see him, give him a suggested timetable of who has which weekends for access. Tell him the kids miss him and are looking forward to spending a whole weekend with him. That will prick his little exciting new life bubble. And then stick to the kids visiting even if you think you will die from sadness at not seeing them for a weekend.

Both of the above will get him focussed on what the reality of life will be if he continues with the affair and becomes a part time dad supporting a home he no longer lives in. If you still want him back, then be nice, non judgmental and bide your time. Once he realises what he has left behind and what the future holds outside the marriage, he may realise he has been a bit hasty.

Whether you care or not by then is a whole different post - stay strong and raging on the inside!

No, he won't be acting in your best interests any more, he'll be acting in his.
So act now because you have to.

Agree with Choux too.

On the relationship with a colleague question - I work in a school and our staff conduct policy does forbid a relationship with a colleague who is your line manager, so there could be an issue if that is the case.

Thanks Choux - yes the £300 is for the mortgage, bills, child care, food, etc. Fine if it was 1988, but that is not even 1/3 of the mortgage! I had the sense to sort working tax credits and council tax when he left and we are getting by short term. God help us if we the car / washing machine / boiler breaks, there is nothing in reserve.

I can't sneakily sort out a new bank account without his knowledge - we both pay our salaries into the same account, the bills come out of this and he then takes a whole load out into a new account leaving £300 behind. And he GENUINELY thinks he is being reasonable.

I'm going to supress the rage and get legal advice. I'm exploring avenues of how to get this for free.

RustyBear - she is his line manager. She's the f'ing head teacher! Great example she is