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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sex Life still rubbish

20 replies

midwife99 · 11/06/2011 02:02

My DH has come up with alot of excuses in the past, some of which were hurtful but tonight has finally opened up & admitted he just doesn't enjoy having sex with me anymore. He is capable, we do it sometimes when I get upset about the lack of it "to a satisfactory conclusion" but he just doesn't enjoy it or want it. He never masturbates or thinks about sex. He used to be really into it. My self esteem has been knocked for six again. In many other ways he's a great husband & father but this continues to be a huge problem between us. I don't want the common LEAVE HIM NOW HE'S A BASTARD advice but wonder if anyone else has actually managed to overcome this in their relationship or are we doomed?

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 11/06/2011 02:05

If he never masturbates or thinks about sex, then I think it's unlikely to be about you.

Has he been to his GP?

Original poster

midwife99 · 11/06/2011 02:11

No but I think it's a good suggestion.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 11/06/2011 10:39

He's the so-and-so who tried to blame your alleged fatness for his lack of performance, isn't he?

Off to the GP with him and let there be no more feeble excuses. And find out whether a personality transplant is available on the NHS while you're at it.

I'm in a militant mood this morning, can you tell?

FabbyChic · 11/06/2011 10:42

Is he depressed at all? Or it is possible he has a medical condition that causes him to lose his sex drive.

However he is saying it is you, but that isn't true if he doesn't masturbate where he could be thinking about an actress or someone else.

FabbyChic · 11/06/2011 10:43

Could he be impotent and because he is embarassed is blaming it on you?

What an arse.

Onemorning · 11/06/2011 10:58

My husband goes off sex periodically. He's got depression and that kills his libido. Like your husband, when he's depressed he doesn't even think about sex at all.

We went to Relate, and probably have sex about the same amount / slightly more than we did before. However, we're a lot more relaxed about it, which is a great relief, and my husband will visit the doc when necessary to up his meds when his libido disappears entirely.

HTH? It's a horrible situation and I hope you get through it.

lookingfoxy · 11/06/2011 11:05

Presuming he's been honest with you, which must be very painful to hear, can he explain why he doesn't enjoy sex with you anymore and if there could be anything to 'fix' the situation?

Original poster

midwife99 · 11/06/2011 22:57

He says it's because he hates the "domestic situation" & feels a huge sense of loss for his independence. All he does it work & look after kids & never has any fun. His life is a disaster.

OP posts:

maleview70 · 11/06/2011 23:17

Sounds like a mid life crisis way of thinking. I sometimes dwell on stuff like this. If only I had travelled, why didnt I leave it until I was in my 30's until I got married. Why did I agree to another child in my late 30's etc...

I think men can look around and see missed opportunities and wish they had made different decisions instead of looking at what they have and how they can enhance the life they have with the person they are with and the family they have. It doesn't affect me to the extent it affects your dh and I snap out of it and move on. He may be depressed.

Original poster

midwife99 · 13/06/2011 15:02

He says there's nothing wrong with him. He masturbated alone during a lie in at the weekend so that proves he's not impotent apparently! I asked him to go to the GP because I'm worried he is depressed but he refused because he doesn't want to take any pills. I suggested counselling but he says they'll just tell him to leave the children & I which is the only way he would feel happy again but that is not an option for him because of his sense of duty. He won't even peck me on the cheek!!

OP posts:

TechLovingDad · 13/06/2011 15:04

So he's not willing to do anything that might help the situation then? That's helpful, isn't it?

He may be depressed, he may just be a selfish arse.

Original poster

midwife99 · 13/06/2011 15:43

No apparently it's all my fault because I'm so miserable & unfeminine. He says that unless I'm all smiles & happy he won't be interested but I feel so utterly shit & unwanted that I can't pretend all the time! But on Friday night I put a brave face on, cooked a lovely meal & cracked open the wine, put music on & was all smiles & friendliness. We went up to bed with a view to making love, he gave me a quick cuddle & said sorry he just doesn't enjoy having sex with me etc, see original post. I think he's trying to make me leave him so he isn't "the bad guy" for deserting his wife & children, 3 of which are very young.

OP posts:

TechLovingDad · 13/06/2011 15:52

He sounds more like a selfish arse, tbh.

Hullygully · 13/06/2011 16:03

he is a shit bum and I think you are right, he wants you to kick him out so he can say it isn't his fault.

Original poster

midwife99 · 13/06/2011 16:18

Yes & everyone will feel sorry for him!

OP posts:

Onemorning · 13/06/2011 19:02

He sounds like an arse, midwife. I'm sorry you're going through this. 'Miserable and unfeminine'.

2010Dad · 13/06/2011 20:02

I understand taking testosterone can help some men who have lost/don't have a sex drive. I saw a documentary on it once, and it had transformed one couples lives. Robbie Williams has just spoken out about the fact he's taking the hormone to get his sex drive back.

Also, it sounds obvious, but perhaps viagra might help? Before anyone tells me that you need to have an interest in sex/aroused in the first place to make viagra work, I think that sometimes a man can stop feeling much of a 'man' if he isn't getting much feeling 'down there' and if suddenly, for once, he's got a rock hard erection when normally he might be anxious about the situation, then this could solve all your problems with one easy solution.

Original poster

midwife99 · 13/06/2011 20:38

Have to persuade him to go to doc first!!!

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 13/06/2011 20:44

I don't think a counsellor would tell him to leave! Well not as a first resort anyway.

I'd be willing to bet he's only saying that because that's what he thinks deep down will make him happy. I'm sorry :( It's utterly unfair of him to be blaming you as well. Families aren't happy and smily all the time, and it's unreasonable of him to expect that. If he's not happy either and insisting on dragging everyone else down with him then no wonder you're not happy and smiley, either.

It's a horrible situation, I really feel for you. It does sound like he needs to get help, even if that does lead to you splitting up. Things can't continue as they are indefinitely.

Original poster

midwife99 · 13/06/2011 21:11

No & I refuse to be set up as the bad guy by being pushed to chuck him out. It needs to be his decision. He's threatened to leave before but has never gone through with it (all for fictitious reasons Eg my daughter throwing a toy which came close to hitting him & me not telling her off thoroughly enough). He is a miserable sod most of the time but I'm expected to be all chirpy despite the mimicking whenever I speak & insults.

OP posts:

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