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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

older woman/younger man

36 replies

AmItooOld · 09/06/2011 18:27

I know a man wouldn't think twice about this but it bothers me loads!

I'm 53 and have met a lovely man who's 38, so 15 years younger. He really
seems to like me and he's the most interesting guy I've met in ages. He's
reassured me loads the age difference doesn't matter and I'm very happy
to just take things as they come but I still feel uncomfortable and think
I should write it off before we get too involved.

Anyone been there?

OP posts:

chris123456 · 09/06/2011 18:32

Didn't you notice?

Original poster

AmItooOld · 09/06/2011 18:39

Notice what? That he was younger? Of course I did!

OP posts:

HerBeX · 09/06/2011 18:41

I think it depends on what you and he want from the relationship and what lifestage you are both at.

The obvious thing is, does he have children, do you have children, does he want children.

Why do you feel uncomfortable? Is it because of external factors (what friends think, etc.) or internal ones (OMG will he think I'm wrinkly...)?

Mollymax · 09/06/2011 18:44

TBH I would not be bothered by the age gap.
As long as you are both happy with it, age gaps are less relevant as you get older.
I assume he is happy to not have a child ( or has children already ) because that can be an issue, if not talked about.
Good luck.

Mollymax · 09/06/2011 18:45

X posts again. I seem to be doing that a lot today.

kenbarlowslovestick · 09/06/2011 18:52

wahey well done just go for it and enjoy yourself i think we spend to much time analizing life sometimes when what we should really do is just enjoy the moment,it may last it may not but nothings certain so what the hell

Omigawd · 09/06/2011 18:55

Have fun, but don't expect it to be long term.

xkittyx · 09/06/2011 19:33

Why not Omigawd? I've got friends with the same age gap. They've been together for 15 years, married for 11 of those, and still happy. Other friends with a 12 year age gap, same way round, together for 9 years now.

HerBeX · 09/06/2011 19:46

I agree that so long as the couple want the same things out of the relationship, there's no reason whatsoever why it can't be long term.

My aunt is 10 years older than my uncle, they've been married over 50 years.

Original poster

AmItooOld · 09/06/2011 21:54

I think what I'm most worried about is the wrinkly bit but he's a few pounds overweight and concerned that may put me off!

I think if I can live in the moment and just see how we get on, it could be fun and who knows what's around the corner anyway. Will def keep the lights down very low when and if the bedroom beckons!

OP posts:

sunshineandbooks · 09/06/2011 22:25

My XH was 17 years older than me and no one batted an eyelid at that. WE eventually split up but he was a nice guy and the age gap had nothing to do with it. The older woman/younger man relationship is deeply affected by sexism so don't let narrowmindedness put you off it is doesn't bother you in particular.

My friend's partner is 13 years her junior. I don't even notice any more.

I think HerBex raises a good point about children, but that could apply even if you were the same age as him so it's not really about the age gap/

If you're both happy with it and it's otherwise a meeting of minds/bodies so what?

perfumedlife · 09/06/2011 23:33

God, as the song says, Enjoy yourself, it's later than we think! ( and I don't mean in reference to your age, just life is short, grab happiness with both hands)

There will always be people who comment, raise eyebrows. They usually go off to bed with their partner of choice, so you should too.

HerBeX · 09/06/2011 23:37

Oh god if that's all that's bothering you, go for it. You'll have a whale of a time and won't even think about the wrinkly bits ....

Helltotheno · 09/06/2011 23:40

Sure go for it! Love younger men myself

So what if it doesn't last? It's obvious from even reading threads on MN that lots of relationships don't last regardless of age. Go for it.. have some fun!

TeamLemon · 09/06/2011 23:41

Use the formula!
Half your age + 7 years.
(26.5 yr + 7yr = 33.5years)

38 is not too young, 33 and a half is!

HerBeX · 09/06/2011 23:43

Oh well according to your formula, my most recent lover was too young for me... lucky I didn't notice.

ExpatMummyInOz · 09/06/2011 23:52

My mum and step-dad are celebrating 30 years together this year - and Mum is 11 years older than he is.

My sis has just married a lovely bloke 15 years younger than she is - 22 to her 37!

Stop worrying about the age gap and just enjoy it, see where it goes. He's nearly 40, for Gawd's sake - not exactly a toy-boy! :o

TheTruthNothingButTheTruth · 10/06/2011 11:04

For him it is all about GILF factor and once he has shagged you sensless he will be gone looking for another. This isnt long term and in the shorter term if you want to have loads of shagging and fun then continue but be ready for the dump that will inevitably happen.

HerBeX · 10/06/2011 12:27

That's such a load of crap TheTruth. You are assuming that this arrangement won't suit the OP. Perhaps she will be the one to tire of her lover. Or just perhaps, they might get on for 30 years. The OP hasn't given enough info to know whether this is a pleasant interlude or a serious long term relationship. But I do hate this idea that if an older woman is with a younger man, she is inevitably destined to have her heart broken by him, because she's supposed to be looking for a serious long term relationship which he won't deliver. Firstly he may deliver, secondly, she may not be looking for serious. Either way, nothing is inevitable, it all depends on the two people concerned.

Original poster

AmItooOld · 10/06/2011 12:58

GILF? Is that granny?? :) Nothing in life is inevitable as I have found. Anyway, am not looking for a life partner as have done all that and am past child-bearing. If he wants kids (and we haven't discussed it), then obviously it won't last but I really don't expect relationships to last anyway.

I'm just looking for someone I can enjoy in the now and take it as it comes. As many posters have pointed out there are no certainities in life. It's my insecurities about my physical appearance that bother me more than anything but only because I'm older than him. I know I'm in good nick for my age and can still turn the odd head :)

OP posts:

CandiceMariePratt · 10/06/2011 13:03

My dear mother aged 68 is seeing a man 20 years younger than she is. To start with I was a bit , but am getting used to it now and they do seem very happy. Go for it and have fun I say.

heleninahandcart · 10/06/2011 13:26

It depends what you want from a relationship. If it really is about the here and now, just go for it. Men really do not care about the things we think they do. He will be far more worried about his own attributes!

If you want something much more, then have a chat with him. Nothing wrong with getting all this out in the open, knowing what you are getting into on both sides.

An enjoy yourselves.

begonyabampot · 10/06/2011 14:24

probably wouldn't be for me unless I really was just looking for some short term fun. Depends on how confident you are though, i was never that confident with guys and that age gap would have had me wondering when i was going to get too old for him, i'd always be waiting for things to go wrong and starting with an age gap like that wouldn't help. If you are confident though and generally know what you want then that might be different.

parabec · 12/07/2011 21:29

Did you ever venture to a date?. my DP is 15 years younger than me, which horrified me at first.
Id been out of my marriage for 8 months when we met at a friends 18th birthday party and after a dance and a short kiss i must admit i left without saying goodnight and thought no more of it.we met again at a pub quizz where i still had no intention of taking it further. I was 33 and he was 18 !. However we chatted over FB and i just remember the line "what have you got to lose?" which came from him when he asked me out, and i thought well nothing. I could have a fun night, so i went. To cut an already long story short, we have been happy for nearly 2 years now and have lived together for the past year. I certainly had nothing to lose and if in the future it ended (which i must admit has happened to me in the past with a marriage to someone of a similar age) I would not be sorry and would not regret anything . :)

LuckyMrsT · 12/07/2011 21:38

OP please ignore NothingButTheTruth - being dumped is not inevitable (although you also seem not to expect much, which is ).

Children are the only real issue. Enjoy yourselves and see where this exciting adventure leads you both.

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