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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH is more in love with me than ever, but I am falling out of love with him more every day.

59 replies

redrollers · 09/06/2011 12:03

I know I don't want our relationship anymore.
I don't like the person he is, the person he has become. He's very self absorbed, he is very selfish, he earns a lot of money, but doesn't think of that as family money, so does what he wants with it. He's just got a pay rise, but I know if I suggest he puts more money into the joint account, he will moan. So I will continue to worry about money, while he has it coming out of his ears
He irritates the hell out of me, he is becoming more and more physically repulsive to me.
I am putting off sex more and more, and now my body is refusing to respond.
He works away a lot, and works long hours, but he has recently been making more of an effort to be home to see DS.
We are going on holiday for 10 days next week. I am dreading it

I have just helped him through a very stressful period in work, and he keeps calling me his rock.. behind every man etc etc. He seems to have finally realised how good for him I am.

He is very thick skinned and hasn't noticed anything really.

How can I end it, I'm going to break his heart.
And DS, but I know it's not going to work

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 09/06/2011 12:05

if he is in love with you why woud he not happily share your joint money?
stop sleeping with him until you have spoken to him, it just makes you resnt him more and that is not his fault (unless he is forcing you)

buzzsore · 09/06/2011 12:18

If it would really break his heart then maybe a last ditch attempt to save it would be forthcoming if you told him you want to leave? If he contributed more financially and emotionally, could you see yourself liking him more again? If you can, maybe relationship counselling? I would also as dropdeadfred says stop having sex with him in the interim, as while you are feeling so repulsed & resentful, it will only make things worse.

If you're sure there's no reversal of your feelings possible, then you have to start making plans to leave or to ask him to go. I'd talk to a solicitor to find out what your options are.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 09/06/2011 12:23

He doesn';t 'love' you. Stop feeling guilty. He has noticed that you are restive and unhappy, he doesn't want to lose his domestic service mechanism, so he's trying the 'I love you' button: push it a few times and normal service will continue.
He keeps you short of money and attention and expects regular meals and sex when he wants it. He's a misogynistic waste of space.

buzzsore · 09/06/2011 12:24

I don't think my first sentence was very coherent. What I meant to say was, if he really loves you, maybe realising he's on the verge of losing you would make him change his behaviour. If he could & did, would that change be enough to make the marriage salvageable?

Anniegetyourgun · 09/06/2011 12:26

What heart?

QuintessentialOldMoo · 09/06/2011 12:29

I echo Annie, what heart?

cathkidstonbag · 09/06/2011 12:29

I totally empathise with you. Sounds like my DH only as time has gone by he has become more controlling.
If you really don't think there's any love anymore then leaving is probably the best option. Why don't you make a last ditch attempt next week on holiday. Might not work - we went away last Oct and didn't speak for the first week of our holiday as he upset me so much on the journey! Mind you he tells everyone that was the best holiday we've ever had and has no recollection of any bad feeling!!! Thick skinned indeed.
You don't have to love somebody just because they love you but maybe if you tried counselling you might feel that at least you had tried?

Original poster

redrollers · 09/06/2011 12:31

I can't remember when it was good.
I think maybe I just thought I loved him

I think counselling could work, but I just think about sitting there and saying the things I feel. It's so horrible.

It's not really about money, only in the sense that he sees himself as the earner, and is resentful that I have had 4 years off

I earned money from home in first 2 years being a SAHM, enough to cover my previous salary, and again recently contracting for 6 months but because I don't trudge out every day on the tube, he is resentful. He wouldn't dare say it anymore, but it's what he feels

I don't know what I want from this thread.
It's just coming to crisis point, cos I thought I would be able to hide it- hoping things got better, but now if I don't want sex with him, I can't hide it from him anymore.

OP posts:

cathkidstonbag · 09/06/2011 12:35

Redrollers - try counselling on your own then? I wanted my DH to go to marriage counselling, he refused as he was happy and didn't see any problem! So I go on my own, started last week. My situation is more complicated as there is a (lying tosser knobhead of a)OM involved but nonetheless it feels good to sit down and tell someone how messed up my 20 years of marriage have been. And to try and find an answer to it all. Best money I've ever spent on myself, my DH doesn't know I go tho.

TheCrackFox · 09/06/2011 12:37

Well, you could try couples counselling but TBH it sounds like it is too late for that. Have you thought about going to counselling on your own to help you decide what you want from your life?

Original poster

redrollers · 09/06/2011 12:39

He won't change. I have had a serious conversation with him about these disgusting habits he has, and how much it really makes me feel sick, and he hasn't stopped. he does what he wants to do.
SGB, that's a hell of an insight you've got there. You got all that from my comment about money? Seriously?

Annie, and Quintessential, you think he is heartless because he won't share his money?
Is that it?
I'd be happy to think that he didn't love really love me. That he was playing some angle

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QuintessentialOldMoo · 09/06/2011 12:55

Yes, I stand by that comment. He is heartless, or lacking in empathy, selfish, whatever, as he is happy to keep you struggling with money and worry over it, whereas he is making lots of it, and is happy to spend on himself, and rather do this, than share with you and take your worries away. He RATHER keep his money, than you. And as you have already spoken about it, and he still wants to keep his money to himself, he is telling you that his money is worth more to him than you. So, heartless. Not love. Love is not keeping your money to yourself while your partner worries over finances. Love is sharing.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/06/2011 13:00

Yes, seriously, what they said. It's easy to tell someone you love them. Actors do it all the time. But words don't mean a lot when not backed up with actions. The money is just one indicator of his self-centred nature. I don't believe a person like that loves anyone but themselves.

buzzsore · 09/06/2011 13:06

He may call it love, but he may have no real understanding of what the word actually means or entails.

See, I'd never keep dh worried about something I could easily solve. But that's what he does to you, because he feels entitled to 'his' money while you have to worry & struggle. I mean, I wouldn't do that to someone I even liked, let alone someone I claim to love - would you?

chris123456 · 09/06/2011 13:24

What disgusting habits? They could be key, rather than money.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/06/2011 13:38

redrollers

He's already broken you heart by acting as he does, I would not worry yourself unduly about possibly breaking his if you leave as controlling men do not let go of their victims easily.

You need to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

I would also be seeking legal advice regarding your position here if you were to separate.

Financial abuse as he is practising is abusive behaviour; all controlling behaviours like these are abusive in nature. He knows all too well what he is doing and he does not care about you at all. Words are cheap, actions always speak louder than words.

Joint counselling is a complete no in these circumstances due to the ongoing nature of his abuses.

Original poster

redrollers · 09/06/2011 14:09

I can't believe that I didn't see it. Of course, consciously or subconsciously he knows my heart isn't in it, so in turn he increases the "I love you's" in an attempt to stop me breaking away.

Clever

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 09/06/2011 14:24

Clever, perhaps, but not original. In fact it's quite well documented.

strawberryjelly · 09/06/2011 16:21

But if you are married all his money is yours as well- it's legally half yours.

What's all the crap about not letting you have access to it? what financial arrnagements do you have?

Smum99 · 09/06/2011 17:28

How long have you been together? I think resentment can kill off any feelings for someone. .You resent him due to this meanness with money, he's resentful because he works and commutes. Is he caring or considerate in any other ways?

fuzzpigFriday · 09/06/2011 17:43

If he really loves you, he will be willing to try to change. Give it a chance. Write everything down and talk.

Original poster

redrollers · 09/06/2011 18:55

This feels like something out of a movie. Quite chilling.

OP posts:

Karbea · 09/06/2011 19:16

It makes me really sad to hear everyone suggest you give up so quickly. Either get counselling or sit down together with a bottle of wine and have a proper chat, if you are his rock he'll listen, you need to be each others rocks it's not one way. But don't give up so quickly without working on it.

AnyFucker · 09/06/2011 19:24

brilliant post from sgb there

his "love" sounds like control

he financially abuses you

he keeps you hooked with empty words of "love"

listen, I love you

I love you

I don't even know you, but I say the words with ease

empty words, when not backed up by actions

he makes your skin crawl ?

time to make your exit, why hang on ?

Original poster

redrollers · 09/06/2011 21:33

Smum99, no I wouldn't say he is caring or considerate.
He doesn't do anything for me.
Anything I ask him to do turns into a moan.

The money thing is a bit of a red herring I think. He gets paid and then transfers x amount into a joint account. He thinks it just covers the basics, but in reality there is plenty left over. He never looks at joint account or his own account. But if he does he will make a comment that I put household stuff through there, whereas he would pay that out if his own personal account. E.g, his dry cleaning, or petrol, or lunch together.
I haven't worked for 2 months, but I am still putting a similar amount into the joint account.
He made a comment the other day that he wanted a new front door with his payrise money, and I said I would like to get some cupboards under the stairs, and he said "well, when you go back to work, we can do that" I know he has the money to do both, and then some.

I need to talk to him because my funds from last job aren't going to last much longer, and he will have to revert to payment when I was sahm, but there's going to be grief. He could afford 5x the payment.

OP posts:

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