DH is more in love with me than ever, but I am falling out of love with him more every day.

[redrollers]

I know I don't want our relationship anymore.
I don't like the person he is, the person he has become. He's very self absorbed, he is very selfish, he earns a lot of money, but doesn't think of that as family money, so does what he wants with it. He's just got a pay rise, but I know if I suggest he puts more money into the joint account, he will moan. So I will continue to worry about money, while he has it coming out of his ears
He irritates the hell out of me, he is becoming more and more physically repulsive to me.
I am putting off sex more and more, and now my body is refusing to respond.
He works away a lot, and works long hours, but he has recently been making more of an effort to be home to see DS.
We are going on holiday for 10 days next week. I am dreading it

I have just helped him through a very stressful period in work, and he keeps calling me his rock.. behind every man etc etc. He seems to have finally realised how good for him I am.

He is very thick skinned and hasn't noticed anything really.

How can I end it, I'm going to break his heart.
And DS, but I know it's not going to work

Everyone looks at my life and thinks it's wonderful, little do they know, that apart from ds, it's pretty shit

I'd tell him that your money has run out and put it somewhere very safe ready for when you leave.

I have funds set aside for that already cargirl!

Why don't you just divorce him and then you'll get half

what are you hanging on for then ?

Because it's really easy to leave, obviously

My question was a general question, not a "why aren't you packing your bags right this minute?" question

You have said you don't want to be with him. You say it isn't going to work. You don't like him and you don't love him. You find him physically repulsive. He doesn't treat you fairly or like you matter. You would be ok financially if you were to end it.

So, I repeat, why are you hanging on to this relationship ?

I guess because I'm only just coming to terms with the fact that it's not going to change and I can't make it better
I have thought for a while that it might get better.
And I believed in my marriage vows.
I also don't now whether I am giving up at the first hurdle, how long do I try and make it better?
And it's only this thread that has made me think that he doesn't love me as much as he declares. and everyone on here saying there is no hope.
And DS loves his daddy

And I know he will make it difficult, I know there will be a scene, and it will get bitter and nasty
And I would not be ok financially at all. I have enough for deposit for flat if I had to leave, I have no income right now and there is no guarantee that he would give me any money at all.
Yes there is the CSA, but in the meantime? He earns in excess of the higher limit, would you believe?!

So, apologies, if I'm not running off to sort out my leaving plan, but I need time to think about it

Personally, I'm all for trying everything to work things out in a marriage. But when you get to a point where you find your partner repulsive, I very much doubt that there's any going back from that. I've been angry at DH, I've not liked him very much sometimes, but deep down I've always loved him. You don't love this man. That is the beginning and end of it. Life really is too short to waste it on stagnant, dead relationships. Your DS will still love his daddy, regardless of whether you stay in the marriage. You don't have to leave right this second, but I think it's probably time to start making plans.

You mentioned nasty habits up thread - you are clearly pretty disgusted by what ever habits these are. Is there any point in spelling these out one last time and saying there are no promises you're staying - but before you start to think more about that, these repulsive actions must stop, and that this is not negotiable?

You don't have to apologise for thinking about things. But my questions were designed to make you think not an attempt to compel you into immediate action. A common misconception, it seems, so my apologies for making it look like I was badgering you

I also think that fear of him becoming nasty/making it difficult for you were you to end it, is all the more reason for you to set those particular wheels in motion, not a disincentive to do so

here's the habits, you ready?!
farting.. his diet is terrible... he actually tries not to do this in front of me now
blowing his nose, it makes me jump out of my skin. so loud
and then he always looks at the tissue, not discretely
He picks his feet, and sometimes puts it in his mouth
he picks his ears with the arm of his glasses
and when he eats it's like he's in a race, and he does this heavy breathing throughout it
and every night before we go to bed, he goes for a poo in the ensuite bathroom, why can't he go to the other bathroom? Inconsiderate.

I'm going to throw up now
I think I may have convinced myself

Just a thought ...

I know you are saying that the money is not the real issue but ...

You could try having a totally joint income. Just as a try. It's said a great deal on relationships threads but anger and resentment and just downright dislike very often has a very rational basis, and very often the root of it is inequality.

It kind of follows that attacking the inequality can be good for your relationship. Kind of a CBT-style approach. So, for example, he could try compromising on those bad habits (what are they?) and you could try having a totally joint income.

The discussion you two might have on the issue might also be enlightening/give clarity.

All of that is couched as "maybe" and "perhaps".

It's probably worth a go just because it's cheaper than either Relate or separation.

I would, if I were you, make a mark on the calendar, some months ahead of now, as a reminder that that is your "thinking day", when you will take a moment or two to reflect on where you are - whether things have improved or not. Otherwise it is very possible to wake up in 10 years time and discover you have been sleepwalking through a large chunk of life.

See you've posted the habits.

Well, the thing is not the habits themselves but rather that they are upsetting to you (they are if you are seriously considering leaving over them) and he's not listening to you.

RR - he obviously didn't do those things when you were first together otherwise he'd have never made first base. Can you just say to him that every element you have listed must be eliminated from his repertoire as from today - never to return, may allow the odd accidental trump, but only if as a reult of a high fibre diet.

The habits aren't the point though are they. OP's reaction of disgust and literally wanting to throw up, shows contempt. Don't get me wrong it sounds gross, but your reactions show that the bigger problem is him, and you're still gonna feel the same whether he stops farting or not...Personally I think you should get out asap, easier said than done obv but life's too short.

You had a chat about his revolting habits and he hasn't changed. an ounce. a sausage. Doesn't bode well, does it?
But give him once last chance. sit him down and tell it to him straight. as you have done on this thread.
In a kind of 'men are from mars, women are from venus, caveman way, i am so upset I am going to leave you, do you get this, comprende ?' type way.'
after that. I guess you pack your bags. or better still, pack his !!

Whether you?re finished or not the behaviours need sorting. You?re not asking for manners that he isn?t capable of ? just behaviours that frankly anyone is entitled to expect ? it?s very difficult to love a slob and you don?t need to and won?t; and you don?t want your son copying. No promises but he has to smarten up now ? be on perfect best behaviour during the holiday and maintain that for ever more. Let him know that this might not be enough but at least you might be able to respect him a little more.

sorry, but am laughing at your 'his disgusting habits list'.
I do most of those. As does dh.
apart from the picking feet and ears.
whats wrong with farting. or going for a pooh ?

Best you don't come and live with me !!

Lol at the disgusting habits! Aren't mostl men like that?!?!
But I think when you find those things unbearably repulsive, it means you don't fancy him any more cos if you did, you wouldn't notice em.

As for the money stuff, what kind of sh1ite is that? If you're married, his money should ALL be going into your joint account, it belongs to both of you and that 's it, full stop. He is controlling you, even it it's subtle. I agree with SCGB. It isn't a red herring, it's just another form of control. I wouldn't downplay it cos these things usually get worse over time.

I don't know, counselling maybe? A big long chat where you tell him what disgusts you about him?

"Lol at the disgusting habits! Aren't mostl men like that?!?!"

I bloody 'ope not.

Are you nitpicking about his habits?

As someone said many men do that.

Maybe I should divorce mine on that basis: he farts in front of me but admits he doesn't at work. he picks his nose and he leaves skid marks in the loo despite me asking him to look behind , flush twice and use the bleach that's in there.
Are all men so revolting I wonder?

Anyway- back to yours. Why the kerfuffle over money? why don't you put it all into your joint account? We do. Every bill comes out of it and we buy what we each want as well for ourselves.

Total transparency.

we have though each got our own savings accounts for ISAs etc.

I can't decide whether you are really unhappy or just having a good moan.

How long have you given him to "change"? he may well love you- I know he has to do the actions to prove it but behavioural change can take time even with the best of intentions.

I don't want to go to sleep smelling his poo, thank you very much. He can't contain it in the bathroom, I just think it would be considerate to use another toilet, I do.
I know some of the habits are normal, but I just think that as I have asked him not to do them, he should stop himself. The ears and the feet are particularly gross. His feet are awful.
He's not a slob, he's clean and well groomed.

I know it's a build up of everything, the habits themselves could be laughable if I liked him.
He's also really boring, he has become obsessed with work and gas to tell me every detail, over and over.
Maybe I'm just moaning.
But it feels like a big deal to me.

I guess I will just hope for the best on holiday, and then take it from there.
We haven't actually been together for this long on hols before. God help me.

The things he does annoy you because you do not LIKE him let alone love him.

The person he as grown into is not the person you married, whilst he has become complacent and settled, you youself have moved on with your feelings.

You fell out of love. Familiarity breeds contempt and contempt is what you feel for him now nothing else.

You cannot sleep with him because you feel nothing anything you felt has gone.

Make a plan. Save some of that left over money. YOu can claim benefits if you rent a place, you need a months deposit and a month in advance, then claim housing benefit if you are not working, you can get child tax credit for your child too.

Use the system there is already in place to sort your life out.

Remember no one should live in an unhappy relationship and ultimately it will cause problems for you child. Children need to be in a happy atmospere that can be with one parent.

Mine never suffered through having no live at home father or male role model.

Thanks Fabby
I think it's really difficult to explain the exact situation and get over your pov.
I think I'm resigned to the fact that I will have to finish it.