Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Whoops!!

71 replies

lovelydaisies1 · 08/06/2011 01:23

After having a really nice evening, bottles of wine, fun and lovely close chats. What do I go and do? Tell my DP (in graphic detail) about the first time I ever had a direct encounter with a willy, albeit 20 years ago! It's totally done his head in and he says he can't get the image out of his head. I absolutely adore him, we've been together 4 years and I feel like an absolute idiot and slag!! He's just being honest about the way it's made him feel but he says it's etched in his brain and now he's finding it hard to get intimate. Yikes. At the time I think I thought it was like a bonding thing, him knowing everything about me but in actual fact it was a disaster. What can I do :(

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 08/06/2011 01:27

Give him a BJ - that should help clear his mind! Grin

Apart from that, not a lot really. It's up to him to process it and sort it out - if it still bothers him in the morning, then he might need to talk to someone about it - but in all seriousness he'll probably get over it quite quickly.

And don't do it again!

Original poster
lovelydaisies1 · 08/06/2011 01:31

I already tried that one, it was my first port of call!! It didn't bloody work, he didn't want it, must be bad?! I think it'll be ok. It's just one of those cringe factor scenarios aswell. What was I thinking. Will not do it again, definately not.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 08/06/2011 01:36

Sorry, I did a bit that you already tried the BJ and he rejected it! It must have been bad, what you told him!

I'm sure it will fade in his mind quickly enough, honestly - just try and forget about it, never bring it up again or it will remind him. This means NO MENTIONING IT. EVER again. Not even to ask if he's forgotten about it yet. Because he probably will have until you mention it again.

Original poster
lovelydaisies1 · 08/06/2011 01:44

Good advice. I'll get my best below the knee floral dress on. Pin my hair back. No make up and act like a model wife (with no sexual history). Never again will I give him the impression that my fair hands have touched anyone other than him. Then, when the storm has died down I'll have to try the old BJ trick, just to make sure it's all ok Wink

OP posts:
merrywidow · 08/06/2011 07:08

I would remind yourself that its probably not a good idea to disclose this sort of info but don't go trying to make him feel better, why on earth is he so 'worried' about this as it was twenty years ago; I'd be questioning it from that POV once I'd apologised with sincerity

lookingfoxy · 08/06/2011 07:11

MW, we don't know the amount of detail used, her dp could have been holding the vomit back Grin

AKissIsNotAContract · 08/06/2011 07:14

I Thibk he's being an idiot. Did he expect you to be a virgin?

ITHOTM · 08/06/2011 07:39

I'm just curious what OP could have said to make him react like that. [nosey]

ClangingBangers · 08/06/2011 07:55

Yes, what on earth did you tell him??? Unless it was something like squeezing the willy with hot irons until the bloke was screaming and needed hospitalising, or, say, biting it so hard he needed surgery.....I too would be wondering why he has reacted so badly.

We NEED to know! Grin

dearprudence · 08/06/2011 07:59

Did you tell him it was bigger/harder/prettier than his?

Otherwise, very graphic stories aside (thank you Clanging!) he's overreacting.

And why slag?

MilkandWine · 08/06/2011 08:02

I'm confused as to why your husband is reacting so badly tbh. Did he think yours was the only willy he had ever seen or something?

Like others have said, unless you placed aforementioned willy in a toilet roll full of sandpaper, he really needs to get over it. I would apologise the once for disclosing something that has upset him. But I would also point out that you NEVER thought he would react in such a way. If he keeps bringing it up after that like you are the whore of babylon or something then frankly he is being ridiculous.

He sounds rather sexually repressed to me? is he or is this behaviour out of character?

MilkandWine · 08/06/2011 08:03

Good point Dearprudence why are you saying you feel like a slag? If it is because your husband has called you one then HE needs to be the one doing the grovelling!

baguettecut · 08/06/2011 08:17

Everyone has a history if they're of a certain age - I'd say there are some self esteem issues if he can't handle discussing stuff that went on ages ago.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/06/2011 08:27

OK, you misjudged that one, but IMO it's reasonable enough to assume that when you've been together with someone for four years they could handle a bit of steamy reminiscence. I wouldn't have wanted to hear about XH's doings with xgf's - which he did sometimes vouchsafe unto me, hypocrite that he was, but not in detail - and it might have put a bit of a damper on the mood of the evening, but not more than that. Your DP sounds like he's being awfully precious.

Omigawd · 08/06/2011 08:35

The OP's real surname isn't Bobbitt is it :o

ITHOTM · 08/06/2011 08:53

Hehehee

Original poster
lovelydaisies1 · 08/06/2011 16:07

Thanks for the support guys!! TBH I don't know why he reacted so badly. He didn't call me a slag, he's a really gentle lovely man, he'd never do that. He's a thinker though which I like cause he's interesting and interested. About the detail....well, I basically told him it was one of my sisters friends, a couple of years older and he got his lad out, which seemed huge (cringe), and he told me how to pleasure him!!!!! Not great. The jist of the story was that I didn't like it and was a bit shocked by it, I was about 14-15yrs old. What adds a different spin to the story and is making me feel bad is that his X was a virgin when they met, at the age of 20 and they were together about 15years. I bet he loved the fact he was her first and I'm hating the fact he thinks badly of me. Somehow I've managed to turn it around and I actually feel pissed off with him now for making me feel bad. I think we need to sweep the whole cock affair under the carpet!! It surely can't be making him feel inadequate because I lavish him with compliments, genuine ones, becuase in my vast experience of willies, the wicked willy handler that I am, his is the best!!!

OP posts:
Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit · 08/06/2011 16:16

Someone else more articulate than I will be along soon but - he's angry with you for being taken advantage of at 14? Really?

He was clearly not a virgin when you met, so why should he expect you to be? Huge double standard and completely unfair.

Gettingthere1 · 08/06/2011 16:48

Hi, Thats interesting we confess and have chatted about all of our sexual partners mainly because we wanted to be informed should be bump into any of them living in a small town. Oddly the only one that makes hubby rage is an older bloke that took advantage of me when I was (shall we say v young) He says thats despicable. As for his past partners I hate em all lol !!!

Omigawd · 08/06/2011 17:01

Just a thought - I know when I was young a lot of the boys I knew thought that the "dickheads" got all the attention, and there was some resentment from "nice guys" about this as it was probably true (In my experience the dickheads were more confident and just more likely to try it on).

But this may remind him of that whole "why was I a nice guy" thing, but it really should be over after 15 years.

ITHOTM · 08/06/2011 17:48

Great point from Omigawd. As a guy, I know we give sex (as an act) more status, in the context of a relationship, than it deserves.

My DW has had more partners than me (both single figures though), and we've had conversations that were pretty vanilla but still have left me thinking things like:

"Were any of them better than me? Does she still think about any of them? Is she just with me now for the 'nice guy' stuff, now she's had her fill of greasy ramrod action?"

Which, when you think about it again rationally, is complete nonsense. But there you go, that's what we're like. We perpetually worry that everyone else is better at it than we are, is getting it more often with more people etc etc - and the worst thought is that that's all happened to your OH in the past and you're just there to settle down with.

Solution? He'll get over it. But it might help for you to bypass his old feller next time you're frisky - get him to attend to you by other means. He won't be thinking about willies then (or he shouldn't be anyway...) and eventually he'll break and want a piece of the action. We're very predictable like that.

AnyFucker · 08/06/2011 17:54

Your partner sounds like an immature idiot

Don't you dare change your own behaviour or try and re-write your own sexual history because he has managed to make you feel bad about it

If a partner of mine made me feel ashamed of something I had done (or more specifically, something I had done to me ) he would no longer be my partner

smallnotfaraway · 08/06/2011 17:55

"He was clearly not a virgin when you met, so why should he expect you to be? Huge double standard and completely unfair."

I don't think that's the problem, Sausages. The OPs description does not sound like she enjoyed her first encounter, in fact, she says she didn't like it, and had also been taken advantage of at a young age. I think he's simply upset that the OPs first experience was not nice and romantic, compared to, say, his first gf's, or his own perhaps.

Thinking back to my own very unpleasant (admittedly more extremely so) first encounter upsets me, but when I told my dh about it, he was very prepared for the topic under discussion. If I'd just told him out of the blue on a romantic evening, I think he may have reacted in a similar way.

AnyFucker · 08/06/2011 18:01

Let me get this straight then

Do people think it is reasonable that this bloke is spitting the dummy out over an unpleasant (and it sounds like coercive, borderline abusive) encounter that happened to his partner years ago ?

He is "finding it hard to get intimate" ?

Diddums

Perhaps his sympathies and so-called squeamishness could be saved for that teenage girl, instead of his own wilting dick ?

BalloonSlayer · 08/06/2011 18:04

I think HE has let YOU down actually.

You tell him of a rather upsetting encounter being coerced into a sexual encounter when under age and his reaction to get all wounded?

The appropriate reaction would be to give you a cuddle and ask if it still upset you.

Arse.