Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

help please dh been on porn site.

58 replies

twinkletoes111 · 07/06/2011 22:02

Ok so I know theres a similar thread already but...
tonight ive logged on to my computer and have found a porn site in the history while I was looking for something else. Obviously it wasnt me or my DS so its dh.
Weve been going through a rocky stage anyway, my ds is sn so my time is spent with him and his continious needs day and night, so im always tired and quite often if ds isnt ill I am from being run down. We do have a sex life but dh has a very high sex drive and hes been getting quite angry (not physically) and upset that we are not doing it enough.
He has done this before and watch porn on tv, he knows how I feel about it. ATM my stomach is churning Sad hes due home from work in 20mins so am going to have it out with him again.
Theres so much more like hes never affectionate, never interested in doing family things, he acts differently around his mate than he does me and a few months back I was seriously considering breaking up but I got married for it to last not end up divorced. I love him so much I just dont know what to do.

OP posts:
SueTheSlut11 · 07/06/2011 22:08

twinkletoes111

Seriously, is it really such a big issue? Men have always and always will look at porn.

Nullius · 07/06/2011 22:14

It depends really, if he knows how you feel about it already.

Suetheslut - that is an ufair comment, some women find porn very degrading and offensive, and some women are just made to feel damn well inadequate by it. This "porn is normal" attitude is part of the problem.

If you have told him you are anit porn, then this is a problem I think. If not, you need to have a proper chat about it and explain it just isnt on, especially leaving it so obvious on the computer. How old is DS?

FabbyChic · 07/06/2011 22:14

Honey it is no reflection on you, I understand how some feel about porn but it is only moving images it is not a threat to your relationship, which would you prefer he had an affair?

My ex had 50 porn mags under the bed and ten films. Sometimes I would watch them on my own!

Nullius · 07/06/2011 22:14

anti porn that should read

Thingumy · 07/06/2011 22:16

Just talk (try and be calm),put your point across and hopefully you'll both listen to each other.

Maybe if he will agree,you could try some couple counselling?

Good luck

SueTheSlut11 · 07/06/2011 22:17

Nullius

I was merely trying to assure the OP that it isn't the end of the world or her marriage. Did not wish to offend.

Original poster
twinkletoes111 · 07/06/2011 22:22

He knows that I dont like porn I have told him and he knows why, but for him that obviously hasnt changed anything.
I have 3 ds's both under 6 -only eldest uses my computer. So I know it wasnt him.
dh knnows how to use the in private browsing etc so it was probably a slip up on his behalf.
Its dh's whole sttitude too like he thinks just cause hes up for it ive got to be and its like he expects me to be something out of the things he watches, he cant accept me for being me, maybe thats whats upsetting me most?
Nullius of corse id not rather him have an affair, I know he hasnt and i'd like to think he wouldnt but if he does this behind my back knowing how upset I would be then I coulnd say for definate that he wouldnt -if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
twinkletoes111 · 07/06/2011 22:22

*course

OP posts:
Beaaware · 07/06/2011 22:23

Try this book:

WHY MEN WANT SEX & WOMEN NEED LOVE by ALLAN & BARBARA PEASE

men are basically driven by their dicks, it's in the book!

Original poster
twinkletoes111 · 07/06/2011 22:24

I will try and talk but I knnow how it goes...hes quite kid like at times and will deny it first, then admit it then get angry at me for it. Any arguement always end up being my fault because we dont have enough sex.

OP posts:
Original poster
twinkletoes111 · 07/06/2011 22:24

thanks beaaware will take a look, anything to help Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
twinkletoes111 · 07/06/2011 22:25

sorry my typing is all over the place, cause hes due home any minute. so trying to reply before I have to log off or it kicks off.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 07/06/2011 22:27

Experimenting is something couples do, you do see things in porn that you would like to try, I see nothing wrong with that, the same sex for 20 years is boring for anybody, and variety is the spice of life.

You don't have to do what he wants but shouldn't be adverse to trying new ways of having fulfilling sex.

maleview70 · 07/06/2011 22:45

I don't know any man that doesn't watch porn from time to time. You can get it on your iPhone if you want to. It's so easily accessible. I remember my first ever film watched on video when video recorders had just come out was a swedish porn film that my mates dad had. I was 13. My other friends brother had a stash of Porn mags imported from Spain and they were really hard core. I found a few mags in my dads wardrobe and had access to many films from another friends dads house. All of this was between the ages of 13 and 16!

Porn is everywhere for a lad from a very early age and an aid to self enjoyment. Men don't get the turn on from reading erotic novels or fantasising like women do. We tend to like visual images.

I accept that some women don't like it and I can understand why but men are just made that way in my view.

eurochick · 07/06/2011 22:47

I really don't see this as a big issue. Hubby uses porn sometimes. I use porn sometimes. Sometimes we even look at it together.

You don't like it, but he does. Why should your view prevail? I'd find it quite controlling if my OH could dictate what I looked at on the internet/what I read, etc. And I wouldn't try to direct him in any way (within limits, e.g. if he started looking at kiddie stuff that would be a different matter of course).

Original poster
twinkletoes111 · 07/06/2011 22:57

Its not that im trying to tell him what to do, but what happened to mutual respect? Hes always doing what he wants when he wants so im far from controlling.
I feel strongly about it for my own personal reasons which ive explained to him.
Anyway hes completely denying it, so I dont see where to go from here. It wasnt me and definately wasnt ds which means I cant trust him because it had to be him.

OP posts:
lookingfoxy · 07/06/2011 23:01

You can't lower his sex drive, so isn't a bit of occasional porn his compromise in respecting that you don't want to have sex as much as him?
Because lets face it, it would be much more preferable to be with a real live person, so he is downgrading in a way, so as to respect you in a way.... does that make sense.

PrinceHumperdink · 07/06/2011 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TakeItOnTheChins · 07/06/2011 23:07

.

PrinceHumperdink · 07/06/2011 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerBeX · 07/06/2011 23:20

Christ who are all these Stepford Wives who think men are so stupid and basic that they are driven by their dicks?

If men are so fucking helplessly led by their sexual organs, how is it that they have managed to rule the fucking world for millenia?

Here's an article (by a man, who apparantly managed to find time to stop wanking and actually write it) which makes it sounds like actually, men aren't ruled by their dicks and are perfectly capable of making moral choices.

www.guardian.co.uk/science/the-lay-scientist/2011/jun/06/1

SueTheSlut11 · 07/06/2011 23:27

HerBeX

Sorry, was just about to read it, until I noticed it was the Guardian. Oh fucking dear.

AyeRobot · 07/06/2011 23:33

Ask him what he thinks about this article

ALCS · 07/06/2011 23:42

Hi Twinkletoes111,

There are 2 issues. 1st is that you find porn degrading to women and 2nd is that your DH has a higher sex drive and chooses to masturbate whilst not "demanding" it from you. I have a high sex drive and so does my BF, but sometimes his is higher and sometimes mine. I know that he watches porn and he knows that I am too when we think that we want it more than the other person.

It's natural to express your sexuality by masturbation and whilst we women can imagine "things" guys need a visual stimulation. What would worry me is if my BF would PREFER to watch porn over having sex with me OR spending A LOT of time on porn whilst neglecting my needs for intimacy, cuddles etc. That would not be ok as his energy would be on porn rather than on our relationship.

I guess you can't have it both ways - you either have more sex (sometimes less, but more adventures and of a better quality will do the trick) or you let him enjoy his little hobby as long as he doesn't neglect you.

My BF for example prefers to have an intercourse with me rather than "help himself", but yet at times when he is bored at home he would search for things on the Internet. We do sometimes watch it together.

Good luck and pls don't stress so much as ALL men watch porn (or at least 90%) and masturbate to it, so it's not something uncommon. Most men who say they don't do it lie for many reasons mainly their no understanding partners.

ALCS

HerBeX · 07/06/2011 23:55

How do you think men managed to wank before the wide availability of visual porn ALCS? For millenia, men managed to wank well enough, without any porn at all, because they didn't have access to it. So this bollocks about needing something visual is jsut that - bollocks.

Stop telling the OP that her feelings aren't valid.

Swipe left for the next trending thread