help please dh been on porn site.

[twinkletoes111]

Ok so I know theres a similar thread already but...
tonight ive logged on to my computer and have found a porn site in the history while I was looking for something else. Obviously it wasnt me or my DS so its dh.
Weve been going through a rocky stage anyway, my ds is sn so my time is spent with him and his continious needs day and night, so im always tired and quite often if ds isnt ill I am from being run down. We do have a sex life but dh has a very high sex drive and hes been getting quite angry (not physically) and upset that we are not doing it enough.
He has done this before and watch porn on tv, he knows how I feel about it. ATM my stomach is churning hes due home from work in 20mins so am going to have it out with him again.
Theres so much more like hes never affectionate, never interested in doing family things, he acts differently around his mate than he does me and a few months back I was seriously considering breaking up but I got married for it to last not end up divorced. I love him so much I just dont know what to do.

ALCS, you haven't been victimised, you have been disagreed with.

There have only been widely available magazines, for about 100 -150 years. Before that, most men couldn't read and magazines were actually extremely expensive to produce and buy and porn was really very underground and quite rare. Even the "penny dreadfuls", the most widely distributed literature, didn't contain porn. Before the invention of the printing press, there was no such thing as magazines and most books were wildly expensive and only owned by the very rich. Porn has not been available for nearly all of human history, men have had to content themselves with their imaginations.

And as for the nonsense that men are visual and women aren't: why do teenagers have ppictures of JLS on their bedroom walls? because they admire their artistic integrity, or because they are all damned pretty? Who would you rather shag, Wayne Rooney or Johnny Depp? Hugh Hefner or George Clooney? Jeremy Paxman or Brad Pitt? Most of us would go for the visually atrractive ones, because we are as visual as men are - we are not a separate species.

The words used were not "mutual understanding" which I understand perfectly well thankyou, it was said she should compromise. Why?

And as for the porn, she wasnt expecting a bag of it on DVD as a "present" on the third fucking date!!

She showed some of them to me in horror. It was full on and hardcore, including one very disturbing one, that looked very amatuer. It was of a very young asian girl, chinese I think. Obviously I dont speak chinese so I dont know exactly what was said, but it certainly appeared she was meant to be meeting one guy and was shocked at being filmed and other guys being there. She was clearly coerced on the video. My friend sai to me "what do yoi think of this one? Its strange!" And I said that there was something very sinister about it, that it was definitley some sort of grooming going on. Whats worse is it was a copy, this guy had copied it for her so her knew what the fuck it was. Sick. She was trying to be all modern about it because thats whats expected from women these days, as we can see from comments on here.

"all men watch porn" "whats so upsetting about it" "is it such big deal" "We watch it together" as if you must be some fridgid prude if you dont.

He knows she doesnt want him watching it. So he shouldnt end of.

On these sorts of threads, all these women whose partners watch porn, come on to tell other women not to be upset about it, because they are desperate to convince themselves that their partners are just like all men and that there isn't a man in the world who is actually a decent human being who sees women as human and therefore doesn't watch porn.

They exist. And admitting they exist, would force them to face that the fact that the compromise they are making, is humiliating - they want to pretend they're not being humiliated by pretending that it's normal and they want all other women to accept the humiliation they do to validate their's.

Well guess what, it isn't normal, it isn't necessary to accept it and the reason women who claim that are so hated, is because we are forcing the women who accept their men's porn use, to raise the veil of denial ever so slightly ever so quickly. And that's painful. Sorry to cause pain to anyone. But you cannot be allowed to encourage other women to live in denial about their own feelings.

Oh dear. The words used were exactly "mutual understanding and compromise", to quote from myself directly for a second time!

And you totally dodged my point about the porn (presumably because you have no answer to it), preferring instead to divert attention by describing it in detail. If the porn was as you describe, no right-minded person would be anything other than disgusted by it. But the only reason you and your friend saw this unpleasant footage is that she was untrue to her feelings/values by "trying to be all modern about it" - which proves the age-old general point that if you try to be someone else, sooner or later you'll come unstuck!

Ooooh, ok, my mistake.

So she deserved to be exposed to abusive porn because she did what women like you suggest we all do, which is be ok about porn.

She didnt say "oh I love porn, lets get some!!" she said she was ok with porn, ie him watching it. Because thats what she felt she had to say.

I didnt dodge any question, and others did say what about compromise. I didnt directly quote from your comment anyway, so god knows why you feel you need to quote it back to me. It was a general feeling on the thread. If your husband wanking to younger, thinner prettier and often abused or groomed girls makes you feel you are in a "mutual" relationship, good for you. Some of us expect better.

I just love the way some women blame other women for not being "true to their values and feelings" when women are surrounded by messages telling them that their values and feelings are not valid.

Hi HerBeX,

I have already expressed my views about what I think the problem is in Twinkletoes111's relationship and it's not about whether men ar more "visual" than woman or not.

As much as we are the same we are also different in some ways and to say we are exactly the same is ignorant. BUT this is not about what you and I think about men and women, it should be about what is REALLY going on in their relationship.

If people love AND respect each other the communication shold be a key to solving problems. Unfortunately this is not the case and I said what I think is happening and I hope Twinkletoes111 can see things through, try and communicate and then make an informed decision as to where she is in her relationship and how she sees t going or not going forward.

Often we cannot change the other person. Unless they want to change themselves. It's harsh but true. So if she wants to be happy she can put all the point across, but if he still doesn't act maturely then it is up to her what she wants to do going forward. She can't force him to change, but she can change her life and leave. If course one would hope that he can be sensitive to her needs, but if he isn't it is up to her what to do.

But don't forget that it IS hard to have a higher sex drive than the other person. Perhaps she would be happy if he didn't use porn as a stimuli. Maybe this is their middle ground. They need to define what is best for BOTH of them, but it is somewhat unrealistic to expect he will not masturbate if he doesn't get enough (for him) sex. I also said that maybe improving on a quality would be an option. But I know how hard it is to "want" to have sex with someone who isn't an ideal partner, so I wouldn't think Twinkletoes111 is feeling very much up for it with him. Not surprising really. We do need a little romace after all! :)

I hope she can talk to him when he is not defensive and they can have a good heart to heart chat.

ALCS

ALCS, no one has suggested that he shouldn't masturbate if he doesn't get enough sex.

That would be totally unreasonable.

Wanking and using porn are 2 separate activities, they are not interchageable.