help please dh been on porn site.

[twinkletoes111]

Ok so I know theres a similar thread already but...
tonight ive logged on to my computer and have found a porn site in the history while I was looking for something else. Obviously it wasnt me or my DS so its dh.
Weve been going through a rocky stage anyway, my ds is sn so my time is spent with him and his continious needs day and night, so im always tired and quite often if ds isnt ill I am from being run down. We do have a sex life but dh has a very high sex drive and hes been getting quite angry (not physically) and upset that we are not doing it enough.
He has done this before and watch porn on tv, he knows how I feel about it. ATM my stomach is churning hes due home from work in 20mins so am going to have it out with him again.
Theres so much more like hes never affectionate, never interested in doing family things, he acts differently around his mate than he does me and a few months back I was seriously considering breaking up but I got married for it to last not end up divorced. I love him so much I just dont know what to do.

How come men get to be visual when it comes to looking at women, but not when it comes to looking at dirt? And for women it's supposedly the other way around?

Sounds like the load of old lazy thinking that it is.

If all the porn defenders actually bothered to read the OP properly, this is actually not about porn, although porn is the catalyst here.
Her husband is angry and shows no affection, it's easier for women to home in on the porn use and not deal with the partner's general behaviour in circumstances like these - his lack of concern over her distress at his porn use is merely a symptom of his lack of respect for her.

Telling a woman that all men use porn (which is bollox) and she should basically shut up and accept it , 'cos that's what men do, is shameful , some people really haven't got a fucking clue, it's like telling women that they should put up with DV because men are inherently violent.

Porn is harmful to a lot of relationships, there have been enough threads about the damage it does on here FFS.

Comparing porn use to DV - what a joke.

Anyway, in the real world... OP you might be better off operating a "don't ask, don't tell" policy with your DH's porn use. Especially if it gives him an outlet for sexual frustration.

If you are going through a rocky stage in the relationship then you need to address those issues. But until that's resolved, probably better not lay down the law regarding his private porn use.

FFS, I can't believe these responses. I don't know what I'm even doing on MN these days
OP, you are absolutely not alone in finding porn use by your husband, who knows your feelings about it, unacceptable. Your instincts are, I would say, good and valid; porn is not harmless, or victimless, and is unlikely to have no effect on your dh's relationship with you, or with women generally, IMO.
If these are YOUR instincts and feelings about it, you do not need to act against them, or put up with it, or tell yourself you're uptight or delusional in wanting something better. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO.
Jeez, I'm in a rush, and I feel strongly, and I'm not being very eloquent. Sorry. But I am one of those women who's seen the damage it can do, and I wish i'd felt storng enough to trust my real feelings and beliefs earlier.

OP while your dislike of porn is very understandable, you also say he is using it as an outlet for frustration because you have different sex drives, and that your relationship is already rocky. I think you need to decide what you want to fix more, in that the other ways he may relieve his sex drive are going to be far worse for your relationship.

I am one of those women who is experiencing the damage that secret porn use can do - OH has been a secret porn user and this secrecy made it so much easier for him to end up having an affair. The porn use meant that OH gradually changed his behaviour - he became less loving, less open and more distant.

I think the other issues in your marriage are quite large and the porn is the last straw?

It's obvious that by getting angry with you and blaming every issue in the marriage on lack of sex isn't actually going to make you want to have more sex with him. Lack of affection and attention outside of sex is also not going to make you feel like having more sex with him. Treating you badly(?) when he's with his mates is also disrespectful and won't make you want to have more sex with him. Looking up porn when he knows it sickens you will also not make you want to have more sex with him. This is like so mindboggling obvious, that you've got to wonder about his mentality.

I think maybe you need relationship counselling together. You need to open communication somehow and actually have him listen.

@Prince I was trying to be realistic rather than idealistic. I'm not condoning porn, but if the relationship is in trouble and the OP starts to put even more pressure on, then there is much more chance of an affair or a breakup. If the OP is OK for that , fine, but I think she may have to choose her fights right now.

And why bring up rape?

Totally agree with ALCS and lookingfoxy - he can't help having a high sex drive, any more than you can help being ill/tired sometimes, so he looks at porn rather than pestering you for sex all the time when he knows that you don't want it. Okay, so you don't like porn, but then he probably doesn't like the fact that he doesn't get as much sex as he would like. What's wrong with a bit of mutual understanding and compromise?

That said, this doesn't excuse him from the other problems you mention - but if you can have a frank chat about the issues you face (how hard it is looking after your DS all the time, how much you'd like it if he got more involved in family things) he's more likely to understand. However, if you talk to him like he's a naughty schoolboy for looking at porn (like some of the posters on here!), he won't even listen to you, let alone change his ways.

I get it now.
Mens' sexual needs are the most important thing in a relationship, stuff a womans needs, like needing a partner who doesn't treat her like a wanksock and gets angry when she doesn't open her legs enough for his overpowering and uncontrollable male urges.? some people really have a low opinion of men if they think that all men have to use porn otherwise they will jump the nearest available female.

I get it now.
Mens' sexual needs are the most important thing in a relationship, stuff a womans needs, like needing a partner who doesn't treat her like a wanksock and gets angry when she doesn't open her legs enough for his overpowering and uncontrollable male urges.? some people really have a low opinion of men if they think that all men have to use porn otherwise they will jump the nearest available female.

Men can be complicated, this is why I mentioned the book 'Why Men Want Sex & Women Need love', I think the title is very apt, it helps to explain why men have sexual urges/needs and why women have different needs in loving relationships. I think if you can try and understand why some men behave the way they do this might help to resolve some of your problems.

agree with you PrinceHdink, but this book just 'helps' to explain to those people who may be unsure why men have different needs to women. I felt that the OP may like to understand why 'some' men are the way they are and why they look at porn in certain circumstances.

Isnt it funny how when the word "compromise" is used, its always the woman who compromises?

How about he compromises by treating her better and not watching porn, then she might just feel like sex with him.

I have a story about a friend of mine, who wanted to seem all in with the times, and told her new fella that she didnt really mind porn, she understood blah blah. What women are supposed to say these days.

Do you know what he did? On their third date, yes third , he bought her porn. As a present. Because she was "fine with it."

And Im not talking that female friendly shit either, im talking full on hardcore sick-man porn. So just how "fine" with it are you all?

Yet another post in Relationships - which is meant to be an area of support which is turning into an attack on the OP's valid feelings.

Fucking Hell. If you want a debate, fuck off to AIBU or _chat, stop swilling your shitty little misogynistic opinions on support areas.

Men and women don't have different needs. They both need the same things - love, warmth, respect, kindness, friendship.

We are not different species. It's those who have a vested interest in denying women's humanity, who keep telling us that we are.

It's divisive crap like that book that gives people stupid ideas - where is the part about women having sexual urges and needs?
Why is female sexuality thought to be less important than mens?
I thought we were out of the dark ages and that people no longer thought that men are uncontrollable beasts who must give in to their urges at any cost and women must give hi sex or else her man will get it elsewhere.
Very often, selfish abusive men use porn as another psychological weapon to destroy a woman's self esteem and keep her on the back foot, he justifies his porn use by pointing to her low libido and saying "it's your fault I'm like this, if only you would have more sex with me I wouldn't need to use porn".

People who are fine with porn use tend to come from the standpoint of a healthy relationship with good communication, but can they not understand that it can form part of a much darker, nastier, psychological "war" that some men wage?
If porn use was such harmless, meaningless fun , why the need for some men to keep it secret from their partners, there have been posts from women on here who have been with their partners for 20 years or more and had no idea that their husband was into porn until they accidently stumbled upon it - how is that healthy for a relationship? They have almost always been previously told by him that he doesn't like porn, only to find out the opposite is true.
If people want to use porn within a relationship, they should at least have the decency to be honest about it from the start, a lot of women can cope with the fact that their partner does, as long as he is discreet and it doesn't interfere with their relationship in any way.

You can have personal privacy without having secrecy but if your behaviour causes your partner hurt and distress, you really shouldn't continue with that behaviour.

At the very heart of OP's issue is the fact that there is a man getting angry because she doesn't want as much sex as he does - that is very worrying, what kind of man wants sex with a woman regardless of whether she wants it or not?

Hi twinkletoes

It was me that posted a thread very similar to this a few weeks ago, this has happend to me also. switched on the laptop and the battery had reached it's critical level and it came right back onto what my husband had been watching.... Porn, and like you i felt absolutely devestated, i know it is only porn but the thought of him looking at other women in porn made me so so upset, sick and it was that daft i even felt like i had been cheated on!! We were the same going through a bit of a rocky patch, tired etc!! I confonted him and told him i was not happy, he told me i am the only one for him, etc, etc, it made me feel insecure and feel like crap really with us not long having a baby and a 3 year old!! He had also had cheated on me when we were first together (about 12 years ago) and although i thought i trusted him 100% now it kind of brought back hurtfull memories and got me thinking that he is still looking elsewhere! Things have been bit better between us now but it is still always at the back of my mine, am i good enough, can i trust him, it's terrible how porn can make you feel!

The only advice i can really give you is that if you love him try and make a go of it like i have, as the weeks have gone on i don't feel as bad about things now, it still hurts quite a bit though as we are soul mates and thought we neve kept any secrets from each other and i think deep down that is also what hurt the most the secrecy of it all! Hope you can sort things! If you want to message me to talk you can do hun as i konw exaxtly how you are feeling and what your mind and heart is going through! xx

Hi HerBeX,

Well before "widely available porn" there were mags and literature. And yes, men are more visual than women, it's an obvious fact. Just look the way the look at women with big tits - ALL heads turn! It's sad, but it applies to majority.

I never said that someone's feelings aren't valid. I was just marely stating my view. I am sorry if it wasn't to your liking, but on these types of forumes it is impossible for all of us to have the same view. And that's what these are for - to see and perhaps think about someone else's view.

My ExH got to a point where he was looking at porn EVERY DAY for SEVERAL HOURS - I already said that in MY view looking at porn occasionally is fine, but if this takes time away from a loving relationship this must be addressed.

Hoisttocrew, thank you for your comments. I am new here (I only sent few comments the other day), but it seems that one cannot express views without being victimised.

Whilst it was impossible to reason with my ex as he was a selfish and an arrogant person if I had a problem now with my current BF's porn usage I am sure that he would not only listen, but we would agree to meet "in the middle". All relationships should be about compromise. A lot of us don't bring important questions at the beginning of a relationship i.e. do you want to have children, do you masturbate to porn, how do you want to spend Christmas. Apart from that people in a relationship change as well and one may change its views with time. This is normal way of growing as an individualm but the key to this is COMMUNICATION. Sadly many of us cannot communicate effectively and this leads to problems. Also sadly the other person does not agree with ones new views things lead to disappointment and a relattionship must be evaluated yet again.

Dear Twinkletoes111, I hope you can have a good talk with your partner about it, but if you still disagree you may will have to see if you still have a future as it may be a deal breaker for you. In my opinion it is important to "meet in the middle", but if you feel uncomfortable about him using porn altogether or he isn't willilng to listen to you and your needs and blames you for other things or want limit his porn watching I don't see much of the future for the two of you as he will be either hiding his porn usage better (he will get court eventually one day) or you won't be able to trust him.

I hope my message doesn't sound like "bollocks".

Anyway, good luck and I truly hope you will be able to sort things out.

ALCS

Isn't it funny how when the word "compromise" is used, its always the woman who compromises?

How about he compromises by treating her better and not watching porn, then she might just feel like sex with him.

What do you think "mutual understanding and compromise" means?

I have a story about a friend of mine, who wanted to seem all in with the times, and told her new fella that she didnt really mind porn, she understood blah blah. What women are supposed to say these days.

Do you know what he did? On their third date, yes third , he bought her porn. As a present. Because she was "fine with it."

And Im not talking that female friendly shit either, im talking full on hardcore sick-man porn. So just how "fine" with it are you all?

Notwithstanding the fact that this guy was very peculiar in that he not only liked "sick-man porn" (whatever that is) but also chose to share it with his new gf, it doesn't alter the fact that your friend shouldn't have said she's "fine with it" if she's not. Whatever happened to sticking to your guns and saying what you actually believe? A man will have far more respect for a woman who states openly that she disapproves of porn than one who "wants to seem all in with the times"!

Sorry to see your upset Twinkletoes. I too have a similar problem where I have found what my husband has been looking at on laptop and TV/downloading onto his phone. I felt very hurt too as he actually doesn't want to have sex with me very often. Perhaps if I was getting some it might not be such a problem!

When I initially confronted him about the lack of sex, he said it was because he couldn't just "perform" when I wanted him to(!!). Then I found the porn on a number of occasions and he first of all denied it, blamed it on a work colleague (!), then got angry. On one occasion he even said it was because he was getting chest pains when we had sex! After about the third time I discovered something, I asked him to talk to me about it rationally. The sex life still hasn't increased and today I find he has borrowed porn from a neighbour while I have been out today and pretended that he was watching another film which I know he wasn't! Have just tried to talk to him about this and he has stormed off to bed. Of course I will be in the wrong again, my self esteem wil be lowered even more and our sex life will not improve either!

A real shame as in some other ways our relationship is very good.

Hope things work out for you this evening - have a feeling I am just about to walk into another row!