Men! Why is it so difficult for them?

[shandybass]

I'm wondering why it is it's so difficult for dh to support me? He says he just doesn't know what to say and that whatever he does say is wrong.

He has just been on a week's lads holiday while I was at home looking after dcs and going through a miscarriage. We both agreed on him still going on his holiday and I know he would have cancelled it if I'd asked him. When he came back I had been bottling things up and am not in a good way. He's gone back to normal mode. I tried to tell him last night how I feel and that I would really like him to treat me a bit and make it up to me a little for being away and give me a bit of breathing space to grieve and heal. To which he got upset and said he doesn't know what to say to me, that he doesn't have it in him. I told him just to try a bit.

Anyway today he came home from work and said he'd booked cinema tickets for two, I could come if I wanted but it was a racing lads film. I got upset having thought it was for us and he got in a rage and said I was over reacting as this is in two weeks time and I've been to the cinema with the girls and he's been fine with it.

Where do I go with this next. Accept that that's how he is? Or I don't know. I know I am feeling low anyway and will get better with time.

wibbly anything else you'd like take offence at? How about unclenching?

kiwinyc you have had a hard time here, please don't take all the comments to heart. You speak a lot of sense and have been constructive to me especially as I have got myself in a bit of a hole. Of course divorce is always an answer but not one anyone wants to go down and yes sometimes it does help to let off steam and for others to agree that your partner has acted like an arse when you are hurt, but there are good things that keep you together or at least make you want to try and make things better.

And hats off to those with sensitive caring partners I know they are out there, the rest of us have to work that much harder at times to get there.

My DH would love a list like kiwinyc's to help him out, but I feel like most of the other posters that I need him to understand me without instructions from me. It feels so exhausting to have to manage that for him, too.

Ok, I would like to avoid putting a label on your DH and what he did. On a practical point of view, I woud say the following.

You've had a mc. Your DH had a WE away organized and you told him it was OK for him to go. Which he did. You recognize you are a 'helper' aka you have put his needs before yours even though you were in a difficult situation yourself.
I think this is one thing you need to work on for yourself. If you have some important needs that have to be met (like your DH being there for help/support after a mc), you need to spell it out. You seem able to say what you actually need. Now you need tom learn to 'demand' them when you really need to (as there is no other solution than meeting your needs before anyone else).

Then your DH came back home. You were worn out, in some ways distressed after that WE and you told him you needed some support, practically and emotionally.
He then came back with tickets he got for himself but still did nothing for you. Did I get that one right?
So, you can say he is a prat. You can try to teach him. You can try to spell it out more 'clearly' to him (At this moment in time, I need you to do XY&Z). The one thing I would refuse to do is to micromanage him. It isn't helpfull, neither for your relationship (very easy for you to come out as 'controlling') or for yourself (The one time you won't so it, he will then take that as an excuse not to do anythig at all - as you haven't asked for it).

I think the issue here is responsability. He doesn't feel responsible for looking after the children, keeping your relationship harmonious, supporting you in difficult times... So it is not on the top of his priority list.
You ned to give him back some of that responsability. Then 2 things will happen. Either he will take that responsability and things will change. Or he won't and all the people who said he is a prat and not a very decent man will be right.

HTH

Ok so how fo you carpetnomore propose I give him back responsibility while still having to explain that I need you to do x, y and z. I'm just not clear on the detail although I can see some logic in what your saying.

Well, buggering off for a week and leaving him to it has been known to work.

Sorry OP, I think I haven't been very clear.
What I meant is. Telling him what he has to do is one possible way but I am not sure it is what is going to work if you only do that because you would end up managing him/what he should be doing all the time.

The way I did/do it with my H is that:

• things I am not too bothered about (like hoovering) I've stop doing it. I haven't said a word and ... he started to do it because, as others have said, when men are on their own, they are able to do housework and know what needs to be done.
• Things I wanted to see happening, like him cooking some of the meals. I've just said 'You are in charge of the meal tonight' and again left him to it. I haven't been in the kitchen to see how things are going etc... and haven't made a comment about what he has cooked. he was totally able to compare what he did to what I am normally doing. And the dcs were totally able to point out things that were ... let's say different.
• Things that are important to me, I've kept responsability for them and I am telling him that 'X,Y & Z' needs doing. Like 'I am working tonight, you need to pick up the dcs and take dc1 swimming at X time'. I think there it's about assertiveness there more than anythingelse.

I think you are right in thinking he should be more preceptive because he has obvioulsy proven he can (at work). You also need to really expect it from him (A bit like when with children, we are told to expect the best from them to see it happen. If you expect them to do it badly, they probably wil do it badly). My experience is that it is easier to deal with very 'material' things like childcare and cooking dinner before seeing changes on a more 'emotional' level (such as being able to leave you alone or giving you a cuddle depending on the circumstances). I also found that I had to make my expectations very clear (as 'My idea of being married is that we would support each other and you haven't done that recently') before he could see that 1- I was very serious, 2- what exactely was wrong imo, 3- where I was expecting changes now.
My H did make some big changes but again changes he did on his own accord were very practical (like starting to me a cup of tea to make me feel better).
And over time, there has been a switch from me telling him that 'X,Y &Z' needs doing to him asking if I needed help and then for him taking responsability for it and saying 'I am going to pick up the dcs from shool'.

HTH

Thankyou carpetnomore that's clearer. I did have a big talk with dh last night and armed with all your perceptions and a bit more self control it was quite revealing. He did try twice to walk off in a huff of what's the point I can't do anything right, but as I kept my cool and stated that he was walking away from me talking to him he did come back three times and ended up being the meeker one and agreeing that there was a place for him to help me.

I've also acknowledged to myself that I don't have to be such a coper in all areas and to admit that it may be better for me to take it easier and admit that I'm not ok.

So we live to tell another tale, thank you to my perceptive Internet responders.

:) :) :)