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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have severed it

55 replies

merrywidow · 06/06/2011 12:22

some of you know my situation, my abusive H passed away suddenly well over a year ago now and I have been living with DP for under a year, DP being someone I had 'held a candle for' for many years.

DP had left his wife as he wanted to divorce and was living in a hotel and ended up living with me, however he never told his family where he was, just said he wasnt going back. He would go back and forwards to the family home but never stay there due to business commitments still there. During this time we have lived in a bubble and its been wonderful [delusion emoticon]

Reality has now hit; last week he came back from a trip abroad and started saying he needed to sort things out, the travel was getting to him and his kids could never get hold of him and they needed him ( all grown up, left home and even have their own children ) and he needed to sort out things to pave the way for us but had to do this away from me so has moved back into a spare room in his house, kept my house keys and left stuff here. He went with my blessing as who am I to keep a person where they think they cant be?

That was a week ago and despite his 'words of comfort', he loves me wants to spend the rest of his life with me but his life is complicated and he needs time and wants me to wait blah blah blah,I cannot get my head around it have lost seven pounds in weight cant sleep and am generally feeling crap. This from a man who said he could never hurt me and was never leaving. He said yesterday if he had realised that I had these sorts of abandonment issues he would have done things differently. Abandonment issues WTF?

As of today I have told him to forget it, hes committed elsewhere and I cannot do this. I do not need this, it feels no different than the abusive crap I dealt with for 15 years with my H. I never got involved with married men and even though he was seperated the fact is I deluded myself in thinking that he wasn't.

Flame me if you like, I feel like i've done the right thing now, i was incredibly stupid and don't know what I want you all to say but had to write it down

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 06/06/2011 12:27

merrywidow, no words of flaming but I hope you get your keys back off him.
He sounds as though he can't make the break himself, and is unsure of his future with you so I think you have done the right thing, despite it being painful for you.

Do get your keys back from him asap and clear out any stuff he may have left in your place. If he really wants to commit to you then he will sort stuff out with his wife and leave properly - and move somewhere else on his own. He needs to do that - and perhaps when he has, in the future, if he is persistent and honest enough with you, there might be something for you - but tbh I wouldn't hang around to find out.

Good luck with moving on again - you've done it before, I know it's a PITA but you can do it again.

buzzsore · 06/06/2011 12:28

Oh dear. But you've done the right thing - he was messing you about something chronic when he was supposed to love you. You don't do that to people you care about.

I think you're best off out of it. Onward and upwards!

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 06/06/2011 12:29

I don't think you've done anything wrong, love. He was separated, his children are grown and left home, it's not like you were The Other Woman. And I don't like the fact that he's tossing around 'abandonment issues' like this is your issue and not his. He's just walked out on you after a year and he expected, what, you to sit there and spin until he sorted himself out?

With the not telling his wife where he'd gone, he sounds like a man who doesn't like to let anyone down or hurt anyone, and those sort of people often end up causing more harm than good.

So sorry for you. You deserve more happiness than this.

Anniegetyourgun · 06/06/2011 12:31

I'm so sorry it didn't work out, merrywidow. I think you did do the right thing. If there is any future between you it can only really be when he's sorted his shit out.

Don't feel so bad for doing what you did, it seemed right at the time and it did make you, both of you, very happy for a short while. As you say, a happy bubble.

Agree with thumbwitch about the keys.

strawberryjelly · 06/06/2011 12:31

Do you love him?
Does he love you?

I can see why he wants to sort out hislife ut the question is why has he not before?

Over the last year was he not intending to divorce- and getting on with that?

has he really moved back with his wife and is in the spare room? This is really odd behaviour.

Whe you siad he went "with your blessing" I find that very odd. Surely that was the final backward step when you should have said to him "If you want me, then you stay here or you put your house up for sale, or move into a rented house etc while you sort your life out".

he appears to have gone back to his wife. is that what you think?

Original poster
merrywidow · 06/06/2011 12:39

He says hes not gone back, just gone to sort things out and can I wait - no time limit, though he says he won't keep me waiting forever! he made the decision to do that without talking it through with me first which is exactly what he did when he left his wife, just did it.

I love him yes, but not at any price, I think hes being disengenous to everyone and I know he doesnt want to hurt anyone but hes created a huge mess.

I cannot stand about on the sidelines and watch its too painful

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buzzsore · 06/06/2011 12:46

He doesn't sound a very nice person. To just walk out on his wife and now you? Those aren't the actions of someone who doesn't want to hurt people, they're the actions of someone who doesn't want to see/hear/face up to the hurt they cause.

Original poster
merrywidow · 06/06/2011 12:48

I have enabled the mess for at least half a year by just enjoying the relationship and ignoring the reality of the sitiuation. He is a married man

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Original poster
merrywidow · 06/06/2011 12:49

I have to get my radar sorted

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totallylost · 06/06/2011 12:51

Spend your time making your life happy Merrywidow, don't put your life on hold waiting for him. If he wants to come back when he is sorted then he will have to find a way to do that. You may find you are much happier without him, you may find you still want him in your life but the key to it, in my opinion, is that YOU make those decisions. Find out what YOU want.

Original poster
merrywidow · 06/06/2011 13:04

I cannot deny that I don't yearn for him , but I just don't need and cannot handle anymore troublesome relationships in my life; especially after the trauma I had with my H. I have been set free from a whole host of difficult issues due to the fact that he just passed away and I suppose I entered into the relationship with DP quite soon afterwards and it was wonderful.

The last week I have felt like I descended into hell, its made me physically ill. Three weeks ago this DP was saying how he could never hurt me he loves me too much.

I do feel foolish as well, not because I think he doesnt love me and he is going to do what he says, just because I have not faced reality

I have a two lovely DCs, good friends ,good job, house etc etc, I cannot continue to subducate my life to men with issues

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Original poster
merrywidow · 06/06/2011 13:08

I am feeling better for having severed it, but posted because I need a bit of hand holding, good talking to and even a flame if thats what you think. I'm still in shock.

I've watched this board and given my thoughts to quite a few threads whilst I was happily living in deluded ignorance

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cathkidstonbag · 06/06/2011 13:18

I read some of your posts and must admit that I thought it was lovely that you'd ended up together after so long of wanting to be. No flaming from here, I think it's terribly sad that he turned out to be a twat after all that. Luckily you are obviously a strong woman but I really hope things turn out better for you very soon. You deserve the happy ending.

strawberryjelly · 06/06/2011 13:18

But what about his wife? where has she been for the past year? has she put her life on hold? cos if she hasn't there are no guarantees he can walk right back in.

He sounds impulsive rather than mailciously hurtful.

Original poster
merrywidow · 06/06/2011 13:20

His wife, apparently, wants to work things out; he apparently has gone back to finish it

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SingOut · 06/06/2011 13:25

merrywidow, I've noticed you around and found your posts very helpful. I think the key point here is where you say: "I do not need this, it feels no different than the abusive crap I dealt with for 15 years with my H. I never got involved with married men and even though he was seperated the fact is I deluded myself in thinking that he wasn't."

this really reminded me of the bit on the 'Right! Listen up everyone!' thread about going from a level 10 bastard to a level 8 one. I say this because I'm in an almost identical situation; was with a complete tool for some years (not married to him, mind) with whom I had a child, left him and then swiftly met and fell for a separated man. I wasted a year of my life on this kinder, sweeter but still abusive nutcase who pissed me about endlessly and who said really nice things but ultimately was unable to offer me much of anything.

I've concluded that much as I love him, he has prior commitments (plus mental health issues, incidentally but crucially) and as a result is not available for me to be with. I have let him go and severed all contact, and while it hurts, what hurts more is how angry I am at myself for allowing myself to be led up the garden path, and for deliberately burying my head in the sand for so long. I'm so pissed off with myself for being such a delusional, escapist idiot. So I can really relate to what you're saying, MW.

I've found this site, and specifically this post, very helpful and even healing of late. I hope you find some peace soon. I think just learning to love and respect yourself until your radar is completely fine is the way to go; this is what I'm doing now.

Original poster
merrywidow · 06/06/2011 13:26

Thanks Sing, have to go out now will look later

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CotesduRhone · 06/06/2011 13:26

Merrywidow, you have been through such a lot!

I would suggest you use this time to regroup a bit. He cannot have it both ways; if you take him on face value that he has gone back to finish it, my advice would be to cut all contact with him (no calls, no emails, no anything, get your keys back) and let him do the necessary.

If he wants to he will, if he doesn't want to he won't. But as long as he feels he's got you waiting in the wings, he will not have the impetus to move forward. I've been in a not entirely dissimilar position, with someone who couldn't quite get over their previous relationship, and we are now very happy. Somewhere the week before my birthday (i.e. six months later) he went "this is ridiculous, I should be properly with CdR, not moping around like a fool" and we've been together since.

But without that space, I am not sure what he would have done. And that space gave ME, more importantly, the space to understand that although I loved having him in my life, I would do just fine without him, thankyouverymuch. I feel stronger in our relationship as a result of it.

perfumedlife · 06/06/2011 13:30

Oh merrywidow I'm so shocked, and sad for you.

I didn't realise that this past year he has been hiding where (and with whom) he lived with, thats a big flag. There is no reason on earth to keep that secret from a separaged wife and grown up children.

Do you think the ex didn't even realise she'd been left, due to his lies and him popping back there for business ties?

perfumedlife · 06/06/2011 13:33

Aplogies for the spelling Blush

I think you're doing totally the right thing. If he thinks you will wait around, he won't deal with it, as he hasn't this past year. Total silence is what you need, although I realise that all of this is so painful. If he misses you and wants to talk, tough, he has to know what life is like without you in it.

TimeForMeIsFree · 06/06/2011 15:05

I'm sad for you too Merrywidow but good on you for putting an end to a situation that wasn't right for you. You have put yourself and your own feelings first and that is great, please don't beat yourself up because as I see it you have done nothing wrong.

If this man is meant to be then he will finish things properly at home and he will come back to you, meanwhile, I would say no contact with him is the way to go, take some time to focus on yourself and enjoy just being you Smile

Original poster
merrywidow · 06/06/2011 15:12

he was concerned the other day that he may have lost me but was then struggling with what to say for the first time ever, I hung on in there until today but i have been feeling so physically ill with it that I had to do something.

I have the DCs to look after and cant afford to be ill

I really do feel much better already, just because I have exerted control over it for myself. I was very afraid of my H and felt totally out of control; i know i will never be affraid likew that again. I wasnt going to post but I'm so glad I have, it helps; thankyou

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MittzyTheMinx · 06/06/2011 15:30

I am so sorry Merry Widow, I have no advice but think you have made the right choice.

You deserve to be happy unconditionally and however he sorts things out it is so important that this is more about what you want.
So no. I don't think you should 'wait' for him but evaluate your own life and ask if you actually want him in your life.

It sounds as if you are pretty much doing this but take care while you do xx

Original poster
merrywidow · 06/06/2011 17:22

Been having a good look around the site SingOut, good stuff.

Feeling exhausted now, have a whole pile of work to do which I've got behind on, but I havent slept more than 4 hours a night since he left.

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Original poster
merrywidow · 06/06/2011 17:26

he made love to me two days before he left and asked me if I felt safe. I feel as safe as one could if one fell into a nest of vipers...

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