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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have severed it

55 replies

merrywidow · 06/06/2011 12:22

some of you know my situation, my abusive H passed away suddenly well over a year ago now and I have been living with DP for under a year, DP being someone I had 'held a candle for' for many years.

DP had left his wife as he wanted to divorce and was living in a hotel and ended up living with me, however he never told his family where he was, just said he wasnt going back. He would go back and forwards to the family home but never stay there due to business commitments still there. During this time we have lived in a bubble and its been wonderful [delusion emoticon]

Reality has now hit; last week he came back from a trip abroad and started saying he needed to sort things out, the travel was getting to him and his kids could never get hold of him and they needed him ( all grown up, left home and even have their own children ) and he needed to sort out things to pave the way for us but had to do this away from me so has moved back into a spare room in his house, kept my house keys and left stuff here. He went with my blessing as who am I to keep a person where they think they cant be?

That was a week ago and despite his 'words of comfort', he loves me wants to spend the rest of his life with me but his life is complicated and he needs time and wants me to wait blah blah blah,I cannot get my head around it have lost seven pounds in weight cant sleep and am generally feeling crap. This from a man who said he could never hurt me and was never leaving. He said yesterday if he had realised that I had these sorts of abandonment issues he would have done things differently. Abandonment issues WTF?

As of today I have told him to forget it, hes committed elsewhere and I cannot do this. I do not need this, it feels no different than the abusive crap I dealt with for 15 years with my H. I never got involved with married men and even though he was seperated the fact is I deluded myself in thinking that he wasn't.

Flame me if you like, I feel like i've done the right thing now, i was incredibly stupid and don't know what I want you all to say but had to write it down

OP posts:
lazarusb · 06/06/2011 18:44

Sad Give yourself a break. You have been through Hell and nobody can blame you for exploring a life with this man. You seem to realise exactly what is going on. I just want to wish you the very best of luck - you deserve it.

HerHissyness · 06/06/2011 18:45

Oh MW, love,

You know you have done the right thing, you really have. Happy to hold your hand whenever and wherever. You are an awesome lady, always was and always will be.

HerHissyness · 06/06/2011 18:48

Somehow his 'availability issues' and your relationship with him are as a direct result of your previous relationship. I don't blame you at all for finding a man that was not perhaps as free as he could be to be with you. After your history, you were doubtless scared of having a relationship/man come at you with full throttle.

Please don't beat yourself up, you have done nothing wrong.

Original poster
merrywidow · 06/06/2011 18:59

evening Hissy, thanks

I know i've got to go through this even though its hard. A family friend once pointed out that I was very good at picking unsuitable men.

I've got 196 emails to sort through, that should keep me busy

OP posts:
howdiditcometothis · 06/06/2011 21:54

So saddened to read this. Your story had stayed with me as a happy ever after or evidence that things find a way of working out in the end. Look after yourself.

HerHissyness · 06/06/2011 22:25

I'm sure the family 'friend' meant well, but why is it YOUR fault your Ex was a cruel abusive little man who you were delighted to see the back of? Why is it YOUR fault that your P refused to be honest with HIS family. It's NOT!

You did nothing wrong, bar giving these men the benefit of the doubt. I bet you usually see the good in most people don't you, are fair and honest with those you meet. Trusting.

None of these qualities are bad, they are the sign of a good and loving heart. The men you were with were well out of their respective leagues, and somehow they knew it.

Merry, you are still learning, we have such a huge mountain to climb. This was a dry run, a practice, a test. Now he's stopped wasting your time, now is the time to re-group, galvanise yourself again and you will have the true happiness you are so richly deserved.

Original poster
merrywidow · 07/06/2011 16:14

It occured to me today that I have a history of having relationships with narcissistic men and at least a couple of women friends ( whom I have cut out of my life )

Whats to say that DP is another with a different methodology? He has said a lot, however his actions have not matched.

And what does that say about me?

OP posts:
Original poster
merrywidow · 07/06/2011 16:19

Ironically I have a band of Narcissus flowers tattooed around my arm, I had it done when I was 21

OP posts:
lubeybooby · 07/06/2011 16:22

He doesn't need to live in the house to sort out a divorce. What a load of crap

lubeybooby · 07/06/2011 16:23

Sorry posted first engaged brain later... I'm really sorry merrywidow. I had a similar situation recently and it's about killed me off. Hugs

Original poster
merrywidow · 07/06/2011 16:51

its allright lubey, this has really made me think about who I am and what I want. Hope the same goes for you too, because I'm starting to feel better, not out of the woods, but better

I lived in this stupid bubble of delusion with him, it couldnt go on like that forever.

Hes messaged me today hes moving out into a hotel, then possibly onto a more permanent place later

OP posts:
MittzyTheVixen · 08/06/2011 09:48

The bit about asking if you felt 'safe' just before he moved out made me want to hit him Blush, and hard. I can do if you really want me to though Wink

I seem to attract a lot of emotional manipulators Merry, but I am learning. Someone has expressed an interest in me but something about it just made my nerves jangle. I know his ex and she was offloading about him and my instincts were right.

It's tough, this living and learning malarky, and I find it extremely hard to disengage from my Ex, he can be so lovely and normal and I think, gosh, it was just me, I am paranoid, delusional, I'm the one with the problem, and then wham, he blind sides me.

But truthfully, love has it's ups and downs but I don't think it is supposed to make you feel like that.

'Do you feel safe' and accusing you of having abandonment issues are kind of a red flag I think Sad

Lemonylemon · 08/06/2011 12:04

Merry I'm really sad to read this has happened. You have enough on your plate without having to worry about someone who doesn't seem to be able to just do it.

My "man history" is mostly crap and my radar is warped, but having been widowed in different circumstances from you, I now feel that maybe it's better to be alone for a while to find the space that fits.

To be honest, I'd leave him to it. Let him get himself sorted and you do what you have to do to feel better about things away from him.

I'm glad that you're feeling better though.....

AnyFucker · 08/06/2011 18:19

I am sorry to hear this, MW

It does seem as if you have had your wake-up call now, so I hope you can find the strength to put yourself first, for once x

Original poster
merrywidow · 08/06/2011 19:15

Evening ladies; putting myself first AF- hes collecting his stuff tonight, there is no nastiness: its painful, I'm scared but I just don't want him around now. And maybe I'm scared that I will discover that I have believed in him for all these years and really it was just an illusion.

I came out of a hellish marriage in an a way I just didn't expect and then he 'arrived' very soon afterwards. It was wonderful and has been one of my happiest times, however I guess I knew it couldn't last like that forever with the baggage he continued to carry.

its weird but I actually feel bloody awful and happy at the same time.

I'm going to do up and sell the marital home, I don't want to stay here. its actually still in my husbands name, he controlled everything and my name was never on the deeds and he wouldn't tell me how much the mortgage was. As executor I will liquidate it as an asset probably next spring take the equity which is good and start afresh with the DCs. its making me cry writing this, I know I need some time to breathe and grieve.

OP posts:
Original poster
merrywidow · 08/06/2011 19:25

He is aware that he has fucked up, but thats for him to sort out on his own

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 08/06/2011 19:48

no flaming from me either...just wanted to hold your hand for a bit Smile

AF is right, do put yourself first and look after yourself.

You say you have a history of these type of men (and friends too)...do you think you have a need to please others? Its a lovely thing to do for others but then there are those who do take advantage.

AnyFucker · 08/06/2011 19:51

all the best, MW x

piranhamorgana · 08/06/2011 20:47

Sad to hear this,MW.Of course you have done nothing to be flamed about. You sound very focussed. Time to breathe and grieve sounds a good plan.
It does sound as if you needed to be in that bubble for a while,after what you had been through.Maybe you have outgrown that need.
So sorry you are hurting.Stay strong x

caramelwaffle · 08/06/2011 23:37

Wishing you all the best MW.

Original poster
merrywidow · 09/06/2011 11:09

he came and collected things, gave keys back.

we talked and he apologised for his massive ignorance and fuck up. I said I didn't know how I felt about him at the moment and was scared that it may have all been an illusion.

I said I need time to breathe, grieve the loss of my H which despite a terrible time I had with him and the relief that I didn't have to deal with our problems anymore, was still my husband and father of DCs.

Looking back I have barely cried in the past year, perhaps in order to push out any feelings so I could function to sort out the monumental mess to be sorted and establish a new way of life. There were three seperate businesses with staff to put in order, one of mine, one of my H's and one we had together ( which I didn't exist on any of the paperwork for but ran anyway). I had to get my youngest DC into school, work out where all the money was, write loads of letters, set up bank accounts et etc ; and be there for the DCs. Most of that is sorted now.

I've cried a lot in the last couple of days.

After he apologised he said he loves me deeply and will wait for me, even if I never go back, no pressure, no time limit. We hugged and he left ( I had a brief moment of feeling that I would like to just go to bed with him but realise that this is not the right moment, my late H would use sex to sort out any problem and that in itself became a problem ).

Got my son to school this morning very late for the second time this week and cried all over the teaching assistant who was lovely.

I've been hanging around this board for about a year and you lot are great

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 09/06/2011 11:47

Sounds like you've handled it pretty well, MW. Agree that sleeping with him would have been a Bad Idea and sent the wrong message.

If he really wants to be with you, he will sort out his own mess - but I hope he gives you time to sort your life out as well. It does seem as though you've been living in a lovely little bubble of unreality for a year - and now you have to come to terms with your new reality.

Wishing you lots of love and strength to get through it all - and know that you will come out the other side much stronger and more able to deal with anything life throws at you.

Anapit · 09/06/2011 12:22

MW I think you sound like an amazing woman and I think you have done the right thing.

Do you think he might turn up on you door with his suitcases in the next few days, having "sorted it out?"?

If so will you take him back? You don't need to answer that, of course

AnyF · 09/06/2011 13:40

xx

tb · 09/06/2011 13:52

Hi MW,

Just wanted to say I'm sad for you. I can remember reading some of your posts where you were sounding so happy, and I was very pleased for you.

Good luck

xxxx