AIBU to resent DH's job

[tootooposh]

DH works very hard and earns an extraordinarily good living for me and DC. BUT his default position at home is in front of the laptop working. If he is not actually watching sport on tv, out doing sport, or sitting in front of food, he is working. So AIBU to resent this? It is not just that occasionally I would like a hand with shopping/ cooking/ DIY/ garden/ childcare as he is willing to pay for as much help as I want, but I worry about his lack of any attention whatsoever to family life. Do we have a family life, even? Incidentally, this is not temporary...it has been this way for about 10 years, and is a large part of the reason why working outside the home in a fulfilling career is very difficult for ME to justify/do as DH still takes the view that as his job pays so much more, it takes priority and I have to shoulder everything domestic. He also regularly turns down any suggestion of theatre/ cinema/ cup of tea in the garden together/ a walk/ midweek social occasions as he has work to do. Go on, tell me I am an ungrateful cow as he is working hard for us and I am jolly lucky to be so privileged as to be a SAHM with no money worries. Or tell me to leave him as I gaining nothing by being with him.

tootooposh

You already know the correct answer, don't you?

well, no, that's why I asked.....I really can't decide whether I am an ungrateful cow or an emotionally abused wife who should pack her bags and leave. Honestly. And unfortunately, I don';t even know which answer you are hinting at that I know!

Apart from financial support your DH does not appear to offer you anything else in life.
Money isn't everything, and l think l agree with suetheslut. Leave and find someone who you can actually enjoy life with.

Would DH feel that was fair, do you reckon? Does that matter?

tootooposh - try to think of some other options, putting up or shipping out are the extremes, is there any middle ground? Pay for the help you need to pursue a social life of your own - domestic, childcare etc - and start enjoying what you don't have. If it looks like you and the kids are capable of having fun without him he may show more interest in getting involved. My DH is also a bit of a workaholic (but doesn't sound in the same league as yours in terms of hours or earnings) and I find that if we just get on with what we want to do he soon gets curious and makes time to get involved.

ooops - should be start enjoying what you do have instead of focusing on what you don't have.

So dh pays for everything? You can't get a job because of him? He doesn't spend any family time with you? Have I read all that correctly?

Unless you are getting something out of the arrangement that isn't in your post, it sounds as though you are the hired help rather than his wife and mother of his children.

I could not live like that and would be massively resentful of dh let alone his job.

I'm with skiving (again) talk to DH and find some middle ground.

A workaholic is still a "holic". Not great partner material. Does he refuse to discuss the way he has opted out of the family to you? Do you make it clear that you would be happier with more of him and less financial rewards?

There's some good books on workaholism and living with a workaholic if you have a search around Amazon.

Have you actually sat him down and spelt out how you feel? Perhaps he thinks you are just moaning and not really being serious. You need him to understand just how serious things are and you are thinking about splitting. Perhaps he will listen then.
However after 10 yeras of putting up with this l don't think much will change. I certainly would have had enough long before now.

Not good is it?

Money=power=control.

What do you want? if you want a job, get one. if you want him to join in stuff arrange it and don't let him off the hook.
Use some of the money for counselling- sounds like you both need it.

SkivingAgain, yes, I agree with you in many ways except that I feel I have tried that - I have taken up reading/ yet more education/ fundraising/ sport/ bookclubs/ community work/ playing in an orchestra etc etc and that is all great and better than twiddling my thumbs and waiting for DH to come home which I used to do, but I am still not sure where that leaves me ...it has merely emphasised that we lead completely separate lives. For a few years, I have just pretended to myself that I am a rich single parent but if I WERE a single parent, then perhaps I would be dating! Oh, and I DO try to focus on what I HAVE rather than on what I don't as I am incredibly aware of just how lucky I am materially.

boysrock yes, an overpaid head housekeeper, bedecked in diamonds, is how I feel quite often.

OTOH it would feel very mean to ditch DH on the basis that he works too hard! I have talked to him about it occasionally and he patiently explains that it is the type of job he does - you can't half do it. I have recently taken a different tack and told him that we have enough saved for him to give up work entirely but he doesn't want to retire as he is still pretty young.

What is his work? Very well paid jobs are very competitive so usually one has to really put time into them, and they are exhausting.

Also, have you told him of your frustrations? Many men think they are doing the right thing by working hard and providing for their families and are surprised when they find out that's not what the DW actually values ( a vicar friend of mine told me that was a frequent thing that he found in relationships )

Sounds like he defines himself by his job.

What would make you happy. What would you like from him to feel part of a partnership?

Thanks for all the messages. I am quite that everyone is siding the same way. I thought you might tell me to count my blessings.

strawberryjelly he gets very cross if I arrange stuff without getting permission first, but when I ask him he says no, he is too busy.

As for getting a job, well I have done that a few times but it becomes very difficult when something goes wrong eg nanny goes off sick or one of the DC is ill for a few months, as I have no back up family and I have to resign again....my CV now looks very checkered. I should give it another go perhaps although I am not sure with what end in mind - it feels a bit pointless when I earn about 5% of DH's pay so it feels like an indulgence if I work and it has a knock on effect for the rest of the family. Perhaps I should try to set up my own business or charity from home to keep myself occupied but remain flexible.

I am not moaning as I have great life really but I DO wish I could have changed this aspect of it some years ago. I think perhaps it is too late now and that splitting up is the inevitable future. I am glad that noone so far has said that would be a miserably horrid thing to do.

Yes, very well paid jobs do demand a lot of time- but he has also chosen to have a wife and family.

he now needs to decide what is most important.

is he willing to lose you?

Not being funny but you must have millions saved if he could afford to retire and live off it all for what- another 30 years?

My Dh has a well paid job too and works a 12 hr day often. However, at various stages of his career we jointly decided he would not climb the corporate ladder any further- as it would mean he would never be at home. he looked at colleagues who did this and saw how their marriages broke up or they got ill, and how work was a 24/7 occupation. Not for us- rather be poorer.

Have you not had this discussion over the years? Working all day every day at a job doesn't happen overnight- it evolves over years.

Sounds like you have to do some serious talking and he needs to make some choices.

Do you love him? Does he love you? Love has not been mentioned.

Also you mention mid week social occasions, that seems fair enough to refuse to me if you have a demanding work life. Have you tried set times for some things? He might see a walk, tea in garden as interrupting.

Do you have holidays together anything at all at the weekend? YANBU as this must be lonely but it is what you signed up for when you had a child together.

Weell at least you have the diamonds.

However your dh is in a marriage. I dont see how he can possibly be too busy for a cup of tea and a quick chat.

What is it that you want from life (aside from a husband that talks to you)? Do you want a job?

How would your dh feel if his family were not there. As for asking permission to do things... if it were me that would stop. If he always says he is too busy he doesn't get the the right of veto. He wulod just be told what was happening and asked if he was joining in.

How old are your dc now? work and young dc can be a nightmare but as they get older it becomes easier. So what if you earn less than him if it's what you want and it helps your self esteem then it is worth it.

Just because you are a wife and mother doesn't make you everybodies slave.

Something he might want to bear in mind. I hope you don't think this is an extreme example.

A friend of mine has an ex husband who rarely saw the children. One of the children died - absolutely shocking and horrific for the entire family. At the hospital the father acknowledged he no longer knew the child.

Your husband has to work hard - that's agreed. He obviously enjoys working hard. The penalty is that he is detaching himself from the family. Whilst everyone benefits financially from him working, none of you are benefitting from him in any other way.

I don't think you should leave him. I think there's hope yet. I do think a really serious talk needs to be had. He does take time off to watch sport and play it. He needs to give at least equivalent time to being with his children.

Can you bring in some routines, eg you all go out for breakfast on a Saturday morning, you all eat out on Saturday evening, he goes out for an hour with the children on Sunday mornings, etc? Is there any way he'd do that? What would happen if the children asked him?

"I am glad that noone so far has said that would be a miserably horrid thing to do"

Well, frankly, divorce can be miserably horrid for all involved, particularly DC. I would say that you do both owe it to them to do your very best to improve things. As someone else said, does your DH realise how unhappy you are or does his tunnel vision mean he is not taking it in? You need to keep feeling that you are a team together. It's true that if you become the invisible housekeeper to him you are ripe to be left for a "trophy" wife some years further down the line.

Still wondering what would make you happy? You talk about starting a business so it doesn't sound like it is necessarily more of his time you are looking for? Is it something about finding a meaning for your life? If you can afford to do volunteer work it could mean making a massive difference to some people's lives somewhere.

Eurostar what would make me happy? I think I expect too much. I would love my DH to show that he cares about me personally - a hug, a phone call to say hello, to put the luggage in the car when we are going on holiday instead of watching me do it (ditto the rubbish), to ask me along to drinks when he is going out with friends, to bring me a drink of water if I am in bed ill rather than avoiding me so he doesn't catch it, to not steal all the duvet at night, to get up for breakfast with the rest of us instead of 20 minutes later, to come home once a week in time for supper, to suggest we go skinny dipping together, to share a joke with me, to put his dishes in the dishwasher after he has eaten, to put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket, to compliment me on a meal (ooops, it is true that my cooking is not up to much). Sigh, I am being self centred and greedy - he already buys me jewellery and clothes, and I DID mention to him a couple of years ago that I would love him to sometimes make me a cup of tea and now he does that occasionally.

Most of all, I would like him to respect the DC and not treat them like small servants too.

I would love to know what others in my position do and whether the whole thing is really a trade. He gets a house run smoothly and I get a lifestyle.

Oh, and it is not as if I am even very good at being a housewife! I am rubbish, so Lord knows why I imagine I am entitled to so much in return.

I know quite a few people from student days who are like your DH or married to one. Quite a few got divorced - but you need to know that there will be other women queueing up to marry a well off guy, not just for his personality, with all that entails.

Ones I know who have stayed together have either made a separate life /started a work from home business etc, had more DC to keep themselves busy, or have had discreet affairs to get affection. In one case I think the DH knows and prefers that arrangement.

At work he must know many men who have been divorced by women who couldn't put up with the absences. He must know that life is more miserable for those men. He must also know that if they divorce, they are forced to have regular contact with their children. If they re-marry, then they are forced to spend more time away from work.

Re the luggage in the car - you are mad for doing that if he's just watching you. Treat him as one of the children: "Hey, don't just stand and watch me, please - give me a hand!"

What a sad post. You are not being self-centred and greedy. It takes a certain type of person to be made happy by material goods only. He sounds like a self-centred pain in the arse to live with.

I would certainly be spending some of that money on a hard hitting marriage counsellor. As you can afford it I would suggest working with a two person couple counselling team.

Was he ever that man you describe? Caring? Interested in others? If he was, there's a chance he can be re-found but if he never was that man, he is never going to become him.