AIBU to resent DH's job

[tootooposh]

DH works very hard and earns an extraordinarily good living for me and DC. BUT his default position at home is in front of the laptop working. If he is not actually watching sport on tv, out doing sport, or sitting in front of food, he is working. So AIBU to resent this? It is not just that occasionally I would like a hand with shopping/ cooking/ DIY/ garden/ childcare as he is willing to pay for as much help as I want, but I worry about his lack of any attention whatsoever to family life. Do we have a family life, even? Incidentally, this is not temporary...it has been this way for about 10 years, and is a large part of the reason why working outside the home in a fulfilling career is very difficult for ME to justify/do as DH still takes the view that as his job pays so much more, it takes priority and I have to shoulder everything domestic. He also regularly turns down any suggestion of theatre/ cinema/ cup of tea in the garden together/ a walk/ midweek social occasions as he has work to do. Go on, tell me I am an ungrateful cow as he is working hard for us and I am jolly lucky to be so privileged as to be a SAHM with no money worries. Or tell me to leave him as I gaining nothing by being with him.

Helen I am not sure it is what I signed up for when we had children - I always intended to work, but that is tricky without a wife!

Yes, the DC are teens now so it is theoretically MUCH easier to work as they will not starve to death if childcare fails for a day or two for any reason. So I should do that really, I guess....

I am not sure that DH and I set a good example to the DC in terms of how life should be lived so not sure that divorce would be bad for them, although it would undoubtedly be disruptive to some extent. It is not like my life is living hell so perhaps I wait out them growing up and see what happens? I have thought about taking a lover to fill in the intimate side of things that I miss. I am not sure if that would be better/ worse than divorce in terms of the impact on everyone; it might be the lesser of two evils but I am guessing it could get complicated and I have been on MN long enough to know the general opinion is that it is unacceptable to have an affair.

strawberryjelly you have made good decisions. An awful lot of men at the top do seem to have appalling family lives and usually end up divorced. I suppose this is why. It is sad.

What makes you think you're rubbish at cooking and housework? Is that what your DH says? Your self-esteem sounds very low...

atswimtwolengths You think those divorced Alpha males are baring their souls in the office as to the pain they might feel? No way! They are full of bravado, showing off about the "young pieces of arse" they are pulling, competing to hire the best looking assistant, boasting about the great adventure holidays they are taking their children on in their one week a year alone with them - at least that's how it went last time I was working in banking.

Oh dear, I've got tears in my eyes reading your list of what you want from your DH. Please read that list to him. Make it clear that what you want, what you need, is him. Not his money. Him. Make it clear also that your intention is to leave if he doesn't give more of himself.

Why should you be grateful that he gives you material stuff? That's not what you asked for. You married him for himself, not his possessions, presumably. You are being offered a poor substitute. If you were living in an average 3-bed terrace on average wage, would you stay with him, with the way he currently treats you? Why does the money side make any difference at all?

If he has time to watch/do sport then he has time to give to you and his children. You need to have a serious conversation and not take no for an answer.

You don't say whether you love him or whether you believe he loves you.

What are your children's relationships with him like? You're right in that they aren't being taught a good lesson about marriage.

Actually I'm changing my mind about this - I assume that if you divorced your standard of living would remain OK and your children's lives wouldn't change too much materially. I think you're paying too high a price for your marriage - diamonds are lovely but they are not the same as a loving husband. It's lovely your children can have anything they want, but what they really would want is a father who spends time with them.

Eurostar, you're right, there are degrees of twattishness that I'm unfamiliar with. The two divorced men I work with have been badly affected by their divorces and would certainly tell other men to avoid it if possible.

longtalljosie no, I know I am! I have got round it before now by getting in chefs for dinners and/or parties and buying top brand ready meals the rest of the time. I am not interested in cooking or housework so it is ironic that those tasks have come to dominate my life. DH doesn't like me to "waste" money though so it is a bit wearing to arrange those things and then have to justify myself: when he has worked so hard to earn the money, he finds it tricky to let go of it.

Going back to a counsellor sounds sensible. DH and I went together to a marriage counsellor a few years back and were then each meant to return separately, then together again. DH never went for his solo session as he was too busy so I don't think joint sessions will work.

But really, what would a counsellor tell me that I don't already know? MN has taught me that some people have very loving and equal marriages and that that is possible. I think that is probably all I need to know except whether it is worth trading that for a life of luxury and the self respect of remaining faithful to one's commitments. And whether DH deserves more than a kick in the teeth for all of his hard work. I don't think he will ever change incidentally.

Annie you are right - the money makes no difference. I just wanted to make it clear that DH's hard work is FOR something. He provides for us, so I should be grateful and not demanding that he does all sorts of other things too eg sharing chores, as he has said that instead he is willing to pay for staff.

Love? Not any more

I had to read this twice just in case I had written it myself and forgotton!
My DH is a computer programmer and sounds just the same!
I have found it very hard to accept and still do. I have dc 2 on the way so leaving is not an option for me at present but believe me it has been considered!
You are not ungrateful and I know exactly how you feel and how lonely it can be. I don't really know what to suggest right now as I am pretty much in the same boat, but I know getting these men to do anything is not as simple as it sounds to some people. I could ask you to talk to him, but I bet you are past talking and even getting him to sit down and talk sounds almost impossible. We all have needs (well most of us) apart from being fed and watered and I'm not sure how long a marriage can last on just that.

Consider all the options when you are feeling really fed up with it and also when you are feeling 'ok' so you can make a good judgement.
Leaving for a life where you would struggle to make ends meet does not sound all that appealing but it depends in what situation you would rather be.

All his hard work? Which you and your children didn't ask for? If he defines himself by his job and his material achievements he has hardly been selfless has he?

You say he refused to go to sole counselling as he was too busy. No, he doesn't want to change. You said yourself he treats the DC like little servants. He sounds utterly self-entitled.

OP I just saw your post about not being able to work as you don't have back up. Reality check here. What, exactly do you think you would do if you were a real single parent with no back up? Even, dare I say it a single parent without a nanny? I am being harsh here as all this focus on working is a diversion from the real problem which is a lack of intimacy and caring in your marriage.

You have separate lives in your marriage and this is the real problem, not how to occupy your time. No job is going to fill that void. Your list of what would make you happy is heartbreaking. You have to talk to him.

tootooposh, I am in a similar but less extreme position to you - my husband earns 10 times what I do, and works very long hours in a City job. In the evenings, he typically gets back about 9 ish, eats, and watches sport on TV, without consulting anyone else, until bed. The whole week can go by without us having more than a few minutes' conversation. I do the bin-putting-out, put the lids back on jars for him, do nearly all the housework nearly all the time, and look after the children (now teenagers) while he goes off doing his hobby for a number of weekends a year. I think this balance of things is very normal for wives of men in this sort of job - he's so tired at the end of the day that he needs the TV to unwind before bed, and if (rarely) there's something I particularly want to watch instead, he doesn't mind. He doesn't have much input into the family except at weekends, but he does have the odd stint of chopping down bushes over a bank holiday, or hoovering at Christmas, or coming on walks on a Sunday with us, and he certainly does things like packing the car for holidays, etc. When we do get time to talk, we still share a sense of humour, etc, and we still enjoy sex when we get round to it.
What I think I'm saying here is: there are some things you mention in your post which I think are inevitable with this kind of lifestyle, but which may seem very odd to those whose husbands don't do this kind of job: but what worries me about your post is that he doesn't seem (from what you say) particularly to enjoy spending time with the family even when he does have a little spare time. If that's the case, then I think you are right to be worried and sad about it.
I do find I cope because I am very self-sufficient; I work part time and do lots of other things that can be done alone. So I don't mind the setup as much as I would otherwise. But, as others have said, there's a reason why lots of marriages fail in this sort of situation - many or most of my husband's work colleagues are divorced. Have you actually asked him how he feels and whether he is taking you for granted/too stretched to realise how you feel/using work as an excuse? He may not be able to alter his work hours, but he can be more involved with you when he is at home, at least sometimes, if he wants to: does he know how much it bothers you?
With sympathy!

...Just to add, I have made a reall effort lately to go out and meet people (mostly other mums) and start doing things. I want to get more involved with my music again and start doing things I want. It really has made me feel a bit better about myself and DH has started asking me about it more.
Before now I havent bothered with babysitters etc but I think I might find something one or two nights a week to get involved in and get a babysitter to look after DC for few hours.

Helen IKWYM - I am sure single parents with no back up absolutely have to make compromises, and that possibly their DC suffer as a result, but the point is that I don't need to do that so how can I justify STAYING in a job if and when I am needed at home as I don't need the money. Perhaps I am valuing work wrongly and should be looking at the satisfaction it would bring me but that seems selfish.

I would not be poor if I got divorced - I would probably have more spending money, actually, as DH likes to save.

wottywot I wish I had the answers. Perhaps you are young enough to work it out before a habit takes a hold.

omigawd discreet affairs are a quite possible outcome but what happens if I fall in love? Am I overthinking?

I think it might also be a good idea for you (and anyone else in the position) to maybe talk to some single mums and find out what life really is like being a single parent and what you are entitled to etc. I think it is also easy to think you (we) may find someone who will give you the things DH doesn't if we leave or be in a much better relationship but in reality that may never happen.

alice15 yes, that is it exactly, except for us it has gone steadily but surely downhill so that the sharing a soh and sex has now disappeared. Do you think you and your DH will grow apart living like that for years and years? Iake my case as a cautionary tale.

I have now got to the stage where I don't feel I can mention all this to DH unless I am prepared for him to throw his hands in the air and say "you are right. I feel the same. Let's divorce" and be mentally prepared for that. Perhaps I am heading that way.

wottywot very wise. I cannot expect a knight in shining armour but must be prepared for a life alone. And then I think that I have that already so why bother with the upset of a divorce?

tootoo - this has nothing to do with whether he should do any domestic chores. You apparently have enough money to be able to outsource that, which is a lovely situation to be in.

It's not help around the house that you want though. It's a husband, a companion, a soul-mate, a dad to your children. Those are in no way unreasonable things to want.

Earning buckets of money is never an excuse to be an arse, IMO.

I am off to bed now, with much to think about and with many thanks for advice - all helpful and constructive. I will check MN in the morning after the school run.

Exactly!
But then, it does wear you down and is very depressing isn't it at time and if that is happening surely it is better to cut your losses rather than him drag you down with him.

And why is it selfish to want a job and a life of your own? Why are you 'needed' at home? Your children are teenagers, they'll be fine! If anything, it will teach them important lessons about independence - both yours ad theirs.

I'm afraid that if there is no love between you, and he is as detached from you as it appears, then I suspect that sooner or later he will have an affair and probably leave you (if he hasn't already). workaholic or no, I can't believe a man like this is happy without sex- you aren't, after all. And I would also caution against too much complacency about your post divorce finances-your post suggest he is somewhat controlling of his money - I suspect he'd go a long way to keep his hands on it. I'm sorry, but I think you are in a vulnerable position here.

OP good point about not having to work, my DC certainly suffered but I had to provide for us so no choice there.

No love? OP you sounds like a lovely woman who has convinced herself that living like this is has to be accepted as a reasonable trade off. No one can have it all, but to want a loving marriage is NOT selfish.

DH and I have been married for 19 years, and things have been much like this for at least 10 of them - in fact in many ways I think we are coping better than we used to, because we are both better able to handle compromise.
FWIW, I don't think that this sort of detachment necessarily betokens an affair on the horizon - certainly in my case I know that DH is so busy and disorganised that he doesn't have time to have an affair and would leave traces that I would discover pretty quickly if he did.
If part-time work is an option for you, I don't think you should feel guilty about the satisfaction being more important than the money - I think that's true for me. If your husband is asking you about your music, etc, it doesn't sound as if he would necessarily object to you doing something else outside the home, and it may make you happier.
I do think that in this sort of situation the husband may be naturally less demonstrative than the wife and be taking her for granted, particularly if his own life is filled with work etc, without realising how much emptier hers is is comparison. Maybe he too wonders if the relationship has a future, but maybe he's just taking it for granted and has no idea you feel like this. If he's the same type as my husband, though, he may really hate emotional state-of-the-relationship conversations - we get on better since I stopped trying to have these!
TBH, the things that worry me most about your post are you saying that he treats the children like servants and that you aren't having sex. That's what worries me that he's not relating to the rest of the family, more than the working hours and delegation of household stuff in itself, which seems all too familiar to me.