AIBU to resent DH's job

[tootooposh]

DH works very hard and earns an extraordinarily good living for me and DC. BUT his default position at home is in front of the laptop working. If he is not actually watching sport on tv, out doing sport, or sitting in front of food, he is working. So AIBU to resent this? It is not just that occasionally I would like a hand with shopping/ cooking/ DIY/ garden/ childcare as he is willing to pay for as much help as I want, but I worry about his lack of any attention whatsoever to family life. Do we have a family life, even? Incidentally, this is not temporary...it has been this way for about 10 years, and is a large part of the reason why working outside the home in a fulfilling career is very difficult for ME to justify/do as DH still takes the view that as his job pays so much more, it takes priority and I have to shoulder everything domestic. He also regularly turns down any suggestion of theatre/ cinema/ cup of tea in the garden together/ a walk/ midweek social occasions as he has work to do. Go on, tell me I am an ungrateful cow as he is working hard for us and I am jolly lucky to be so privileged as to be a SAHM with no money worries. Or tell me to leave him as I gaining nothing by being with him.

Do you want to be here in five years time? You only get one life, make the most of it.

OP...what do you think will happen when the children leave home? When he retires and it'd just you and him rattling around in the house, sharing nothing but material things?

I agree with Elliot about it being rare for alpha male types and sex. Use of escorts was quite prevalent in the "big swinging dick" (reference to Michael Lewis's "Liar's Poker" if people dont' know what I mean) circles I have had the misfortune to frequent. Not saying that any of your DHs are up to this but absolutely agree that there is no place for complacency when it comes to protecting yourself.

What does your DH do? I ask because it might go to whether (and how) your DH might change - i.e. whether he could do it and stay in his current job. I used to work in a large city law firm which can be an extreme job of the type you describe. Most of the partners there work extremely hard, but it seemed to me that most of them kept some kind of balance and certainly really enjoyed the time they spent with their family (even if they do not spend as much time with them as most people). There were certainly some who were as you describe your DH, and they seemed to me to fall into 2 categories:-

1. those who were not quite as clever or charismatic as some of their colleagues, and for whom being constantly available is their way of winning client loyalty. I just don't think someone like this could cut down on their work (without moving jobs) because they would know they they would struggle to win work on the basis of their legal skills or charisma alone. Obviously a change in jobs would be a possibility (and probably better for them for all sorts of reasons - it must be awful to work like this).

1. those who could professionally afford to have a bit more balance without it really affecting their career (because they are excellent lawyers) but who for some reason or another have just got into a bad routine, whether because they are not happy at home or have somehow become defined by their job or are very insecure or find it hard to delegate or just really enjoy it or whatever). Someone like this (so long as not completely insecure) ought to be able to change (and to know this because they see what their colleagues do), but having got into the habit, they would need to really want to and what probably need a lot of support (not least because their clients will have become used to their working practices!)

What a sad post. It's like a relationship from the fifties, it doesn't belong in the 21st century!

YANBU at all. You deserve so much better than this.

I don't think you are over thinking but I do think you need to understand where he is first IMO. Unless someone has done a high level job they will have no idea of the commitment required and how exhausting it is, and just wanting to veg out is pretty normal. If DH is first ill then perks up after a few days holiday than that's a typical sign of exhaustion and stress.

OP you also need to understand that in many of these professions there is no "80% effort / 80% money" option, it's usually flat out or right out.

Quite a few men have said to me that they can't talk to their sahm DW about much more than kids routines and daily trivia and wish the interesting person they married would come back, so I think doing your own thing is probably a very good idea - you guys may just be in a total rut.

Having said all that the lack of interest in the kids is odd, that's the thing I'd be most concerned about.

OP

what you have to take on board are the comments about your life when the kids have gone.

You also need to think about your values. work is not about simply money- well, not for some people. it's about self worth and - being a bit pious- about contributing to society some of time too and giving back via your skills.

If you don't want to work for money then be a volunteer. Give your time.

The telling sign in all of this is not that your Dh has a busy job but that he is too busy for you when he does have time.

I have a close friend whose DH has a very top job and spends 7% of his time flying round the world, orking weekends, working evenings from home etc etc.

The upside is they have a lovely home, 3 kids all went to private schools, and she doesn't need to work- but she does- part time.

However, the difference between you and them is that her Dh will do family things when he CAN. she books the holidays every year and gives him the dates and they go in his diary. She books family occasions or meetings with friends, tells him when, and he goes.

Your Dh appears to have opted out and i really think from what you have said that he is using work as an excuse.

do you?

How have things got this bad withut you talking to him about it all?

Thanks, everyone. I wrote a long reply a while ago and then incompetently wiped it!

I will start looking at courses/ jobs. DH did used to be laid back and fun when he was younger so perhaps he might revert to type when he finally retires....for the moment he has a tendency to be arrogant and domineering but that goes with the territory of being a demigod at work, I guess. In my usual field, DH is very well known which makes me think I might retrain so that I can get a job on my own merits and not because people want to have a route to DH (DH jokes that is how I got my last job).

I agree that DH's kind of job cannot be done 80% - like any CEO, top banker, city lawyer, oncall consultant which leaves me still in a quandary.

How did we get this far without speaking? Well, it is a gradual process and one lives in hope of excess work being a temporary state. Also, it is only recently that I have twigged (thanks a bit to MN) that I can expect more from a marriage than a business partnership and that that is what I would like. I am nurturing all my female friends and that helps fill the emotional gap.

It is DH's attitude to the DC that makes me most likely to leave, but that is a whole other thread.

I have a lot of food for thought now and am going to step away from the thread and consider my options. Big family upheavals are due next week so that might crystallise something or other.

Thank you to everyone for the brilliant support and advice.

"DH jokes that is how I got my last job"

Does he?

Does he have any old mates who can take him down a peg or two? Sounds like he's starting to believe his own propaganda...

Rather than retraining, you could just use your maiden name at work? Even if people do know anyway, that sends a signal you want to be taken seriously as an individual in your own right...