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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DV - how can I help my friend.

22 replies

squeakytoy · 05/06/2011 10:30

Can anyone advise me on what advice I can give to her as her partner has beaten her up and its not for the first time. This time was apparently in front of their 6yo child. :(

She has called the police on him before and he was arrested and they did split up for a while, but like a fool she went back to him.

He is verbally abusive to her all the time, and drinks heavily.

They own a property but are not married.

OP posts:
TDada · 05/06/2011 10:32

This makes me sick. Great that you are their to support her although I don't know much other than to call Womens Aid

atswimtwolengths · 05/06/2011 10:38

Encourage her to call the police on him again. She should also contact a solicitor about the property. If I were her I'd start afresh somewhere else, rather than try to keep the house. I'd want no connection with him again.

She has to leave for her child's sake. What an awful, awful man he is.

Original poster
squeakytoy · 05/06/2011 10:43

I will tell her to do that and give her the number.

I have been in a similar situation when I was younger, but luckily had no child, so I could make a clean break. I know how hard it is to leave when you are scared, and I also know how hard it is to kick someone out who you know will not go (which is the situation).

My advice to her is to leave today while he is out, and go to her mums. This is something that is an option, and to ring the police too. (She has bruises).

I just wondered though what the legal aspects are. She wants him to leave their house, but he says he wont go.

OP posts:
UsedToBePeedOff · 05/06/2011 10:45

Just be there for her. You cant make her leave and it is agonising to sit and watch. Remember she has been worn down for possibly YEARS of abusive behaviour and you need to get strong before leaving, which can take years.
There are many many stages before this happens. I am speaking from personal experience.
If she can get him arrested and charged he could be forced to attend an abuser programme which would mean additional support for her. Also SS needs to be involved so that as many agencies are involved as possible.

tribpot · 05/06/2011 10:49

Women's Aid will be best placed to advise but you're right, the priority is for her and her ds to be safe. She can then look at court orders which will prevent him from coming within a certain distance of her. But first things first: get out, talk to Women's Aid and contact the police.

Original poster
squeakytoy · 05/06/2011 10:50

She knows I am there for her, but without giving away too much, I am in a very awkward postion. But I have made it very clear to her that I am on her side.

OP posts:
UsedToBePeedOff · 05/06/2011 10:56

Get Women's Aid involved, with her permission.
Get the police involved, and as many other people (ie her family) as you can, also with her permission.
As far as possible respect her wishes, if you dont then she may well go back to the devil she knows.

Take photographs of her injuries.
Keep a bag for her at yours with important documents, passports, bank cards and some clothes. Just in case she needs to get out fast.
Sorry about brusque tone of this, am typing fast as have small child begging attention!

atswimtwolengths · 05/06/2011 10:57

I'm always at a loss to see why women stay in that situation. Tell her to forget staying in the house - it will only drag on any negotiations. He will know she wants it and that will make him fight harder to keep it. If she says she just wants the money from it, that will take his bargaining tool away.

If she goes to the police he will get charged. If she doesn't he will do worse next time. Can't she see that?

Original poster
squeakytoy · 05/06/2011 11:04

I can understand why people stay :( . I stayed when I should have gone the first time, but older and (slightly) wiser now, I know that she needs to get out and not go back to him because he just is not going to change. Ever.

I also know though how persuasive he can be, and how much she loves him. Foolish girl :(

OP posts:
UsedToBePeedOff · 05/06/2011 11:17

No he will not change, you are right. He has no reason to.
You have a tough job ahead of you. Your friend may know what she should do but be unable to do it. However there is a massive urgency because of her child being involved.
SS should become involved as they may well place the child on the Child Protection Register as they will be deemed to be "at risk". Not pleasant but this man needs to know people are on to him.
All this will doubtless be overwhelming to your friend but needs to be done. This man is dangerous and she needs to get out any way she can. If not she is setting a horrendous example for her 6 yr old that will do untold damage. Sad

Alambil · 05/06/2011 11:25

there isn't a child protection register any more. There would be meetings with SS and various other agencies to determine whether the child needs a child protection plan, or whether a lesser level of "protection" is suitable.

It isn't a scary thing - SS won't give a cp plan out willy nilly and they won't aim to take the children from her. They WILL aim to support her through every step of her journey whilst she gets out, stays safe and sets up her new life.

UsedToBePeedOff · 05/06/2011 13:39

My mistake Lewisfan, my own DC was on the Register less than a year ago - thankfully not any more, so I wasn't up-to-date.
It certainly wasn't scary for me, I saw them as people there to help and protect myself and DC, and they did Smile

Alambil · 05/06/2011 13:59

sorry if I was a little abrupt - just been on cp training so it's all fresh

"they" say now that it's called a plan because it's an active thing. Being on a list doesn't actually protect - it's just a list, whereas having a plan (of action) is protective by it's very nature.

UsedToBePeedOff · 05/06/2011 16:55

You didn't come across as abrupt Lewisfan. Anyway give me accurate concise info over kisses and hearts any day!

Original poster
squeakytoy · 05/06/2011 18:51

Okay, she has gone to her mums. Hopefully she will stay there now and be safe. But what happens now.

I will be a bit more honest. This isnt a friend. This is my DIL. I am just so so fucking disgusted with my stepson for his behaviour. My husband is heartbroken and is viewing this as doing what his right for his grandchild, and at pains not to take sides other than to make sure our DIL knows that we fully support her, and will do whatever we can to help her get out of, and stay out of this situation.

My lovely MIL is also in bits at hearing what her grandson has done.

I am usually able to have an answer and a workable solution to everything, but this is just awful. We cant (as much as we want to right now) disown my stepson. We know a lot of his behaviour stems from his childhood (he witnessed his mother go through successive violent relationships (after she split up with his dad), but that does not excuse his behaviour.

My stepson has anger issues, thinks he is above the law, and is a bully. :(

OP posts:
tribpot · 05/06/2011 18:57

How awful for you and your dh, squeaky. :( But hard as it sounds, I think you still need to encourage her to go to the police.

Hope you sleep a little better tonight knowing she and her ds are safe.

Original poster
squeakytoy · 05/06/2011 19:06

Thanks Trib.

We went round there after I started the thread this morning (stepson had gone out with his mates for the day on a pre-arranged trip).

We have told her that she should go to the police. She wont. We have told her that we would not have a problem with her going to the police. (His mother went ballistic at her on the previous occasion for ringing them Hmm ).

It goes without saying that me and husbands ex-wife dont see eye to eye or get on. She has always been of the opinion that the sun shines out of her sons backside and he can do no wrong.

We have tried to assure DIL that we dont have this view, and that something needs to be done that will give him a bloody good sharp shock, and that means the law.

Her mum arrived while we were there, understandably furious, and we made sure to assure her that we were not going to take sides, and were as angry as she was with stepson.

We all agree he needs to see someone professional to deal with his issues. Drink and drugs are involved too. But how the hell do we go about convincing him that he is going to lose his daughter too if he doesnt do something when he doesnt think he has any problems.

I feel like we are living in the middle of a Jeremy Kyle episode today. :(

OP posts:
tribpot · 05/06/2011 19:16

Sorry I realised I referred to your DIL's ds but meant dd. I would speak to Women's Aid yourself to see if there's anything they could do to help - this is guesswork but I imagine you could speak to the police for advice yourself without necessarily naming names.

Sadly I fear she is not yet ready to make the final break from him but sincerely hope that I am wrong :(

Original poster
squeakytoy · 05/06/2011 19:21

I dont think she is ready either :(

She still believes in happy endings and roses over the doorway. She still believes him every time he says it wont happen again.

She doesnt want to leave her house, uproot grandchild, etc, because she hasnt done anything wrong, and I totally feel for her, because she hasnt, and it isnt fair. But I would rather have them safe than dead. :(

OP posts:
Alambil · 05/06/2011 21:38

Your step-son could look in to the Turning Point programme - it's for perpetrators of DV which aims to help them understand why they do it and change.

They could have a break whilst he does that; it would give her a short-term plan which may not be so scary as a full on split and she would see how much better off without him she is during that time... perhaps?

Alambil · 05/06/2011 21:41

oops - not turning point; that's for something different.

The one I was thinking of is Respect

sorry

bejeezus · 06/06/2011 00:06

she can get an Occupation Order to make him leave the home, if she wants to stay in it- needs to see a solicitor

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