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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice anyone?

60 replies

CONFUSED1 · 15/11/2005 15:38

Hi - I have only just found out I am pregnant with my second child and my DH is over the moon as are the rest of the family. However, i did a stupid thing and I have slept with another man and from the dates there is a chance that this baby could be his and not my DH. I have never done that before and believe me I regret it but now I am faced with telling my husband the truth. One suggestion is that I have an abortion but I cannot face the thought of doing this as I truly believe that this could be my DH baby?

Very confused!

OP posts:
doormat · 15/11/2005 15:46

I would tell your husband the truth confused1.
cant really give any more advice but someone will be along soon.
hugs
xxx

shannen · 15/11/2005 15:52

My instinct would be that you have to tell your husband. Even if the baby was his you would never know for sure and that will eat away at you for years to come.

I can imagine that that will be unbelievably hard and may result in your realtionship breaking down, but it is the only option.

How would you feel if the child resembles the other man when it is older? Would you want to keep the babay even if it is the other mans?

You must be going through hell that I can't imagine. Sorry to be of no help.

crimbocrazy · 15/11/2005 15:52

What a horrible situation to be in!!!!

Not much I can say but the truth usually finds its way but only you know whats best for you.

Original poster
CONFUSED1 · 15/11/2005 15:53

Thank you

I am thinking the same but I know it will break his heart and I have to think how this will affect my DD. Feeling very alone at the moment as I probably deserve to be.

Thanks again

OP posts:
doormat · 15/11/2005 15:54

Never feel alone
xxx

shannen · 15/11/2005 15:54

You don't deserve to be alone. You made a mistake, it dosn't make you a bad person.

Do you think that your husband will leave you for sure?

steph1974 · 15/11/2005 15:55

Yeh,you should tell him,it will drive you mad for years to come otherwise.

Original poster
CONFUSED1 · 15/11/2005 16:08

I think he probably would leave me and that's probably what I deserve but he doesn't deserve to be put through this, i did make a mistake and boy am I paying for it but I just don't know what to do??? I feel very angry with myself for putting my DH and DD through this for a huge mistake I made.

OP posts:
steph1974 · 15/11/2005 16:16

No he doesnt deserve it but either way he'll get hurt,if you tell him now or leave it for years to come its going to hurt him,I think it will just start to cause a huge wedge between the two of you if you keep it to yourself for the next how ever many years.Or are you hoping to never tell him?What if the child looks alot like the guy you slept with,are you planning on keeping it from the child who his/her real father is?Would it be fair to do that?Good luck with whatever you decide.

Original poster
CONFUSED1 · 15/11/2005 16:24

I know in my heart I will have to tell him I just have to make it soon and live with the consequences.

OP posts:
steph1974 · 15/11/2005 16:30

Is there no way of telling for sure with the dates?Or was it too close together?Do you know exactly when it was you were with both of them?

crimbocrazy · 15/11/2005 16:40

This happened to me when I got pregnant with DD (6). I had only known DP a couple of months and had been seeing this other guy on and off for about a year. The other guy didn't want commitment but DP did. There was a space of about a week as DP had gone on holiday with his mates and I slept with other guy.

I was 70% sure it was DP's and 30% of me thought it was the other guy's.

Anyway gave birth to DD with DP by my side, the other guy had long since disappeared, as soon as I saw DD I knew she was DP's daughter. She was very dark haired and had lovely tanned skin, just like her dad, from that moment on I knew who her Dad was and boy was I grateful!!!!!

Now I have DS and I know without a doubt who he's Dad is and they are spitting image of each other, brown hair brown eyes (I have fair hair and blue eyes).

Just think about things Confused before you do something you may regret if you are not totally certain because you could be wrong and then you would be ruining everything for nothing.

steph1974 · 15/11/2005 16:48

Lucky for crimbocrazy that her daughter looked like her partner as soon as she saw her but what if that isnt the case with you,you just dont know till he/she is born and what a stressful pregnancy that would be and birth for that matter,oh I really dont know what to say for the best,cos like crimbocrazy says it could all be for nothing but what if it turns out to be the other guys child,then you'll have to tell your partner and will he be able to forgive you for letting him believe it was his baby all through the pregnancy etc.

Either way its not going to be easy but I think you can limit the damage somewhat if you tell him now,or maybe wait till the birth and if you still cant be sure that the baby is your partners then tell him but I certainly wouldnt go through years of marriage keeping him in the dark if you know that it may not be his.

MeerkatsUnite · 15/11/2005 16:51

You have been given great advice.

Would you though consider having a DNA test done when the child is born?. This is the surest way of determing the parentage.

crimbocrazy · 15/11/2005 16:54

Yes you are right Steph, I was so lucky as DP is still by my side. I know the other guy wouldn't have been. I am not sure what I would have done if DD hadn't have looked like him, would I have told him? Or just wondered and still be wondering, I think I would have done a DNA test without him knowing and then once I knew for definite would have told him!!!!

I was pretty sure it was DP's as I knew my cycle quite well but there was still some doubt and it was only a week between them both.

steph1974 · 15/11/2005 16:54

I was thinking that but doesnt she have to have the partners consent,so he would have to be told wouldnt he?Oh no I get you,duh,she could test the other bloke couldnt she?!!God am I dim or what?!!

steph1974 · 15/11/2005 16:57

Yeh think that may be the best way to go,if you can test the other guy,and then go from there,and hopefully it will be your partners and all this could be avoided,thats if you are still in touch with the other guy?

ggglimpopo · 15/11/2005 17:38

Message withdrawn

Avalon · 15/11/2005 17:42

I agree with ggglimpopo.

Original poster
CONFUSED1 · 15/11/2005 18:26

The man I slept with was someone from work and we still have to work together. He knows about the baby and I think he would support me if I asked but that is not what I want.

When we did do it we were very drunk (no excuse) and he didn't em 'finish' so to speak so the chances of this baby being his are slim but the time of conception was either the day we did it or the day before so very close!

OP posts:
Original poster
CONFUSED1 · 15/11/2005 18:38

The last message sounds like I'm an ungrateful witch but what I meant was that me and the fella at work couldnt have a relationship as it just wouldnt work - there was only sexual attraction there.

I feel that this is my husbands baby but as we have been trying for 18 months this seems like too much of a coincidence.

My husband has blue eyes and the other has brown soI think it would be obvious straight away if the baby wasn't my husbands, wouldn't it?

OP posts:
noddyholder · 15/11/2005 18:42

I wouldn't tell either Can't believe I am saying this but I thin k you have so much to lose and it is better for you to carry the guilt than hurt him Unless of course you think he could rise above and accept it which you have indicated he prob wouldn't.i really feel for you

NotQuiteCockney · 15/11/2005 18:43

If he didn't finish, the odds of the baby being his are very slim, particularly if you had more ... procreative? ... intercourse with your DH soon after or before.

(you should still tell your DH)

NotQuiteCockney · 15/11/2005 18:44

What colour eyes do you have?

ggglimpopo · 15/11/2005 19:13

Message withdrawn

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