Advice anyone?

[CONFUSED1]

Hi - I have only just found out I am pregnant with my second child and my DH is over the moon as are the rest of the family. However, i did a stupid thing and I have slept with another man and from the dates there is a chance that this baby could be his and not my DH. I have never done that before and believe me I regret it but now I am faced with telling my husband the truth. One suggestion is that I have an abortion but I cannot face the thought of doing this as I truly believe that this could be my DH baby?

Very confused!

Yes, eyes are a bit tricky, but if CONFUSED1's eyes are blue, and her DH's eyes are blue, too, then their kids can only have blue eyes. (I think?)

If CONFUSED1's eyes are hazel etc, then maybe brown eyes aren't possible in their kids. Dunno.

At any rate, eye colour only becomes obvious in the months after birth, so it's not a very fast indicator, and may not be a guaranteed one.

even though I have never cheated on dp, I have been tempted, and this is exactly the reason I never have gone there. I feel so crap for you, no one can judge, alcohol does affect your judgement, and sometimes "just" being a mum and housekeeper isn't enough - I'm sure we all would love to have the tummy feeling you get when you meet someone new.

If you think your DH would accept the situation with a DNA test I think you should tell him, but I have to be honest, in your position I'm not sure I would. Conflicting advice I know.

I am weeks away from giving birth and dh did not finish either. so just as an aside.. conception can occur still. Also eye colour can vary in families.

You live with it either way - so keep your marriage, if you know you are very happy. It was one night compared to a life time.

When I met dp he was still living in his marital home and whilst I was crazy about him I was unsure as to whether his story was true (ie his marriage had irrevocably broken down). So I went on holidays and slept with a bloke I had previously known. It was a stupid drunken mistake and I paid for it dearly - I got pregnant. But the tragedy was that I thought it was dp's as I was sure that I had used protection on holiday but when the doctor told me the dates I realised that it couldn't have been. As my holiday romance was a black guy and I am white I wasn't in a position to try to pass the baby off as dp's.

When I told dp the truth there was a deafening silence and then he said to me 'I suppose you could do with a friend right now' and he gave me a big hug. He told me that he would support any decision I made and that if I wanted he would support me and bring up the baby as his own.

After much heartache I decided to have a termination. I believe that that was the best decision for me even though I have a hard time reconciling that with my beliefs and upbringing.

however my point to you is firstly I really feel for you and secondly this incedent in my life was the glue that stuck myself and dp together. When he said that sentance to me I realised what a fine person I had the fortune to have met and how much he really did care for me.

It was the singly most distressing period of my life and i'm sure it is of yours but there is a very slim chance that your dh may be able to help you through this mess. I don't know what I'm saying really but just that I feel for you and things will get better even if they get worse first.

The thing with me was that I knew DD had brown eyes, her eyes were very dark when she was born, very dark blue and her skin colouring was just like DP's, there was and still is no mistaking who her daddy is.

The other guy had greeny blue eyes and mine are blue too.

Sorry confused, not sure if you can manage without fessing up, regardless of any comeback...
I was seeing a lovely tall blue eyed man Call him Steve when one night I met exp - it was bang instant love...
I was 22 and found out I was pregnant about 7 weeks later, my partner knew that ds could have been fathered by Steve, although time led us to believe it was exp's baby not Steves.
Exp has brown eyes, mine are blue, ds has eyes very blue like mine, ds is very tall, whereas exp and I are not really, but one of my brothers is very tall....
In any case exp is ds's dad, it has always been so, I'd be shocked if he wasn't and could not have lived with this as a secret. I feel bad enought that I never told Steve I was pregnant...

I cannot promise how your dh will react but if he were to find out in 2 5 or 20 yrs time it would be more devastating.
Hope you find some peace somehow..
xxxxxxxx

Thank you to you all for your support just being able to talk about it has really helped.

I am still undecided but I think I will have to tell him as I don't think I can live the rest of my life lying about something so huge.

I am seeing the doctor tomorrow and if I am going to tell him it will have to be this weekend. The sooner the better.

I just pray that he can find some forgiveness and we can at least try and sort things out.

Good luck confused, I really hope you are OK over the weekend and I think you are doing the right thing xxxx let us know if you are OK

Good luck. I really hope it works out well for you all.

I will do.

The only thing stopping me is that I am not sure if it is best to tell him now or wait until after the baby is born as I maybe upsetting his life, my DD life and the people around us for nothing.

At least when the baby is born I will know. My DD is the spitting image of him and I am sure if this baby is his it will be the same.

It's a cruel situation either way but waiting may save a lot of unnecassary heartache.

I am all messed up again and can't make my mind up, one minute I am set on telling him and then the next I think it is better to wait.

The doctor suggested an abortion may be the answer but I am set against this. I think that having to pass off an abortion as a miscarriage would be a cop out and I know I have to face up to this one way or the other!

A bit shocked at the doc suggesting an abortion! Yes it is an option but whoever the father is its still your baby!!

Its up to you if you wait til the baby is born, but be prepared for a very stressful pregnancy. Are you sure aswell that your work colleague won't start causing aggro when you are a few months further along, ie. wanting to play a part if the baby is his??

Don't put a deadline on when you tell your DH because you can't think straight like that. Do you have a close friend that you could confide in and have a good cry?

This must be so difficult for you, you have all my sympathy.

If you wait until the baby is born and then find out it is not your husband's will you tell him then? I would imagine that he is going to be very hurt and angry to start with even if you do patch up things in the long term.

How will you cope with a brand new baby, an older child and one probably very pissed off and angry husband?? Maybe divorce, money worries etc.

Also this could devastate your existing child. Maybe losing daddy and also to a degree mummy to the new baby may cause problems for her.

All this stress may increase a chance of PND.

If you tell him now at least you will have the next few months to sort out everything.

Good luck for whatever you decide.

I can't discuss this with anyone apart from you guys. I thought about telling a close friend but her husband is best friends with mine - I wouldn't want to burden her with this.

I am 100% sure I will tell my husband but when I don't know.

You are right Kathlean that the other guy may decide he wants to get involved. However, he has a long term girlfriend and I am sure he won't be thinking of telling her amytime soon!

I'm on my own on this one and only I can decide.
I haven't been sleeping - only a couple of hours a night as I suffer from chronic back pain (since having my DD) but the stress of this situation isn't helping me nor my unborn baby I am sure.

Whatever I do I will let you guys know and thanks again for yuor kindest support. xxx

I have hazel eyes and my ex has hazel eyes but my son has bluey/grey eyes but it is definately his child cos I didnt sleep with anyone else at the time and anyway he has his long eye lashes,and my daughter from a previous relationship has blue eyes like her dad not hazel like mine,the eye colour thing is a tricky one,think you'd be better going off the skin colouring really,maybe,then again though,my son is normal colouring like me but his dad is half italian so maybe thats not a good idea either.

Unless your partner has a very distinguishing feature that you see in your child instantly?I think it is maybe better to wait until the baby is born and then if you still arent sure,that would be the time to tell him.

Sorry,meant to say he has long eye lashes like his dad!

Can't add to the advice you've already had...... but on a personal note I wouldn't tell him! If he found out in years to come that the child isn't his then at least he will have bonded and the baby will have been brought up in a stable relationship.

Isn't he more likely to accept the baby as his own when he's been clueless to the dilema???

If you told him now would he ever be able to bond with the baby??? Probably not.

Thats just my POV. Don't tell him. Hope that it never ever crops up.

As for eye colour I wouldn't worry about that! If either of my children had had green eyes then I don't think my DH would hav immediately thought the baby wasn't his....... unless he already suspected that and was looking for 'evidence'.

Oh you poor thing, so sorry to hear your dilemma. I have no advice other than to say that when I was pregnant I was very stressed, kept crying, didn't know whether to keep the baby or not... then i decided i probably did want to keep it, and I was crying down the phone to my grandmother saying i have been so stressed and unhappy it is bound to have affected the baby...
She basically said that was nonsense and that the baby would be fine. As a gp and mother of five kids she thinks that there is a massive over-emphasis nowadays on the health of babies in the womb-- and that what happens after they are born is at least ten times more important.
Needless to say she was right. My daughter now six is a lovely happy relaxed child...
Anyway just thought I would share that with you-- maybe one less thing to beat yourself up about?
Take care and good luck

Have to say I'd keep quiet too. Look at it this way - you stand to lose everything if you tell him even if the baby does turn out to be his because he will feel so betrayed. But if you don't tell - the chances are that the baby is his anyway from what you say so you will have avoided massive heartache. Even if the baby isn't his he will probably never know, will bond with the child and never suspect. It's only with 2 blue eyed parents that a brown eyed baby is impossible. Apparently studies show that there are an awful lot of babies growing up out there with dads who are blissfully ignorant that they are not the biological father and who will never know.

Ask yourself why you want him to know -is it to absolve your own guilt? Will it help him to know?

Thanks for your comments. I see what you say.

Myself and my DH are both blue eyed so as you say brown eyes are impossible. The 'other' guy has brown eyes!

I don't 'want' him to know and I can live with the guilt of sleeping with another man. That's easy in comparison but I know if this baby has brown eyes I would tell my husband as it is unfair for him to devote his life to a child that is not his.

I think that I am going to keep quiet for now and see how things go. I am only 7 weeks gone so I have plenty of time to think about whats best.

I do appreciate all your advice.

xxxx

Sorry but wont the guilt/not knowing eat you up for the rest of your life,I know it would me,I would find it so stressful knowing I was possibly passing off someone else child as my partners,not saying go ahead and tell him,I'm just thinking even if you dont tell him wont you be still tearing yourself apart questioning whether you are doing the right thing,especially if it becomes more obvious to you later down the line that the baby isnt your partners?

I really feel for you being in this situation,and dont envy you for the decision that you have to make and stick to but like I said before good luck.

Weel it does give you kind of an advantage if both you and your partner are blue eyed as if the baby has brown eyes then you know whose it is,so I think really it wont do any good to tell him at the moment,wait till the birth and if the baby has brown eyes and resembles your partner then you have saved both of you alot of heartache,like you say you can live with keeping an affair secret but keeping secret that its someone elses child is too big a secret for anyone I think.I would say bide your time and see what develops.Hope you have a magnificent pregnancy and a wonderful baby!

"Weel",weeeellllll.......you know you make me wanna shout!!Sorry a bit of Lulu came out on the last post!!!

I would keep quiet and carry it to the grave, if you're happy and you want to stay that way. We all make mistakes, it's how we learn. Why upset your family needlessly. I would worry about the other man knowing he may be the father though, I wouldn't have told him. Good luck anyway. If you tell him now, could you be certain he'd stay with you for being unfaithful in the first place. It's not just the biological father who makes a good father!

I agree with the 'keep quiet' camp. I read somewhere that when this happens, it's more likely that the woman's regular partner is the dad (it's some sort of chemical sperm wars business I think).

Also, when people confess big secrets like this it's sometimes more to unburden themselves than to help the other person. What he doesn't know won't hurt him and he will still be the baby's dad in all the ways that matter.