I think he's about to leave me for good - what should I do?

[JaceyBee]

Hi

I've not posted about this before but am a regular and some of you may know me from other threads. Basically, a couple of months ago my dh said he wasn't happy and he moved into a house that his mum owns down the road to get some space and think about what he wants to do. He swore that it was not about someone else, that he loves me and I haven't done anything wrong but he basically just hates his life.

I was pretty confused and upset, he had said to be fair that he wasn't happy a few times over past couple of years but I was never sure what I exactly do about it. I always suggested couples counselling but he was dead against it (I work in a similar field which complicates things). I know he thinks we don't have much of a relationship any more, we have to dcs 6 and 4 and a lot of my focus and attention is taken up with them, plus he is self-employed and works a lot of hours and I work part-time too, often in the evenings so we didn't get to spend a lot of time together. It wasn't bad though, we enjoy each others company for the most part, we like and respect each other and still have sex. There wasn't really any bitterness or contempt or arguing or anything. I know we weren't perfect but I still really believed we would always be together and grow old together, that's what I still want.

He talked about feeling almost dead and alive at the same time and I thought he sounded quite depressed so I found him an experienced therapist who he has been seeing weekly which is hopefully something he will continue to do long term for his own sake. He's just a bit of a mess, he doesn't know whether he's coming or going. One day he says he wants to try and sort it out, then he talks about renting a flat and separating properly. He said from the beginning though that he still wants to see me, like date me almost, go for dinner, drinks that sort of thing. I was happy to do this, we were still sleeping together too and he said he couldn't imagine doing that with anyone else.

Anyway, last weekend we had a bit of an argument, I wasn't feeling very patient and he got pretty defensive, sunday night basically ended with me in floods of tears and him not being able to do a lot to reassure me. I thought at the time he seemed pretty cold and detached, whereas before he has been quite loving towards me. I have not seen or spoken to him a lot since, he has been here once to look after the dcs while I worked but I hardly saw him. I texted him on tuesday though saying would he like to spend the weekend together, the dcs are going to my mums and we could just relax and hang out, see how we fell about each other and have some time just to be together, which is what he said was what he really wanted. I said I wasn't asking if he was coming back for good, just did he want to spend this weekend together. It is actually our 6 year wedding anniversary tomorrow too, timing!

He replied that he didn't know, he had to think about it and would tell me wednesday or thursday which to me didn't sound good. I text him earlier about a separate matter, not mentioning the weekend and he replied saying that if he didn't see me tonight he would call me tomorrow in the day.

So basically I am in double limbo, I don't know what to do. I am pretty sure in my heart that if he doesn't want to see me on our anniversary or spend a weekend with me without the kids then it has to be over, I don't see how he can still love me and not want that. I feel like i just need to know now either way, I have been patient for 2 months now and I can't take the constant knot in my stomach any more.

I will cope ok on my own I know that, I have my dcs who are amazing and I am only 32 and haven't quite gone to seed! I think my friends would say I should take the control back and kick him out if he doesn't want to see me this weekend but I really don't like ultimatums, god fuck knows anyone got any advice???

Thanks so much.x

Do you think that there is someone else involved here?

Sounds a bit suss that he 'doesn't know' whether or not he wants to see you on your anniversary? Almost like he waiting to see if he will have 'other plans'

I think he's already ended the marriage for you, at least on his part, sorry.

I know how horrible it is for you but if he has been 'not sure' for the last 2 months than I'm pretty certain he'll remain so for a while longer yet.

He has you sat waiting for him. Not knowing which way to turn......

I think he is leading you on here.

And yes. Take back the control and tell him it's now or never.

Agree mouseface.

I think your marriage is already over.

Take some control back.

I think you've been really patient with him and hopefully he is getting treatment, I'm just very stuck on how he wants his own place and to still date you. It sounds like he wants the best of both worlds. His own place where he can retreat to and be a bloke and a girl waiting for him when he is keen.
If I were you, I would stop offering nights out and stop being available to him when it suits him. Next time he asks, say you are busy/have plans. Let him wait on you, which if he truly wants you, he will do.

Horrible situation to be in.

OK about the weekend - he has a choice, doesn't he?

a) he can stay in on his own or be with you
b) he can go out with someone else or be with you

If he doesn't want to be with you, you have been told straight, haven't you? See what he does - don't ask any more. If he chooses not to be with you, tell him where to go.

I don't agree with all this waiting till he knows what he wants (not just you - others, too.) He shouldn't be given the option - if he doesn't want to be with you, it's because he thinks he'll be happier without you.

I agree with Mouseface - he's leading you on. Don't let him.

''One day he says he wants to try and sort it out, then he talks about renting a flat and separating properly. He said from the beginning though that he still wants to see me, like date me almost, go for dinner, drinks that sort of thing. I was happy to do this, we were still sleeping together too and he said he couldn't imagine doing that with anyone else. ''

Re read that passage to yourself. Why were you happy to do this? He has left you (with very vague reasons) with 2 children, but still wants to date you? And you let him.

Have you had any kind of couples counselling together?

I also feel like someone else could be involved. He is currently stringing you along which is totally unacceptable. I would ask him directly whether there is someone else. You can either ask him to move back in permanently or move out permanently including all his stuff and get a divorce. I don't think it is good for you to allow him to let everyone live in limbo like this. Please consider the eventuality that he may be seeing someone else as it is a horrible horrible shock.

Hi, no we haven't he refuses. Because of the kind of work I do at least partially. He needs to work through some stuff on his own first anyway though I think.

Yes he does have a choice, he can see me, see his mates or be on his own. I agree that he will be sending me a pretty clear message if he chooses not to see me though. I think I will have to assume if he chooses to do something else this weekend I can consider my marriage over.

I know it sounds stupid but I am scared to be sitting here on my own on my weddig anniversary while he's off somewhere else drinking or whatever.

Have read some of your other posts. Really shitty situation.

In dh's country there is an expression 'It's easy for the single man to get divorced'. i.e. It's easy for someone who hasn't been there to advise on what you should do. But really, in your situation it does seem blindingly obvious to those of us not inside your marriage that your dh is NOT behaving very well or fairly to you.

Perhaps you would feel stronger and less hurt and anguished by the whims of his hot/cold on/off behaviour if you said enough is enough. If you do issue him an ultimatum and he doesn't come up with the goods then you haven't lost anything because it was never going to happen anyway. If you then started taking serious legal action to formally separate and no longer 'see' him on dates (or in bed), perhaps it would be the cold slap in the face to bring him to his senses and realise what he's losing. Perhaps it would have no effect on him and so you would realise that what you've lost is already gone.

Hope it works out for the best - as you can tell I'm no marriage guidance counsellor.

I have some experience of separation and divorce. My advice would be to give things time. Don't push him. If you still love him then give him the space he needs. Sometimes people don't know what they've got until it's gone. It sounds trite but divorce is a world of pain for you and your dcs so a little patience now may well be worth it in the long run.
Get out a bit, don't dwell, get some hobbies, above all don't make it so intense for him. If you push things now, you may well lose him forever.
If I had my time again...I know it's easy to be wise after the event but a little space now, may make him realise what's at stake. The grass is rarely greener on the other side of the fence. If he doesn't, well you have to let him go. Take care.x

thank you rosy. Actually that has been exactly my instinct so far, to be patient, play the long game, let things unfold slowly and not push him. He is clearly in a bad way. Unfortunately it seems it is no longer an effective strategy! However, I do not want to divorce him that is an absolute last resort for me. I think though that I may well go and see a solicitor at some point, we own the house jointly and are married so I must have some rights.

slambang, you talk a lot of sense - and I have a suspicion that if we do formally split up he may well want to come back at some point in the future. He says he wants to put the dcs and me 'on hold' for a couple of years, well that just ain't realistic is it! And I will not be waiting in on my own every night that's for sure.

'put me and the dcs on hold for a couple of years'

That's all you need to know. It's over.

Crikey, what on earth have you told the children? Do they know that sometimes you and daddy stay in the same bed? Do they sometimes wake up and he's there but mostly not? Do you have 'family' days out?

I can't imagine how confusing this must be for them, especially the 6yr old.

very sad.

No, he can't put you and his dcs on hold for two years. What a child.

Playing the long game might well be screwing up the dcs even if it might be what you think is best for you?

Really feel for you but man, he has it made doesn't he.

Also, if he is mentally unwell and seeing a therapist etc, and this is the excuse 9or the reality) for him, then I suggest you organise scheduled contact dates for the DCs.

As I say, what do they think is going on?

And yes, as you are married and have children, of course you have rights.

I think you could do with seeing a solicitor too, just for some advice. Do you have separate bank accounts?

Who is paying the bills/mortgage while he is living elsewhere?

Gosh, sorry for a third post in a row, but I hope his children never come to hear that moved out because 'he hated his life' living with them.

"Crikey, what on earth have you told the children? Do they know that sometimes you and daddy stay in the same bed? Do they sometimes wake up and he's there but mostly not? Do you have 'family' days out?"

Fucking hell UA, yes exactly that. I have tried to be as honest as I can with the dcs but the problem is when ds(6) asked if we were splitting up is I can only answer 'I don't know yet' because that's the truth. They know that me and daddy are having some problems and he has been staying in grannys house and that we still both love them very much and all that. I think we (me and the dcs) know that we will be ok though, sometimes I even think I might be a better parent on my own.

He is paying the same as ever so far with the mortgage and bills here, he's paying no rent where he is now so no reason not to. He did say when he first left that he would never stitch me up, that he would never do wrong by me and the dcs financially. We'll see though.

And no, of course we would never say that to them. He can bloody well explain to them though, it's his responsibility.

What has DH said to them? Did you tell them these things together?

Frankly, you sound a very good mother and yes, you would certainly manage well on your own and without being dicked around so much by their father.

If he hated his life with you and his children, has he found nirvana living on his own (allegedly) at granny's place?

Is granny ok about it all? I mean, is she fully expecting him to move back into his 'hated' family home any time soon?

I mean, that knotted stomach thing is a killer. I bet he isn't suffering from it.

Stop dating him, stop giving him enough rope to hang you with.

Please please for the love of god at the very least stop being at his back and call and sleeping with him. He is having his cake and eating it and he doesnt even have to deal with the thought of what life without you would really be like. You are clearly showing him you will do whatever he wants of you.

That doesnt mean divorce or ultimatums but you have to set up some boundaries for your own sanity.

Glad to see you getting a bit angry Jacey. I would be spitting tacks by now.

And FWIW, when a man says 'I will always look after you financially come what may' it generally means that he has already made his mind up that it's over and, also, that it will bit a bloody shitfight when you start getting angry and divorce papers are served.

That was ment to say beck and call not back!

agree with UA as awful as it is how long are you prepared to go on like this? Your life is in limbo and if your marriage is over it's only fair that you are allowed to move on with your life. If your husband doesn't know what he wants then he needs to figure that out for himself but can't expect you and his DC to be waiting for him. Go out this weekend with your friends and concentrate on your DC and yourself for a while

You poor thing, and your poor children. You don't opt in and out of being a partner and a parent, because you want to put your family 'on hold'. This is reminding me of that Beautiful South song, 'you had a little time and you had a little fun'.

You work in counselling - what would you advise yourself to do?

Remember that you are as important as anyone else in this world. What YOU need is important.

Well he says he has been less stressed there, that it's nice to have peace and quiet when he comes home and not screaming kids. Granny (MIL) doesn't actually live there, she just stays there once a week or so. Actually she is appalled at his behaviour, as are his sisters and they have all been very supportive which is lovely.

As far as I know he hasn't really told the dcs anything, they only talk about it with me and I have been pretty diplomatic while trying not to be too vague. I think if we do decide to split we will sit them down together an tell them.