I think he's about to leave me for good - what should I do?

[JaceyBee]

Hi

I've not posted about this before but am a regular and some of you may know me from other threads. Basically, a couple of months ago my dh said he wasn't happy and he moved into a house that his mum owns down the road to get some space and think about what he wants to do. He swore that it was not about someone else, that he loves me and I haven't done anything wrong but he basically just hates his life.

I was pretty confused and upset, he had said to be fair that he wasn't happy a few times over past couple of years but I was never sure what I exactly do about it. I always suggested couples counselling but he was dead against it (I work in a similar field which complicates things). I know he thinks we don't have much of a relationship any more, we have to dcs 6 and 4 and a lot of my focus and attention is taken up with them, plus he is self-employed and works a lot of hours and I work part-time too, often in the evenings so we didn't get to spend a lot of time together. It wasn't bad though, we enjoy each others company for the most part, we like and respect each other and still have sex. There wasn't really any bitterness or contempt or arguing or anything. I know we weren't perfect but I still really believed we would always be together and grow old together, that's what I still want.

He talked about feeling almost dead and alive at the same time and I thought he sounded quite depressed so I found him an experienced therapist who he has been seeing weekly which is hopefully something he will continue to do long term for his own sake. He's just a bit of a mess, he doesn't know whether he's coming or going. One day he says he wants to try and sort it out, then he talks about renting a flat and separating properly. He said from the beginning though that he still wants to see me, like date me almost, go for dinner, drinks that sort of thing. I was happy to do this, we were still sleeping together too and he said he couldn't imagine doing that with anyone else.

Anyway, last weekend we had a bit of an argument, I wasn't feeling very patient and he got pretty defensive, sunday night basically ended with me in floods of tears and him not being able to do a lot to reassure me. I thought at the time he seemed pretty cold and detached, whereas before he has been quite loving towards me. I have not seen or spoken to him a lot since, he has been here once to look after the dcs while I worked but I hardly saw him. I texted him on tuesday though saying would he like to spend the weekend together, the dcs are going to my mums and we could just relax and hang out, see how we fell about each other and have some time just to be together, which is what he said was what he really wanted. I said I wasn't asking if he was coming back for good, just did he want to spend this weekend together. It is actually our 6 year wedding anniversary tomorrow too, timing!

He replied that he didn't know, he had to think about it and would tell me wednesday or thursday which to me didn't sound good. I text him earlier about a separate matter, not mentioning the weekend and he replied saying that if he didn't see me tonight he would call me tomorrow in the day.

So basically I am in double limbo, I don't know what to do. I am pretty sure in my heart that if he doesn't want to see me on our anniversary or spend a weekend with me without the kids then it has to be over, I don't see how he can still love me and not want that. I feel like i just need to know now either way, I have been patient for 2 months now and I can't take the constant knot in my stomach any more.

I will cope ok on my own I know that, I have my dcs who are amazing and I am only 32 and haven't quite gone to seed! I think my friends would say I should take the control back and kick him out if he doesn't want to see me this weekend but I really don't like ultimatums, god fuck knows anyone got any advice???

Thanks so much.x

Thanks guys.

Yes I am FUCKING ANGRY with him! AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH But I suppose I have been trying to play it reasonably cool, although sometimes my patience does slip and I call him a fucking selfish twat or whatever.

Luckily my dsis is having a party on saturday in London where she lives, my best friend lives there too and she knows the whole story so I can go and see them. Just a bit worried about tomorrow, don't think any of my friends round here are about, or they'll already have plans with him.

You need to have a very calm conversation with him, arranging times for him to visit the children. And then you need to get on with your everday life.

At the moment he has a place of his own and can act as though he's single, whilst at the same time, dropping in to the family home when he feels like it for sex and to play daddy. It sounds like he is having some sort of emotional crisis but as he has refused couples counselling and is seeing a therapist (after you arranged it) there isn't any more you can do to help him. Being supportive is great, but not it comes at the expense of your mental wellbeing. It must be fairly confusing for the children too.

I would seek legal advice to protect the interests of you and your children, and stop the sex/dating. If he wants to talk to you that's fine, but I think that you are actually allowing him to avoid dealing with the situation. If he wants out/ a break then letting him keep all the benefits without any of the commitment isn't going to help him decide to move back at any point.

Thanks puffin, that is actually excellent advice. He needs to move out and see what he's lost. I think he's just scared to cut his ties to me, well tough shit.

Damn right Jacey - you have not landed on the Earth for his bloody convenience like some sort of babysitting blow up sex doll who he can drop by on when he fancies a shag or playing happy families. I would cut ties and make my own plans - his behaviour and the instability will be affecting the dcs and must be driving you nutty. You deserve better than this, as do your children. He can sort himself out in his won time, at his leisure. You need to out yourself first and be as selfish as him, if only to protect your dcs.

Thanks everyone. I have to go to work in a bit but will check back in later on.x

You can't carry on like this, it eats away your sanity living in limbo so long (been there!) Don't be so scared of divorce that it prevents you doing what will ultimately be best for you. It's not pleasant, but I promise you it's far better than living in a permanent state of instability.

Be polite with him, but cool and distant. Make him come to you, don't chase him at all. To be safe, go and find out where you stand legally and financially. Make copies of any finance documents you can find.

I am sorry, but I think he is winding down your marriage in a long slow step by step way to get both you and himself used to being apart.

Horrible situation for you - I sympathise. At the moment though, he's got the best of both worlds - independence and his mum cooking, doing his washing - sleeping with you and seeing you and the kids when he choses. You can't let him do this love! Make arrangements for him to see the kids, and stick to them. Don't have any contact with him at all - unless it's about the kids. Don't see him, contact him - just detach from him. Let him get used to the reality of what splitting would mean. At the moment you're in hell and he's calling all the shots. In the time ahead, use that time to see what YOU want - disregard what he wants - focus on yourself.

Good luck

OP - really sorry for your situation.

I don't want to make you feel worse, but I have to say that the H of one of my good friends acted just the same as your H. He moved out saying he felt depressed and miserable about his life, and it was nothing to do with her, and he was going to 'get himself together' etc etc. He said he felt pressured by work and the DCs, and the fact that they didn't have time together.

He kept her hanging for months, and then eventually it turned out he had met someone else, who he subsequently moved in with and is still with now. The new woman had 4 kids of her own!

Take back some control OP. You sound like a strong and understanding person, and I have no doubt that you can handle whatever is thrown at you.

People split up at different speeds. His seems to be in slow motion, but also as he isn't an evil person and because he is probably used to consulting you, he almost wants your approval.

Don't make this about him. Make it about you and the kids.

Jacey, What I find interesting in all your posts is that you don't really mention your wishes and desires. I assume you want him to come back as you say you still love him. I think, for the sake of you and your DC, that you need to set a limit on this 'break'.

My ex left the family home, ostensibly for a new job, but actually because he thought the grass was greener. I lived in limbo for 2 years...had a 3rd DC with no real support from him and waited for something to change. The change finally came in the shape of his new girlfriend, not that he bothered to tell me, a friend caught him with his pants down.

Please don't allow him to mess you around for another year or more. Life is much more relaxed and happy for me since I stopped treading on 'will he come back if I say/do/ask this' eggshells.

I cant believe you did the emoticon after writing that you are FUCKING ANGRY AAARGH etc.

weird

UA - maybe does look a bit weird, I genuinely am angry with him and feel like screaming but I think I just did the grin face because it felt like quite a humorous thing to write AARRGGHH! I don't know, it was maybe a bit self-deprecating too, like trying to laugh at myself in this shitty situation. I guess I just have a strange sense of humour.

redhotpokers, that is scarily similar. To be honest, although I know (or I think I do) he hasn't actually slept with anyone I wouldn't be surprised if he has at least been having some confusing feelings for someone else. Just because I read these boards a lot and that's usually how these things work isn't it? Thanks for your kind words though.

ballstoit, sorry you had to go through this too. I can say to myself categorically today that I will NOT be waiting around in limbo for 2 years, although I can totally see how this could happen. Your last point about treading on eggshells really resonates with me, that's exactly how I've felt over these last 2 months. Sucks.

Slight update anyway, he does want to go out tomorrow evening which I hope is a good thing, (plus I really didn't want to be alone on my anniversary with just a bottle of vodka or something for company, would have been too heartbreaking) but he doesn't want to commit to planning anything the rest of the weekend. No telling yet how well this will go though. So I think maybe I will still go to London on the saturday anyway. Thanks for your support, will check in and update again and I am definitely taking note of your experiences and advice so thanks.

I think you have given this man enough time and you need to tell him to shit or get off the pot. Either he agrees to move back home and go to at least one couples counselling session with you, or you will start taking steps towards divorcing him. Otherwise, like everyone else says, he will be quite happy doing whatever he likes and having you there in the background when he wants a shag or a bit of Happy Family time.
The first thing you should do, though, is a little research into your rights and your financial position. Do this before you tell him you've had enough. Because knowledge is power, and if he is shagging someone else and planning to shaft you, you are better off knowing what your rights are and not falling for the 'let's sort it all out without solicitors ie shut up and accept that I am going to give you nothing at all, you're dumped.'

In a similar place

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1215838-marriage-is-falling-apart

oops

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1215838-marriage-is-falling-apart

Thanks totallylost, that is pretty similar. Can't believe you've been on a date already, you don't waste much time fair play! Will follow your thread, hope you're feeling ok.x

Was a complete bloody mistake but .... its the not having any control over anything. Its the waiting for him to decide how he feels and bugger the rest of us. Sorry slight rant there.

No I can empathise 100%.

I'm not really being much help here am I? :(

Of course you are. It's still really raw for us both but we'll be ok. We'll be on the dumplings no more threads before we know it!

can I ask? do you think there is anyone else? many people have said there must be someone else involved in my situation but I really don't think there is. He just seems to not like himself, its like hes punishing himself by living alone and having as little contact with anyone. He has never been alone, gone straight from one relationship to another (unknown to me til recently).

It's really hard to say. In my case I really wouldn't be surprised if he didn't have feelings for someone in some way but I definitely don't think there's an actual affair. I think there are other reasons people leave marriages.

It's a positive thing that your dh is having counselling, it sounds as though he has been offered 6 sessions on the NHS, is that right? I actually do this kind of work and in my professional opinion if someone has long standing emotional and self-esteem problems 6 sessions will not be sufficient. 6 sessions will deal with the presenting anxiety and panic attacks but to really get at what's under the table I would recommend he sees someone specialising in psychodynamic psychotherapy, preferably weekly at first.

Yes he is having CBT - second session tomorrow. I have just started psychodynamic therapy and they explained CBT would not really get to the root of his problems but just provide coping strategies. I am hoping the help I will get will persuade him to try it too. My counsellor thought he had some deep rooted issues. That he wanted to 'play out' the relationship without me being in it, by having time to himself so he could fall in love with me again.

I over analyse everything, does being a counsellor make that even worse for you?!?!?

I figure out what I should be doing for the best and then my instinct kicks in and I call him a selfish twat!!