Help me figure out what's going on and why I feel this way

[madonnawhore]

Bit of background: BF and I together 8 mths, he has 4 y/o DD. I only met her for the first time about 6 weeks ago and since then we have been meeting for days out on weekends that he has her. We don't really show affection in front of her and I haven't been to his house when she's been there. We only ever meet in neutral spaces and as far as she's concerned she just thinks I'm a friend of her dad's.

I didn't get an invite to go and meet him and his DD this weekend. Fair enough, I can't expect to be automatically included in everything they do. He wants a weekend with her for himself. That's fine.

But he's also got her for an extra night next week as his ex has something important on, which means that we now won't see each other for a whole week. I find this really hard.

I have plans with friends almost every one of the nights I won't see him so that's not the issue. I just feel a bit hurt and upset and cross with him and I can't really put my finger on why.

Maybe it's because there never seems to be any acknowledgement that I get the shitty end of the stick sometimes when I can't see him for a week because he has his DD. No recognition that it's really hard for me to be patient and understanding when what I'd really like is just to be able to spend a whole weekend with him (I can't remember the last time we did this - timing always seems to be against us - the last opportunity we had, I had to go to a big family birthday do hundreds of miles away).

I suppose I feel like, after 8 months together, it would be nice if he wasn't happy to spend a whole week apart either. But it would seem that he is.

Also, I'm hurt that he didn't invite me out with them this weekend despite knowing we have so long 'til we next see each other. I wasn't even consulted, just excluded by omission IYSWIM? When that happens it feels like everything's on his terms and I'm just waiting for him to be free.

Wow, this is longer than I thought it would be. Am I being a bit clingy and unreasonable? I can rationalise everything I've just written, but it doesn't stop me feeling pissed off and hurt. I'm going through a stressful time at work and have been knackered recently, so I'm not sure if that's clouding my state of mind.

Should I tell him I'm feeling like this? It feels unfair to have a go at him when he's so lovely and well meaning and trying to handle a delicate situation.

Help me figure it out!

I wouldn't be too worried yet. You only met her 6 weeks ago.
Are you worried that you are keener on him than he is on you?

Yeah, I guess I am a little bit Katisha. Although I understand that it's easier for me to 'be' in a relationship because I'm childless. Having regard and sensitivity for his DD's feelings is paramount for him so I am always automatically 2nd best. I knew that's what I was signing up for, but sometimes, like this weekend, it's just really difficult and I don't know whether to take his not inviting me despite it meaning we will be apart for a week as a sign that he's not as bothered as I am.

I wish I'd been thinking this clearly last night. I really wanted to talk to him then but my thoughts were all muddled and I was worried I'd just end up crying and not making sense.

I think he has his priorities right at the moment, and if you were a single mother in his position we wolud all be advising you to put your child first.

Hang on in there and see how it pans out - don't get emotional on him as it will put him in a difficult position. Make sure you book plenty of things to do - go out with other friends and so forth - don't make yourself reliant on him after only 8 months.

ANd try not to be jealous of a four-year old - that way madness lies

FFS, you chose to have a relationship with someone who has a child. You had to expect that he would prioritise her needs/time with her- if you weren't able to cope with that, you shouldn't have got into a relationship with a parent! Sorry that sounds harsh, but really, this seems like a silly complaint when compared to the dads who don't bother with their children.

Thanks Katisha. I'm not jealous of her - far from it, I feel very affectionate towards her and I love the idea of the two of them happy together, they get on so well.

I'm more jealous of his time if that makes sense?

What's pissing me off (writing this post has helped me realise) is that we are unavoidably going to be unable to spend time together for the next week, but there is an opportunity for us to at least be able to see each other for the day over the weekend and he hasn't taken it.

I feel ludicrously passive aggressive right now, like I just want to turn off my phone and not go online for the next week to 'show him'.

That's twatty and attention seeking, I know. But it's how I feel.

Why am I so unreasonably emotional about this? I feel really insecure.

Thank you Wibbly! I needed to hear that. You are right of course.

I was a bit worried I might get replies like "Well after 8 months he ought to be spending more time with you so he's not that into you", but I am clearly being a selfish knob, which at least I have some control over changing.

OK let's turn this around into something more positive. You feel insecure because you don't yet know whether he is a keeper yet. OK.

Don't turn off your phone, but DO go out. Not to "show him" but in order to continue to have a life of your own. 8 months is too soon to be expecting all your socialising to come via him. Please DO go out and have a good tiime - this is for yourself. And carry on booking things - let him have to check with you whether you are free rather than expecting every ounce of available time to be filled with him.

Not in a nasty way, but in a way that shows to both you and him that you are a vibrant person with things to be getting on with.

It sounds as if he, like any good and caring dad is putting his dd's feeling first - introducing you slowly, ensuring they have time together on their own and so on. That is how it should be, please try and accept that and you should try and put his dd's needs and feelings above your own and also his needs and desire to see his dd. She is only 4.

Whatever you do please do not say or do anything that suggests you are jealous of his dd or the time he spends with her as that is how your post comes across. My fathers gf (now w) was so jealous of my dsis and me that she did everything she could to turn him against us and we now don't speak and my father hardly knows my Ds.

I have two dsds myself and when I got together with dh it was hard sometimes (i didn't have dc then so didn't fully appreciate the parent/child bond) so I do understand but you have to be the adult
here and put your needs second.

Yeah he's an amazing dad and a great person. I love him. But I can't help feeling like something is wrong and I can't put my finger on it.

Like, we don't usually text back and forth a lot, but the past two times I have sent him a jokey/lighthearted text message to do with things that relate to both of us, he hasn't bothered replying. Not that they necessarily required a response but I feel like there was a time when he would have replied regardless.

Also, (possibly TMI alert), we haven't done it for the past few times I've stayed at his because he's been feeling ill/knackered. Our relationship has always been very, very good in that area and I suddenly feel a bit rejected.

It feels like, in general, my novelty has worn off and he's not making as much of an effort. And I can't tell/decide whether that's just because we're past the heady first flush and are starting to relax and get comfortable and he doesn't need to work so hard to impress me; or whether he's losing interest and backing off.

Am being hypersensitive about everything because of it.

Don't usually post but my advice is this Madonna, BACK OFF COMPLETELY FROM HIM!!

Don't explain or get chippy, just be busy, happy and blase when he contacts you...leave some delay before returning any texts or calls....even if you don't have any social plans with your friends, make up a birthday drinks, spa night whatever to make you sound occupied.

This is all horribly manipulative and "Rulesy" but it will help you to see whether he still wants you or not without you going into a full emotional meltdown with him I am not a fan of "The Rules" at all but I do believe when a man is treating you indifferently you need to pull back a bit so you can see the wood for the trees...

How much do you like him? Having a relationship with a newly separated man is always going to be difficult and when he's got a young child it's even harder.

If I were you I'd be tempted to cut my losses and try to find someone who has no children, so that you can make a new family together.

This man doesn't sound that into you, to be honest, and he doesn't sound the nicest of men, either (otherwise, through politeness alone, he'd respond to your messages.)

Next!

Wait a minute, you are expecting him to what? Forego an extra evening with his 4yo daughter because you are booked up every other evening? Why don't you cancel one of these ever-so-important evenings with friends and offer to spend it with him instead.

Atswimtwolengths, that's hard to read. And it doesn't square with the kind of person he is at all. There's not a nasty bone in his body.

But the text message thing does bother me. I just think he reads it and because it's not a question, he thinks 'don't need to respond to that'. But I think it's rude not to acknowledge it at all.

He's been as affectionate as always, but mentally, ever so slightly distant.

I feel distraught today. And I don't really know why.

I'm with the bloke here, I'm afraid. I'd be backing off as well until you grow up a bit.

No Butterbur it's the other way round. He wasn't free, so I made plans on the days he wasn't.

I think people are being a bit unfair to Madonna here, it's not so much the night with his DD next week more that she is generally panicking that he is retreating from her in the relationship....

8 months is early days and he does have responsibilities as a father BUT I would also be a bit concerned if the sex was declining so early into a relationship....back off a bit OP and see what he does. You are going to look mental if you confront him on this!

Fair enough Gay40, I'm being a dick. I can handle being told I'm being a dick.

I am feeling incredibly fragile though.

I agree it's difficult and hard when you want to see someone and you can't, however I'm afraid the feelings you have are very natural but it's also a case of 'you're chucking your toys out of your pram'

You're an adult, his child will always come first and you will always come second. Doesn't mean he doesn't like you enough it's just the way of the world.

If he wants to see you he will but at the moment he's getting the chance to spend extra time with his kid and he's taking it.

If you want to see him then ask him if you can see him on a different day? Or is it that you want him to be asking to see you?

And those feelings are going to increase as the situation goes on. So right now, it's either pull yourself together and let him see how sane and sorted you are, or act like a ditched vigin on prom night and let him see how neurotically needy you are.
Time to get out there and let him know by your actions that life goes on despite his commitments, and he can choose to be in it or not.

I don't know, Flipping. I feel like I am losing the plot today.

By necessity, our free time is dictated by him and because of that, our relationship operates more or less on his terms rather than mine.

I do struggle with that a little bit.

I suppose I've just got into the habit of keeping myself available on the days I know he'll be available and waiting for him to tell me if he wants to see me or has made other plans.

My thinking is that I am childless, I can do whatever I want on the days he has his DD, so I won't make any plans on the days I know he doesn't have her in case he wants to see me.

If I did make plans on the days he was free, then we could go 10 days or more without seeing one another.

Not sure where I'm going with this post...

I guess it's not so much that I want him to ask me, it's that I don't feel like there's any point me asking him because he either can or he can't, whereas I always make sure that if he asks me, I can, IYSWIM?

I think you need to have a good think about this relationship Madonna, the power dynamic is too one sided.

Childless or not, you shouldn't have to keep your time free then the Lord and master decides whether he will deign to see you.

He doesn't sound like he is doing this to be deliberately cold, more that you have got into habit of you being available and he likes it that way...who wouldn't?

If you love him, PULL BACK a bit and see how he responds....and read "Why Men Love Bitches" ;-)

i dont think this is really to do with the child, that just seems to be the trigger. this to me seems to be more to do with you generally feeling like he is paying you less attention and not prioritising you.

you have 2 options. you either tell him how you feel very very honestly, keeping it relevent to YOUR relationship rather than about him spending time with his child. or you back off and see what happens.

i expect both options feel a bit risky. i personally would go for the emotionally honest route. if you cant speak honestly to your partner and explain your fears, then what do you really have?

I suppose what I'm thinking is: I know I'm being clingy and needy, I'm not trying to justify that because it's twatty behaviour.

The thing I want to know is why am I feeling like this? Is it because he genuinely is backing off a little bit, or am I just feeling unsettled about other changes going on in my life and am projecting this onto the relationship?

That's why it's good to get others' perspectives on this. Am I reacting to the way he's being with me, or am I causing it IYSWIM?

listen to your gut. you know the saying - if something doesnt feel right, its probably because it isnt.

dont ignore because it always comes back

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