Help me figure out what's going on and why I feel this way

[madonnawhore]

Bit of background: BF and I together 8 mths, he has 4 y/o DD. I only met her for the first time about 6 weeks ago and since then we have been meeting for days out on weekends that he has her. We don't really show affection in front of her and I haven't been to his house when she's been there. We only ever meet in neutral spaces and as far as she's concerned she just thinks I'm a friend of her dad's.

I didn't get an invite to go and meet him and his DD this weekend. Fair enough, I can't expect to be automatically included in everything they do. He wants a weekend with her for himself. That's fine.

But he's also got her for an extra night next week as his ex has something important on, which means that we now won't see each other for a whole week. I find this really hard.

I have plans with friends almost every one of the nights I won't see him so that's not the issue. I just feel a bit hurt and upset and cross with him and I can't really put my finger on why.

Maybe it's because there never seems to be any acknowledgement that I get the shitty end of the stick sometimes when I can't see him for a week because he has his DD. No recognition that it's really hard for me to be patient and understanding when what I'd really like is just to be able to spend a whole weekend with him (I can't remember the last time we did this - timing always seems to be against us - the last opportunity we had, I had to go to a big family birthday do hundreds of miles away).

I suppose I feel like, after 8 months together, it would be nice if he wasn't happy to spend a whole week apart either. But it would seem that he is.

Also, I'm hurt that he didn't invite me out with them this weekend despite knowing we have so long 'til we next see each other. I wasn't even consulted, just excluded by omission IYSWIM? When that happens it feels like everything's on his terms and I'm just waiting for him to be free.

Wow, this is longer than I thought it would be. Am I being a bit clingy and unreasonable? I can rationalise everything I've just written, but it doesn't stop me feeling pissed off and hurt. I'm going through a stressful time at work and have been knackered recently, so I'm not sure if that's clouding my state of mind.

Should I tell him I'm feeling like this? It feels unfair to have a go at him when he's so lovely and well meaning and trying to handle a delicate situation.

Help me figure it out!

looks to me like he is your priority but you are not his. does not mean you are not important but his daughter's needs come first

i was involved with a guy it was meant to be casual but then he started making demands, pushed me away as I am not going to give up time for him over my son. Maybe if i felt we were going somewhere i would have considered him more but i just didn't want to. I think you have different needs in your relationship and if yours can not be met then best to move on

Maybe she was fine about it in theory (or was trying to play cool-exp) beforehand and had second thoughts during/afterwards?

I'm so projecting here but could exp perhaps be jealous and influencing him? Has DD been talking about your meet-up to exp?

I just think that if your intuition is telling you something, then there probably is something as you don't sound in the least neurotic to me.

Possibly. He did mention he was seeing his mum this weekend. Maybe she said she'd like to see him and his DD on their own without me there? (she's been there at some of our outings).

The thought that he wouldn't see me because his ex asked him not to makes me feel sick.

i think you are thinking of maybes too much

you have no idea why he is behaving the way he is but he is and you know that it is not making you happy. look at the facts, he is there as much as you want him to be? can he give you or has he given you what you want in your relationship?

you seem a little obsessed with his ex. i am not sure you are emotionally in teh right place to be involved with him as you do not seem happy

The only option you have that will lead to a happy outcome is to pull back and get yourself something to think about. You won't die if he does dump you. But if you beg and bleat and clutch at his trouserlegs and blubber all over him and he dumps you, then the loss of dignity will be far more painful than the loss of a relationship. However, if you are merrily getting on with your own life then (if he is a nice bloke who is just having a few extrenal stresses at the moment) you will seem more appealing to him. And if he is a manipulator or a game player you will seem like someone who isn't going to be that easy to break.

I have been thinking about this some more overnight and I think it boils down to the fact that I just need to know how he feels about me. He never tells me so I only have the way he acts towards me to go on.

When he told me he wanted to introduce me to his DD I felt like that was a big statement of intent on his part and that we were getting more serious. So that's why it feels like a bit of a rejection that he hasn't factored in seeing me at all during this week long period he has his DD.

It feels like he let me in only so far and now, for whatever reason, he is closing ranks again.

I realise he has a child and I cannot possibly reasonably object to him insisting on her being the priority; I have to follow his lead but feel unable to 'take ownership' of my own relationship because it feels like he's setting all the rules.

I just wish I didn't feel like so much of an outsider. I just wish he understood how hard it is to be the childless OH, feeling like a spare prick sometimes.

Sorry, I thought I knew where I was going with this post when I started it, but it seems to have desecended into a bit of a rant.

Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you guys: can I ask him to tell me how he feels about me? Is that a reasonable request after all this time, or is it mental and needy? I can't tell any more.

i personally find it hard to answer this without projecting a bit... hopefully other people will respond too with other perspectives.

i'm just wondering if asking him this will solve it for you. will you feel happy that you 'had to ask'? are you looking for him to make you feel better (rather than you making you feel better)? if you ask him and he tell you he is crazy about you, will it make you feel better for a bit...but what if his actions dont change and you feel crap again in a few weeks...will you need to hear something else from him? it's possible to get into a rather destructive cycle...

i suppose i would be an advocate of not asking him, but just telling him how you feel about him and about the situation, and owning it. saying what you feel and need and let him respond if and how he feels to be appropriate.

its a risk, i know. you are making yourself vulnerable by doing this, which is hard.

and i still think you should sit on this for a few more days.. feelings can change as time passes.

not sure if that helps or not, sorry :/

Thank you Kallima. The more I think about this, the more I realise it is about my own insecurities and not really to do with him at all. He's just doing what he thinks is the right thing by his DD.

Maybe I'm not emotionally equipped to deal with being 2nd best. I thought I was, but I'm not. Better sort myself out quick.