Help me figure out what's going on and why I feel this way

[madonnawhore]

Bit of background: BF and I together 8 mths, he has 4 y/o DD. I only met her for the first time about 6 weeks ago and since then we have been meeting for days out on weekends that he has her. We don't really show affection in front of her and I haven't been to his house when she's been there. We only ever meet in neutral spaces and as far as she's concerned she just thinks I'm a friend of her dad's.

I didn't get an invite to go and meet him and his DD this weekend. Fair enough, I can't expect to be automatically included in everything they do. He wants a weekend with her for himself. That's fine.

But he's also got her for an extra night next week as his ex has something important on, which means that we now won't see each other for a whole week. I find this really hard.

I have plans with friends almost every one of the nights I won't see him so that's not the issue. I just feel a bit hurt and upset and cross with him and I can't really put my finger on why.

Maybe it's because there never seems to be any acknowledgement that I get the shitty end of the stick sometimes when I can't see him for a week because he has his DD. No recognition that it's really hard for me to be patient and understanding when what I'd really like is just to be able to spend a whole weekend with him (I can't remember the last time we did this - timing always seems to be against us - the last opportunity we had, I had to go to a big family birthday do hundreds of miles away).

I suppose I feel like, after 8 months together, it would be nice if he wasn't happy to spend a whole week apart either. But it would seem that he is.

Also, I'm hurt that he didn't invite me out with them this weekend despite knowing we have so long 'til we next see each other. I wasn't even consulted, just excluded by omission IYSWIM? When that happens it feels like everything's on his terms and I'm just waiting for him to be free.

Wow, this is longer than I thought it would be. Am I being a bit clingy and unreasonable? I can rationalise everything I've just written, but it doesn't stop me feeling pissed off and hurt. I'm going through a stressful time at work and have been knackered recently, so I'm not sure if that's clouding my state of mind.

Should I tell him I'm feeling like this? It feels unfair to have a go at him when he's so lovely and well meaning and trying to handle a delicate situation.

Help me figure it out!

You're reacting OP and your reaction makes the original pulling back from him worse, vicious cycle!

Stop the cycle by getting a bit of your equilibrium back even if you have to fake it at first....faking being control of your emotions will help you get back on more of an even keel with him and get some perspective on whether the relationship has any legs...

Thanks for the advice. I haven't done anything mental or undignified (although I've felt like it!).

I don't know how I've gone from feeling like everything's amazing, to feeling like a complete, needy mess in the space of about a week.

I agree with kallima.

From what you have posted I think the time your OH spends with his DD is a bit of a red herring.

I think perhaps you have been introduced to his DD as 'a friend' as this is how he see's you....he perhaps doesn't see you has his GF.

Not sure...can't quite explain properly, but I do think you hold him in higher regard than he does you.

I'd be tempted to pull back a bit and see if he makes the effort to contact you.

Madonna - RE the text thing. I often text OH (together 7 years, 2 kids and one of the way, I only see him every 2 months or so because of work) something lighthearted or chatty just because I want to, and he only replies about 30% of the time. But we seem to be doing OK.

I think your bf is just quite an independent chap. I'm sure it's ok. Best advice you've got is to get on with YOUR life and YOUR friends. Pu on hold the big 'where is this going' conversation for a bit - at the least don't do it as a reaction to him spending more time with his DD. Because that way you would be asking him to choose - and he won't choose you I am sure of it :)

Dunno if this makes a difference but I don't think I've given an accurate picture of the free time thing. Basically, whenever he doesn't have his DD, he sees me. So we have like 'set days', which I always make sure I'm free on.

We're in a bit of a routine of the days we have together so it's not like he's randomly throwing dates at me, or as one poster put it 'deigns' to see me.

It just messes with my head a bit because on 'our' days/weekends, we operate very much like a couple who lives together and it feels really good, and then there are these long stretches of not seeing each other when he has DD.

Except for the most recent block of 'our' days, I have been feeling really unsettled and insecure and I can't exactly put my finger on why but it definitely has to do with him not replying to my (2) random texts, that's for sure. There was definitely a time when he would have acknowledged receipt of dumb texts from me.

Bit this has only been literally in the last week so I don't know why the sudden onset of this anxiety. I feel nuts.

One part of me is like:

"You're blowing tiny things way out of proportion. He's been ill lately, you're stressed, one less 'x' on the end of an email, or a couple of unreplied texts means fuck all."

And the other half of me is like:

"You're feeling this way for a reason, this is the begninning of the end, your gut doesn't lie, etc..."

Honestly, I get this all the time with OH working away. I think it's just symptomatic of your relationship evolving from the first few exciting months into something more longer term? I swing from being totally cool about OH being away, to being a highstrung nightmare. The only way around it is to keep yourself busy - go out, meet people, do something enjoyable and exciting to talk about with him next time you see him. Noone wants to think their partner has nothing to do but to wait and worry about them. Be interesting! And it will distract you from the little voices of doubt in your head.

This doesn't mean that there isn't something you two need to chat about - but it's not via text and it's not when you are feeling at your most vunerable and emotional.

I know it sounds easy for me to say all this, but I know it's the most difficult thinkg in the world when your head is in bits. Honestly, you'll look back on it in a couple of days and wonder wtf you were on.

It's tha stage isn't it? 8 months...coming up to a year and that is when people begin to think abot whther they want to spend the future with a person.

My advice is to pull back....wait for hm to come to you. if he does, then be honest and raise the issue of the future. Where does he see you going?

If he runs screaming then he's no good for you anyway.

it really strikes me that you dont seem to think that your needs in this relationship are worth raising with him. or perhaps that he will take these on board.

you have needs, we all do, and a successful partnership involves raising these. okay, it needs to be done in an appropriate, non-accusatory way, but they still need to be raised.

i know its hard raising stuff which seems small and like you're over-reacting, but (rather cheesily), it is the path to deepening relationships through mutual understanding. what's the point in you making all the concessions? he needs to know what you need from him, and if he's not up to it, then at least you can make an informed decision.

I hope so captainbarnacle. I have felt like this before and managed to ride it out and it's always turned out to have been fine and I've thought 'WTF was I on?'.

This time, because I've met his DD I feel like the stakes are getting higher and higher for me as I'm starting to get attached.

The other thing that pisses me off is that we haven't said ILY yet. I love him, massively, but don't feel like I can say it because I'm not sure he'd say it back. I think he might get all awkward and say something like "Thanks".

So I swallow the words every time I'm with him.

But a little bit of me feels cross because I'm like 'don't introduce me to your DD and let me get attached and feel like part of your family life if you can't even bring yourself to say you love me!!'

God I am ranting now! Just needed to get this all down. Thanks for bearing with.

Yes Kallima - but this is not the week to do it. OP is over emotional and vunerable and her BF has had to make a further commitment to his daughter. Any 'big conversation' would be bound to fail in spectacular form.

yep, i agree with that captainbarnacle. just something for the OP to consider

It could just be that he feels comfortable enough in the relationship to actually start being himself...maybe he is someone who doesn't do return texts usually but did them due to the relationship being new.

If that is the case and by nature he is 'distant' when in a relationship, then you need to decide if that is the type of relationship you want.

Either way I still advocate a step back and a wait and watch approach towards who he really is.

"It could just be that he feels comfortable enough in the relationship to actually start being himself...
If that is the case and by nature he is 'distant' when in a relationship, then you need to decide if that is the type of relationship you want."

Mizzy, yes that's entirely possible too. And I do need to decide whether I can live with that as I obviously have a tendency towards neediness. I think I could deal with it if just once in a while he let me know how he feels!

I don't need constant ego stroking, just a bit of reassurance every now and again. Otherwise I have to constantly second guess what he's thinking and it's exhausting and makes me feel crazy (like now).

Captain and Kallima, you give good advice. I think I will try to get a grip and relax this week and think about what I want to say, and then bring it up in a sane and mature way when the circumstances are better. If I said anything now I think I would just end up wailing "I just want to know how you feel about meeeeeeee" down the phone, while dripping in snot.

Sorry didn't mean to be rude when I said "deign" to see you, I misread your dating arrangements!

NP, I didn't think it rude, just realised I'd given the wrong impression about our arrangements.

Hi,
How long has he been seperated from his wife. Did he leave her for you? Is he spending time with his wife and daughter or just his daughter ? I dont mean to throw the cat among the pigeons but have you considered that he may be thinking about his ex or maybe he just needs space to concentrate on his DD.

COncentrate on filling your life so you are not just waiting around for him to have free time. It's possible that he is pulling back a little - 8 months or so is around the time some people start to think: do I want to continue this relationship or am I drifting along in it for the lack of anything better to do.
Or he may be busy and preoccupied, of course.
However, whatever he is doing or thinking, you will only make things worse by whining and clinging. You can't make someone love you and the harder you try, the more off-putting it is - to anyone who isn't a nasty, manipulative power-grabber.

They weren't married, steelchic, but they weren't long separated before I met him. I was nothing to do with their split, I just happened to meet him quite soon after it, totally randomly.

Yes it plays on my mind constantly that he is thinking about her, comparing me to her, wishing I was her, thinking she's better looking than me, etc.

I am slightly fascinated by the dynamics of their relationship as (as far as I can tell from what little I know about her) she is my opposite in almost every way - intellectually (we studied subjects about as far away from each other on the continuum of similarity as it's possible to be), socially, work-wise, age-wise (she is a decent amount younger than me); we are different in almost every way apart from that we look a little similar (weird??).

On the one hand I you could say that's a good thing as he's not repeating past mistakes or reverting to type. The same can be said of me - he is nothing like my ex at all (and is all the more amazing for it).

On the other hand it makes me feel like maybe he would prefer someone like her, since they were together for so long, obviously whatever it was about her clicked with him (she was the one who left him, not the other way round).

I worry about that all the time. If she suddenly said she wanted to try again with him, how could I ever compete with the prospect of having his family back together again??

Whenever I've broached the subject with him (which has been maybe twice, ever) he has assured me my fears are unfounded.

Doesn't stop me from torturing myself with them though.

To answe your question: he doesn't see her socially ever. Only to do parents evenings/pick up and drop offs/birthdays, etc.

I think maybe you should back off and see what happens.
Its early days in his seperation
I know its hard I'm actually going through a similar thing myself (only I am the wife) My H has moved out and has a GF but he spends a lot of time with our 2 DC (parents nights etc). It was his choice to go but I know he gets confused about what he wants and I don't know what he tells his GF when he spends most of the weekend with us. Please don't give up your life waiting for him keep busy and what will be will be (god I wish I could take my own advice) x

I read the OP without seeing who wrote it and when I did, I have to say I'm actually shocked madonnawhore. This is not like you at ALL!

You are so together usually, so sorted and true. If you are feeling insecure in the relationship, I'd be suggesting you take more notice of your intuition.

Back off a lot bit, if he wants you he'll find you.

I know Hissy. I feel like shit today, torturing myself with loads of 'what ifs' and hypothetical catastrophes. Not sure why.

I may be completely off track here, buuuuut, do you think his exp has found out that he has introduced you to her DD and is making a fuss?

It's just that the timing seems significant somehow.

I wondered that too Katie...

I don't know. I mean he said when he told her he was going to introduce me, she was totally fine about it. His DD is fine around me, not suspicious or like her mum's said anything against me.

I have always felt throughout our relationship that he's keeping me slightly at arm's length. Sometimes we feel incredibly close and intimate, and sometimes, like now, I feel like I can't tell where he's at and he's a bit unreachable (figuratively). In my darker moments, I do wonder whether at these times it's because his ex is being especially friendly, (or especially nasty?). It freaks me out that they have contact nearly every day to talk about his DD; I don't know what else is said in those conversations. He maintains that they stick to DD talk and that's it. I believe him but have no way of really knowing.

It's very hard falling in love with someone and having to keep your distance at the same time. Especially when, by necessity, they speak to their younger, good looking ex every day.