Has anyone had/is having an illict affair while being married and it is impacting positively on the relationship with dh in any way? Or is the impact always negative?

[Stirrings]

Me and dh haven't had sex for years. I need to feel loved, desired, wanted...oh, I don't know...I want to be touched again. My body and heart yearns so much for this. I have explained it to dh over and over again. We've had a major upset recently where he let me down in a huge way..wasn't there to support me and although we talked about, and he (eventually) acknowledged he should have done things diffrently, he is not making any effort to repair the damage he did to our relationship. I feel so distant from him..hurt that he came within an inch of losing me..yet isn't pulling out all the stops to save our relationship. And so my conclusions are that he doesn't especially care..which makes me feel even more worthless. Anyway, a friend has made tentative moves towards me...and it's taking everything in my power not to respond to this attention. It sounds corny but I want to feel like a woman again..and this person's flirtations with me have given me such a boost. I am not at a stage of knowing what me and dh are going to do (we hv 2 dds, both young) and not much money. But with him, I feel like these days (a perfect description from another poster), 'a worn, tired scruffy old tea-towel'. I've had a glimpse of how I used to be, from talking to this other guy...it's a long time ago..but..attractive, sexy, alive..

So I am now wondering if I responded more to his moves (and it went further), whether the impact might shift the rut me and dh have got into? Please don't shoot me down..I'm not asking for a pass from you to start an affair...just if anyone has had experience in this, and did it have a positive effect on your marriage?

I do not have experience of having, or DH having, any sort of affair during our relationship. However, I can empathise with your needing to feel wanted and desired. For various reasons, we went through a long drought. Problems relating to health issues and then, when they were resolved, we had sort of 'lost the habit' IYKWIM.

I reached a point where I had to tell DH exactly how I was feeling and what I felt we both needed to do about it. It was so difficult, because although I had no doubts that he loved me, at that point I felt so undesirable that I almost convinced myself that he would rather be alone than to work with me to get back on track. And I knew that if he had said 'no', that would have been the end of my marriage ( as a child of a marriage which ended in a bitter divorce due to affairs, I would not have contemplated the affair route). Thankfully, DH was of a similar mind to me, but hadn't known how to approach it with me. And we worked on it together and within a few months things were great and have been ever since. The difference is though, that despite my self-doubt, which I now believe stemmed from my low self esteem due to lack of a physical relationship, I actually never doubted that he loved me or cared about me. Throughout our drought, the only thing missing really was the sex. We still laughed together, talked together, he supported me through my health issues as well as the deaths of some family I was particularly close to. I never felt let down by him in any way.

Does your DH know exactly how you feel? That you are even considering the possibility of an affair? If not, can you tell him? The thing is, that at the moment, you are feeling very fragile and therefore feel a greater than usual need for someone to confirm that you, as a person, are of value. If your DH isn't doing that, you feel worse and have a greater need etc etc etc. it's a vicious circle. And just at your lowest point, someone else comes along and makes you feel good so you then consider the affair route. But how would you feel in the morning? When you wake up in your bed with your DH and not your lover? Would you feel it was all worth it or would you feel even worse? How about if your DH found out? How would you feel about yourself then? or about the effect it may have on him or even your marriage? If you honestly feel that you would be fine with it all, then go ahead. If, otoh, you would feel even worse than you do now, you need to re-think. Personally, I would have to have that discussion with your DH first and really make it plain what you want, what his role is, what you are prepared to do to heal the break in your marriage and what the potential outcome could be, good and bad. It will be very difficult. Only you will know whether your marriage is worth it. Of course, the consequence of that discussion may be that your DH tells you the marriage is over, and you need to be prepared for that too, but if that does happen, it means you were right when you said he didn't care enough to begin with. The only difference then is that at least you all know where you stand and can begin to make plans for the future.

Good luck

What you have to consider is the fall out.

Exactly what positive effect could it have? Make you feel desirable- and the implication being that your DH will respond as you want him too?

If he was to fidn out- then what? Would he leave you? Is that what you'd like?

If you search for a long thread that was up and running until a week ago, you will see lots of responses. The thread was called "Did anyone have an affair and not regret it."

I think you are being rather naive.

If you begin an affair, it won't be simply a case of being desired. You are not it appears looking for a fuck buddy- you are looking for an emotional connection.

Okay- suppose you get that? Then what?

Will it be your exit affair? Will it give you courage to leave your DH? Or have you already decided that you can't for financial reasons and because you have children?

If you begin this affair and know in advance that you cannot leave your DH the deceit will wear you down.

If you fall in love with the OM and he doesn't want you except as a part time lover- then what? You could be doubly hurt- a DH who does not seem to want you- and the OM too.

If you don't fall in love but OM does- and you decide you cannot leave your DH- will he be hurt?

IME affairs like this- which are calculated as a catalyst for change- simply muddy the waters.

You either need to decide to leave, or seek help to mend your marriage.

It is not really fair on you, DH, or OM to have another trial relationship on the go as a means of escape from your marriage.

It may have a positive effect on your relationship for a while, put a sping in your step and will certainly make you a happier person - for a time.

The time will come when it stops being idle flirtation and will turn into decipt and lying and then the affair, at that point, no amount of telling yourself (or anyone else when it's out in the open) that the affair was justified because of your DH's attitude and actions, you will ALWAYS be morally wrong, you will be judged, your kids will judge you, your family and friends will, you will be in the wrong and the fall out will be horrible. Plus think about how your DH will feel? You will have cheated on him, lied, he will question everything you ever said or did - is it worth it???

IMO you either need to spell it out to your DH and go to councilling or work it out. Or leave him and rebuild your life without him.

Flipping- that is not the only outcome.

Some affairs can remain a secret- got friends who have the T shirt.

Also- not everyone is so judgemental. My mum ( 84) has got friends/acquaintances who had affairs in the past: they are still married or not- but they were not dubbed the scarlet woman- lots of people said good for her- her DH was an idiot, glad she got some happiness for a time etc etc.

OP you sound as if your marriage is over. Either it is- or it isn't. You could manage if you were on your own.

I think what you are forgetting is that 3 people at least would be involved in this affair- is OM single, BTW?

it's not simply your emotions you need to think about, but OM's too- and how you would feel if you had a great 6 months or whatever with him- and then he dumped you.

I think the stage you are at now - where you are getting attention and enjoying it, can have a very positive effect on an existing relationship that has gone a bit stale. It can make you feel attractive again (great for losing weight!) and it can make you re-evaluate your existing relationship, which is not a bad thing at all. I also think that men respond completely differently to women when they sense that there is competition around. They realise that they might lose you and make more of an effort. That has been my experience, anyway.

If you were to take things further, it could all get very messy - and in any case the friend may be just testing the water and enjoying the flirtation. I would be very wary - as a married woman you are 'low risk' in terms of a real relationship, so it is quite safe for him to flirt with you. If you were to respond, you might not see him for dust, and you could lose a friendship which is worth more than a shag, in my opinion.

But where does your partner stand with regards to the relationship? If you have not had sex for years - that is a big red flag waving in the air?

Thankyou for all your considered comments. It's given me alot to think about - or at least rethink, as I play all these questions out in my mind over and over again - though get no answers. OM isn't single but is not looking to move out of his relationship, which I am happy with. I do not want to have - for want of a better word - a 'relationship' with him. I want affection, to be made to feel attractive again - even if for just a short time. I just want..oh I don't know..some basic human needs attended to..if just for an afternoon.
I have told my dh that he isn't doing this, that I need warmth, etc. Believe me when i say he isn't a bad man at all - he wouldn't intentionally hurt anyone. But he is not giving me what I need right now..and hasn't for such a long time. We have been married for 13 years and I have never once strayed. It's not that it's all been a bed of roses - it hasn't, of course but something I think has shifted recently, and it has been triggered by him letting me down so hugely. Up until this point, I would never have thought about an 'affair'. I've always been really strong on marriage 'vows' but given the recenet let-down I now am thinking..hell..he doesn't make me feel attarctive, or make me laugh, or even give me half of what I need, on top of which, his cowardice makes him not stand by me when it's really important. So,,,what is this marriage about? He was supposed to stick with me through thick and thin - and hasn't...and he knows (as I have told him in no uncertain terms) that I felt betrayed. (This is not a quid-pro-quo revenge though, please believe that). It is because, having been emotionally wrung out and having gone thru such a stressful time these past months (so much so that I lost a stone), he wasn't - and still isn't there for me emotionally, physically, sexually. But I am not ready to move out of being married to him yet...our kids are young..

I think that when one partner is refusing to ahve sex or pay any attention to the other partner's feelings about the lack of sex, then that partner has forfetied the right to exclusivity. OP it could all get terribly messy, but at the same time it could be the catalyst you need to get out of an unsatisfactory marriage.

Short term, probably. Long term, I don't see how infidelity and deceit can be anything but harmful to a relationship. But is it a relationship that you want to protect, really?

I'm not even sure i would want it to continue long-term, but I am honest enough to admit that I need to be held, to be attended to for even just a short time. me and OM have incompatible lifestyles, interests - it would not work outside that short space of time. But within it, it might give me what i need right now. I wish with all my heart that it was dh who was making me feel good - as I write this I feel so so sad it isn't. But he is not and I have to somehow come to terms with that. I feel really lonely. I haven't been touched in so long - or made to feel desired/desirable.

Stirrings, you can make yourself feel 'good' in lots of ways and I can guarantee the effects will last longer than the attention of any man! Make changes to yourself to stop feeling less like a teatowel and more like silk.

You may think you're inncoculated against any emotional byproducts of a no strings flirtation/affair/FWB scenario but you may not be as wel protected as you think.

Have you thought about counselling? You need to try and find ways to get your OH out of this rut, without resorting to an illicit affair. The very fact that you are asking here indicates that you are not the type of person who can do illicit affairs succesfully. If your OH will not go to counselling or will not acknowledge that there is a problem with your marriage, then you need to have a very serious discussion about whether the marriage should continue at all, or whether you would both be comfortable with an open marriage where you were free to get your sexual kicks and ego-stroking elsewhere.

Oh dear. he is married as well? And you really want to go along with this?

Ask yourself: is the potential deceit simply his responsibility? or is it yours too? Are you willing to possibly destroy- or at least contribute to- another woman's marriage?

I still say you are being very naive if you think you can separate your emotions from the physical. You are not wanting this affair due to simply no sex. You are looking for someone to make you feel whole again. Everything you say about your DH reveals he does not meet your emotional needs. Don't fool yourself that this possible affair is not about those.

You have no reason to believe that the OM would meet those needs. Maybe he is simply looking for sex. he is not unhappy enough to leave his family. So you could end up feeling empty and rejected.

What would the OM get out of it? What kind of man is he if he is willing to go along with this? Has he done it before and are you just one of many- before and afterwards? Why is he willing to risk his relationship for sex with you? So many questions.

Once the genie is out of the bottle it can't be put back so easily. Once your needs have been addressed- even for a short time- then what?

At best I can see you being given a boost which will help you leave your DH- at worst I can see you being badly hurt and back to where you are now.

If you just want sex- pay for it. choose an escort or go online and find a fuck buddy.

But really, I think you need to stop using your kids as an excuse and get out of your marriage if it is as unhappy as you say.

I think that if your partner is refusing to even try to meet emotional/physical/sexual needs then it gives you the opportunity to let him know that you are going to try to get them met elsewhere. He is not sticking with the marriage vows either. However, I think another married person (unless in exactly the same position which is unlikely but not impossible I suppose) could bring all sorts of grief - not least to you. Just my opinion.

I am curious about the suggestion of paying someone for sex - surely that would make the OP feel even less desirable?

I didn't mean short term in reference to your affair. I meant short term, while your husband doesn't know about it. Long term, when he knows that you have had an affair.

I totally agree with StrawberryJelly's last post. You appear to be wanting more than just a physical affair, and if the OM is only looking for sex then you are going to get horribly hurt. Actually even if he's looking for emotional committment you are going to get hurt.

I've copied and pasted the following from a reply I gave on another thread a while ago as I think it may be relevant to your situation:
"Many OW go through hell after their affairs finish, with hugely conflicting feelings of guilt at cheating on their DP coupled with the grief at losing their OM; feelings of being rejected by OM coupled with pain and confusion that a 'quick shag' turned into 'star-crossed lovers'. The thing that was supposed to give you an ego-boost (the flattery and attention of a man who is not your partner) is the very thing that kicks you in the arse and sends your self-esteem crashing through the floor. Months/years of lying and deceiving DH, family and friends take its toll on your sense of self until you can't see the truth for the lies."

Despite being happily married I had an affair with a MM. Both OM and I agreed that the affair would be no-strings sex but no other committment. Unfortunately we both got emotionally involved, and when I ended the affair and he had no further contact with me, the pain of putting my life back together was immense (DH is unaware of my affairs - I had another one six months after the first one, which was just about sex and was just as painful when it ended.)

I understand the need to be wanted and desired, and I am sorry that your DH is not fulfilling those needs. But looking to a third party to fulfil those needs whilst you are still married (and OM is married) will almost certainly cause you more pain. The answer is for you and DH to either fix or leave the marriage. I know that is the most difficult option, but you deserve to be loved and cherished by either your DH, or, if you were free to pursue a relationship elsewhere, by someone who is free to love and cherish you.

but..Ilovemyteddy...why did you do it in the first place if you were 'happily married?' Did it impact positively while u were having the affairs..could you compartmentalise?

to me the worst thing about conducting an affair is it turns you into a liar.

The sex bit I don't necessarily condemn. You can argue your case on that.

But lying? All decent people, including children, know it is wrong

Totally agree with Jasper about the lying.

Stirrings - I'll answer your questions tomorrow when I've got some time where I won't be disturbed and can answer more fully. Just had to delete a huge post because someone came into the room!

okay. Thanks. Will check in tomoro.

Stirrings I feel I need to put into perspective my response above as it does sound a tad judgy and it wasn't meant to be that way...

Sometime ago I was in a similar situation and started, what was to be an Emotional Affair, he gave me what I needed with regards to attention and making me feel good and 'myself' again. Trouble was it only highlighted the issues in my marriage and as a result, I ended the affair and my marriage. I could compartmentalise the affair, but I found the stress and strains of carrying on like that, if only for a few months, was horrendous and took it's toll on my mental state. Thankfully my DP never found out. But it didn't hit home the hurt and pain it could have caused. My DP wasn't a bad man, he just didn't give me what I needed and craved. As it happened I was happy once I'd made the decision to leave and I could see and do who and what I wanted. Just took a bit of bravery on my part to leave.

Now lots of years later, I'm married and in the same similar situation with my DH, trouble is I find out that 'he's' the one having a 4 month Emotional Affair. Now I can completely understand why he did this but the hurt and chaos it cause was HUGE!! I now suffer from panic attacks and anxiety, it was horrid, a year down the line and our relationship is better, we're both working on our marriage and it's better than it's ever been. Was his affair worth it, am I happy in a roundabout way it happened - hell no!!! I still cry and have fits of depression because of it..

I've been on both sides of the fence and going by what you are saying I think you are taking the easy way out rather than addressing the issues in your current relationship. I wish my DH had either come to me with his issues or left, rather than having an affair to make himself feel better.

Flipping that is very sad but I don't think an EA is quite the same. Something changes once you cross the line and make it physical in a way that an EA doesn't.
I know many people will disagree with this- but I speak as someone who had 2 EAs for 2 years each, a long time ago. I didn't recognise them as affairs TBH at the time- only after reading MN years later- because in my head they weren't as no sex was involved. Just friendship and LD at that.
I don't want to underestimate the impact it has had on your life, because youfeel as you do, but a full affair is different- and it's what the OP is contemplating.

I'm in a similar position and what stopped me taking the relationship further was the thought of hurting the OM's wife and children, who I?ve never met . I find reading the 'my husband had an affair and i'm devastated' type threads helpful in getting perspective on this...and cyberstalking the cute family photo on his wife?s facebook profile, and the questions she?s answered eg that she?s looking forward to summer and she thinks trust is the most important thing in a relationship, that helped me see her as a real person I?d never dream of hurting if I knew her.

A month ago I finally turned down the OM in such a way that there was no going back. The next night I asked my DH if we could go out for the evening to seriously talk about our relationship and the future. I didn?t tell him about the OM as to me it was no longer an issue and also my DH said he could see I?d been going through emotional turmoil but didn?t want to know about it. To my enormous surprise, (as he?d treated me like a doormat for months), he was open, receptive, willing to make an effort and told me he wanted it to work out between us more than anything.

We have had more sex over the last month than in the last 5 years, we are affectionate to each other again, less critical and I?ve lost a stone in weight, listen to music again and feel gratitude for the good in my life.

I do still miss the OM as a friend, terribly, as I cut all contact, I do get nervous about how I?ll feel when eventually we run into each other, but I am glad we met and that I didn?t act on the temptation.

Good luck with making your decision.

bontopia - that's a really helpful post. Thank-you. I have, too, looked at FBK pics of them as a family - and, quite rightly, felt enormously guilty about the situation. I do not want to split up their family. I recognise that there is no future for me and OM - I would not want him as a partner - and I am sure, he would not want me either. The point of connection is the human warmth and touch that I wish with all my heart I had with my dh - but it is just not forthcoming from him. It may return for him in the future..I do not know but I do know that i have tried talking and explaining what I feel was.is wrong until I'm blue in the face. He is still not giving me what I need - and so I am looking at alternative ways to shift us, as a couple, out of this. Of course, I am hugely bowled over that any man would be attracted to me..I haven't felt that for so long. I do love dh and my heart is breaking.

If I am honest with myself, I cannot wholly blame him..oh hell..I don't think blame comes into it. I cannot open up myself to him while he steadfastly ignores the damage he has done to our relationship by not supporting me over a really important issue (it doesn't really matter what it was). He is not trying either, I have to say, to repair the damage - but neither I guess am I willing any more to open up myself to him. I have laid myself bare emotionally and asked for him to attend to my needs - and he has chosen not to - so I can't keep doing that - it's too hurtful to be 'rejected' in this way. I am sure he doesn't intentionally mean to hurt me - he would never hurt anyone - but, his default mode of inaction, cuts me. To act, I'm sure he thinks, would mean he has fully taken on board how significant his betrayal was - and he prefers to bury his head in the sand over that. he does that with so many things.

So, I guess, what the whole point of this is, is thinking that, well aparrt from the frisson I'm getting of just..oh..feeling 'alive' again after so long..whether, if there's a small chance that my shift in disposition (albeit triggered by being made to feel attractive by someone else) as a woman who's happier, lighter, not dragged down by all the stresses of these past 3 months, might just shift us onto a different track. ...would shift me into feeling desirable..and acting as such instead of a resentful, hurt wife.

Does this make sense?

And, if I can shift thru an experience with OM...and I haven't been able to with Dh as he refuses to move by himself..then perhaps this just might help us advance out of this awful situation. Perhaps somewhere, deep down, dh does feel he was wrong..but he is not ready to face that. Perhaps he feels I confront him so baldly with his failure that he feels defensive..and perhaps if I'm happier, he would have the space to reflect instead of feeling 'answerable'. Oh fuck...what i do know is that I can't carry on with us like this. Relate would have such a waiting list and besides, I need to feel loved now...after so long and so many years....I need to be held.

What you are saying is that you want a shag - not to be too Mills and Boon about it. Which is fine of course but if it's something you can't do without and it can't be provided by DH you have to ask why you would want the marriage to continue. If you get your shag how long will you continue to 'feel like a woman'? Will you find someone else? What is the point of remaining in a marriage that requires you to 'get a man in' on a regular basis?

Thanks Flippingebay..that's helpful. The thing is, I have tried, time and time again to address it with dh. I even wrote him a letter, thinking that it was less prvocative...he wouldn't be faced with me in tears, at least...and he could read and reread it as he wished. He said he did understand..but still, he is not now giving me what I want. I DO feel it is in part some mental gymnastics on his part. At the time of the letter, he came and put his arm around me...but hell...I need more than that. I want him to embrace me..to tell me..yes..of course..he was wwrong..but that I'm the best thing sicne sliced bread and that he couldn't do without me..that he would do anything to make this all better. But he didn't. I wanted him to say...look..this is what I have thought we might do to put i right..let's start by me moving back into our bed...let me take you out for dinner and arrange a bbysitter..let me organise a weekend in paris, London, anywhere, without the kids. Did he do that? No. He thinks if we carry on routine, everything will get back on track. And I'm left feeling..well...not repaired by any means.