Has anyone had/is having an illict affair while being married and it is impacting positively on the relationship with dh in any way? Or is the impact always negative?

[Stirrings]

Me and dh haven't had sex for years. I need to feel loved, desired, wanted...oh, I don't know...I want to be touched again. My body and heart yearns so much for this. I have explained it to dh over and over again. We've had a major upset recently where he let me down in a huge way..wasn't there to support me and although we talked about, and he (eventually) acknowledged he should have done things diffrently, he is not making any effort to repair the damage he did to our relationship. I feel so distant from him..hurt that he came within an inch of losing me..yet isn't pulling out all the stops to save our relationship. And so my conclusions are that he doesn't especially care..which makes me feel even more worthless. Anyway, a friend has made tentative moves towards me...and it's taking everything in my power not to respond to this attention. It sounds corny but I want to feel like a woman again..and this person's flirtations with me have given me such a boost. I am not at a stage of knowing what me and dh are going to do (we hv 2 dds, both young) and not much money. But with him, I feel like these days (a perfect description from another poster), 'a worn, tired scruffy old tea-towel'. I've had a glimpse of how I used to be, from talking to this other guy...it's a long time ago..but..attractive, sexy, alive..

So I am now wondering if I responded more to his moves (and it went further), whether the impact might shift the rut me and dh have got into? Please don't shoot me down..I'm not asking for a pass from you to start an affair...just if anyone has had experience in this, and did it have a positive effect on your marriage?

I don't think an affair will help, but you should tell your H that 'no sex ever' is unacceptable and dealbreaker, and that you are considering ending the relationship because of it. Then see what he says

Because 'having a shag' might shift me, Ormirian - and that, in turn, the dynamics of the relationship with dh may change so we can both start to get ourselves in aposition to at least move from this stalemate. Tbh, I'm not sure you are right in me just wanting a shag. I want touch and to to be held. Shagging may well devlop from this..but it doesn;t necessarily have to. I want to be made to feel attractive. It might stop at flirting..who knows. The flirting so far has made me remember what it feels like to be thought attrcative. If I shift, then phaps dh will do as well. An escort wouldn' work..the shagging..or whatever..needs to be percived by me as triggered by someone ...a man...finding me attractive enough to attend to me...LOL..even if it's just an afternoon. Of course, i could pay for a shag..but I don't think that shift me..or make me feel attractive.

I think it is more than just about sex, ohmyfucksy..which is why this is so complicated.

There's no such thing as 'just sex' though

By having sex with someone in a loving relationship it's showing all sorts of things. It's about intimacy. I don't think you can have true intimacy without some kind of loving sexual contact.

of course, I recognise it's about intimacy..but that is what I am craving..and he too I guess. Does that necessraily mean we fuck up living with our current families. I'm not sure..which is partly why I posted. If the intimacy isn't there in our marriages...many of you will say, well get out then. But..perhaps there is a grey area,,perhaps there is a way of keeping us there while we ride these bad patches...that we recognise we don't want 'out' but that it is not giving us what we need at the momemt (and admittedly that 'moment, for me, has been lengthy),,,perhaps it will help us stay. I know the thinking that goes..well, I'm sure your respective partners won't think that..and most certainly, if I was in their position, i wouldn't either. Many of you think i should get out..but something is stopping me. I think dh is a good man..he just doesn't really get what I need right now...for whatever reasons - Are my options that i chuck it away then,this marriage..upset our two dc...or do I try to mend me on my own (which means having some sort of intimacy with another man - it may just be an EO - or being held and cuddled..it may mean sex...who knows). I have tried working this thru with dh..but he is not in a position to move himself at this moment in time. I need the support and comfort now.

Well having an affair certainly isn't going to make your marriage better, is it? If you're prepared to be very secretive then you can get your jollies on the side and stay married. Lots of people do it. But it requires compartmentalising a lot and not letting feelings take over, which you might not be capable of.

The new man may just be looking for a shag and may dump you when you start getting emotional, which will just make you feel even worse.

You need to talk properly about this 'event' that happened and why you feel the way you do. Make it clear that this will break your marriage if it's not fixed. It's not a one way thing either - you need to look at your own behaviour and be honest about whether you're helping yourself or whether you're copping out. Perhaps some kind of counselling?

If things are so bad with your husband why don't you just leave him? Then you can shag who you want without deceiving anybody.

Stirrings, I really feel very sorry for you. I honestly do. I can sympathise with a lot of what you are writing, but please do understand that at the very bottom line of this - is that you want to have sex, feel loved and desirable... and I don't think that it is acceptable to think that you can find this in the arms of another man WHO IS MARRIED.

Please DO stop and think about his wife and children, and your own children. I have come VERY close to an EA with a colleague recently. It's been the break of half term that has made me think NO and just stop. It is NOT fair on others involved in this - and make no mistake - at the most bottom line you will be complicit in his adultery (sorry, I KNOW it's an old fashioned term, but it was helpful for me to use it about my own potential actions, it carries stigma for a reason, I think...) and there is absolutely no excuse for that.

I am desperately sorry that you feel like you do - I have some of that in my own marriage. but that does not give you the right to reach out for emotional intimacy with a man who has made marriage vows with another woman. Please do stop and think - what does that make him??? It makes him weak and a liar and a deceiver. If nothing else - are you not worth more than that for a potential future partner / emotional boost? He is WRONG to be doing this and I am sorry if this causes offence, but I honestly believe that you will be too, if you go ahead with this.

I do not say this with self-righteousness, please do believe me. But I do think that you will / would be judged VERY harshly on here if you came back in 3 months time to say ' Oh God, I have had an affair, I didn't mean for it go to wrong, but now X children have had their parents break up as a result....' etc etc. I honestly do ask you to think hard about what you are doing. I say this as a woman who has just walked back from the line you are thinking about. PLEASE do not do it. Just stop for one or two weeks and think again at that point. IF you feel the same - maybe the marriage needs to stop first.

I wish you the very best of luck. And please - put some of the effort and heartache that you are going through into a conversation with your husband. Give him one last chance to realise what his lack of action may do, before you call time on him....

Tbf this man is probably already a complete player. He has said that he wants something to happen but will not be leaving his wife. If it's not you, it'll be someone else for definite. He's probably even done it before. Can you really be arsed with someone like that? He's never going to make you feel truly loved or special - you'll always be second best. And then he'll inevitably get fed up with it. You are quite vulnerable and you will just fuck yourself up even more if you do this.

I haven't reached that decision, Liz. I guess I've not explained the situation clearly enough. I meant to try and pinpoint the complexities of it all, but have clearly not. I know some of you will say 'you can't have your cake and eat it too'. At the moment, I feel I have no cake to eat, tbh. Nothing has yet happened with OM. I wanted to explore - in a relatively 'safe' environment, what the complexities were if I did. I do understand some of your positions..I d never have thought I'd be in this position...and m instinctive, gut reaction, would be to say what some of you are saying - and most certainly if I was the OM's wife. But..you know..there for the grace of god...I am trying to handle feelin rejected by someone I love, being let down significantly by taht person, by suddenly realising that at the moment he - for whatever reason - won't repair..and feeling so lonely, so desolate and in need of what many of you clearly have. I could leave - I have asked dh to go, in the past..he has refused..trivialising my request. I do not earn enough to take me and the young kids elsewhere. besides, they love their daddy and do not want us to separate (of that i am sure). So, in the absence of him being able toshift into a position to repair us, how do I start to address my needs with the least damage. Even if I go thru hell with OM (I don't think i will btw), I amgoing through hell now.

and Lostmyway, thankyou for your thoughtful response. I am listening to you all.

Hmm. how do I start to address my needs with the least damage Well I think that this is at the root of your problems. You are in a marriage. You can't act in isolation - you clearly understand this issue.

I think that the onus appears to be on your husband at the moment. Is there any way that you can discuss your feelings with him (and natch, not mention the possibility of an EA/PA with somebody, otherwise you will lose ANY chance of a rational discussion...) and make him understand how you honestly feel. Does he understand the implications of his behaviour, should he continue in this vein. Can you make him see that he is jeopardising the future of his children?

Try to explore that side of things - at least it can have a positive ending. An affair simply cannot.

Been where you are OP and yes I did go further.
It ended my relationship with dp as I realised he we would never get back what we once had and having had a taste of someone actually wanting me, I realised I could no longer live like that any longer.
Like you, I had emailed, cried, explained how I feel time and time again to no avail.
I would rather be on my own than be with someone who made me feel so worthless and corroded my self esteem (whether he meant to or not, I don't believe he did).
I only told dp it was over on Friday and its still quite raw, but im still sure i've made the right decision.

There is too much melodrama on here!

OP - I think most of us hear what you are saying. Do what you must do..you are an adult, you do not need to seek permission.

The endless melodramatic scenes played out on here are - kind of self-indulgent really.

Just dealing with a friend who has lost her son in a car accident - sort of concentrates the mind to the extent that you don't really give a shit who is shagggin whom, if you know what I mean.

Yes, but tadpoles, that doesn't make the OPs situation any less real to her, surely?

Frankly, I agree with you in terms of 'don't be so bloody self indulgent'. See previous post, and decision to sort my head out! However, if one is looking at the end of one's marriage, then that is potentially an equally life-changing event. Not as awful, I fully admit, but all the same.

It's not a one-y-uppy contest. I mean no offence, but don't think it was very helpful to post that.

Why are you posting then tadpoles?

Im very sorry for your friend, but that doesn't make other peoples feelings or problems any less real or painful.

believe me, Lost myIdentity, I have tried over and over again...as I said, I wrote a letter in the end. He isn't getting it. No. I think he does when i explain..when he sees me reduced to tears but tellingly, he just says, 'well ..so you want us to separate? what about the kids? this is all about you!' I just feel he is not listening..not really. Nothing changes. We sleep in separate bedrooms..he never takes responsibility to improve the relationship...where is the dinner out? the weekend away without the kids? It won't happen if I don't do it..and I need him to do it for a change. i have tried explaining this in the past..yet he still doesn't seem to do relationship maintenance. I have no energy left to do it anymore, especially as he has let me down. I am emotionally drained with the stresses of having to deal with something vey unpleasant on my own these past 3 months. He chose the ostrich route. He failed to stand by me even tho I needed him so manifestly. In the end, my friends helped me thru it all. He wass nowhere to be seen. My body and heart ache to be 'loved'...I need to be drawn out of this hole I am in. Dh clearly isn'y the one who wants to do it. i have no strength left to do this by myself anymore (and I am usually a strong woman) but I feel I have nothing left to draw upon..no reserves left. i need someone to hold me..to make me feel okay again. I recognise this...trust me..I am not being naiive..selfish perhaps..but I feel that I will go under very soon unless I shift from this position. Hence, the temptation...

Will the OM provide the support that your DH has failed to provide? This thing that has happened, can the OM make it OK?

Right, well in that case he's not exactly your life partner then, is he?

Christ, woman - have you READ your post???? If he is not willing to do anything to maintain the marriage, then you DO have the right to call it a day, move on, and start again.

It's NOT against the rules to admit that your marriage is over. It IS against the rules to be adulterous. It. Really. Is. That. Simple.

FWIW, I would think hard about how to exit, if you feel as you do. You will have financial support from him so that issue is resolved - whether he likes it or not.

It sounds to me as if he is mentally bullying you. Too fucking right 'it's all about you'. If he is not prepared to consider 'you' as 'you plural', then fine - it's 'you singular'. If you have done all the things that you have mentioned, then I think that you have possibly hit the buffers.

In which case, try to think about how to maintain the moral highground. I repeat myself - make NO mistake about how you will be percieved / judged (and it clearly is important to you, else you woudlnt' have bothered posting on here, non?..... ) if you have an affair. The other man in this is a non-issue. Believe me. You will only feel loved - and ultimately rejected - by him as well.

My advice is clear, I think. I think you just need to consider how and when. Sorry, but there it is. You will have support on here, make no mistake. But don't think that you will get the same support if you do have an affair beforehand. that way lies madness and lack of self-respect.

Again - I honestly wish you good luck. I think you may need it if your dh is as unwilling as it sounds, to rectify your situation. That is not fair on you or your children. Be very careful not to muddy the waters so that you lose any chance of what you can get in terms of support for them.

(nonMN style hug - sounds like you need it!)
(here's a x too!)

I'm sorry for your friend tadpoles. It is not melodrama. After 13 years of marriage (not all bad) and 4 years of feeling lonely, I am trying to work this through...perhaps expresssed the wrong way...I'm in a bad place at the moment and of course, it is worse, to lose a child. No-one would argue otherwise. Neither is it self-indulgent..to consider the implications of potential actions. But in the end, you will think what you think...

Perhaps this was the wrong forum to post in. If so, then okay, Ill bow out...I haven't the energy to defend my post..it's all I can do to articulate it best I can.

He's not going to make you feel OK, is he Stirrings?

It's going to be all 'I haven't got time, I've got to be home at 8, we can't go there people will see us, don't wear that perfume you'll make me smell of it, I can't see you tonight, it's my wife's birthday' etc etc

Find someone else, by all means. I think your DH is being very unfair and passive-aggressive. Not bothering his arse to save his marriage, and blaming it all on you. But not a rebound man, and preferably not one who's already married.

I don't believe its about anyone else making it ok.
It makes things easier to deal with yourself if you don't also have the constant feeling of being let down time and again by someone who's there who is supposed to support you but doesn't, if that makes any sense.

and thanks, the rest of you, for your advice and support. I WILL reread it and think about what you have said.

Gosh, stirrings, I think 'ohmyfucksy' has put it extremely well - passive-aggressive is just about perfect.

Read her post. Then read it again. Do NOT go near the other man. And consider that your DH is doing fuck all to keep you.

13 years of marriage, 4 of which you have felt lonely. That is roughly a third of your marriage. He doesn't give you what you need physical or emotionally, he doesn't support you when you really need it.

What are the real positives in your marriage? What really keeps you with this man?