Has anyone had/is having an illict affair while being married and it is impacting positively on the relationship with dh in any way? Or is the impact always negative?

[Stirrings]

Me and dh haven't had sex for years. I need to feel loved, desired, wanted...oh, I don't know...I want to be touched again. My body and heart yearns so much for this. I have explained it to dh over and over again. We've had a major upset recently where he let me down in a huge way..wasn't there to support me and although we talked about, and he (eventually) acknowledged he should have done things diffrently, he is not making any effort to repair the damage he did to our relationship. I feel so distant from him..hurt that he came within an inch of losing me..yet isn't pulling out all the stops to save our relationship. And so my conclusions are that he doesn't especially care..which makes me feel even more worthless. Anyway, a friend has made tentative moves towards me...and it's taking everything in my power not to respond to this attention. It sounds corny but I want to feel like a woman again..and this person's flirtations with me have given me such a boost. I am not at a stage of knowing what me and dh are going to do (we hv 2 dds, both young) and not much money. But with him, I feel like these days (a perfect description from another poster), 'a worn, tired scruffy old tea-towel'. I've had a glimpse of how I used to be, from talking to this other guy...it's a long time ago..but..attractive, sexy, alive..

So I am now wondering if I responded more to his moves (and it went further), whether the impact might shift the rut me and dh have got into? Please don't shoot me down..I'm not asking for a pass from you to start an affair...just if anyone has had experience in this, and did it have a positive effect on your marriage?

sorry - what I meant was - do what you have to do!!! I understand your dilemma.

Blimey Stirrings, just come on here and read your responses..

Can I ask a question? Why are you still with this man? If you're sleeping in separate beds, you get no support, no emotion, no sex, no nothing by the sounds of things. Why are you still with him?

Surely you'd be better of living on your own, that way you can see, sleep, text, whoever you want, without any lying or the stress that comes with an affair?

OP On looking at all your posts the thing that strikes me first is that there is no attempt to see it from your H?s POV. This is all about what you are not getting, what he isn?t doing for you, what you want. Understandable of course since it is your perspective here but it isn?t as simple as that. There will be reasons why he is being this way ? and you are either unaware of or denying them.
Ultimately if you think that if he were to provide this emotional contact that you need you would be happy in your marriage then why on earth consider an affair? Why not try to find out what is going on in his head? Counselling can work. If on the other hand you do not think your marriage is worth the effort then you should separate and find your happiness before getting involved with another man.
I just get the feeling that this is about your expectations not being met, without an objective view as to whether they were reasonable or why he hasn?t been doing what you want.
Saying he ?isn?t pulling out all the stops to save our relationship? means you think that you have always done everything right and he is the only one who needs to change. I suggest that is really not the case.
Unfortunately I have been through this scenario ? now divorcing.

Would your H go to counselling? If not, then your marriage seems to be over. It would surely be better to acknowledge that, and move on, than have an affair.

I don't believe for an instant that you having an affair would somehow jolt your H into being the man you need him to be.

I think what is keeping/kept me in it is that, although of course, it now doesn't sound like it...I so fervently believed in my vows..that to break them would make me less of a person (and I do still think that)..and that I desperately wanted to oh you know actually believe the 'this is forever' scenario...and I know ur thinking 'bloody naiive' which may well be true but it's what I thought..even in the face of feeling rejected.

SunRays..you are, in some ways, quite right, that the posts are about me. In other ways though i think you're missing the points I made about trying to occupy a space in which, because I've shifted into a relatively happier position as a result of someone making me feel attractive again, then it night just give dh a space to not feel like he is being resented all the time...and then he may be more, i don't know, more freed-up to behave differently. I'm not a completely insensitive bitch - tho phaps some of my posts sound as tho i am... I don't think I am really... probably more desperate...

Stirrings - have PM'd you.

On the subject of wedding vows - what happened to 'forsaking all others'?

Just a thought.

Stirrings - I think you sound very unhappy and unfulfilled in your marriage. I think you are right to be worried about it and unsettled about it.
BUT I don't think rushing into an affair with someone else is going to be the answer either short or long term.
I think you have to talk through your marriage problems with a counsellor, with or without your DH. You will then understand the shortcomings you have and are more likely to understand where they should come from, and how to move on.

I think other posters' comments about your DH are pretty accurate, but I think you have to tackle these first, rather than throw yourself at someone else for comfort, however tempting. It is NOT as possible as you might think to contain and compartmentalise your emotions. Everyone thinks they can, and then it gets harder. You realise how important that person has become to you, and yet they are NOT available to you.
I do not think your unhappy relationship with your DH is that unusual. That doesn't mean to say you should put up with it - absolutely not - but you need to learn about how to go about finding/creating a better one, and rushing into an affair will NOT be the comfort you might think it will be.

stirrings
I really think you are finding it hard to take on board what people are saying.

Feeling more attractive ( by being desired by another man) so it could put your DH in a better place so he is not resented so much is possible. BUT you seem a bit naiive. You cannot predict how your emotions will develop. You seem to think that you will be fully in control, that you can stop the affair - should it happen- presumably when DH perks up and is more the man you want him to be.

Despite everyone advising you, you still appear to think that being fancied by another guy- who happens to be married- will in some way end your problems- or make things better at home.

How?

You might feel better for a few weeks or months but then it all gets more complicated. Lies, covering up, mixed emotions.

He might back off.
His wife might find out and his marriage could be over.
You could be very badly hurt and end up with neither man.

You also need to think about the motives of this other man. What does he want? Easy, no strings sex with someone vulnerable?

If you think an affair will help then go ahead. But please be aware you are opening a can of worms, or Pandora's box and once open the lid can't be closed so easily.

If your marriage is over, why not accpet that and put some real thought and effort into discovering how you can earn more money and support your kids if you decide to leave your DH.

Stirrings - to be honest I would not give a shit what anyone else says. Why even ask? It is your life - who cares what anyone else thinks? People love to stick the boot in, give their opinions - but really - so what?

Do what you want to do. You will already have considered all the consequences.